HOW TO TIP YOUR LAWYER

            As another year draws to a close, and the holidays descend upon us like ants or aunts or ahhnts, our thoughts turn to the ever-expanding list of supplicants dependent upon our favors to round out their seasonal revenue. While it is customary to bestow year-end bonuses on our treasured fellow citizens who collect the trash, deliver the mail, or throw the newspaper in the bushes, etc., many are unfamiliar with the social conventions governing the tender of gratuities to legal counsel. When, for example, is the gesture expected, and when might it be considered an affront to the profession? The issue is a minefield for those uninitiated with the peculiar cultural norms of the practice.

            Many people are surprised to learn, for example, that it is customary to add between 18% to 20% to a retainer check, which, of course, is handed over grudgingly before the counsel in question has done a single thing on your case or even billed for uttering the first “hello.” It is generally understood that such additurs, as they are known, are extended to give the attorney-client relationship that extra oomph, and, of course, as an advance reward for the inchoate impeccable service. Simply increasing the amount of the initial draft for deposit is frowned upon. The preferred method is to slip the coin of the realm into the breast pocket of counsel’s suit jacket, which is traditionally draped over a chair in the office (to expose the hard-at-work look of the rolled-up sleeves and/or the loosened tie) – but not in any denomination with a value less than 20, as smaller bills at the level of expenditure to which we have reference can become unwieldy and difficult to smush into a wallet.  Envelopes, of course, are optional, but the gesture will not go unnoticed.

 

If your lawyer spells your name correctly on correspondence, be prepared to extend a tip of between ten to fifteen per cent as a way of saying “job well done!” The same principle applies when your legal advisor pronounces all or most of the important syllables in your title while addressing a judge or opposing counsel, and, it goes without saying, vous, yourself.

The returned phone call also invokes the ten to twenty per cent rule, depending on the length and importance of the conversation and the number of days it took for the happenstance to materialize. Show your appreciation by sliding a stock certificate under the firm’s door or by propping a 36 year-old bottle of expensive scotch adorned with a festive bow against a wall in the waiting area next to the glossy magazines. Don’t forget to sign the card!

Many barristers (perhaps fancying themselves baristas on the sly) now populate the outer reaches of their desks (hard by the bronze-ish statuette of Lady Justice) with tip jars, thereby eliminating much of the awkwardness that once obtained.  And taking a cue from their homonymic comrades in the coffee purveying trade, the lawyers wrap these receptacles (id est, the tip jars) with cutesy legends, such as “college fund.” This is rarely to be taken in the literal sense, as it is to be hoped that your attorney did, in fact, attend an accredited institution of higher learning as a condition precedent to matriculating at law school, taking and passing the bar, and charging heaping gobs o’ dough for “file organization and review,” and suchlike. Put a little something (say $125) in the tip jar after an in-person consultation – more if the administrative assistant or paralegal actually offers you a cup of coffee before you leave.

When should a tip not be offered? When might counsel be prohibited from accepting such a gift?  According to Canon 7.4.3.2(a) of the Uniform Rules of Professional Conduct and Tipping – “Never!” This Rule was promulgated for the protection of the client to eliminate doubt and embarrassment. Take advantage of it. Circumstances vary, naturally, and you should always use discretion, as long as you don’t confuse “discretion” with being stingy.

  

   Just as is the case with any other guild, take care of counsel and counsel with take care of you. As it is written, “pay to play; pay to win!” Happy Litigating!

Home for the Halach Days

Another HIYLH original(ly plagiarized) Short:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btnJBQJqoY0

I told a lightbulb joke, and then everything went dark.

How many villages does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     I don't know.  How many?
It takes a village.
    Go on.
 What do you mean, "Go on?"
     What's the rest of the joke?
 What do you mean, "What's the rest of the joke?"  That's the whole joke.
     I don't get it.
What don't you get?
     It's stupid.
No it's not.  
      Yes it is.  It's not even a joke.
 Yes it is. 
     It doesn't even have a punchline.
 The joke is the punchline.
  That's ridiculous.  It doesn't work.   
So you don't like my jokes?
    How could I know ?  So far, you haven't told any jokes.
Maybe you weren't paying attention.
     If only that were so. 
Should I try another one? 
     Yeah, sure, OK, try another one.
How many lawyers does it take to screw over a light bulb?
     What is that?
That's a joke.
     That's not a joke. That's just stupid.  How is that possibly a joke?
I told you: joke-as-punchline.
     Again with this?
It's economical.  Joke and punchline rolled into one.  Reduces the carbon footprint.
     This is how you combat climate change?
I'm doing what I can.
     What if you just thought about the jokes? 
Ok, I got one more.
      Eegads!  Well, lay it on me, man.
How many light bulbs does it take to screw up an inn?
      Even though it looks like I'm crying on the outside, I'm laughing on the inside.
I'm plumb out of jokes.
      Well I guess I better go home and lie down now.

