(Insurance) Policy of the Cave Bear

This Agreement of Indemnification is made between us (“THE COMPANY”) and you (“you”) in accordance with the terms hereof. 

Basic Coverage

This Policy (hereinafter “This Policy”) covers injuries sustained by you (hereinafter “You”) and Third Parties (hereinafter “Third Parties”) arising from (hereinafter “from”) your negligent acts and (hereinafter “&”) omissions in connection with the performance of your duties and responsibilities as a Paleolithic hunter (hereinafter “Cave Man.”) We will pay to the limit set forth in the coverage selections section for the following events:

Eaten by a bear

Eaten by a lion

Eaten by a wooly mammoth

Eaten by an enormous reptile

Unpleasant consequence arising from the eating of eggplant

Definitions

For purposes of This Policy, the following terms shall have the following meanings:

Nnnng: shall mean and refer to Nnnng and all instances thereof.

∞←↕↖↗⌂:  shall mean exactly what it says, but only when used as a sibilant fricative.

shall mean a contiguous course of profit-taking occurring more than once in a blue moon entitling preferred shareholders to distributions all out of proportion to actual contributions and possibly depleting the availability of cash on hand for actual claimants.

shall mean adverse market conditions beyond the control of the Company resulting in unanticipated losses, which, in turn, may diminish reserves available to pay out any single claim or combination of claims during the Policy period.

    
shall mean the contractual obligation of the Company to honor the terms of a "golden parachute" for an incompetent CEO whose exercise thereof may cause the Company to experience a shortfall, delaying or downsizing the payment of any claim. 

Gerund: We don’t pretend to know what a gerund is and you, likewise, should stop going around so pretending.

Wherever in this Policy the context so requires, the masculine gender shall incorporate the feminine, the singular shall incorporate the plural, and everything in between shall be incorporated and expurgated so as to give us maximum advantage in being exculpated from ("wriggling out of") responsibility to do or pay anything to anyone at any time.

Exclusions

We may decline or delay coverage under any combination of the following circumstances:

(a)    If, while chasing a herd of antelope off a cliff, you fall into a ravine, getting stuck in the permafrost causing you to be transformed into a perfectly preserved mummy, and you fail to notify us within 45,000 years of such event, we may decline coverage. Our denial of coverage under this sub-part (a) is subject to your right to purchase supplemental coverage under Rider Q offsetting such denial, provided further that the discovery of you in your mummified form is made by an archaeologist from Liechtenstein within 30,000 years of the extended notice period and reported to the Company within a reasonable period of time thereafter, but in no event later than 100 years from such discovery.

(b)   You assume all risk of loss if you drag behemoth stones 75 miles from where they are quarried to a different location to assemble them as monoliths for some mysterious religious rite prior to the invention of the wheel.

(c)    If, due to ill-conceived stalking and hunting techniques, you are dispossessed of every material thing that you used to own, except for two sticks, which you subsequently rub together until they ignite singeing the hair on your knuckles, we may decline coverage unless you can produce receipts proving that the sticks were obtained under a warranty of fitness for a particular purpose.

(d)   Cavorting or otherwise associating with Neanderthals will, at our option, void each of our obligations under this Policy. The Policy will be voided even if we pronounce it: NEE-AN-DER-TAHL and you pronounce it:  NEE-AN-DER-THAL.   NEE-AN-DER-TAHL; NEE-AN-DER-THAL; NEE-AN-DER-THAL; NEE-AN-DER-TAHL; let’s call the whole thing off.

(e)    We will not provide coverage for damage caused by falling from trees unless such occurrence is associated with a vestigial primordial dream about falling from trees.

(f)    If you are suspected of creating or contributing to the creation of crop circles or other gigantic representational forms visible to, and understood by, aliens from outer space and nobody else except for you and any member of your immediate household, your benefits under the Policy will be suspended pending an investigation by the Company. During the period of such suspension, the Company shall have no obligation to indemnify you against any loss or occurrence (even under a reservation of rights), regardless of whether such loss or occurrence would otherwise be a covered event under any other section of the Policy. Under no circumstance shall the Company ever have any obligation to go out on a limb (literally) to extend coverage.

(g)   If you are in a rock band (and given the time period of the Policy, what other type of band would you possibly be in?), and, as a consequence, somebody hits you with a rock, we may decline coverage, unless your head is insured separately as part of an umbrella policy.

(h)   Under no circumstance shall the Company have any liability for acts of gods.

(a)    If 

(a

Cancellation

We may cancel the Policy with or without notice to you in any era at any time for any reason, or for no reason, or for a made-up reason, or for reasons which, at first blush, seem pretty legit, but are really just specious arguments gussied up to seem more profound than they actually are, and which are intended, simultaneously, to obfuscate and impress.

Assignment

You may never assign any right under this Policy, including, but not limited to, yourself if you are reincarnated and come back in a more advanced form. We may assign this Policy to whomever we like, including, especially, anybody who bails us out.

Coverage Period

Provided there is no interruption in the payment by you of your premiums, and subject to our rights of cancellation as set forth above, the Policy shall be in effect from the moment the great yellow disc in the sky ceases to be visible between the two Ficus trees growing on the side of the grassy hill to the moment the vast snowy land bridge where the mastodons hang out begins to split apart.

Resolution of Disputes

In the event of any dispute between you and the Company arising from any provision of this Policy, you submit unconditionally to the jurisdiction of three guys sitting around in furs and throwing shells into the dirt. You waive all rights of appeal to have the pattern of the shells interpreted by three other guys, even if the first interpretation is utter nonsense, and nobody understands it.  

WHEREUPON, the parties to this Agreement have signified their acceptance thereof by making imprints in the rapidly-drying mud with their feet.