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UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK
NEW YORK YANKEES
Plaintiff,
v.
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
Defendant
09 Civ. 8809
HON. CASEY ATTHEBAT
HON. SULTAN OFSWAT
HON. CY YOUNG,
District Judges
APPEARANCES
GIRARDI AND STEINBRENNER,
Attorneys for Plaintiff,
MICHAEL MANUEL
Attorney for Defendant,
(Case called)
THE COURT: (Atthebat, J.)
This matter comes before this specially-convened 3-judge panel of this Court on the Emergency Motion of Plaintiff, New York Yankees (the "Yankees"), who are in the bottom of the 5th inning of game 1 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium against the defendant, Philadelphia Phillies (the "Phillies"). The Yankees, invoking a rarely-used provision of 28 U.S.C. 4-6-3 (the "Re-Play Act"), have challenged a call on the field by Umpire Dana DeMuth resulting in a highly-contested two-outs. Play in the game has been suspended pending a ruling by this Court.
The facts pertinent to this dispute are as follows: After a leadoff single by Hideki Matsui for the Yankees, Robinson Cano hit a sinking liner to the Phillies' Jimmy Rollins at short(stop). The parties have stipulated that Rollins caught the ball in the web of his glove just before it reached the dirt for out No. 1. The parties also agree that Rollins then stepped on second base and made the throw to Ryan Howard at first. Thus begins the case and controversy.
The Yankees allege that the throw pulled Howard off first base. Consequently, the Yankees argue that the call on the field should be reversed; that Cano should be safe at first, and that there should now be only one out.
Obviously, the Phillies urge this Court to uphold the umpire's call and cite Rule 47-A-15 of the Rules of Major League Baseball 114th ed. (the "Rules"), which Rule provides, in pertinent part:
When a call on the field is close and nobody saw nothin' to say it aint so, then it stands and nothin' and nobody can change it, not nohow.
(emphasis added).
This matter is governed by the doctrine of mootness. Whether the throw pulled Howard off first base is irrelevant, because Rollins alertly noticed that Matsui was still straying off first base after the throw to first. Howard then tagged Matsui, resulting in a double-play call. At that point, all the umps gathered and spent a minute discussing the play. They re-emerged and reiterated the double-play call. Yankees manager Joe Girardi came out to protest the call. The umpires refused to reconsider their ruling, whereupon the Yankees filed this emergency motion.
The Yankees, while citing no authority, ask this Court to take judicial notice of the fact that there has been a host of mistaken umpiring calls in this postseason. While that is so, that's how the game is played. One cannot expect to get a hit by arguing with the umpire; you've got to swing the bat. Indeed, in this most ancient of past-times, it cannot be gainsaid that "It don't mean a thing if it Aint Got that Swing." (See, Ellington, Duke, Ellington Swings! Blue Note Records, 1950).
We are not unsympathetic to the Yankees' position. Yet, while this is a Court of equity, we are nonetheless, required to abide by the rule of stare decisis. Indeed, we are mindful of the instruction in Indians v. Red Sox, 453 U.S. 27 (1952) (Frankfurter, J.): ("When there is no precedent upon which a court of first impression may rely, it should make it up."). This is still good law and we are in no position to disturb it.
The ruling on the field stands. Matsui is out and so is Cano. The Yankees are advised to focus on the fundamentals and forget about attempting to win on a technicality -- while that may be loved in a court of law, it is loathed in the court of public opinion, to wit: the diamond.
SO ORDERED.
Play Ball.
Ofswat, J. Concurring.
Young, J. Dissenting:
Respectfully, I can't help but think that my learned friends need to have their eyes checked. I watched the replay again and again. Howard was clearly pulled of the bag to make the catch, and the play was dead by the time he tagged Matsui. In a case neatly on point, the First Circuit held that when the Umpires are "futzing around trying to get their act together, a baseman has no lawful right to take advantage of the ensuing chaos to tag out an unsuspecting base-runner. In such a situation, the play is dead, the tag is a nullity, and the parties must be returned to the status quo ante. Moreover, a tag nunc pro tunc is disfavored and courts are admonished to allow it only in extreme circumstances when preservation of the public order is at stake." Boston Braves v. Brooklyn Dodgers, 78 F. 2d. 397 (1st Cir. 1949). See, also, In Re Pee Wee Reese, 762 F. Supp. 47 (E.D. Pa. 1953).
In the case at bar, there was nothing approaching an imminent threat to the public order. Indeed, the Yankees submitted the Affidavit of one Theo Epstein, an honorary guest in the V.I.P. Box, who has averred: "There was a nice, mellow buzz about the joint." Under these circumstances, in my estimation, the Court has overreached.
The way I see it, Cano was safe and there should only be one out. But I was out-voted by my learned brothers who, notwithstanding their obvious allegiance to the National League, refused to recuse themselves for this dispute.
That's life.
And baseball.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
For Basque, Press "3"
Even before the theory of evolution made discussion of more animal-like human ancestors commonplace, philosophical and scientific speculation casting doubt on the use of early language has been frequent throughout history. Prior to the invention of language, debate about the origin of language itself was raucous and robust. It was also bizarre, and, frankly, surreal given as it occurred prior to the invention of any vehicle for conveying complex and abstract thought. One commentator has referred to it as "Flinstonian." [note 1].
In modern Western Philosophy, for example, speculation by authors such as Thomas Hobbes, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, and Paris Hilton led to the Académie Française declaring the subject off-limits. Indeed, the Académie was so scandalized by some of Hilton's pronouncements about language (or, as the French say, "tongue") that its Board of Governors asked her to change her name to "London." Having fainted with exhaustion and umbrage at the Board's suggestion, she was rushed to the Emergency Room of a hospital in St. Tropez, whereupon a doctor, in a display of Gallic pique, promptly asked her in heavily-accented English to "stick out her language."