Case Notes For Inconsequential Product Liability Actions

Paper Cut from Envelope; Physical Injuries; Emotional Distress
Cutty v. Sark (4th. Appellate Dist. Ct. 2009): Plaintiff sustained a significant paper cut to his left index finger (requiring a cold compress but no stitches) after attempting to open an envelope from his auto insurer without using a letter opener. The plaintiff also claimed to have suffered emotional distress after reviewing his insurer's announcement of a threefold increase in the premium notwithstanding that the vehicle was a "lemon" and was used mostly for short jaunts and for leaking oil onto the driveway. The trial court allowed defendant's motion to dismiss on all counts.
Held: No right of recovery for the finger injury because envelopes are inherently dangerous products, and plaintiff assumed the risk of injury by failing to use proper tools. No recovery for emotional distress; plaintiff failed to show but-for causation as his car was an embarrassment to the neighborhood.
Puncture “Grazing” from Pencil; Lost Wages
Schlemiel v. National Pencil Purveyors (2nd Dist. Ct., Appellate Div. 2011): Plaintiff, a clerk in the state benefits office, was “gesticulating” wildly with one of defendant’s products for emphasis, and stabbed himself in the right wrist (he was right-handed), grazing a minor artery. Consequently, plaintiff, who, in his professional capacity, required his right wrist to stamp “REJECTED” on various citizen application forms, missed 15 days of work (not including the annual departmental retreat).  Following a 3-day trial, the jury found for plaintiff and awarded $182,000 in compensatory damages plus $3,012.73 in lost wages. Defendant appealed claiming error in the jury instructions.
Held: No right of recovery; pencils are inherently dangerous products, and plaintiff was not in a protected class, because he was an experienced pencil user and serial gesticulator. Reversed on other grounds.

Bruised Knuckle from Punching and Screaming at Computer

Tsadik v. Frosty Computers, LLC (Supreme Judicial Court, 2011): Plaintiff suffered a bruised knuckle and some minor scarring as a result of repeatedly punching his computer and swearing at it until one of his vocal nodes gave out.  The case was tried jury-waived and the trial judge, crediting plaintiff’s testimony that the computer froze repeatedly, needed to be restarted constantly, and was incapable of following even simple commands, found for the plaintiff and awarded $1 million.  The SJC took the matter on direct appellate review.

Held: Computers are inherently dangerous products in that they are designed to elicit precisely the type of reaction exhibited by the plaintiff.  The court took judicial notice of the fact that, for a certain segment of the population (in which plaintiff was included), computers have never worked as advertised and never will. Under such a set of facts, there could be no recovery. Reversed.

Cracked Tooth from Removing Clothing Hang Tag

P. Mandelbaum v. Schmattes and Co., et al. (4th Appellate Div., 2005): Plaintiff cracked a tooth while trying to remove a hang tag from a newly-purchased undergarment when the plastic horizontal bar "refused" to come through the fabric. A jury awarded the cost of a dental visit plus reimbursement for the parking ticket suffered. Defendants appealed claiming plaintiff had failed to make out a prima facie case of dentis crackius.
Held: Clothing hang tags are inherently dangerous products, and there can be no recovery when they are removed with the teeth. Appellant's request for rehearing on the grounds that "everybody in the world removes hang tags with their teeth" was denied en banc.

 Stubbed Toe from Kicking Cheap Cabinet Door

Schlimazel v. Norman the Door Man, Inc. (Appeals Court, 2008): Plaintiff stubbed his toe attempting to close defendant’s “shoddily-hinged” product with his foot. The motion judge allowed defendant’s motion for summary judgment and plaintiff appealed.

Held: No right of recovery where it was undisputed that the cabinets were purchased from a store that has been having an “Everything Must Go!” sale for the past seven years, ensuring that the subject doors would never align properly. Moreover, plaintiff was contributorily negligent for stuffing the cabinet full of outdated menus and tchotchkes. Even absent such facts, there would have been no right of recovery because super-discounted cabinetry is an inherently dangerous product.  Summary judgment affirmed. 

