MALTHUSIAN NOSEYS

So Nu? York Times of the Future

"All the News That Fits Onto an Eyelid App."


Thursday, October 21, 2099 Last Update: 9:35 PM ET

Weather -- Mostly Wrong (Full Report) (CliffsNotes Version)

FORMER PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN 
REVIVED IN QUANTUM LEAP
EXTRAORDINARY RENDITION 
SAYS TIME TRAVEL"OVERRATED"
Original Gettysburg Address Written on Several Napkins.
All But One Flew Away in Sudden Breeze.
Speech Was to Have Been Much Longer

By Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum, VI,  6 minutes ago

     Washington, D.C. -- Stepping out of the 19th Century and into the end of the 21st courtesy of recent innovations in quantum leap technology, the 16th President of the United States told a cyber-conference of "news" bloggers at the U.S. Mint that certain things about the future were "mighty fine," but that he preferred his own time period because there, he didn't have to "suspend habeas corpus just to find a decent serving of hardtack, salt pork, and goober peas." He seemed unimpressed that his image had been preserved on the Penny coin, noting that nobody seemed to use Pennies much.  [more]

TIMES TO CHARGE MORE FOR EYELID APP. EDITION

By NYT Staff,  6 months from now 
     

      New York -- Faced with slumping revenues and a burgeoning ADD-multimedia marketplace, the New York Times Co. announces another hike in the subscription price of the Eyelid App. edition. An annual subscription will now cost $5,000.00 -- a 15% price hike. Off-planet subscribers will pay more. Times time travelers who have visited the future are already aware of the story and will have cancelled their subscriptions in disgust (in the future). Others will be expressing outrage in telepathic messages to the ombudsperson.  [more]

INVOKING THE EXEMPTION OF "CROSSIES," CANDIDATES FOR ELECTIVE OFFICE VOW TO END NEGATIVE CAMPAIGNING

By Son O' The Situation,  19 Minutes Ago 

     Chicago -- At a joint conference here that was part town hall meeting, part fighting city hall, and  part driving through Hartford at rush hour, Democrats, Republicans, Tea Partyers, Libertarians, and independent candidates for a wide array of state and national elective offices took a pledge to refrain from negative campaigning. Led by an astral projection of former President Jimmy Carter (who just doesn't seem to go away), attendees promised to avoid phrases like "robot ho" and "thought virgin" when referring to their opponents. In interviews following the spectacle, Congressional hopefuls wasted little time in breaking the pledge, calling each other "child murderer," "print media-reader," and worse.  [more]   

FRENCH STRIKERS DEMAND GOVERNMENT MASSAGES AND PIñA COLADAS FOR RETIRING 30-YEAR OLDS

From Wire Services, Paper Hangers, and Wire Hangers -- 27 minutes to go

      Paris -- De Gaulle once said: "The French People agree on absolutely nothing except for Mickey Mouse, Jerry Lewis, and strikes." Coco Chanel heard the last word as "stripes," and went off on a tangent, but leaders of the major trade unions took to the streets and never looked back. Now that virtually no one in the country works for more than a few minutes a week, there's plenty of time to lie around with tropical drinks in hand listening to Jimmy Buffet musique.  [more]

LICHTENSTEIN WINS LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES; TAIWAN SETTLES FOR 2ND. "AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE THE TALLEST BUILDING," SAYS COACH

By "Mookie"  Happenin' now 

     Williamsport, Pa.  -- Tiny, little Lichtenstein stunned the pre-pubescent baseball universe here today by defeating powerhouse, Taiwan, in the Little League World Series. The victory was all the more impressive given that no one in Lichtenstein knows how to play baseball or has even heard of it. Apparently, a government minister was able to field a team by tricking the players into thinking they were coming to America to participate in a television game show. The Taiwanese coach admitted that he underestimated the Lichtenstein threat by encouraging his team to "close their eyes and meditate intensely" to preserve physical strength whenever Lichtenstein was at bat, enabling an inordinate number of  base hits by the clueless Liechtensteiners. [more] 

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FASHION WEEK IN JERUSALEM   Blogging Live

_____________________________

Opinionator
Kollins: Whatever
Comments (0)

Cristof: Legalize Everything

Editorial: Remember when journalists delivered the news?  Those were the days (my friend).

Douwd: We thought they'd never end.
Comments (423)

Freedman:  We'd sing and dance for ever and a day.
 
Crugman: We lived the life we choose.
 
Brooks Bros.: We'd fight and never lose. 
 
