What's Cookin,' Good-Lookin'? (Celebrity Edition). This Week's Guest Chef: Bashar al-Assad

Good evening, Studio Audience and to all of you on-line from locations where the Internet has not been disabled. I'm your host, Fillipay.  And this is "What's Cookin,' Good-Lookin'? (Celebrity Edition)."

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.  Let's meet tonight's celebrity guest chef. He's Bashar al-Assad, the President of the Syrian Arab Republic, Regional Secretary of the Ba'ath Party, and the son of former President Hafez al-Assad.
Welcome, Mr. President.

 [APPLAUSE]

 Thank you, Fillipay.  It's really great to be here.

 [APPLAUSE]

What are you making for the people tonight, Mr. President?

I'll be cooking goose. 

Carumba! That doesn't sound very Syrian, Mr. President.

Yeah, well, I haven't been able to get out of the house for a while.  The streets are always so jammed with people, and Damascus traffic is a bitch. Plus, I really hate crowds.  I guess it runs in the family.  My dad, Hafez, really hated crowds, too, especially in places like Hama. Boy, the crowds there pissed him off! But if anyone knew how to deal with a crowd, it was my dad. Anyway, so I'm stuck at home, right? And I had to scrounge around for whatever was in the freezer, and I pulled out this big, ol' goose.  It was too wild!

That's great, Mr. President. How will you be preparing the goose for us tonight?

Oh you'll have a hernia when you see how easy it is, Fillipay! First we pound it into a fine pulp with these batons.  Here, give it a good whack.  See?  Nothing to it.  Then we take these electric cattle prods and give it a few humongous jolts.

Wow!  I've heard of molecular gastronomy infusion, but electric cattle prods?  That is truly revolutionary!

Gawd awmighty, you have no idea, Fillpay! It's a riot!

What's next, sir?

The Pièce de résistance! We shoot it at close range with this special gun.

Holy cow!  Are those real bullets you're using?

You betcha, Fillipay!  My wife and I love to make this dish at home during our "family time."   We had so much fun teaching this recipe to our kids, but it took them a while to get the hang of it, and when they were little,  the bullets would just fly everywhere.  My wife would shout "duck!" And then I would say, "don't you mean 'goose,' darling?"     And this would just send her into gales of laughter.  Sometimes, she'd have to breathe into a paper bag, she'd laugh so hard.


You are quite a cut-up, Mr. President.
 
In my high school class, I was voted class clown and also most likely to succeed!  You didn't know that about me, did you Fillipay?


No, indeed. What's your sign?

Virgo.  My birthday's 9/11. 

Explosive, my man. Well what's next?


Now we just let the bird writhe around in agony for a few hours until it's done.

Right.  We'll come back to that.  Folks, while we're waiting, consider making a financial contribution to this station.  Volunteers from the Secret Police are here tonight staffing the phones, ready to take down the amount of your donation, your name, address, and all sorts of intimate details of your private life. We're counting you.  I mean, we're counting on you.

What's all that hootenanny and hollerin' at the door?

Mr. President, it appears the building is surrounded by a gigantic crowd calling for your head.


My head!?  Real original.  Now you see why I hate crowds, Fillipay?

I think I understand, Mr. President.  But anyway, here they come!  Hello, people. Welcome to our set.

Get me outta here, Fillipay!  Get me outta here!

Oh, alright, sir.  But before you go, let's have a look at your dish.  Well now, look at that.  Mr. Bashar al-Assad, your goose is cooked!  Thanks for being on the show!

Next week on "What's Cookin,' Good-Lookin? (Celebrity Edition):"  Laurent Gbagbo, President of Côte d'Ivoire.

Good night, everybody!



[WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Oh! That's Why Ants Are Always Bumping Into Each Other! They're Texting!

If, while reading this, you are unexpectedly seized with the notion that you are alone in the Universe, that is to say, that everything you perceive, including every person, place, or thing that you have ever experienced, is but a figment[n.1] of your imagination, abstain from panic, pause, breathe (both directions) and consider the contra evidence.

