CAPITOL HILL POLICE BLOTTER

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NO. 2743

ENTERED IN THE UNITED STATES CONGRESSIONAL RECORD

9:23 A.M. - Capitol Hill Police responded to a report of "Edvard Munch-like existentialist screaming" in House conference room H-1409 in the Rayburn Building. Upon investigation, it was determined that the noise was coming from a hearing on bipartisainship chaired jointly by House Democrats and Republicans. A warning was issued.

9:42 A.M. - Capitol Hill Police responded to  reports of  "an intruder or intruders uknown" in the Longworth Building hearing room of the House sub-committee looking into the recent security breach at a White House state dinner by a couple attempting to qualify for a television game show.  The "intruder" turned out to be a small dog brought to the hearing by a committee member. A warning was issued.

10:19 a.m. - Police were called to the senate office of Senator Mary Landrieu after receiving complaints that someone posing as a telephone repairman had offered to "purchase the State of Louisiana if the senator would change her position on national healthcare." Police found no one in the office except for a weasel, which was escorted to the Capitol steps and issued a warning.

10:29 a.m. - Police and firefighters responded to a complaint of a carbon monoxide detector activation in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. It was found
that a cat had knocked down an exhaust pipe going to the chimney, causing the building to register high CO readings. The windows were opened for ventilation. The cat was taken into custody, as this was found to be its third violation this month.  It was released with a warning.

10:53 a.m - Capitol Hill Police responded to a call that a "journalist was seen exiting a vehicle on the front drive and walking toward Pennsylvania Avenue in a peculiar post-racial  manner." Upon arrival at the scene, police determined that the suspect was a news anchor from MSNBC. After displaying his credetinals to police, he issued them a warning.  

11:02 a.m. - Police and firefighters responded to a complaint of a carbon monoxide detector activation in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. Nothing was found, but an officer reported seeing "a tail disappear into a vent."

11:15 a.m. - Reports of a "theft of the people's money" sent Capitol Hill Police to a hearing room in the Cannon House Office Building where a conference of the House Banking Committee had convened. Police found committee members chasing a canary around the room with a broom, trying to capture it or shut it up. Police attempted to secure the scene, but the bird escaped through a window that had been left open for ventilation due to high CO readings.  

12:03 p.m. - Police responded to the Capitol Cafeteria after reports that an altercation had broken out between a Supreme Court justice and a resident of the White House. Police found nothing unusual.  A few minutes later, police were called back to the scene amid reports that a Supreme Court justice was "irate" that a vending machine malfunction resulted in the failure to dispense a Little Debbie® cake. The justice was screaming that he would sue the McKee Foods Corporation (which makes Little Debbie® cakes) for negligence and false advertising and that he was going to "investigate all the political candidates that McKee was contributing to and make sure that they were cut off." A cashier told the justice to "simmer down" or he would get sued for defamation and interfering with McKee's First Amendment rights. The justice explained that he couldn't use the Supreme Court cafeteria, he had to use the Capitol cafeteria because they (the Supreme Court cafeteria)  didn't sell Little Debbie® cakes. A warning was issued.

12:43 p.m. - Police were summoned to the Capitol lawn where a man was seen swatting a canary or some kind of small bird that was supposedly attacking him. Upon arrival at the scene, police found a MSNBC reporter trying to strangle a bird. The police offered assistance, but the bird escaped and was seen flying in the direction of the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building.  

1:19 p.m. - A theft of a shoe was reported in a conference room of the Ford Building. Police responded and discovered that someone had thrown a shoe at a visiting Iraqi trade delegation member when he was at the podium giving a speech. Witnesses said the female suspect looked like a Congressional page who ran off with the shoe, which was described as "a size 6 Prada, black." Police secured the area with yellow tape but found nothing.

2:43 p.m. - A man wearing a tri-cornered hat entered the Capitol Hill Gift Shop and "wanted to know where all the tea was at." When he was told that the gift shop did not sell tea, he began screaming: "No taxation without representation!  In fact no taxation at all!" Police responded and asked him to remove his hat while indoors. He complied and then purchased a Little Debbie® cake, paying the 5.75% sales tax pursuant to DC Code Citation: Title 47, Chapters 20 and 22.

3:27 p.m. - Police were called to assist a visiting Boy Scout troop from Iowa that was trying to protect a small bird in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building that had apparently flown in there from the front lawn. A cat was said to be threatening the bird, but when police arrived, there was no sign of the cat.  While there, the police noted that the CO levels seemed unusually high. Additional windows were opened for ventilation.

4:53 p.m. - Police investigated a report of a "shadowy figure" entering the Hart Senate Office Building. A woman was found skulking in the corridor.  She was asked for some identification.  When she opened her jacket to reach for her wallet,  a size 6 black Prada shoe fell to the floor. The woman ran off in the direction of the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building.  Police secured the area and took the shoe into custody.  

5:32: p.m. - An anonymous caller claimed that she was holding the House Minority leader's tan hostage until he agreed "to the public option or something." Police located the House Minority leader who said that he was unaware of any threats to his tan.  After investigation, police determined that it had been a prank call.

6:18 p.m. - Police responded to the parking garage beneath the Hall of the States following reports of some kind of a drag race. Skid marks were found leading to a car with Alaska plates.  The vehicle apparently had been abandoned.

