Our Manifesto 'N Stuff

Here are our demands:

Foist: Lose the stretch pant look on forays to the podiatrist or the off-off-Broadway preview or the bodega and places of that nature. This projects an attitude of shabbiness that cries out to the masses: "Democracy is a slob, and so am I! That's why I prefer a dictatorship or, at the very least, the benign neglect of hereditary rule whose arbitrary and capricious nature has been honed by centuries of inbreeding and land grabs!"  Corduroys are OK if neat and pressed and the ridges aren't too wide.

Second: Stop, already, with the defamation against fedoras, claiming that they are passé simply because all the co-eds wore them in Europe last season, looking conspicuous and ridiculous as they swarmed all over the Via Veneto inquiring there of every bemused purveyor of startlingly overpriced sausage: "Dove Via Veneto, Signore?" and thinking to themselves that the shopkeeper must be practically blinded by the brilliance of their fedora, when, in fact, the shopkeeper was thinking only that a person standing in the middle of the Via Veneto asking a salami seller where the Via Veneto is must be an exquisite kind of dunce.  No, sir, fedoras are not passé.  In high winds, they are problematic, true, but there's always berets as a backup. Stovepipe hats -- now that's passé. We're not going to say it again! Stop making fun of fedoras! (P.S., we mean it!) (P.S., when was the last time anybody said 'co-ed'?  1974?)  We're not going to say it again! Stop making fun of fedoras!

P.S, We're not going to say it again!

Thoid: Just say "No" to tattooed eyelashes! Ditto the popliteal fossa.  Who even looks there?  Weirdos and perverts?  What a waste of ink! Not to mention:  Certain symbols may be registered trademarks so just by being out and about in shorts with your tattooed hmmmm hmmmmmmm hmmmmm, you could be violating Title 17 of the United States Code.

Fourth: Cease and desist from referring to chickens as "cage-free" if they actually live in a cage.  How stupid do you think we are?

Fifth:  Don't answer that.

Sixth: People who dress their pet chickens in sweaters and let them run all over the neighborhood instead of keeping them in a cage should not be permitted to vote for a whole host of reasons. Don't be fooled if these people try to offset the damage by crowning their poultry with a fedora.  THIS IS A TRICK!

Seventh: Bring back suspenders.  They went out -- why?  Because you thought Gordon Gekko was a real person and Wall Street is persona non grata these days?  Big deal! When isn't  Wall Street persona non grata? Even sveltily-challenged people look good  in suspenders.  Is this too much to ask?

Eighth:  The banks got bailed out and they even can't spring for a working pen and a calendar on the check-writing counter? And getting back to the subject of pens, are they kidding us with the pens chained to the check-writing counter? What about: "Miss!  Miss!  Hello, Miss! This pen is out ink!" do they not understand? Are they serious?  Do they think someone is going to cop a stupid inkless pen that hasn't had ink in it since the last time someone used the word "co-ed" in a sentence? NOTE:  This isn't really a demand. It kind of is. But not really.

Ninth:   Alternate side of the street parking has pretty much outlived its usefulness, wouldn't you quite agree?

 Tenth: Neutrinos are faster than the speed of light.  Nothing's faster than the speed of light. Neutrinos are faster than the speed of light.  Nothing's faster than the speed of light.  Make up your damn mind!  Accord,  eggs.

Eeeeleven: Repeal the rule against perpetuities.  Not in our lifetime.  But someday, someday.


Give us our tent back, OK?

We're not going to say it again