Chipped Nail from De-Linking Paper Clips

Schmendrick v. No. 1 Paper Clip Emporium (2nd Appellate Div, 2001): Plaintiff chipped a nail while trying to separate a tortured and unruly clump of paper clips and suffered temporary disfigurement. Plaintiff's suit sought damages for pain and chipping. The motion judge granted defendant's motion for judgment on the pleadings.  Plaintiff appealed claiming error in that the court failed to apply the precedent established by cases where litigants recovered for injuries sustained attempting to remove staples from book reports.

Held: No right of recovery because paper clips (like wire hangers) are known to clump together in conspiratorial fashion. Accordingly, paper clips are an inherently dangerous product whose perils are obvious to the average consumer.  Judgment affirmed.

 Boredom and Repetitive Motion Injury from Hand-Held Vacuum

Nudnick v. Vacuous Boys, Inc. (1^st Circuit Appellate Div., 2009): Plaintiff suffered a mild form of repetitive motion injury and also became slightly nauseous from running a hand-held mini-vacuum over the same three-inch area of a couch for several hours in a futile attempt to remove some cat hair. Plaintiff sought reimbursement for medical “consultations” as well as a refund. A jury awarded $22,000 for pain, $13,000 for suffering and $35,000 for pain & suffering. Defendant appealed claiming an abuse of judicial discretion.

Held: No right of recovery because defendant’s expert testified that no vacuum, no matter how fancy, can remove cat hair from a couch or anyplace else and the product manufacturer disclaimed all warranties in the manual even though no one ever reads the manual. Additionally, the appellate division ruled, sua sponte, that hand-held mini vacs are inherently dangerous products when used to try to remove cat hair from couches or kitty litter from automobile trunks because of the tendency to induce in the consumer an obsessive determination to achieve the unachievable, namely, spotlessness as pertaining to situations arising from co-habitation with cats. Reversed.

This Holiday Season, Please Remember the Nosiest.

"The Peloponnesian Tattler" Dekémvrios – 1188 B.C.E.

The War Blog

This is the comment section to our ongoing blog about the Trojan War written by our senior columnist, Homer. According to sources, Supreme Allied Commander,  Odysseus, recently arrived in Ithaca in the dead of night.  The major messenger services have been reporting all day that Odysseus, relying on an underground (in the figurative sense – not the dead one), found his way to the hut of one of his own former slaves, the swineherd, Eumaeus, and that he was met there by Athena who reportedly disguised him as a wandering beggar in order to learn how things stand in his household.

Readers  react.

_______________________________________________

1.        1.   Peisistratus, Syracuse

Why are we still talking about this old fart? By the gods! That stupid war ended 10 years ago! And during the ten that it lasted, it seemed like it was never going to end! And how many drachmas did we squander on that pointless exercise!? We never should have gotten involved in the first place. Now this guy comes back to haunt us!? Tell him to swim back to Calypso Island since he obviously loves it there so much. What was he doing there all that time, anyway?  I’m sure his wife, Penelope would like to know.  The rest of us don’t care.

[recommended by 10 readers and by 27 people who had the comment read to them because they are swineheards and never learned how to read]

2.        2.    Telemachus, Ithaca

Just returned from an Assembly of Citizens where, naturally, everybody claims to have seen Odysseus disappearing behind a tree or in his beggar disguise.  Yeah, right!  I’ve been all over Ithaca today, and I swear by Zeus, he aint here.  Sorry folks. As per usual, the story is over-hyped by an overly-ambitious journalist piecing together sketchy field reports from the safety of his villa.  C’mon, Tattler!  We thought you were better than this!

[recommended by 47 readers and by 63 people who had the comment read to them because they are uneducated slaves]

3.        3.    Menelaus, Sparta

Odysseus is war criminal! He deserve to be brought to a stadium some place and kicked like dog and have to read Iliad or something until he keel over. He no better than dog! Typical warmongering Greek!  Ha! Only care about ethnic cleanse and stealing lands!

[recommended by 3 readers and by 1 person who had the comment read to him because he is a foreigner and it’s all Greek to him – even though it kind of isn’t]

4.        4.    Nestor, Athens

To Menelaus (no. 4) of Sparta:  Excuse me!? A Spartan accusing someone else of being a warmonger? Are you kidding me!? Have you looked at your reflection in a pool of still water, lately? BTW, where did you learn to write Greek?  In a phalanx? Go back to the Academy – if you can even find it on a parchment!

  

[recommended by 233 readers and by 73 people who had the comment read to them because they will never be in the ruling classes and so don’t need an education]

5.        5.    The “Oracle,” Delphi

I can’t believe I’m agreeing with a bleeding heart from Syracuse, but have to say Peisistratus (no. 1) has got the bull by the horns. Why were we rushed into the Trojan War? Because the “great” Odysseus needed a casus belli so he sold the Citizens some trumped up allegations that there was some funny business going on with Helen.  And meanwhile, after all that blood and treasure was spent, what did we find -- some sirens?  Big whoop. I hate to say “I told you so,” but, ahem…See above, next to “Delphi.”