The origin of language is of great interest to philosophers because language is such an essential characteristic of human life; plus, it's hard for philosophers (e.g. Paris Hilton) to make a living without it. In classical Greek philosophy, such inquiry was approached by considering the nature of things, in this case "human nature." Others considered the nature of humans, or "thing nature." Aristotle, for example, treated humans as things with reason and language by their intrinsic ("thing") nature, related to their natural propensities to be "political," and dwell either in city-state communities ("Polis")or suburban gated communities ("The Grove at Boynton Beach"). He preferred the latter, as he just loved bantering with the old man in the guardhouse and making a show of announcing his name. "I am Aristotle," he would say with a flourish. "I'm here to see Mr. and Mrs. Great [as in Alexander]. I should be on the list."
Hobbes, followed by John Locke and others, claimed that language is an extension of the "speech" which humans have within themselves, which in a sense takes the classical view that reason is one of the most primary characteristics of thing nature. Hobbes referred often to the "nagging little voices ringing in the ear to such extent that one would like to throttle them and then throw them on a funeral pyre while dancing a jig of exorcism on their grave, except that you can't get at them, like a seed stuck at the back of your teeth, so they must be endured stoically." [note 2] Others have argued the opposite - that reason developed out of the need for more complex communication (human nature).
Rousseau, despite writing before the publication of Darwin's theory of evolution, claimed that there had once been humans who had no language or reason and who developed language first—rather than reason—the development of which he explicitly described as having neither the characteristics of "human nature" nor of "thing nature." He dubbed it: "Nature nature." Darwin, in his unpublished Origin of Specious Arguments, thought this a "fine specimen of duncery."
In more recent times, a theory of mirror neurons has emerged in relation to language. Ramachandran [note 3] has gone so far as to claim that "mirror neurons will do for psychology what DNA did for biology. I'm not kidding!" Ramadan-McDonalds, however, has written that the opposite is true, and vice versa. The Jewish sage known as the Rambam, writing in 13th Century Palestine, pre-saged the debate in his moral light verse riddle: "Mirror, mirror on the wall/Who is neurotic most of all?" The theme was echoed approximately 700 years later by the philosopher Ram Dass (nee, Richard Alpert -- a distant cousin of Herb's) in his definitive: I am a Ramblin' Ram; A Ramblin' Ram am I, which explores the interrelatedness between mirrors, neurons, palindromes, and migraine headaches. [note 4] It has become required reading for many professional athletes, including, especially, the starting lineup of the 2006 St. Louis Rams of the National Football League following an attempt by some in Congress to ram through legislation mandating studies of post-concussion syndrome among players of contact sports.
Mirror neurons are located in the human inferior frontal cortex and superior parietal lobe, and are unique in that they are fired when completing an action and also when witnessing an actor performing the same action. This happens with such frequency that both the National Labor Relations Board and the Screen Actors Guild have convened hearings to determine whether mirror neurons have been systemic victims of union-busting in the brain.
Various studies have proposed a theory of mirror neurons related to language development. [note 5]. No one understands these studies which is, of course, ironic, and is also why the federal government keeps funding them.
Theories on the origin of language and language diffusion have emanated from sources as diverse as the Genesis story of the Tower of Babel to that old saw about mirror neurons. Ever since the first pre-historic cave dweller cried out "errrrshellekrap!" [note 6] after being hit on the head by a falling coconut, language has differentiated humans, and defined them. It is their past, present, and future, and everything in between. Perhaps Marie Curie summed it up best in 1907. When gazing on a test tube full of syllables representing a sample from every then-known language, she exclaimed: "You are my density!" [note 7].
End Notes
Note 1: That commentator is Yours Truly, and the place where I made the reference is the passage you just read. Thanks for coming down here to the end note. It's kinda quiet, and we don't get much visitors around here, so it's always nice when folks can stop in and chat for a spell. Would you like a warm-up on that coffee?
Note 2: Oh, hello again. The usual?
Note 3: Look, if you're not going to order something, ok, fine. But we close in 23 minutes.
Note 4: See, also, Mann, Barry, Goffin, Gerry CBS Records (1961): "Who put the ram In the rama lama ding dong?"
Note 5: The ramifications of this are profound and lucrative, especially for those who study mirror neurons professionally.
Note 6: Posited by G. Rampithicus to mean, roughly, "Jesus H. Christ!" See, Rampithicus, G., Oxford University Press 1999: "errrrshellekrap," Primoris Expletive Homo
Note 7: She was, after all, a chemist, not a linguist.
Notes 8-1,000,000,000,000,000,000 (Reserved).
In modern Western Philosophy, for example, speculation by authors such as Thomas Hobbes, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, and Paris Hilton led to the Académie Française declaring the subject off-limits. Indeed, the Académie was so scandalized by some of Hilton's pronouncements about language (or, as the French say, "tongue") that its Board of Governors asked her to change her name to "London." Having fainted with exhaustion and umbrage at the Board's suggestion, she was rushed to the Emergency Room of a hospital in St. Tropez, whereupon a doctor, in a display of Gallic pique, promptly asked her in heavily-accented English to "stick out her language."
The origin of language is of great interest to philosophers because language is such an essential characteristic of human life; plus, it's hard for philosophers (e.g. Paris Hilton) to make a living without it. In classical Greek philosophy, such inquiry was approached by considering the nature of things, in this case "human nature." Others considered the nature of humans, or "thing nature." Aristotle, for example, treated humans as things with reason and language by their intrinsic ("thing") nature, related to their natural propensities to be "political," and dwell either in city-state communities ("Polis")or suburban gated communities ("The Grove at Boynton Beach"). He preferred the latter, as he just loved bantering with the old man in the guardhouse and making a show of announcing his name. "I am Aristotle," he would say with a flourish. "I'm here to see Mr. and Mrs. Great [as in Alexander]. I should be on the list."