Poor:  Those were the days (oh yes) those were the days.
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FASHION WEEK IN RIYADH Blogging Live



                Unknown (left) Unknown (middle) Unknown (right)
                (Not pictured:  Unknown)
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FCC COMMISSIONER, FREUD, SAYS HONK IF YOU LIKE HONKING GUILTY OF SCHADENFREUDE FOR DISPLAYING SANGFROID AMID CHARGES OF CONTEST FRAUD

By Claude Frawd,  73,619 Minutes Ago

      Washington, D.C. -- One of the World's least-read blogs found itself in hot water with the government again for allegedly sponsoring a promotion guaranteeing "a hundred zillion dollars to the hundred zillionth reader." In a Complaint filed on Monday, the FCC has accused HIYLH of  "false advertising and shoddy workmanship." HIYLH was not immediately available for comment, but former President Abraham Lincoln said that he "could not stand a HIYLH divided against itself." He offered to provide legal representation in exchange for a "decent ration of goober peas." [more]   

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THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS URGES YOU
TO VOTE FOR THE BILLIONAIRE OF YOUR CHOICE.
BUT VOTE!
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That's the Signpost Up Ahead: Caution! Nosey on Rollerscates!

MISHEGOS ON THE GRASS, ALAS

What if we all just wrote like Gertrude Stein meaning no punctuation meaning no syntax meaning no sin tax meaning no meaning no no no no just say no just say read my lips no new syntax thats not what I mean I mean I mean I mean who is really running things in the world anyhow (and no its not them even tho everybody thinks its them and even tho some of them think its them but its not them) and why is everybody so angry at everybody else constantly cant we all just get along do you suppose do you suppose that the United Nations Human Rights Council could print up some more of those elegant little cocktail napkins that even Picasso might have been interested in collecting had he not been preoccupied with schtupping everybody all the time just to impress Modigliani and while we're not on the subject of anything why why why pray tell would anyone in Azerbaijan or Iran or Slovenia or Zimbabwe or Slovenia or Latvia or Kazakhstan or Yemen ever read any of this because because because because because because of the wonderful things we write about kasha(?) and yet the statistics don't lie people do and believe it or not somebody with an Azeri-Yiddish dictionary is this very minute looking up "schtupp" so as to get that extra ethnic edge in next week's scheduled stand-up routine at the Baku House of RAOTFALMAO where a very famous person never appeared once and said "Ich bin ein Irving Berliner and I got to be driftin along" so long its been good to know you Commie Red red rover red rover send Woodie Guthrie right over the rainbow where men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses you're not at the Algonquin Round Table anymore Dorothy Rothschild Great Scott F. Scott Scott ® Tissues yes they have a Website and we visited it so whats your point exactly beam me aboard Scotty humming all the way humming along the Heming Way brought to you by the Recovery and Reinvestment Act your age and never question authority in fact grovel before it and now a word from our sponsors -- Luddite -- why not its a perfectly serviceable word and it has 2 ds in it and besides Alice likes it.

YES ON 19

I THINK YOU SAID: "PLEASE OVERCHARGE ME AND MISSPELL MY NAME, IS THAT CORRECT?"

Hello.  And thank you for calling COMA, where it feels like we're in one all the time.  Are you calling about your account?

Say "yes" for "yes."
Say "no" for "no."
Or just press the number "1" for "1."

[1]

O.K. Before I pass your call on to an associate who can help, I'll need to ask you a few questions, is that alright?

Say "yes" for "yes."

Say "no" for "no."
Say "maybe" for "yes."
Say "no, no Nannette!" for "maybe."
Or just press the number "1" for the heck of it.

[1]

O.K. first tell me your account number. You can speak your answer at any time.  You can also sing your answer, but only in the key of G.  If you don't know it, just say:  "I don't know it."

[I don't know it.]

O.K. Let's try something else.  Tell me the password you registered when you opened your account. You can speak your answer at any time. You can also hum quietly to yourself while trying to remember your password. You can also tap out your password in Morse Code by banging the phone gently against your head. If you don't know it, just say: "Knock Knock."

[Knock Knock]

I think you said, you would like a password hint, is that right? 

Say "yes" for "yes"
Say "Assolutamente non!"  for "no"
Say "So aren't I" to demonstrate that people in Boston talk funny.

[Yes]

O.K.  You may have chosen a pet's name to be your password.  Or you may have chosen your birthday.  You may also have chosen somebody else's birthday. Perhaps you chose a password so secretive and hard to remember that nobody but the computer hacker who cried when he had a look-see at your bank account could remember it.  Does this help?

Say "yes."

[No]

I think you said you want to strangle me and flush me down the toilet.  Is that correct?

Say, "did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world?"

[1]

O.K. Before I can pass your call on to an associate who can help, I'll have to torture you some more.  What is your password?  If you can't remember it, just tell me your password.  If you don't know it, just say "that you love me."

[OPERATOR!]

I think you said "elevator."  Is that correct?

Say "any old thing that comes to mind."

[1]  

 I think you said you are having an aneurysm.  Is that correct?

[I HATE YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE!]

O.K.  Let's try something else.  What is your account number? If you don't know it, tell me your password.  If you don't know it, tell me a story.  If you don't know one, just say "operator."

[OPERATOR!]

I think you said "refrigerator."  Is that correct?

Press [1] for "yes"
Press 278356 for "no,"
Or simply hang up.

Hello?  Did you hang up?

Hello?  Hello?

O.K.  I'll call you later.

Hello?

Hey! You left the phone off the hoo...

