I'm out of my mind, and I approved this message.

MEMO

From: Campaign Manager/Press Secretary/Chauffeur/Buyer of Coffee/Therapist of Cat/Walker of Cat/Feeder of Cat/Companion of Cat/Substitute Scratching Post for Cat/Person Who Rescues Dimwitted Birds and Chipmunks From Cat/Staffer Who Would Be Assigned to Deflect Embarrassing Questions if Any Were Ever Asked by a Fellow Human Being (Embarrassing or Otherwise – Questions, That is)/Groomer of Cat

To: HIYLH Presidential Campaign

Re: Lighting a Fire Under Everybody’s Ass a/k/a “Traction” a/k/a “Buzz”

Date:  There’s no time like the present.

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        As is readily apparent to anybody breathing, we aint got no mojo. Nobody has ever heard of us.  Even if they did, they wouldn’t care about us nohow. If the election were held today, we wouldn’t be on the ballot. Anyplace.  In addition, all of our regular television programs would be preempted. A double whammy.

        The prospect of our making a dent is about as remote as the cat making up its mind. If we ever had a notion of being anything other than a footnote in this election, that possibility is fading fast.  Even the opportunity to be an asterisk is slipping from our grasp.

        Our only hope is to have a scandal. Not the kind that all the other campaigns have.  That will not distinguish us, and we will just be back at square one faster than you can say: “That was uncalled for, senator!”

        We have engineered some computer models, and have come up with the following scenarios that, we hope, might put our name on the map, or, at the very least, on a few bumper stickers:

1.   Using “i” after  "e" following  “c” without regards to whether it sounds like “ay,” as in “neighbor” and “weigh.”

Pros:  Really drives people up the wall and gets them muttering expletives under their breath.

Cons: Only works on paper.  When the “i” before “e” rule is violated in conversation, nobody can tell the difference.

2.   Wearing white after Labor Day.

Pros: This does tend to fill a certain demographic with unmitigated rage.

Cons:  “After” Labor Day is also “Before” Labor Day, as our calendar is cyclical. Too many people just won’t notice, because nobody will be able to tell when “Before” ends and “After” begins.    

3.   Claiming to have been the inspiration for something, like blaming everything on bread.

Pros: Blaming everything on bread is all the rage these days.

Cons: Technology being what it is now, our little fraud will be exposed before it has a chance to make a splash.

4.   Being overheard on a “live” microphone that we thought was turned off admitting that we have no idea what we are doing.

Pros: Everybody loves it when politicians are unmasked by impolitic utterances in the vicinity of “live” microphones that they thought were turned off.

Cons: Admitting that we have no idea what we are doing hardly seems a scandal given that any fool can see that we have no idea what we are doing.

5.   Messing up the lyrics to the National Anthem.

Pros: This will shine a very unflattering light on our patriotism and, perhaps, even cause our citizenship to be questioned.

Cons: No one knows the lyrics to the National Anthem, so no one will notice. Or care.

6.   Questioning whether the earth actually revolves around the sun.

Pros: Meteorological debates could lend an air of gravitas heretofore lacking from the campaign.

Cons: People running for office these days espouse so many nutty theories as a matter of routine that this one may never stand out as being any more insane than any other opinion currently hitting the hustings.

We’d come up with some more ideas if we could, but we have to go let the cat in.

"Together, we can't do any worse."