Hobbes, followed by John Locke and others, claimed that language is an extension of the "speech" which humans have within themselves, which in a sense takes the classical view that reason is one of the most primary characteristics of thing nature. Hobbes referred often to the "nagging little voices ringing in the ear to such extent that one would like to throttle them and then throw them on a funeral pyre while dancing a jig of exorcism on their grave, except that you can't get at them, like a seed stuck at the back of your teeth, so they must be endured stoically." [note 2] Others have argued the opposite - that reason developed out of the need for more complex communication (human nature).
Rousseau, despite writing before the publication of Darwin's theory of evolution, claimed that there had once been humans who had no language or reason and who developed language first—rather than reason—the development of which he explicitly described as having neither the characteristics of "human nature" nor of "thing nature." He dubbed it: "Nature nature." Darwin, in his unpublished Origin of Specious Arguments, thought this a "fine specimen of duncery."
In more recent times, a theory of mirror neurons has emerged in relation to language. Ramachandran [note 3] has gone so far as to claim that "mirror neurons will do for psychology what DNA did for biology. I'm not kidding!" Ramadan-McDonalds, however, has written that the opposite is true, and vice versa. The Jewish sage known as the Rambam, writing in 13th Century Palestine, pre-saged the debate in his moral light verse riddle: "Mirror, mirror on the wall/Who is neurotic most of all?" The theme was echoed approximately 700 years later by the philosopher Ram Dass (nee, Richard Alpert -- a distant cousin of Herb's) in his definitive: I am a Ramblin' Ram; A Ramblin' Ram am I, which explores the interrelatedness between mirrors, neurons, palindromes, and migraine headaches. [note 4] It has become required reading for many professional athletes, including, especially, the starting lineup of the 2006 St. Louis Rams of the National Football League following an attempt by some in Congress to ram through legislation mandating studies of post-concussion syndrome among players of contact sports.
Mirror neurons are located in the human inferior frontal cortex and superior parietal lobe, and are unique in that they are fired when completing an action and also when witnessing an actor performing the same action. This happens with such frequency that both the National Labor Relations Board and the Screen Actors Guild have convened hearings to determine whether mirror neurons have been systemic victims of union-busting in the brain.
Various studies have proposed a theory of mirror neurons related to language development. [note 5]. No one understands these studies which is, of course, ironic, and is also why the federal government keeps funding them.
Theories on the origin of language and language diffusion have emanated from sources as diverse as the Genesis story of the Tower of Babel to that old saw about mirror neurons. Ever since the first pre-historic cave dweller cried out "errrrshellekrap!" [note 6] after being hit on the head by a falling coconut, language has differentiated humans, and defined them. It is their past, present, and future, and everything in between. Perhaps Marie Curie summed it up best in 1907. When gazing on a test tube full of syllables representing a sample from every then-known language, she exclaimed: "You are my density!" [note 7].
End Notes
Note 1: That commentator is Yours Truly, and the place where I made the reference is the passage you just read. Thanks for coming down here to the end note. It's kinda quiet, and we don't get much visitors around here, so it's always nice when folks can stop in and chat for a spell. Would you like a warm-up on that coffee?
Note 2: Oh, hello again. The usual?
Note 3: Look, if you're not going to order something, ok, fine. But we close in 23 minutes.
Note 4: See, also, Mann, Barry, Goffin, Gerry CBS Records (1961): "Who put the ram In the rama lama ding dong?"
Note 5: The ramifications of this are profound and lucrative, especially for those who study mirror neurons professionally.
Note 6: Posited by G. Rampithicus to mean, roughly, "Jesus H. Christ!" See, Rampithicus, G., Oxford University Press 1999: "errrrshellekrap," Primoris Expletive Homo
Note 7: She was, after all, a chemist, not a linguist.
Notes 8-1,000,000,000,000,000,000 (Reserved).
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I'm Not an Actor, But I Play One on T.V.
It is said that the body heals itself during sleep, so I got a good night's sleep and woke up fully rested. A few days later, my body sent me a bill for seven thousand dollars. I thought this was a bit extreme, and I called my HMO to complain, but you know what they say: insurance is the privelege of paying premiums for a very long time to find out in the end why you're not covered for something. My doctor said that he could have given me a sleeping pill for half the cost. Plus, his magazines are better. Like all before death experiences, it's difficult to discuss, so I mostly don't. I wonder how they deal with this sort of thing in Denmark.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
A Page from The President's Diary for Friday, October 9
Executive Mansion, Washington D.C.
6:00 am:
Bobby Gibbs woke me up with a phone call: "Good morning, Mr. President. I've just taken a call from Oslo. The report is that you've won the Nobel Peace Prize." Hard to describe the race of emotions going through my head at that moment. I had been in the middle of a very pleasant dream about plans for a film version of "The Audacity of Hope." Denzel was going to play me; Beyonce was going to play Michelle -- maybe Spike was going to direct. I like Spike, but he is a little hard-edged. Frankly, I think Spielberg would be more sympathetic. And we could definitely get Oprah and Streisand to co-produce. It's true, I'd rather sleep late, and Gibbs' voice is kind of grating, but the Nobel Prize is the Nobel Prize. "Why me?" I asked my press secretary. "Was I even in office before the cut-off for this year's nominations?" Gibbs assured me that I had been in office 2 weeks as of the cut-off date. "They based this on my first two weeks in office?" I asked. "The reports are that you offered the world Hope, Mr. President, and that's why they gave it to you," he replied. 'God!' I thought. 'O'Reilley's going to have a field day with this. That's it. No Fox News tonight.'
7:00 am -- The Situation Room
Gates drones on about the situation in Afghanistan. Then Hillary pipes up about yet another bombing in Pakistan (didn't I send her to China? What is she doing here?). Then Mitchell starts in with "Netanyahu this" and "Abbas that," and blah blah blah. Nobody says a word about the Prize. I keep dropping little hints like: "That's a noble piece of an egg McMuffin you have there, Robert. Is that what they're serving in the Treasury cafeteria these days?" and "Well, we've got to keep our eyes on the PRIZE on this health care bill." and "Should we serve Swedish meatballs at the state dinner for the Saudi king?" But nothing. Not a nibble. Gibbs really dropped the ball on this one. I mean, do I really have to break it to my own cabinet? That's so lame. What's the point of having a press secretary if I have to toot my own horn?
