Posts
Friday, August 17, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark Goes for Gold
If you really want to hear
about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is how many rows away
from the emergency exit I was sitting, and what my lousy flight was like, and how
my stewardesses acted before they had
me confined to my seat for doing jumping jacks in the aisle, and all that David
Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to
know the truth.
The point is,
the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team finally made it to the Olympics. Or
within the general proximity thereof. At least on paper. Sort of.
Here's how it
all went down.
Day 1: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team formed.
(tryouts not necessary because country has a population of only 2 (1 of whom
refuses to recognize country) plus cat.
Day 2: Cat deemed not eligible for National Team and
summarily kicked off.
Day 3: Cat appeals expulsion order.
Day 3: (partius secundus): Expulsion order upheld.
Day 3: (partius tricundus): Cat defects across
the border and seeks political asylum.
Day 3: (partius
quatrain): Cat's application for political asylum denied!
Day 3: (partius quintius maximus): Cat summarily
repatriated by enemy border patrol.
Day 3: (partius sextuplet): Cat begins sit-in
protest.
Days 4-72: Casting about for some Olympic event in which
to compete.
Day 73: Hitting
upon notion of Olympic Solitaire. Pros:
Can be played with only one person.
Cons: Can be played with only one
person.
Day 73 (partius secundus) : Olympic Solitaire
scratched!!!
Days 74-79: In training for Olympic channel surfing. (not
to be confused with other surfing events).
Day 80: Board plane for London.
[skipping over
various incidents on the plane]
Day 80: (partius secundus) Arrive London.
Day 80: (partius ticonderoga) Ask directions for Olympic Village.
Day 80: (partius quatrain) No one knows where
Olympic Village is.
Days 80-83: At
Courtyard by Marriot®, stewing.
Day: 83 (partius secundus) Bellhop happens to
causally mention that Olympics are not
in London, Ontario but, rather, that other
London, and what is the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team doing in Canada when
the Olympics are in England? Rubbing it in, etc.
Day 84: Board plane for London.
[skipping over
various incidents on the plane]
[skipping over
various incidents at customs]
[skipping over
various incidents on the “Tube”]
Day 85: Conversation
with bobby, summarized as follows:
“You can’t come in here, without credentials
mate.”
“I’m with
the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team.”
“Never ‘eard of you.”
“What
do you mean you never heard of us? Here.
Here’s our flag.”
“You’re not on the list. Put that greasy
thing away, and kindly step aside.”
“But I’ve
got to march in the Parade of Nations.”
“Mate,
the Parade of Nations was 6 days ago.
You’re a mite late.”
“Ho,
ho. Very funny. The Parade of Nations can’t get started
without the first team alphabetically. That would be us by a long shot. Helllo?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark. Also first in the phone book. Maybe you should look at your little list
again.”
[skipping over
various incidents at the magistrate’s court]
[skipping over
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark medal count so far, but you can probably guess it.]
Day 86: Consoling self with
high tea at the Savoy, watching on the “telly” as various badminton teams
deliberately throw their matches. Even
the cat could play better than these buffoons.
Day: 86 (partius secundus) Happen to tell bellhop at the Savoy about the ins
and outs of the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team Olympic event. In response, bellhop
happens to causally mention that there never was and never will be any such Olympic
event.
Why do clueless people and fakers have so
many opinions, do you suppose?
-------------------------
Don’t ever tell
anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
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