[recommended by 412 readers and by 114 people who had the comment read to them because they were thrown over a cliff as punishment for insulting Poseidon]

6.        6.    Aegisthus, Mycenae

 

To the “Oracle” (no.  5) do you ever do anything other than post on this board? Whenever there’s a debate (which, in Greece, is like every 3 minutes), you’re there like sundial-work. And you always, allegedly have way more “likes” than anybody else.  I know the Tattler has a big lefty following, but this is a little too convenient.  Are you just sitting around sending in your own “likes” to make it look like you have a big following that actually exists only metaphysically? And one more thing, what is a casus belli? What kind of stupid language does that come from?

[recommended by 1 reader]

7.     

Ac       7.    Achilles, Ismaros

I’m distressed by some of these jingoistic comments.  You can make fun of people’s writing style, but the fact remains,  Odysseus is a pirate.  Always was.  Always will be. To no. 4 of Athens, you may be a well-heeled city slicker, but that doesn’t make you right. Who do you think pushed the people into that disastrous war, anyway? I’ll tell you who -- the same Lobby who have the Parthenon in their pocket – or would have -- if togas had pockets, but you know what I mean. Do you ever see them with a sword and shield on the frontlines? No!  Because they’re always skulking in between columns at the agora, glad-handing rhetoricians, whispering, and cultivating grapes for their “special” rituals. Odysseus is just their puppet, like everybody else. Do I have to spell it out on a wax tablet? 

[recommended by 196 readers and by 312 indentured servants who are too busy working in the salt mines to pay off debts which, in fact, will never be paid off in their lifetimes – even though the concept of compounded interest is still somewhat primitive]

8.         8.     Hermes, Olympia

Ever since I got word that Odysseus was rumored to be in Ithaca, my mind has been going non-stop like a winged creature. What does this even mean?  The reports are conflicting. One messenger showed up in the square and said it means war.  Another claimed it means peace.  Yet another bounded into town  out of breath after running 26.2 miles to get here, and dropped dead before he had a chance to say anything.  I guess his humors were out of whack. What I’ve learned from this is you can’t believe everything you hear – espec. if you don’t hear it because the guy who was going to say something for you to hear dropped dead.  Keep an open mind is all I’m saying.  This story is still being written – or sung, actually, but you take my point.

[recommended by 44 readers and by 12 people who actually know how to read but would rather listen to an old blind guy sitting on a rock and strumming a harp.  Strange.] 

        JOIN THE CONVERSATION!

        Dialogue-in to post a comment.

TAKE a pill as needed, but don't BE one.

This is a PURPLE, OBLONG-shaped TABLET imprinted with RAOTFALMAO-72 on the front.

ANTI-TROMBENIK -oral  (ANTI-TROM'-BE-NƏK)

USES:
This medication is used to prevent or treat pomposity in blowhards who have deluded themselves into the belief that, but for them and the implementation of their half-baked schemes, the Earth's axial rotation would be askew, and the rest of us would be irreparably harmed as a result. Usually symptoms develop whenever the seductive sound of one's own voice supplants the attraction of rational thought, bona fide scholarship, and the kind of first-hand experience that enables one to actually know something about that which is being discussed. Sometimes referred to as Big Macher Syndrome, the condition is most prevalent in persons who, for the ostensible purpose of whipping up a froth of excitement, exhort underlings and devotees to dangerous, ill-conceived, or reckless acts that they themselves wouldn't be caught dead attempting in a million years because they are too self-important, and the movement can't risk the loss of its inspirational leader. Besides, that's what the little people are for.  ANTI-TROMBENIK is also used to treat decibel indifference disorder (the state being oblivious to the discomfiture resulting from incessantly inflicting one's opinions loudly on others, particularly those who have no readily-accessible means of escape, such as wheel-bound hamsters, subway riders, and the populations of elevators stuck between floors).