9:00 am -- The Oval Office
Michelle drops by to announce that I need a new suit -- there's no way I'm going to the awards ceremony in an old suit, she says. I thought she kvelled when I won the White House, but she was really kvelling now. "Kvelling" is a good word. David Axlerod taught me that one. David's a good egg. 45 minutes later, Michelle is still kvelling about the prize, and she keeps waving her arms around pointedly. She has great biceps. Maybe Maureen Dowd will write another op-ed about them. Maureen's very smart. Who could I fix her up with?
11:00 am
The news is generally out and the calls start pouring in from all the usual suspects. Gordy Brown is gracious as usual, but that Scottish accent is unreal. It's like I'm talking to Sean Connery -- I mean, it's like James Bond is congratulating me for winning the Nobel Prize. But the call from Al Gore really gets my goat. In the space of about 4 minutes, he casually mentions the Oscars a dozen times. Ok, Al, I get it -- you won the Nobel PLUS an Oscar. You really think you're better than me? I mean: (A) you were never President and (B) You were out of office what -- 6 years by the time you got your prize? He's so pathetic.
11:30 am -- Rose Garden
Medal ceremony for some Boy Scouts. Not a single Boy Scout asks me about the prize. I know they're just children, but still, why didn't Gibbs brief them? Is he on some kind of power trip?
12:30 pm -- White House Kitchen
Nice quiet lunch with Henry Louis Gates. He's got this wild theory that I won the prize because I successfully mediated at the Beer Summit. Henry's a smart guy -- Harvard -- sure, but he is a little nuts if we're being honest.
2:45 pm -- Oval Office
Rahm Emanuel has his clipboard at the ready and he's reeling off the list of Congressional leaders who are with us and those who are against us on this prize thing. He's so serious. He needs to lighten up sometimes. I try to change the subject by remarking about how many prize winners have been Jewish, but Rahm has a one-track mind. I guess that's why he's such a great chief of staff. He tells me that the House Minority leader is holding a press conference and is opining that I didn't deserve to win the prize -- that it was all political. Rahm says he is going to send this guy a dead fish. I say nothing; I don't have to. Rahm knows that's an executive green light.
3:30 pm -- The Situation Room
Gates has some fresh news about the Taliban. He pronounces it "Tal-ih-ban." It's "Tolly-bahn," I tell him, but he will have none of it. "No sir, Mr. President," he says. "It's Tal-ih-ban. You're the only one who says Tolly-bahn. No one around here has the guts to tell you." There is an awkward silence. Finally, Gates says, "Nice job on that Prize thing, Mr. President." It feels a little forced. I'm sure that Gibbs coached him.
4:00 pm -- Air Force One
Quick trip to Detroit to address a U.A.W. rally. One of the speakers introduces me as, "The President of the United States AND Nobel Laureate." The crowd eats this up and goes nuts. It's pretty cute.
6:45 pm -- The White House Dining Room
Back home for dinner with Michelle and the girls. I'm kinda pooped, but Michelle starts in with how the U.A.W. speech was on all the networks and my suit looked a little tired and this is why I absolutely must have a new suit for the Prize awards ceremony. She won't let up. Then she starts a new project. I absolutely have to get a tie that will stand out -- something that the world has never seen before -- maybe something that lights up or talks. "Nobody's going to remember your speech at the Nobels," she says, "but if you do it right, nobody will forget your tie." How can I argue with this?
8:00 pm -- Private Quarters
I promised myself I wouldn't watch the O'Reilly Factor, and yet I just couldn't resist "Talking Points." Of course there were plenty of snide comments about the Prize, etc., as I knew there would be. But I'm not as thin-skinned as they say. I'm really not. I can take it. And I love it when O'Reilly tears into Barney Frank. Frank gets all flustered and then O'Reilly cuts him off. It's a hoot. I like Barney, and there's no disputing that Barney's one of the smartest, if not the smartest, members of Congress, but, ahem...he hasn't won a certain little prize, has he?
10:45 pm
I take a call from General Petraeous who has some updates about Iraq. I ask him why he's calling so late and he blames it on the time difference. "Well, it's not such a big time difference between Washington and Oslo," I say. This goes right over his head. Then I say, "They should give a Prize to the guy who invented time zones." it's like I'm talking to a wall. I've really got to have a sit-down with Gibbs.
11:27 pm -- Private Quarters
I googled "Nobel Prize Winners" and scoured the list. Nobody since they started handing them out 100 years ago named Barack or Obama or anything close. Plenty of big names -- ok -- I guess my name isn't exactly in the slouch department, eh? Michelle wants to know what I'm doing on the computer so late. "Research," I say. "Well come to bed," she urges. "you've got that thing in the morning, and I'm having lunch with Maureen Dowd. I wish I could fix her up with somebody." "That's exactly what I was thinking," I said.
6:00 am:
Bobby Gibbs woke me up with a phone call: "Good morning, Mr. President. I've just taken a call from Oslo. The report is that you've won the Nobel Peace Prize." Hard to describe the race of emotions going through my head at that moment. I had been in the middle of a very pleasant dream about plans for a film version of "The Audacity of Hope." Denzel was going to play me; Beyonce was going to play Michelle -- maybe Spike was going to direct. I like Spike, but he is a little hard-edged. Frankly, I think Spielberg would be more sympathetic. And we could definitely get Oprah and Streisand to co-produce. It's true, I'd rather sleep late, and Gibbs' voice is kind of grating, but the Nobel Prize is the Nobel Prize. "Why me?" I asked my press secretary. "Was I even in office before the cut-off for this year's nominations?" Gibbs assured me that I had been in office 2 weeks as of the cut-off date. "They based this on my first two weeks in office?" I asked. "The reports are that you offered the world Hope, Mr. President, and that's why they gave it to you," he replied. 'God!' I thought. 'O'Reilley's going to have a field day with this. That's it. No Fox News tonight.'