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 Note 1: As a unit of measurement, a figment is notoriously unreliable (not least because Spinoza proved conclusively that it is not even a unit of measurement, for which he was excommunicated, being thus compelled to forfeit his "loaner" tefillin). Once favored, principally, by certain over-priced alternative victualleries, the term was long ago jettisoned as a commercial standard, cast aside for the more prosaic, but practical, "skosh," the plural of which was once proposed to be "skoshie," until the WTO put the kibosh on that rather insane idea.
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The evidence of which we speak abounds.  No matter how deranged you think you are, there are certain things that even your subconscious would not conjure because they are too painful to contemplate.  Ergo, you would not have inflicted them upon yourself, as the Ego would simply have forbidden it. (Ergo...Ego).

The list is long, to be sure, but some of the stand-outs include: (1) People on the train seemingly glancing in your direction, but, in point of fact, looking right through you, while talking into their hidden mouthpieces (so that it looks as though they are just mumbling loudly to themselves), announcing their take-out selection to their spouse waiting at the next stop at such obnoxious decibels that one hundred and twenty three perfect strangers know what they are having for dinner (chicken); (2) the fingernails-across-a-blackboard-like howl of the fisher cat, and; (3) fingernails across a blackboard.

Thus, to the extent that you had supposed that you were the only living, feeling, thinking being, and that everybody else was just a robot put here as a cruel joke to satisfy the sadistic amusement of an indifferent Creator, be of good cheer and be now disabused: 6 billion other people are thinking precisely the same thing at this moment.

Pay Attention; That Will Make it Easier to Cheat on the Test.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

     To All First Year Law Students:

     We've totally revamped our Legal Practice Skills program.  No longer will we waste our time (and yours)  teaching you to write a motion for summary judgment or the minutiae of citing a statute, and so forth. Any child could download an adequate brief from the Internet, slap their name on it, and pass it off as an original argument. Why squander valuable educational resources on something you already know how to do in your sleep? Instead, we'll be focusing on the core skills you will need to thrive in the current legal landscape and to stay a step ahead. The sections of our new program are titled as follows:

      1.     Getting the Money Up Front

 

     Should you have any doubt as to the fundamental thesis of this section, may we suggest art school?

      2.     Making it Seem As Though You Are Not Really Avoiding Opposing Counsel By Facetiously Leaving Them a Voice Mail in the Evening After You're Pretty Sure They've Left the Office for the Day

     This is a skill honed over many years of practice, and we will study its techniques in-depth.

      3.      Giving Clients the Impression You are Up at the Crack of Dawn Attending to Their Matters

     We will learn the ins and outs of the technology at our disposal used regularly to create the spectacular illusion that we have contained the crisis du jour. The proprietary software used in the classroom will need to be returned at the end of the term.

     4.     Bluffing

     It's all in the attitude, and yours will need to be adjusted.

      5.     Making Outrageous Demands Unsupported by Facts, Law, or Common Sense

    

     We will take what we learned in the previous section and build upon it.

     6.     Getting Others to Pay for Lunch

      Not as easy as it looks, but cost-effective -- and nutritious.

     7.     Billing Just for Thinking About Stuff

     Hey, you thought of it.  Why shouldn't you be able to bill for it? Some people make piles of money just for a "concept," and they usually get to see their name at least 30 lines above the first mention of the craft service.

     8.     Sucking Up

     True, this is already in everybody's skill set, but doing it to one client while simultaneously thinking about another to maximize double-billing opportunities is not something that just comes naturally. It is sui generis  to our profession, and can be perfected only through practice.

     9.     Being Consistently Unavailable

     Failing and refusing to return phone calls is not a matter of simply resolving to resist the temptation to respond to urgent messages or deliberately not disabling the out-of-office auto reply greeting on the email -- even days after you've already returned from vacation.  There are many other tricks of the trade that you haven't heard of, and we'll deconstruct them.

     10.     Stealing Pens

     If you think you can just set up shop using your own, puny collection of office supplies, you are very much mistaken. These things are expensive, and you already have plenty of demands on your purse strings, such as the crushing debt that will be bestowed upon you upon the completion of your studies. In this class, you will master the fine art of filching from other people's fancy conference rooms (includes instruction in klepting pads, paper clips, highlighters, and post-it notes).