HOW TO USE:
Take this medication by mouth. Contrary to the literal impression that might, at first blush, be conveyed by the preceding imperative phrase, it is recommended that hands be enlisted to assist the mouth in the delivery of the medication to the bloodstream. Clinical trials have demonstrated that use of the mouth, alone, to attempt to unseal the safety cap, dispose of the gratuitous cotton stuffed in the bottle, and extract and dispense the appropriate dosage, has a failure rate of one hundred per cent. ANTI-TROMBENIK may be taken with or without food, provided that there is some universal agreement regarding the definition of that term, or, more precisely, those substances that are excluded from the definition. These include: Pez, chicklets, and snuff. Dosing recommendations vary widely, depending on whether you are susceptible to pretension by doing things like cultivating a fake highbrow accent when ordering sable and whitefish salad or using the binary system to count. Ask your doctor whether anybody considers such affectations to be cute. If your doctor answers in the affirmative, seek advice from a practitioner whose license is not under suspension -- or ought to be. Taking more than the recommended dosage is a little like reading ahead.  No one likes a show-off. Your doctor may need to adjust your dosage if you are given over to bouts of appropriating for yourself the moral authority to lecture everybody else (especially in letters to the editor -- even if you cannot spell), and to browbeat them into thinking that, unless their opinions align with your peculiar political theories, they are "trolls."  Avoid eating froth aforesaid while taking this medication.  In fact, avoid froth altogether.

SIDE EFFECTS:
Writing self-aggrandizing memoirs and gushing about the virtues of mercury-powered  "energy-saving" light bulbs are the most common side effects. Other side effects include nausea and vomiting.  We threw those in there because these seem to be the most popular side effects. We also debated whether to include diarrhea (another perennial favorite), but in the end, ruled it out, because there just wasn't enough room on the label, and the discussion about how to spell it became very ugly, indeed. Now some of us are not talking to others of us. If you experience any of these side effects, stop taking this medication immediately, organize a book reading, and, if anybody shows up, drop all sorts of names to give the impression that you hobnob with important people.  Also call your doctor or pharmacist.  If they happen to be free, invite them to the reading, but be prepared for them to act entitled, as though they don't have to buy a book. Do not panic, as they will cave before the evening is out provided all the exits are locked and the wine and cheese hold.

PRECAUTIONS:
Before taking this medication, pour a little on a test area of the carpet in an obscure corner of the room and wait five minutes. If the carpet becomes discolored or starts telling off-color jokes, or if you vomit on the test area, do not take this medication. Consult your doctor and local law enforcement before trading this medication openly on the black market. Do not take this medication while operating machinery (such as a frother). Running for elective office or practicing law under the influence of this medication is contraindicated.

DRUG INTERACTIONS:
Please give your doctor or pharmacist a complete list of other drugs you are taking, as most other medications are of the opinion that ANTI-TROMBENIK is rude and obnoxious, making seating arrangements a veritable nightmare. Your doctor can often prevent or manage interactions by changing the subject, but not always, because not everyone has a favorite color or likes ponies.

KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN WHO ARE ALWAYS ASKING YOU TO BUY THEM PRESENTS.

This prescription may be refilled 13 times before somebody starts to realize that it isn't doing anything.

Ar you on of us?

Th  fr  masons ar a s cr t soci ty that has controll d  v rything sinc v n b for th country cam  into b  ing. How did th y manag  to do this? Simpl !  By writing  v rything in cod , that's how. Taking our cu from th masons, w hav  d vis d a littl cod  of our own, pursuant to which, w  fully  xp ct to in cr s substantially our own pow r and influ nc  in th land.

F w p opl will b   quipp d to crack this cod , b  caus it is highly compl x. It is by m ans of this cod  that w  shall impl m nt our program,  littl by littl  ,  v ntually bringing about positiv chang  in a surr ptitious way.

If you are abl to r ad th cod, you ar on of us. R main calm and await your instructions. Th hour of your d liv ranc is nigh.

If you ar  unabl  to r ad the cod, pl as  don't pr  t nd that you know how to do so, as you will only  mbarrass yours lf.

Pl as not : This cod is void in stat s wh r writing things in cod  as a m ans of trying to fom nt som thing is prohibit d by law.


 
 

Our Manifesto 'N Stuff

Here are our demands:

Foist: Lose the stretch pant look on forays to the podiatrist or the off-off-Broadway preview or the bodega and places of that nature. This projects an attitude of shabbiness that cries out to the masses: "Democracy is a slob, and so am I! That's why I prefer a dictatorship or, at the very least, the benign neglect of hereditary rule whose arbitrary and capricious nature has been honed by centuries of inbreeding and land grabs!"  Corduroys are OK if neat and pressed and the ridges aren't too wide.