7:00 am -- The Situation Room
Gates drones on about the situation in Afghanistan. Then Hillary pipes up about yet another bombing in Pakistan (didn't I send her to China? What is she doing here?). Then Mitchell starts in with "Netanyahu this" and "Abbas that," and blah blah blah. Nobody says a word about the Prize. I keep dropping little hints like: "That's a noble piece of an egg McMuffin you have there, Robert. Is that what they're serving in the Treasury cafeteria these days?" and "Well, we've got to keep our eyes on the PRIZE on this health care bill." and "Should we serve Swedish meatballs at the state dinner for the Saudi king?" But nothing. Not a nibble. Gibbs really dropped the ball on this one. I mean, do I really have to break it to my own cabinet? That's so lame. What's the point of having a press secretary if I have to toot my own horn?
9:00 am -- The Oval Office
Michelle drops by to announce that I need a new suit -- there's no way I'm going to the awards ceremony in an old suit, she says. I thought she kvelled when I won the White House, but she was really kvelling now. "Kvelling" is a good word. David Axlerod taught me that one. David's a good egg. 45 minutes later, Michelle is still kvelling about the prize, and she keeps waving her arms around pointedly. She has great biceps. Maybe Maureen Dowd will write another op-ed about them. Maureen's very smart. Who could I fix her up with?
11:00 am
The news is generally out and the calls start pouring in from all the usual suspects. Gordy Brown is gracious as usual, but that Scottish accent is unreal. It's like I'm talking to Sean Connery -- I mean, it's like James Bond is congratulating me for winning the Nobel Prize. But the call from Al Gore really gets my goat. In the space of about 4 minutes, he casually mentions the Oscars a dozen times. Ok, Al, I get it -- you won the Nobel PLUS an Oscar. You really think you're better than me? I mean: (A) you were never President and (B) You were out of office what -- 6 years by the time you got your prize? He's so pathetic.
11:30 am -- Rose Garden
Medal ceremony for some Boy Scouts. Not a single Boy Scout asks me about the prize. I know they're just children, but still, why didn't Gibbs brief them? Is he on some kind of power trip?
12:30 pm -- White House Kitchen
Nice quiet lunch with Henry Louis Gates. He's got this wild theory that I won the prize because I successfully mediated at the Beer Summit. Henry's a smart guy -- Harvard -- sure, but he is a little nuts if we're being honest.
2:45 pm -- Oval Office
Rahm Emanuel has his clipboard at the ready and he's reeling off the list of Congressional leaders who are with us and those who are against us on this prize thing. He's so serious. He needs to lighten up sometimes. I try to change the subject by remarking about how many prize winners have been Jewish, but Rahm has a one-track mind. I guess that's why he's such a great chief of staff. He tells me that the House Minority leader is holding a press conference and is opining that I didn't deserve to win the prize -- that it was all political. Rahm says he is going to send this guy a dead fish. I say nothing; I don't have to. Rahm knows that's an executive green light.
3:30 pm -- The Situation Room
Gates has some fresh news about the Taliban. He pronounces it "Tal-ih-ban." It's "Tolly-bahn," I tell him, but he will have none of it. "No sir, Mr. President," he says. "It's Tal-ih-ban. You're the only one who says Tolly-bahn. No one around here has the guts to tell you." There is an awkward silence. Finally, Gates says, "Nice job on that Prize thing, Mr. President." It feels a little forced. I'm sure that Gibbs coached him.
4:00 pm -- Air Force One
Quick trip to Detroit to address a U.A.W. rally. One of the speakers introduces me as, "The President of the United States AND Nobel Laureate." The crowd eats this up and goes nuts. It's pretty cute.
6:45 pm -- The White House Dining Room
Back home for dinner with Michelle and the girls. I'm kinda pooped, but Michelle starts in with how the U.A.W. speech was on all the networks and my suit looked a little tired and this is why I absolutely must have a new suit for the Prize awards ceremony. She won't let up. Then she starts a new project. I absolutely have to get a tie that will stand out -- something that the world has never seen before -- maybe something that lights up or talks. "Nobody's going to remember your speech at the Nobels," she says, "but if you do it right, nobody will forget your tie." How can I argue with this?
8:00 pm -- Private Quarters
I promised myself I wouldn't watch the O'Reilly Factor, and yet I just couldn't resist "Talking Points." Of course there were plenty of snide comments about the Prize, etc., as I knew there would be. But I'm not as thin-skinned as they say. I'm really not. I can take it. And I love it when O'Reilly tears into Barney Frank. Frank gets all flustered and then O'Reilly cuts him off. It's a hoot. I like Barney, and there's no disputing that Barney's one of the smartest, if not the smartest, members of Congress, but, ahem...he hasn't won a certain little prize, has he?
10:45 pm
I take a call from General Petraeous who has some updates about Iraq. I ask him why he's calling so late and he blames it on the time difference. "Well, it's not such a big time difference between Washington and Oslo," I say. This goes right over his head. Then I say, "They should give a Prize to the guy who invented time zones." it's like I'm talking to a wall. I've really got to have a sit-down with Gibbs.
11:27 pm -- Private Quarters
I googled "Nobel Prize Winners" and scoured the list. Nobody since they started handing them out 100 years ago named Barack or Obama or anything close. Plenty of big names -- ok -- I guess my name isn't exactly in the slouch department, eh? Michelle wants to know what I'm doing on the computer so late. "Research," I say. "Well come to bed," she urges. "you've got that thing in the morning, and I'm having lunch with Maureen Dowd. I wish I could fix her up with somebody." "That's exactly what I was thinking," I said.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Now We Can Finally Do Something About E.O.