     11.  Pretending You Know What You Are Talking About

    Again, do not make the mistake of saying to yourself: "Everybody does this daily. Why do I need this stupid class?  Maybe I should transfer to another school." Or, if you do say it to yourself, hold your hands over your ears and don't listen. Even if you think you know all there is to know about this subject, you are deluding yourself.  Real attorneys use big words, lots of Latin, and just plain gobbledygook gussied up to seem important.

     The practice of law is cutthroat. It is no place for amateurs. Getting a passing grade in the Practice Legal Order-Tools-Zeitgeist (PLOTZ) is a condition precedent to graduation.

As Socrates once said: "The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing," y'know?

Study!  Study!  Study!

Ho! Ho! Hey! Hey! Fascism is Bad Feng Shui!

Why are you writing me a ticket?  There's still 3 minutes left on the meter!

It's an anticipatory violation.

What are you talking about?  I'm here right now and there's still time on the meter!

But by the time you move your car, time on the meter will have expired.

      
That's outrageous!  I'll be out of here faster than you can finish writing down my license plate number!

No you won't.

Yes, I will!

No you won't.

This is ridiculous!

Nevertheless, by the time you move your car, time will have expired and so you're getting a ticket.

Oh Really?

Yes.

And how can you be so sure that I won't be gone when time expires?

Because, your car is locked.

So?

And your keys are on the front seat,  just where you left them.

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Friends, there's just nothing funny about the earthquake and Tsunami in Japan -- or for that matter, the recent earthquake in New Zealand and the floods in Australia.  Thousands of lives have been devastated.  If you are in a position to help with financial assistance, you may want to visit the following website for tips on ensuring that your donations are directed as effectively as possible:


http://www.charitynavigator.org/

Thank you.

HIYLH. 

Symphonia for 27 Shofars and Kazoo by Smedley Feinschmecker -- An Appreciation/Apology

     One hears in "The Symphonia,"  the masterwork of the obscure composer, Smedley Feinschmecker, the familiar collision of the sublime and the mundane, a device skillfully tasked to give voice to the musician's supposition about what the moment of creation would  have sounded like if someone had been around to record it on sub-optimal equipment and then retransmitted it over a faulty telephone line.

     The Symphonia is at once an ambitious and awesome undertaking, and not infrequently kind of obnoxious. Well-executed, a performance of the work is a tout de force. But this musical deux ex machina,  in the hands of perplexed musicians, is rendered more often as simply machina cacophonious, leading some critics to dub the piece:  "Guide for the Perplexed."

     The Symphonia, sometimes called "The Mohel," is an astoundingly long and complex composition divided, not by movements, but by what Feinschmecker referred to as "innings." It is so long, in fact (a complete performance lasts for nine innings), that a full production calls for no fewer than three conductors plus a fourth conductor working relief.

       While the piece gets off to a slow start, the score builds gradually, inning by inning, in intensity and tempo until it reaches the 7th inning, where the composer, evidently tuckered out, stretches, refreshes,  and substitutes some of the starter leitmotifs with fresh ones summoned from the depths of his psyche, or, as he put it, "the bench." Here, Feinschmecker has borrowed heavily from other composers.

        Interviewed for the liner notes of the last major release of his work on the Sine Qua Huh? label, Feinschmecker described his method for incorporating influences from his own favorite composers into his 7th inning:

     "I copied them outright, note-for-note, without attribution or the slightest hint of guilt.  I find that when you do this with public domain compositions, it cuts way down on the litigation.  This is why, in my Symphonia, after what sounds like 47 minutes of unmitigated bellowing, you suddenly hear an exact replica of the 3rd Brandenburg Concerto, followed by the opening movement of the Jupiter Symphony, and finished off with the juicier parts from the Ode to Joy, if you can imagine those pieces having been written for shofar and kazoo."  Thus, the 7th inning of the work has come down to us as "The Plagiarism Suite."

     Feinschmecker, like many in his industry, was a firm believer in crescendo, and resented composers like Satie and Debussy who resisted the urge. Feinschmecker thought their approach idiotic. He often referred to them as "stupid idiot persons," but never to their faces, for they were not contemporaries, and never met in any event.