Second: Stop, already, with the defamation against fedoras, claiming that they are passé simply because all the co-eds wore them in Europe last season, looking conspicuous and ridiculous as they swarmed all over the Via Veneto inquiring there of every bemused purveyor of startlingly overpriced sausage: "Dove Via Veneto, Signore?" and thinking to themselves that the shopkeeper must be practically blinded by the brilliance of their fedora, when, in fact, the shopkeeper was thinking only that a person standing in the middle of the Via Veneto asking a salami seller where the Via Veneto is must be an exquisite kind of dunce.  No, sir, fedoras are not passé.  In high winds, they are problematic, true, but there's always berets as a backup. Stovepipe hats -- now that's passé. We're not going to say it again! Stop making fun of fedoras! (P.S., we mean it!) (P.S., when was the last time anybody said 'co-ed'?  1974?)  We're not going to say it again! Stop making fun of fedoras!

P.S, We're not going to say it again!

Thoid: Just say "No" to tattooed eyelashes! Ditto the popliteal fossa.  Who even looks there?  Weirdos and perverts?  What a waste of ink! Not to mention:  Certain symbols may be registered trademarks so just by being out and about in shorts with your tattooed hmmmm hmmmmmmm hmmmmm, you could be violating Title 17 of the United States Code.

Fourth: Cease and desist from referring to chickens as "cage-free" if they actually live in a cage.  How stupid do you think we are?

Fifth:  Don't answer that.

Sixth: People who dress their pet chickens in sweaters and let them run all over the neighborhood instead of keeping them in a cage should not be permitted to vote for a whole host of reasons. Don't be fooled if these people try to offset the damage by crowning their poultry with a fedora.  THIS IS A TRICK!

Seventh: Bring back suspenders.  They went out -- why?  Because you thought Gordon Gekko was a real person and Wall Street is persona non grata these days?  Big deal! When isn't  Wall Street persona non grata? Even sveltily-challenged people look good  in suspenders.  Is this too much to ask?

Eighth:  The banks got bailed out and they even can't spring for a working pen and a calendar on the check-writing counter? And getting back to the subject of pens, are they kidding us with the pens chained to the check-writing counter? What about: "Miss!  Miss!  Hello, Miss! This pen is out ink!" do they not understand? Are they serious?  Do they think someone is going to cop a stupid inkless pen that hasn't had ink in it since the last time someone used the word "co-ed" in a sentence? NOTE:  This isn't really a demand. It kind of is. But not really.

Ninth:   Alternate side of the street parking has pretty much outlived its usefulness, wouldn't you quite agree?

 Tenth: Neutrinos are faster than the speed of light.  Nothing's faster than the speed of light. Neutrinos are faster than the speed of light.  Nothing's faster than the speed of light.  Make up your damn mind!  Accord,  eggs.

Eeeeleven: Repeal the rule against perpetuities.  Not in our lifetime.  But someday, someday.


Give us our tent back, OK?

We're not going to say it again

ME NEC QUONIAM CREDERE QUAM RIDICULUM HOC SIT

I'm out of my mind, and I approved this message.

MEMO

From: Campaign Manager/Press Secretary/Chauffeur/Buyer of Coffee/Therapist of Cat/Walker of Cat/Feeder of Cat/Companion of Cat/Substitute Scratching Post for Cat/Person Who Rescues Dimwitted Birds and Chipmunks From Cat/Staffer Who Would Be Assigned to Deflect Embarrassing Questions if Any Were Ever Asked by a Fellow Human Being (Embarrassing or Otherwise – Questions, That is)/Groomer of Cat

To: HIYLH Presidential Campaign

Re: Lighting a Fire Under Everybody’s Ass a/k/a “Traction” a/k/a “Buzz”

Date:  There’s no time like the present.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        As is readily apparent to anybody breathing, we aint got no mojo. Nobody has ever heard of us.  Even if they did, they wouldn’t care about us nohow. If the election were held today, we wouldn’t be on the ballot. Anyplace.  In addition, all of our regular television programs would be preempted. A double whammy.

        The prospect of our making a dent is about as remote as the cat making up its mind. If we ever had a notion of being anything other than a footnote in this election, that possibility is fading fast.  Even the opportunity to be an asterisk is slipping from our grasp.

        Our only hope is to have a scandal. Not the kind that all the other campaigns have.  That will not distinguish us, and we will just be back at square one faster than you can say: “That was uncalled for, senator!”

        We have engineered some computer models, and have come up with the following scenarios that, we hope, might put our name on the map, or, at the very least, on a few bumper stickers:

1.   Using “i” after  "e" following  “c” without regards to whether it sounds like “ay,” as in “neighbor” and “weigh.”

Pros:  Really drives people up the wall and gets them muttering expletives under their breath.

Cons: Only works on paper.  When the “i” before “e” rule is violated in conversation, nobody can tell the difference.

