Noseys Outside the Box

Ding Dong the Belles Are Gonna Whine

     Mack Khan, of West Tisbury, Massachusetts, was married to Nahsi Gohreng of Peterborough, New Hampshire on April 23 by Swami K. (the "Bull") Pillay at the Upstairs Downstairs Steady-As-She-Goes On-Line Spiritual and Recreational Center of Greenwich, Connecticut. The bride will be keeping her own name.  The bridegroom will be changing his name to Irving Thalberg. The Swami is being investigated by the Office of the Attorney General for the State of Connecticut for marrying people without a license (although many of the people he has married have have, in  fact, held, at one time, drivers' and other kinds of licenses).

     The bride, a former second runner-up in the Junior Miss "Our Town" Pageant, is the daughter of Mhee Gohreng, herself a runner-up in the above-named pageant not that long ago, and  a founder of the Peterborough, N.H. Fried Noodle Emporium. She is a graduate of the Royal Road to Learning. The bride's father is also known as "Mhee," which he spells without an "H," (and without a "superfluous "e"), and is the vice president of the Fried Noodle Emporium of Peterborough, N.H.  He is also a former judge of the Junior Miss "Our Town" Pageant, where he met his current wife, Mhee, shortly before he dumped his former wife, Nasi.
    
     The bridegroom's mother invented the concept of "Out-of-Office-Auto-Reply," the proceeds of which financed her purchase of a tony oceanfront estate in Martha's Vineyard.  The bridegroom's father may once have spotted Harrison Ford and Walter Cronkite drinking together at The Black Dog pub, but it was dark, and it could just have well been some locals "funnin' " him.

       The bride's parents, (a/k/a Ayam and Lembu "Satay" Ghoreng), own, in addition to the  Peterborough, N.H. Fried Noodle Emporium, a chain of drive-thru meat-on-a-stick concerns on the eastern seaboard and in the food courts of various cruise ships. Though both are self-proclaimed vegans, they find a solace in the commonality between the color of many vegetables and the color of U.S. currency.

      The bride owns her own think tank and international tacos express delivery business, which she operates in her sleep with the assistance of a complex network of electrodes.  The bridegroom, though currently unemployed, is a hopeful in several lotteries promising a V.I.P pass to the British Royal wedding.  If he does not win the lottery, he plans to get up very early in the morning and watch the whole thing on simulcast while his wife is making money in her sleep. Thereafter, he plans to shop a concept for his life story (to date) to a number of tabloids.

     The bride and bridegroom made the theme of their wedding "Having a Wonderful Time, Wish You Were Here," which they imprinted on commemorative mugs and dedicated to the thousands of people who have been shot at with live ammunition by the security forces of various repressive dictatorships in recent weeks, as well as to the British Royal couple (whose own nuptial celebration is expected to be viewed worldwide on television by 2 billion people), although neither the former nor the latter were in attendance at the wedding, nor even bothered to send their regrets. Thankfully, and despite the uncertainties stemming from the boorish failure on the part of the British Royal couple to R.S.V.P.,  the prediction that chicken would be more in demand than beef proved accurate.  

    For tax purposes, the Khan (Thalberg)-Gohrengs intend to reside mostly in the Cayman Islands.   

You May Not Think So Now, But There Could Come A Time When You Are Sick of Matzah Brei

Take this simple quiz to see if you are the exception to the rule:

1.   You can't get enough of:

A.  Mind-numbingly boring news reports about the federal budget deficit
B.  Fun news stories about Ruby Heart Stealer and wild orgies at Silvio Berlusconi's villa with many Hollywood celebrities in attendance

2.   You would rather look at pictures of:

A.  The presumed field of candidates for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination
B.  Ruby Heart Stealer

3.   From among the following, the least preposterous pair is:

A.   Mousa Khousa/Boutros Boutros Ghali
B.   Ruby /Heart Stealer

If you answered "B" to all of the above, you will never get sick of matzah brei.

Pesach Chag Sameach.

Is it Just Me? Or is Everybody Getting Stuppider?

Across the spectrum of human endeavors, the sophomoric prank is an obligatory rite of passage. Who amongst us has not broken into the control tower at the airport dressed in nothing but our skivvies, tied up the public address operator, taken a giant hit off a helium balloon, and, in our most sterling Donald Duck accent, transmitted to the jet-lagged and disoriented voyagers scattered about the terminal preposterous bulletins, like: "Kabbalah Airlines announces the arrival of Flight 456 from the Planet Klezmer?" Or: "Will the person who is thinking about the brisket for dinner, please meet the apparition at the newsstand on the grand concourse where a shoplifting is now in progress?" Ho Hum. Overdone a million times. And after a certain age, as the poet says, we "put away our childish things" and it just isn't cute anymore, especially if you are the boss of everybody.

If you are the boss of everybody, of course, you have a built-in retort whenever a child or a tinhorn dictator at an international development conference wags a finger in your face while screaming, "you're not the boss of me!" For the rest of us, who are not the boss of everybody or who mostly don't go to international development conferences to throw money at totalitarians who have mastered the pronunciation of the word "reform" by practicing daily before a mirror, the highest comeback to which we can aspire is: "No, but at least I'm you're joint-venturer!" Doesn't exactly fall trippingly off the tongue. Besides which, any child or tinhorn dictator can see right through this crap.

During the era when hungry, wild animals were everywhere, and being lunch was as likely a prospect as eating it, stupidity was, to a large extent, outre, because it tended to weed out certain characteristics such as, for example, stupidity. Nowadays, to get ahead, it is practically de rigueur to be stupid. Put another way, in our own era, stupidity, especially when paired with a deficiency of talent and an allergy to couth, spells big bucks. How did we get from outre to de rigueur in so short a span? It is as though the whole world has donned skivvies, inhaled helium, and broken into the control tower.