Do you suffer from erectile over exuberance? you're not alone. Millions of men and 13 year-old boys have experienced some form of E.O. Don't be embarrassed. Now there's Down-Boy-Rx. A mix of cod liver oil, Castor oil, and fine, sweet crude, Down-Boy-Rx has been proven to "get it down and keep it down."(TM). So whenever you're not in the mood, or if you're in the mood, but you don't want the mood to last too long, Down-Boy-Rx gives you the freedom to not be in the mood on your own schedule. Each bottle of Down-Boy-Rx comes with a label featuring a daguerreotype of Queen Victoria brushing her teeth. Down-Boy-Rx is not for everyone. You should talk to your doctor before starting a regimen of Down-Boy-Rx. In some instances, Down-Boy-Rx has been known to cause prolonged retching and other not-so-pleasant synonyms for essentially the same thing. You should check with your doctor to determine if it's safe or sensible to refrain from sexual activity. Down-Boy-Rx should not be taken by women who are nursing or pregnant or may become pregnant. In fact, Down-Boy-Rx should not be taken by women at all. If you are a woman and you have a hankering to take a swig of Down-Boy-Rx, you have much more serious problems than wanting to refrain from sexual activity -- trust us. In rare instances, the ingestion of Down-Boy-Rx has been reported to have been something of a bummer at parties. So what are you waiting for? You've got a lot of living left to do, E.O. is the last thing you need to worry about. Do something about your E.O. problem today. Talk to your doctor about Down-Boy-Rx. And while you're at it, see if he'll validate your parking ticket. Down-Boy-Rx. A product of Hummina Hummina, part of the Ithinkimgonnabesick family of companies.
"get it down and keep it down." is a trademark of Hummina Hummina.
"get it down and keep it down." is a trademark of Hummina Hummina.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Domain Names of the Rich and Famous
NobodyReallyKnowsHowToGovernAnymore.gov
TheBusinessOfAmericaIsBuisiness.biz
InterstateCommerceIsTheBestKindOfCommerce.com
Canada.us
OrganizationOfSuperWealthyNonprofits.org
ImTheOnlyOneLeftWithoutARealityTVShow.tv
NothinButNet.net
HigherEducationIsTheFastLaneToDebt.edu
BuggerPretensiousYanksWhoSay"SpotOn".uk
FactsAreStupidThings.info
TheManWithNoName.name
IamHeAsYouAreHeAsYouAreMe.me
CanYouHearMeNowCanYouHearMeNow.mobi
PeaceIsPatrioticButWarIsSuchArush.mil
WhatATwistedWebWeWeave.web
URLiThoughtYouWereiButNoURL.com
TheBusinessOfAmericaIsBuisiness.biz
InterstateCommerceIsTheBestKindOfCommerce.com
Canada.us
OrganizationOfSuperWealthyNonprofits.org
ImTheOnlyOneLeftWithoutARealityTVShow.tv
NothinButNet.net
HigherEducationIsTheFastLaneToDebt.edu
BuggerPretensiousYanksWhoSay"SpotOn".uk
FactsAreStupidThings.info
TheManWithNoName.name
IamHeAsYouAreHeAsYouAreMe.me
CanYouHearMeNowCanYouHearMeNow.mobi
PeaceIsPatrioticButWarIsSuchArush.mil
WhatATwistedWebWeWeave.web
URLiThoughtYouWereiButNoURL.com
A Few Excerpts from the Apocryphal Book of BBB
1: And an angel trying a little too hard to get his wings spake unto Benjamin ben Benjamin (Ben ben Ben), saying,
2: Speak unto the children of The Valley of the Bubbahim, and say unto them, I am an angel trying a little too hard to get his wings, an authorized representative of on High.
3: After the doings of the land of that other place which shall remain nameless, wherein ye dwelt, shall ye not do: and after the doings of the land of another place which does, in fact, have a name, but it escapes me at the moment, whither I bring you, shall ye not do: neither shall ye walk in their ordinances.
4: Ye shall do my judgments, and keep mine ordinances, to walk therein: I am an angel trying a little too hard to get his wings, an authorized representative of on High.
5: Ye shall therefore keep my statutes, and my judgments: which if a man do, he shall live in them: I am an angel trying a little too hard to get his wings.
6: Six years thou shalt sow thy field, and six years thou shalt prune thy vineyard, and gather in the fruit thereof;
7: I'm supposed to say that the seventh year shall be a sabbath of rest unto the land, except that six years of sowing the field and six years of pruning actually equals 12 years, which explaineth why the Lunar calendar never aligns well.
8: And the sabbath of the land shall be meat for you; for thee, and for thy servant, and for thy maid, and for thy hired servant, and for thy stranger that sojourneth with thee, but that's it. Nobody else is getting any meat.
9: And thou shalt number seven sabbaths of years unto thee, seven times seven years; and the space of the seven sabbaths of years shall be unto thee forty and nine ...hold it -- "7 unto thee.. 7 x 7 years, move the decimal one place and carry the sabbath...dum, dum, dum...Yeah, that's right -- 49 years.
10: And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof: it shall be a jubile unto you; and ye shall return every man unto his possession, and ye shall return every man unto his family, and also any ovedue library books which ye have been hoarding shall ye return, although after 50 years, ye should be able to take advantage of a little amnesty, no?
11: For it is the jubile; it shall be holy unto you: ye shall eat the increase thereof out of the field (everybody else, of course, will be eating meat, but what the hey?)
12: And another thing: Notwithstanding the cities of the Levites, and the houses of the cities of their possession, may the Levites redeem at any time. And if a man purchase of the Levites, then the house that was sold, and the city of his possession, shall go out in the year of jubile: for the houses of the cities of the Levites are their possession among you folks. But the field of the suburbs of their cities may not be sold; for it is their perpetual possession, unless, of course, they build a light rail line, in which case, of course, all bets are off.
13 BTW, have I mentioned that I am an angel trying a little too hard to get his wings, an authorized representative of on High?
2: Speak unto the children of The Valley of the Bubbahim, and say unto them, I am an angel trying a little too hard to get his wings, an authorized representative of on High.
3: After the doings of the land of that other place which shall remain nameless, wherein ye dwelt, shall ye not do: and after the doings of the land of another place which does, in fact, have a name, but it escapes me at the moment, whither I bring you, shall ye not do: neither shall ye walk in their ordinances.