2.   Wearing white after Labor Day.

Pros: This does tend to fill a certain demographic with unmitigated rage.

Cons:  “After” Labor Day is also “Before” Labor Day, as our calendar is cyclical. Too many people just won’t notice, because nobody will be able to tell when “Before” ends and “After” begins.    

3.   Claiming to have been the inspiration for something, like blaming everything on bread.

Pros: Blaming everything on bread is all the rage these days.

Cons: Technology being what it is now, our little fraud will be exposed before it has a chance to make a splash.

4.   Being overheard on a “live” microphone that we thought was turned off admitting that we have no idea what we are doing.

Pros: Everybody loves it when politicians are unmasked by impolitic utterances in the vicinity of “live” microphones that they thought were turned off.

Cons: Admitting that we have no idea what we are doing hardly seems a scandal given that any fool can see that we have no idea what we are doing.

5.   Messing up the lyrics to the National Anthem.

Pros: This will shine a very unflattering light on our patriotism and, perhaps, even cause our citizenship to be questioned.

Cons: No one knows the lyrics to the National Anthem, so no one will notice. Or care.

6.   Questioning whether the earth actually revolves around the sun.

Pros: Meteorological debates could lend an air of gravitas heretofore lacking from the campaign.

Cons: People running for office these days espouse so many nutty theories as a matter of routine that this one may never stand out as being any more insane than any other opinion currently hitting the hustings.

We’d come up with some more ideas if we could, but we have to go let the cat in.

"Together, we can't do any worse."

A sad state of affairs in the West Village

It seems like only yesterday I was putting off for tomorrow what I was supposed to do today.

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There are 7 billion people on the planet, and not a single one of you can tell me where the other cufflink is?

Scientists claim that there are now 7 billion people on Earth. That’s more than the human population of all the other planets in the solar system – combined! Here’s another amazing fact: if all 7 billion people were citizens of one country, it would be the largest country in the world – hands down. Hard to fathom, but there are actually professionals who get paid big bucks to work these things out.

  Did you know, for example, that if each man, woman, and child all sat down at the same time, the people at the way back might be able to see the screen?  It’s true! But they could never actually test the theory in real-time conditions, because there will always be the clueless who come late – after the credits have rolled – and insist upon making everybody in the seventh row stand up to allow access to the  ninth seat from the aisle. Before you know it, people are popping up left and right, to re-familiarize themselves with the fire exits or buy a second bag of Twizzlers,® as if they are playing characters in an immense game of whack-a-mole.

 It never stops – like the drip, drip, drip of the raindrops, when the summer shower is through. Or, more precisely, like the drip, drip, drip of a certain kind of psychological torture. This is human nature, and is the reason why the ending never makes any sense.

Seven billion people all competing for a finite number of virtual balloons to pop on computer screens present challenges that our grandparents never had to confront.  Not only that, but their student  loans were cheaper.

With seven billion armed with global positioning devices and night vision goggles now roaming around all over the four corners of the world, it’s next to impossible to hide.  Even if you lie on the floor with the lights off not breathing, they will still pound on your door demanding candy or else. “We know you’re in there!” they will yell. “Trick or treat,  you cheap bastard, pretending not to be home! We can see you!”

This is the Fronkenshtein that Malthus warned us about.  This is our brave, new world that has such spoiled little brats in it that they expect everything to just be handed to them.  Get used to it.  And while you’re at it, shove over. And sit down. And stop whispering.   

What are you in for?

The right of proboscides peaceably to assemble shall not be infringed.

(Insurance) Policy of the Cave Bear

This Agreement of Indemnification is made between us (“THE COMPANY”) and you (“you”) in accordance with the terms hereof. 

Basic Coverage

This Policy (hereinafter “This Policy”) covers injuries sustained by you (hereinafter “You”) and Third Parties (hereinafter “Third Parties”) arising from (hereinafter “from”) your negligent acts and (hereinafter “&”) omissions in connection with the performance of your duties and responsibilities as a Paleolithic hunter (hereinafter “Cave Man.”) We will pay to the limit set forth in the coverage selections section for the following events:

Eaten by a bear

Eaten by a lion

Eaten by a wooly mammoth

Eaten by an enormous reptile

Unpleasant consequence arising from the eating of eggplant

Definitions

For purposes of This Policy, the following terms shall have the following meanings:

Nnnng: shall mean and refer to Nnnng and all instances thereof.