     The crescendo in Feinschmecker's Symphonia comes from behind a tonal scuffle in the 9th inning in the form of the stirring "Alles Alles In Free" chorus. Though he rarely spoke of it, notes scribbled on the back of a customer copy of a restaurant receipt and now archived at an on-line university together with the rest of his papers give us clues about the genesis of Feinschmecker's inspiration for his momentous finale.

     The epiphany came at a fish eatery where the maître d' announced repeatedly over the loudspeaker: "Feinschmecker, Party of Five!" to gales of laughter from the other patrons, including Feinschmecker's own colleagues from the Komposer's Kollege, who had earlier promised to treat him to lunch, but decided to have him pitch in when hearing that name amplified in the heady atmosphere of flounder and cooking oil.

     This incident evidently inspired the volcanic high-pitched eruption that concludes the work in such a rage. During the premier public performance of the Symphonia, the audience covered their ears made "lullalullalullabulla" noises by moving their index fingers back and forth rapidly over their lips to drown out the sound, and headed for the exits before the end of the inning -- a tradition that survives to this day.

     Feinschmecker is rarely performed anymore; he hasn't written anything for the past 30 years, a period coinciding with the number of years he has been dead.  This has been a source of consternation for some.  For others, it is music to their ears.


     Most musicologists agree that Feinschmecker was often given over to an anger and angst that constantly infused his music. (He liked to compare himself to Beethoven, but the reverse was never the case). Evidence is to be found in an anecdote about one of his earliest childhood memories. Before coming to America, the original family name had been Feinschmeckers with an "S," but it was shortened at Ellis Island because the immigration official there had trouble with the pronunciation.   Feinschmecker, the Younger, was always bitter that his father hadn't lopped off the "Schmecker," when he had the chance, but the elder said that would have been too painful.

     Who knows what musical gifts Smedley Fein would have left us? Of course, we can only speculate.  The "Symphonia" is Feinschmecker's way of saying "who cares?"

Learn English Pronto With Abdullah Zelnick!

 Unit 3, Lesson  7 -- American Idioms

Read the following passage aloud, and try to identify the words or phrases that may have more than one meaning in the English Language.

At the Butcher

     On Friday morning, Mrs. Rasmallah Goldfarb walks to her neighborhood halal butcher.  Her butcher's name is Osama Hussein William Sonoma.  She greets him, "Good morning, Mr. Sonoma. Have you any fresh meat today?"

     The butcher responds, "Top of the morning to you, Mrs. Goldfarb.  We have some fine, fresh mutton."

      Mrs. Goldfarb responds, "Are you sure it is halal, Mr. Sonoma?  The last mutton you sold me was walking, talking, and quacking suspiciously like a duck."

     The butcher answers her, "Why of course, Mrs. Goldfarb.  It's as halal as the day is long." Just then, Mrs. Goldfarb's best friend, Shirley Abdul-Jabbar, walks into the butcher shop. Luckily, she is not  seriously injured. Mrs. Goldfarb greets her friend.

     "Why Shirley,  you haven't been around here for a month of Fridays! How's Irving and the kids?"

     Mrs. Abdul-Jabbar answers her friend, " Same old, same old.  How's by you?  Isn't that old rascal of a husband of yours, Mohamed, skiing this weekend?"

     "Oh, you know Mohamed," replies Mrs. Goldfarb. "He can never get in any skiing because he refuses to go to the mountains."

     "Well, then," replies Mrs. Abdul-Jabbar, "we must simply bring the mountains..."  but the butcher, Mr. Sonoma, interrupts her.

     "Ladies, ladies, please!  The kibbitzing corner is in the back.  You can come here to meet but then you should buy some. I have good customers lining up behind you, and you're schmoozing about mountains? Now serving number 6!"

     Mrs. Abdul-Jabbar replies, "I am so sorry, Mr. Sonoma. Irving and I are going on the hajj next week, and I'm excited to catch up with my friend,  because I won't see her for a while.  I'll take 4 mutton chops, if you please."

     "Very well, Mrs. Abdul-Jabbar," replies the butcher.  "Here, while you wait, try some rugelach my wife, Basheera, made."  He hands her a plate of the cookies, and both Mrs. Abdul-Jabbar and  Mrs. Goldfarb help themselves.