4: Ye shall do my judgments, and keep mine ordinances, to walk therein: I am an angel trying a little too hard to get his wings, an authorized representative of on High.
5: Ye shall therefore keep my statutes, and my judgments: which if a man do, he shall live in them: I am an angel trying a little too hard to get his wings.
6: Six years thou shalt sow thy field, and six years thou shalt prune thy vineyard, and gather in the fruit thereof;
7: I'm supposed to say that the seventh year shall be a sabbath of rest unto the land, except that six years of sowing the field and six years of pruning actually equals 12 years, which explaineth why the Lunar calendar never aligns well.
8: And the sabbath of the land shall be meat for you; for thee, and for thy servant, and for thy maid, and for thy hired servant, and for thy stranger that sojourneth with thee, but that's it. Nobody else is getting any meat.
9: And thou shalt number seven sabbaths of years unto thee, seven times seven years; and the space of the seven sabbaths of years shall be unto thee forty and nine ...hold it -- "7 unto thee.. 7 x 7 years, move the decimal one place and carry the sabbath...dum, dum, dum...Yeah, that's right -- 49 years.
10: And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof: it shall be a jubile unto you; and ye shall return every man unto his possession, and ye shall return every man unto his family, and also any ovedue library books which ye have been hoarding shall ye return, although after 50 years, ye should be able to take advantage of a little amnesty, no?
11: For it is the jubile; it shall be holy unto you: ye shall eat the increase thereof out of the field (everybody else, of course, will be eating meat, but what the hey?)
12: And another thing: Notwithstanding the cities of the Levites, and the houses of the cities of their possession, may the Levites redeem at any time. And if a man purchase of the Levites, then the house that was sold, and the city of his possession, shall go out in the year of jubile: for the houses of the cities of the Levites are their possession among you folks. But the field of the suburbs of their cities may not be sold; for it is their perpetual possession, unless, of course, they build a light rail line, in which case, of course, all bets are off.
13 BTW, have I mentioned that I am an angel trying a little too hard to get his wings, an authorized representative of on High?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Can I Get a Little Crossword Help?
DOWN
[3] Yiddish for “nuts” -- 11 letters
[5] What Lear became in the end -- 4 letters
[7] Where Mo got kicked by Curly – 4 letters
[9] Plural of punch line of Almond Joy advertising slogan: “Sometimes you feel like “a…” _______ -- 4 letters
[11] General McAuliffe’s wacky response to Rommel during WWII campaign in North Africa – 4 letters
[13] What the New York Times isn’t about most of the movies it reviews except for the ones with yellow subtitles that are really hard to read about 70% of the time – 4 letters.
[15] A 3-hour course that will teach you all you will need to know about how to pass the Bar and practice law, because it covers everything from soup to _______ -- 4 letters.
[17] A 3-hour course that will teach you all you will need to know about how to pass the Bar and practice law, because it covers all the ________ and bolts -- 4 letters.
[19] A tasty treat for breakfast – or for any other meal at any time of day, or the middle of the night, or for eating on elevators, or while sitting through a green light with a huge line of traffic behind you, created when dough is added to these – 4 letters.
[21] What we would have to eat if we were squirrels and we couldn’t get into Le Cirque – 4 letters.
[23] What isn’t on the menu at Le Cirque – 4 letters.
[25] What hysterical stand-up comics always complain about airlines giving away too little of in knee-slapping routines – 4 letters.
[27] Tony Soprano’s lieutenant , Paulie Wal___ [hint: it’s not “marts”] – 4 letters.
[29] Déclassé Retailer who offers “Always low prices,” Wal-_____ -- 4 letters.
ACROSS
[2] The ablative plural of a medieval Latin word which can be translated as "the state of being able to achieve honours" mentioned by Shakespeare’s Costard – 26 letters.
[3] Yiddish for “nuts” -- 11 letters
[5] What Lear became in the end -- 4 letters
[7] Where Mo got kicked by Curly – 4 letters
[9] Plural of punch line of Almond Joy advertising slogan: “Sometimes you feel like “a…” _______ -- 4 letters
[11] General McAuliffe’s wacky response to Rommel during WWII campaign in North Africa – 4 letters
[13] What the New York Times isn’t about most of the movies it reviews except for the ones with yellow subtitles that are really hard to read about 70% of the time – 4 letters.
[15] A 3-hour course that will teach you all you will need to know about how to pass the Bar and practice law, because it covers everything from soup to _______ -- 4 letters.
[17] A 3-hour course that will teach you all you will need to know about how to pass the Bar and practice law, because it covers all the ________ and bolts -- 4 letters.
[19] A tasty treat for breakfast – or for any other meal at any time of day, or the middle of the night, or for eating on elevators, or while sitting through a green light with a huge line of traffic behind you, created when dough is added to these – 4 letters.
[21] What we would have to eat if we were squirrels and we couldn’t get into Le Cirque – 4 letters.
[23] What isn’t on the menu at Le Cirque – 4 letters.
[25] What hysterical stand-up comics always complain about airlines giving away too little of in knee-slapping routines – 4 letters.
[27] Tony Soprano’s lieutenant , Paulie Wal___ [hint: it’s not “marts”] – 4 letters.
[29] Déclassé Retailer who offers “Always low prices,” Wal-_____ -- 4 letters.
ACROSS
[2] The ablative plural of a medieval Latin word which can be translated as "the state of being able to achieve honours" mentioned by Shakespeare’s Costard – 26 letters.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
The Brussel Sprouts Ballot Initiative
QUESTION 2: Law Proposed by Initiative Petition
Possession of Brussel Sprouts
Do you approve or disapprove of a law summarized below?
SUMMARY
As required by law, summaries are written by the State Attorney General, and the statements describing the effect of a "yes" or "no" vote are written jointly by the State Attorney General and the Secretary of the Commonwealth.