∞←↕↖↗⌂:  shall mean exactly what it says, but only when used as a sibilant fricative.

shall mean a contiguous course of profit-taking occurring more than once in a blue moon entitling preferred shareholders to distributions all out of proportion to actual contributions and possibly depleting the availability of cash on hand for actual claimants.

shall mean adverse market conditions beyond the control of the Company resulting in unanticipated losses, which, in turn, may diminish reserves available to pay out any single claim or combination of claims during the Policy period.

    
shall mean the contractual obligation of the Company to honor the terms of a "golden parachute" for an incompetent CEO whose exercise thereof may cause the Company to experience a shortfall, delaying or downsizing the payment of any claim. 

Gerund: We don’t pretend to know what a gerund is and you, likewise, should stop going around so pretending.

Wherever in this Policy the context so requires, the masculine gender shall incorporate the feminine, the singular shall incorporate the plural, and everything in between shall be incorporated and expurgated so as to give us maximum advantage in being exculpated from ("wriggling out of") responsibility to do or pay anything to anyone at any time.

Exclusions

We may decline or delay coverage under any combination of the following circumstances:

(a)    If, while chasing a herd of antelope off a cliff, you fall into a ravine, getting stuck in the permafrost causing you to be transformed into a perfectly preserved mummy, and you fail to notify us within 45,000 years of such event, we may decline coverage. Our denial of coverage under this sub-part (a) is subject to your right to purchase supplemental coverage under Rider Q offsetting such denial, provided further that the discovery of you in your mummified form is made by an archaeologist from Liechtenstein within 30,000 years of the extended notice period and reported to the Company within a reasonable period of time thereafter, but in no event later than 100 years from such discovery.

(b)   You assume all risk of loss if you drag behemoth stones 75 miles from where they are quarried to a different location to assemble them as monoliths for some mysterious religious rite prior to the invention of the wheel.

(c)    If, due to ill-conceived stalking and hunting techniques, you are dispossessed of every material thing that you used to own, except for two sticks, which you subsequently rub together until they ignite singeing the hair on your knuckles, we may decline coverage unless you can produce receipts proving that the sticks were obtained under a warranty of fitness for a particular purpose.

(d)   Cavorting or otherwise associating with Neanderthals will, at our option, void each of our obligations under this Policy. The Policy will be voided even if we pronounce it: NEE-AN-DER-TAHL and you pronounce it:  NEE-AN-DER-THAL.   NEE-AN-DER-TAHL; NEE-AN-DER-THAL; NEE-AN-DER-THAL; NEE-AN-DER-TAHL; let’s call the whole thing off.

(e)    We will not provide coverage for damage caused by falling from trees unless such occurrence is associated with a vestigial primordial dream about falling from trees.

(f)    If you are suspected of creating or contributing to the creation of crop circles or other gigantic representational forms visible to, and understood by, aliens from outer space and nobody else except for you and any member of your immediate household, your benefits under the Policy will be suspended pending an investigation by the Company. During the period of such suspension, the Company shall have no obligation to indemnify you against any loss or occurrence (even under a reservation of rights), regardless of whether such loss or occurrence would otherwise be a covered event under any other section of the Policy. Under no circumstance shall the Company ever have any obligation to go out on a limb (literally) to extend coverage.

(g)   If you are in a rock band (and given the time period of the Policy, what other type of band would you possibly be in?), and, as a consequence, somebody hits you with a rock, we may decline coverage, unless your head is insured separately as part of an umbrella policy.

(h)   Under no circumstance shall the Company have any liability for acts of gods.

(a)    If 

(a

Cancellation

We may cancel the Policy with or without notice to you in any era at any time for any reason, or for no reason, or for a made-up reason, or for reasons which, at first blush, seem pretty legit, but are really just specious arguments gussied up to seem more profound than they actually are, and which are intended, simultaneously, to obfuscate and impress.

Assignment

You may never assign any right under this Policy, including, but not limited to, yourself if you are reincarnated and come back in a more advanced form. We may assign this Policy to whomever we like, including, especially, anybody who bails us out.

Coverage Period

Provided there is no interruption in the payment by you of your premiums, and subject to our rights of cancellation as set forth above, the Policy shall be in effect from the moment the great yellow disc in the sky ceases to be visible between the two Ficus trees growing on the side of the grassy hill to the moment the vast snowy land bridge where the mastodons hang out begins to split apart.

Resolution of Disputes

In the event of any dispute between you and the Company arising from any provision of this Policy, you submit unconditionally to the jurisdiction of three guys sitting around in furs and throwing shells into the dirt. You waive all rights of appeal to have the pattern of the shells interpreted by three other guys, even if the first interpretation is utter nonsense, and nobody understands it.  

WHEREUPON, the parties to this Agreement have signified their acceptance thereof by making imprints in the rapidly-drying mud with their feet.