NOSEYS ON THE BRAIN

Letter From a Put-Out Burglar

I broke into your house 2-day.  I wuz shocked to find it so messy. Dishes everywhere.  Klothes in the sink.  How do U live like this (I wunder?).  I am a common house thief and yet not so messy as U are.  On the back of this note, I rote down the number of the Midey-Tidey Cleaners that most of yor neighbors use.  Heres a tip.  Call them quick.

While I wuz going thru your old CDs I found a "Frank Sinatra Greatest Hits" which I like a lot but when I opened up the cover there was no CD in there which is to be expected for a slob like you I suppose. I opened up an old Miles Davis CD and (surprise!) there wuz some kind of crazy Alvin & the Chipmunks tape from 100 years ago. Miles Davis wuz nowhere to be found. Prob. under the klothes in the sink! (Ha! Ha!  just joking!) I also found an old Sonny Rollins CD (loose -- no protective cover) under a magazine, but when I tried to play it, yor stupid player was making gurgling noises like sumbody throwing up underwater and anyways the CD was all scratched and sounded like a cat in heat.

Speaking of which yor big fat ornge cat was sprawled all over the counters and took up like haf of the room and he just wouldnt shut up. He was crying really loud like something being run over by a big truck. I tried to throw him outside but he wuz 2 fat and weighed 2 much and I couldnt pick him up. With all that raket it made it really hard to do my work.  How do U stand it? I guess he wanted to be fed as all his bowls were empty and he had no water etc. I looked in every cupboard in the joint and there wuznt even 1 scrap of cat food in there. There wuz sum krackers and about 29 cartons of chicken broth. R U planning to feed a fire house but not the cat? Thats animal krewlty.

Oh yeah. While I wuz there the doorbel rung and i seen that it was the mailman so I opened the door and he ast me to sign a certified letter 4 U and I signed it as a curtsey to U and left it on the counter in the kitchen next to whatever U had for dinner last week. Its a pretty thick letter and U cant miss it.  It looks like U R being sued by sumbody but I am not so crass as to pry into other peeples mail and I dint read it but I did hold it up to the lite and I think U R being sued but dont worry I dint steem it open becuz frankly I dont think yor stove works 2 good so i cudnt steem it open.


I ansered the phone 2 becuz it kept ringing and driving me batty. Yor medications are reddy 4 pickup and U owe sum collection agency for sum unpaid parking tix or sumthing. (i rote down the number on this note). Also I pretended to be U and took a breef phone servey 4 U. I sed how much U would like to reseeve dried meat in a box delivered to yor house evry month. Dont even thank me becuz you dont know who I am but yor welcome. U'll be billed later. 

You dint rilly have no "valubules" wurth riting home about. The onliest thing I rilly took was a can opener and some stamps. Prob. not worth anything, but I has to have sumthing to shew for my time.

Well I wont soon be back as U R not worth the trubble. But i hope U clean up yor act for the sake of the next guy who comes along.


If i wuz U, id think about getting the lock on the front door fixed.

THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO CANNOT REMEMBER THEIR LINKEDIN PASSWORD NOW EXCEEDS THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T PICK THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OUT OF A POLICE LINE-UP.

20 -- Approximate per cent of the United States electorate who claim to believe that Barack Obama is a Muslim.

0 -- Number of people named Barack Obama who are President of the United States who believe so.

3 -- Number of times the issue of people either believing or not in Obama's supposed Muslimness has been mentioned so far in this post.

0 -- Number of times the United States Constitution mentions religion, ethnicity, sex, sexual orientation, or race as a qualification necessary to hold the Office of President.

7 -- Number of days in the week on a conventional Gregorian calendar.

6 -- Number of days in the week on a Gregorian calendar that has a big rip in it.

899 -- Number of people who, in a Freudian slip last month, said "Ehud Barak" when they meant to say "Barack Obama."

100 -- Per cent of assertions in the above-referenced factoid pulled from thin air, but presented, nonetheless, authoritatively in an effort to bamboozle a gullible readership hungering for mishegos.

6 billion -- Ditto.

47 -- Approximate number of imitations and parodies of the Harper's Index in the print media.

Again -- Totally made up.

67 -- Approximate per cent of people for whom Twitter is a primary source of news and information who think that "Freudian Slip" is an article of clothing.

76 -- Approximate per cent who think that mishegos is something edible.

82 -- Per cent of those who think that mishegos is something edible who also think that it tastes good.

Hey! Is he making fun of us?

Lots -- Number of sands in an hourglass counted during the days of our lives as the world turns.

24,902 -- Number in miles of dental floss required to wrap around the Earth once.

24,902 -- Circumference of the Earth expressed in miles.

1 -- Circumference of the Earth expressed in units of dental floss provided that 1 DF: 24,902 miles.

A zillion -- Number of "points" needed to redeem for a free trip to Yonkers.

Always -- Number of times the "points" will expire before the free trip can be taken.

Ultra-Long -- Time it would take to reach the edge of the Universe in a spaceship traveling at the speed of light.

Not-Quite-as-Long -- Time it would take in a spaceship that had really good magazines and movies on board.

2 -- Number of zuzim for which, in days of old, a goat could be had.

Had Gadya.