This proposed law would impose criminal penalties for possession of one ounce or less of Brussel Sprouts and require the offense to be recorded in the state's criminal record information system. First-time Offenders age 18 or older would be subject to forfeiture of the Brussel Sprouts plus a fine of $1,000 and a year in state prison. The fines would be increased for slightly moist Brussel Sprouts carried in a concealed tupperware for at least 24 hours. Recidivists would be required to wear the scarlett letters "B.S." emblazoned on their garments.
Offenders under the age of 18...
...as if.
The money received from the penalties would go to a statewide program to eradicate Brussel Sprouts.
WHAT YOUR VOTE WILL DO
A YES VOTE would send a lot of sanctimonious vegetarian blowhards to jail.
A NO VOTE would make no change in state criminal laws concerning possession of Brussel Sprouts.
ARGUMENTS
As provided by law, the 150-word (give or take) arguments are written by proponents and opponents of each question, and reflect their opinions.
IN FAVOR: A YES vote means arrest, jail, loss of student loans, bankruptcy, scandal, and ruin for possession of an ounce or less of Brussel Sprouts. Question 2 would create a permanent record (CORI) and barriers to housing and employment. Police would be empowered to arrest a projected 7,500 people annually for Brussel Sprouts possession. All other Brussel Sprouts-related crimes, like sales or DUIOBS (Driving Under the Influence of Brussel Sprouts), remain untouched. Question 2 would send to the Big House any person foolish enough to keep leftover, smelly Brussel Sprouts in their Own House, and worse, to foist them on the public, by bringing them on airplanes and libraries. Eleven other jurisdictions have similar laws (though, admittedly, not in the free world) and have shown a marked increase in morale. Let the punishment fit the crime. Vote "YES" on Question 2.
Authored by:
Bronto Tsuris, Campaign Manager
Committee for Sensible Brussel Sprouts Policy
P.O. Box M
Boston, MA 02113
www.sensibleBrussel Sproutspolicy.org
AGAINST: Brussel Sprouts criminalization is a moronic idea, and sends the wrong message to young people. What's next, the criminalization of Absinthe? Foi Gras? Our state law already requires our judges to dismiss charges and seal records of first-time offenders. Criminalization will encourage bootlegging and poses a threat to public health and safety. For one thing, concealing Brussel Sprouts in bootlegs is dangerous. What is a bootleg, anyway? I know what a boot is. I know what a leg is. Put them together, and what do you got? I dunno. Same thing with a peppercorn. Has anyone ever actually seen one? You always read about them in fairy tales but have you ever seen them at the supermarket? I haven't. Are they in the pepper aisle or the corn aisle -- or what? Same thing with curds and tuffets. What the hell?
Authored by:
Jolie Green-Giant
President, Hyphenates Association
1 Blue-White Place, Suite 202
Boston, MA 02114
www.hyph-en-ates.biz-org-com-ours-mine-and-yours
Possession of Brussel Sprouts
Do you approve or disapprove of a law summarized below?
SUMMARY
As required by law, summaries are written by the State Attorney General, and the statements describing the effect of a "yes" or "no" vote are written jointly by the State Attorney General and the Secretary of the Commonwealth.
This proposed law would impose criminal penalties for possession of one ounce or less of Brussel Sprouts and require the offense to be recorded in the state's criminal record information system. First-time Offenders age 18 or older would be subject to forfeiture of the Brussel Sprouts plus a fine of $1,000 and a year in state prison. The fines would be increased for slightly moist Brussel Sprouts carried in a concealed tupperware for at least 24 hours. Recidivists would be required to wear the scarlett letters "B.S." emblazoned on their garments.
Offenders under the age of 18...
...as if.
The money received from the penalties would go to a statewide program to eradicate Brussel Sprouts.
WHAT YOUR VOTE WILL DO
A YES VOTE would send a lot of sanctimonious vegetarian blowhards to jail.
A NO VOTE would make no change in state criminal laws concerning possession of Brussel Sprouts.
ARGUMENTS
As provided by law, the 150-word (give or take) arguments are written by proponents and opponents of each question, and reflect their opinions.
IN FAVOR: A YES vote means arrest, jail, loss of student loans, bankruptcy, scandal, and ruin for possession of an ounce or less of Brussel Sprouts. Question 2 would create a permanent record (CORI) and barriers to housing and employment. Police would be empowered to arrest a projected 7,500 people annually for Brussel Sprouts possession. All other Brussel Sprouts-related crimes, like sales or DUIOBS (Driving Under the Influence of Brussel Sprouts), remain untouched. Question 2 would send to the Big House any person foolish enough to keep leftover, smelly Brussel Sprouts in their Own House, and worse, to foist them on the public, by bringing them on airplanes and libraries. Eleven other jurisdictions have similar laws (though, admittedly, not in the free world) and have shown a marked increase in morale. Let the punishment fit the crime. Vote "YES" on Question 2.
Authored by:
Bronto Tsuris, Campaign Manager
Committee for Sensible Brussel Sprouts Policy
P.O. Box M
Boston, MA 02113
www.sensibleBrussel Sproutspolicy.org
AGAINST: Brussel Sprouts criminalization is a moronic idea, and sends the wrong message to young people. What's next, the criminalization of Absinthe? Foi Gras? Our state law already requires our judges to dismiss charges and seal records of first-time offenders. Criminalization will encourage bootlegging and poses a threat to public health and safety. For one thing, concealing Brussel Sprouts in bootlegs is dangerous. What is a bootleg, anyway? I know what a boot is. I know what a leg is. Put them together, and what do you got? I dunno. Same thing with a peppercorn. Has anyone ever actually seen one? You always read about them in fairy tales but have you ever seen them at the supermarket? I haven't. Are they in the pepper aisle or the corn aisle -- or what? Same thing with curds and tuffets. What the hell?
Authored by:
Jolie Green-Giant
President, Hyphenates Association
1 Blue-White Place, Suite 202
Boston, MA 02114
www.hyph-en-ates.biz-org-com-ours-mine-and-yours
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