Many is the day (every) that we have said:  "Why not throw self-respect to the wind, resuscitate one of our old standard sophomoric pranks, sell out, and cash in like all the other jackasses? Answers to these questions abound, but we don't have a clue what any of them are.

We do know this, however.  People didn't use to say "as far as" or "it was such a thrill for her and I" or "I also understand and agree that if I am 15 minutes late with a payment, Lender has the right to raise my interest rate to 29%, ruin my life, and tank the economy." But this was in the day when everybody knew how to do long division, navigate by the stars, and recite the names of Henry VIII's girlfriends.  Those days are long gone, and even though (when compared to the those aforementioned skills) the ability to describe the design of Kate Middleton's dress doesn't seem to have the same gravitas, no matter how much The New York Times fawns over it on the front page, that is now what matters most. Put another way, nobody gets rich doing long division anymore.

If this sounds like so much sour grapes because we don't have our own television show about wearing jeans so baggy that three gymnasts from Cirque du Soleil could practice -- simultaneously -- tumbling routines in them comfortably while we sit around with people inflated with silicone and collagen (whom we pretend are our friends), corrupting the language and insulting behind their backs the losers who would rather give blood than come to our idiotic caveman-themed party, it is. Plus, the Network refused to return, or even to acknowledge, our treatment.

As far as the people who run things, let's just say, we could use a few more hungry wild animals roaming around the halls of government. And the entertainment industry boardrooms.  

Do Not Be Alarmed. The Following Post Has Been Delivered Telepathically.

Nostradamus Said This Was Going to Happen!

Long Lost 943rd Quatrain Recently Discovered!
Shocking and Awesome Predictions Will Shock and Awe You!
Pinpoint Accuracy of the Prophesies -- Simply Amazing!

We present below an excerpt in translation of the great prophet's previously unknown writings recently exposed and made available to the masses.  The samples we have selected make plain what the experts have known all along -- Nostradamus was giving us keys to our own future. Like most keys, copies don't really work well. Only the original will unlock the mystery of what he was trying to say.  Will we have the sense to listen? Read on! [except in books-on-tape versions].

3.
To the Olive Garden Will Come the endless Sticks of Bread and oil
The desert prince sails to Byzantium.
Three Cards laid upon the table
The tipping point is paid in gold

500 years before the first chain restaurants arrived on the scene foisting faux Italian cuisine on a populace made indifferent to the absence of authentic fare by over-indulgence in carbohydrates and alcohol, Nostradamus predicted that the check would be split 3 ways, with the tip paid in cash.  Simply astounding! Even the naysayers have no idea how he was able to do this! The line:  "The desert prince sails to Byzantium" is a matter of debate. Could this be a reference to the anti-Christ? 

27.
The large-winged birds soar through the clouds
The nut trees wither and die in the belly of the beast
Only the noblemen will have enough for water
The fiery clash of titans spells doom

It doesn't seem possible that Nostradamus, who lived in the 16th Century, could have foreseen transcontinental jet travel.  And yet, here he is, not only describing it, but even having visions of minute details, like the galley running out of salted nuts and charging outrageous prices for bottled water. The reference to "fiery clash of titans" probably has something to do with the end of the world. 

59.
The roads are cracked and full of holes.
The way is hard for dog and man
Taxes flow in the old river to the sovereign
The wars of destruction rage to the end


Here, we have a Renaissance-era alchemist conjuring images of a 21st Century middle class, over-taxed and suffering the indignities of potholed roads serially neglected by the DPW.  There are no words to describe the prescient talents of this mystical seer! How did he know these things? Science cannot explain it. "The wars of destruction rage..." could possibly be a foretelling of the End Times.
 
71.
Monkeys of the sea
shrimp in the briny soup
Fish gotta swim birds gotta fly
The fireballs fall everywhere


The jury is still out on the meaning of this offering. As long as the interpretation remains unsettled, it appears to the untrained eye to be so much gibberish. While its meaning is yet to be teased out, most experts agree that  "The fireballs are everywhere" likely points to nuclear Armageddon.

77.
Men from north of the city between the rivers
Shooting orange balls fly through the nets
The madness of March has run its course
Once 64, now 1, in 2011, the Huskies are victorious

The "city between the rivers" identifies New York, specifically, Manhattan.  Men from north of that city (Connecticut) who  cause "orange balls [to] fly through the nets" can only be the UConn basketball team. The madness of March (the annual NCAA tournament known as March Madness), beginning as an amalgam of 64 teams vying in a round robin competition, concludes in early April with one national champion.  In the year 2011, it was the UConn Huskies. Had the skeptics taken heed and allowed Nostradamus to pick their brackets, they might have experienced the evaporation of all doubt. The skeptics don't like to dwell on this, but the Nostradamus brackets have never missed. Not once! Note that a minority of Nostradamus scholars aver that "shooting orange balls fly through the nets" is a portent of something much more sinister than basketball, such as a giant meteor smashing into the planet and wiping out all life as we know it.

84.
Sound the horns
o'er the all the land
If sounding horns
Brings delight


Self-explanatory.  "Brings delight" may foretell the Universe collapsing in on itself.

This collection should, once and for all, sound the death knell for oft-heard  whispers that the writings of Nostradamus evidence the psychotic ramblings of a severely disturbed and disoriented person.  We have proved conclusively that nothing could be further from the truth.

See?  We told you so!

The Liverwurst Capers, Or: How Zipporah Got Her Halachic Groove Back

Another HIYLH Original Short (Banned from all the major festivals):

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/11601930/the-liverwurst-capers-or-how-zipporah-got-her-halachic-groove-back