     Mrs. Goldfarb says, "Not to be picky, Mr. Sonoma, but the rugelach is a little dry."

     Mr. Sonoma replies, "Now you're a judge of rugelach? You? a shiksa?"  He begins to wrap the mutton chops for Shirley Abdul-Jabbar.  She stops him by wagging her finger in his general direction.

     "Osama Hussein William Sonoma!  You and I both know that cut of meat is too small and a shanda fur die goyim. I can't make a decent curry or Shahi mutton Biriyani with the likes of that!  Now please do give me a good cut, or I'll be out of here in a Shiite minute!"

     Osama Hussein William Sonoma replies, "Alhamdulillah, Mrs. Abdul-Jabbar, I shall do my best."

     Rasmallah Goldfarb, with her mouth still full of food, says, "Mr. Sonoma,  I feel great remorse.  Now I see that I judged the rugelach too hastily.  The first one was indeed dry.  But the second, third, fourth, and fifth ones were all excellent --  flaky on the outside and moist on the inside. Please thank Mrs. Sonoma."

      "As-Salāmu `Alaykum, Mrs. Goldfarb," replies the butcher. "Hows' about some nice schwarma for Morry and the kiddies?"

     "Thank you, Mr. Sonoma.  I'm sure they'd plotz," answers Rasmallah Goldfarb. Then the butcher finishes wrapping the orders for the two women.  As they leave, they say "thank you" and "goodbye" to Mr. Sonoma. He answers them.

     "Have a good Hajj, Shirley. Zei gezunt!  As for you, Mrs. Goldfarb, I shall see you next week at the usual time?

     "In šāʾ Allāh," responds Mrs. Goldfarb. 

Questions for Review

     1.     In the above passage, why does Mrs. Goldfarb say "have you any fresh meat? " instead of  "Do you have any fresh meat?"  Is she putting on airs?  Why or why not?

     2.     When Osama Hussein William Sonoma says, "It's as halal as the day is long," do you think he is being derivative? Was he correct to use a contraction here?

     3.     Do you get the sense that Mrs. Abdul-Jabbar has cut in line? Is this rude, or is she allowed to jump in front of others and join her friend at the front? Would your answer be different if she had an unusually large order and couldn't make up her mind?

     4.     Is it believable that the rugelach is flaky on the outside and moist on the inside, or is Rasmallah jiving?
   
     5.     Instead of saying "goodbye" to the butcher, should the women say "à bientôt?"  Or would this just make him roll his eyes impatiently, as butchers are wont to do?

Vocabulary Builder

mutton
weekend
wagging
flaky

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Next Week's Lesson:  "A Visit to the ER with a Mild Case of Botulism."

It's Right Here. In the Rules. Under "Random"

PUTZOPOLY® (The Game of Winners and Losers) (TM)

The Rules

OBJECT

The object of the game is to avoid being a putz.

EQUIPMENT

The equipment consists of a board, 2 dice, tokens, and some Insta-Tan (TM) lotion.  The tokens are as follows:  The Helen Thomas Top Hat, the Louis Farrakhan Shoe, The Julian Assange Thimble, the Galliano Iron, the Charlie Sheen Car, and the Mikis Theodorakis Wheelbarrow. (Any pure coincidence is real persons, living or dead).

PREPARATION

Place the board on a table and put some random cards face-down on their allotted spaces on the board. What cards? -- You may ask, and well you should, as there was no mention of "cards" in the above-section  about "Equipment." Well, any old cards will do:  business cards, greeting cards, or just some kind of cards.  It doesn't really make that much of a difference.  Why are you getting so hung up on the cards, anyway?  Just put the damn cards on the board and move on, already. Each player chooses one token to represent him (or not him) on his (or not his) travels around the board.

Wait a minute.  Can we just go back to the cards for a moment? How can the cards have allotted spaces if they're just random cards?  How can you have an allotted space for something that's random? What if I can't even find any cards? Are they all supposed to be the same size? Do Jokers even count as cards?  This is more confusing than the assembly directions from Ikea.




Are you done?




Each player is given $15,000 divided as follows: 2 each of $500's, $100's and $50's; 6-$20's; 5 each of $10's, $5's and $1's.

A.  That doesn't add up to $15,000.  It only adds up to $1,500.
B.   Where is this money supposed to come from? When the game starts, somebody shows up and just starts doling out cash?

Or what?

All remaining money and other equipment go to the Bank. Make sure it's the one bank that hasn't yet been taken over by all the other banks.

And another thing, the Galliano Iron is ugly.

BANKER

Select as Banker a player who has good credit. Have him (or not him) apply for a home equity loan. $100,000 is a good starting point, but if new cabinets were installed recently, maybe you could get more. If the Banker plays in the game, he (or not he) must keep his (or not his) personal funds separate from those of the Bank. And good luck with that.

Also, the Banker is allowed to cheat.

It's Right here. In the Rules.  Under "Banker."

THE BANK

The Bank stacks the deck, pays bonuses (to the Banker), and turns down loans to other players (even to those who have not even applied for a loan) when required or whenever it feels like it. Restrooms are not for public use. Even if you are playing in your own house, you have to ask the Bank for permission to go to the bathroom.  Why?

It's right here. In the Rules. Under "Bank."

The Bank never goes "broke"  Well, that's not really true.  The Bank goes "broke" plenty.  But if it does, it's taking everybody down with it.  

THE PLAY

Starting with the Banker, each player in turn throws the dice. After the Banker throws the dice, the other players have to scurry around to find them, pick them up, and bring them back to the playing board. The player who finds the dice first may keep one for the afikomen. He (or not he) places his (or not his) token on the corner marked "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?" throws 2 dice and moves his (or not his) token in the direction of the arrow the number of spaces indicated by the dice. After he (or not he) has completed his (or not his) play, the turn to play passes to the left. If the players are arrayed in single file, instead of sitting around a table, like normal people, this will be impossible and the game will then be over.  At this point, the players may write the words "GAME OVER" on poster board, and run out into the street in search of a camera crew. The tokens remain on the spaces occupied and proceed from that point on the player's next turn. How can they just do that by themselves with the players abandoning the board and running out into the street?  Good question.

This is where the random cards come into the picture.

If a player throws doubles, he (or not he) moves his token as usual the sum of the two dice and is subject to any privileges or penalties pertaining to the space on which he (or not he) lands. Whatever the hell that means. If a player throws doubles three times in succession, he (or not he) moves his (or not his) token immediately to the space marked "In Jail," with the exception of the Helen Thomas Top Hat, which, let's face it, has suffered enough. 

"WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?"

Each time a player's token lands on or passes over "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?" whether by throw of the dice or by drawing a (random) card, the Banker cuts him (or not him) $200 "salary."  What do you think are the chances of drawing a card that says "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?" when you have gotten your cards by cannibalizing an old game of CLUE or some stupid, ripped thing that was stuck to the refrigerator? Mighty slim. The $200 is meant to buy your complacency so that you don't scribble "GAME OVER" and run out into the street.

How's that working out so far?

JAIL

There is a "get out of jail free" card, but it is reserved for the Banker. The other players may use the "ankle bracelet" cards if they can find them in the random pile.

From Jail, a player may buy or sell property, collect rents, tamper with witnesses, and run for office. 

INCOME TAX

(See "Banker" and "Jail").

FREE PARKING

Yeah, sure.

BANKRUPTCY

A player is bankrupt when he (or not he) owes more than he (or not he) can pay  to the Bank. So, for that matter, is a city, town, state, or country.  In the end the Bank gets it all.

It's right here.  In the Rules.  Under "Bankruptcy."

The player whose token has managed not to utter an ethnic slur for the duration of play has avoided being a putz and is the winner.

If there's any Insta-Tan (TM) left, he (or not he) can slather it all the Julian Assange Thimble, which is looking a tad pale.

Must be a conspiracy.
_____________________

The PUTZOPOLY® trademark and its logo, the distinctive design of the game board, each of the distinctive elements of the board, and the ridiculous anti-Semitic playing pieces are trademarks of Havurah, Inc.  © 1935, 1936, 1998 Havurah, Inc. 

1959, 1977, 1985, 1991 (Other years).

Good years, though.

1998 (another year).