7:46 p.m. Police investigated reports of a pick-up basketball game in the Senate Gym where elbows were allegedly being thrown. Arriving at the scene, police found a resident of the White House playing pick-up basketball with a senator (reportedly from Massachusetts). The officer on the scene took names and addresses and filed a report.

8:22 p.m. - Police responded to the office of the House Minority leader who telephoned to say that someone had just delivered a dead fish to his office. Upon arrival at the scene, police encountered the House Minority leader who showed them a dead fish sitting on his desk wrapped in the Washington Post. No note was attached to the fish, but it had been wrapped in an article about the public option. An officer thought he heard a cat prowling in the hall, but found nothing. Police secured the scene and took photos.

9:15 p.m. - Representatives from the House Banking Committee were seen sprinting down the corridor in the Cannon Office Building. Police on the scene determined that they (the Banking Committee members) were being chased by a gang of reporters. Police escorted the House Banking Committee members to a private,  secure undisclosed location so that they could complete their work without interference from the public. A warning was issued to the reporters.    

10:23 p.m. A call came in from the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building about some kind of "contretemps" involving a cat, a bird, and a small dog. The officer who took the call didn't know what "contretemps" meant so no action was taken.  A few minutes later, the caller called back and said there was some kind of a "crazy animal fight" going on in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. Officers were dispatched to the scene where they found a news anchor from MSNBC who said everything was under control. The officers noted that all the windows had been left open despite the fact that it was 3 degrees outside.    

11: 48 p.m. Police responded to reports of an intruder in the Capitol cafeteria after hours. Upon arrival at the scene, officers found a Supreme Court Justice evidently talking to a vending machine. The justice was issued a warning and escorted back to the Supreme Court.  He was also handed a schedule of the hours of the Capitol cafeteria.

HONK IF YOU LIKE HONKING TO RECALL 8 BLOG POSTS

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Citing a faulty accelerator, poor syntax, and "sketchy" humor, Honk if You Like Honking has announced that it is recalling 8 blog posts. The blog posts affected by this recall are:

Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum, Here, There and Everywhere

Here Comes Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum

There Goes Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum

The Return of Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum

A Very "Brady" Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum

The Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum "White Albumn"

Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum's Calvacade of Stars (to benefit destitute bloggers)

and

Lichtenstein -- Little Big Man of West Central Europe.

No other blog posts will be affected by this recall.

Readers of the above-referenced posts can return them to Toyota and receive a credit towards the purchase of another blog post of equal or lesser mediocrity.

The EditorS of Honk if You Like Honking apologize (to Toyota) for any inconvenience.

______________________________

Rest in peace, J.D. Salinger

zikhrono livrakha     זיכרונה לברכה


May his memory be for a blessing

So You Want to Be Tax-Exempt

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(Please answer all that apply and all that don't)

How do you plan to qualify for 501(c)(3) tax-exempt status?

    I plan to form a cult.

Describe the principal activities of your organization.

    Brainwashing. Soliciting money under false pretenses. Affixing to windshields flyers cleverly designed to look like parking tickets.

Do you plan to solicit donations?

    Not exactly.

If you answered no to the preceding question, how do you plan to raise funds?

    Well, much like a bank, I plan to raise interest rates arbitrarily and to rake in late fees, overdraft fees, transaction fees, incoming wire fees, "convenience fees,"  and fees for using other cults, etc.  Also, bake sales.

What services to you plan to provide?

See answer to the preceding question.   

Will you have physical office-space?

What do you mean "physical?" I have one of those thingys that you squeeze to keep your knuckles flexible.  Is that what you're talking about?

How will you advertise your services?

Flyers on windshields.  Haven't you been listening to a thing I said?

How many employees do you expect to have during the next 12 months?

Employees?  You mean like "volunteers?" If you call them "volunteers," then, lawfully, you don't have to pay them, do you?

Do you expect to have employees for whom you will make withholdings?

Oh yes.  I plan to withhold from all of them.

Do you expect to solicit goods or services from outside the United States?

Only from Lichtenstein.  But that's practically like the 51st state, c'mon.

Will your organization engage in wagering?

You mean like playing the stock market with social security funds? Or making such an enormous volume of sub-prime loans that Iceland goes bankrupt? Or inventing "credit default swaps?" No nothing like that.  OK.  Maybe a little Bingo now and again.

Will your organization be affiliated with an organized religion?

Define "organized."

Is there anything else you would like the IRS to consider in ruling on your application for tax-exempt status?

" I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents..."

-- James Madison

Now James Madison was a very great man.  In fact, he practically wrote the entire Constitution by himself.  With a crappy quill pen.  Plus, he was on the $5,000 bill.  $5,000! Can you imagine if Yip Harburg were on the $5,000 bill?  He would have written: "Buddy, Can You Spare $5,000?" And who walks around with that kind of change?

Oh please, please, please make me tax-exempt, Dear IRS.

You won't regret it.

I'm trying to create good cult jobs right here in America.

  If you don't make me tax-exempt, I'll have to relocate to the Caymen Islands, taking all my "volunteers" with me.

That's all I'm saying.    

COMMON RECURRING DREAMS AND THEIR MEANINGS

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1.  Teeth Fall Out While on Stage Playing Chess Nude  Against The New England Patriots Cheerleaders

This dream is sometimes referred to as the "Opening Gambit" dream, because in certain versions, the cheerleaders open with the famous Albin Countergambit, where (3. dxe5 d4) in exchange for the gambit pawn. Black has a central wedge at d4 and gets some chances for an attack. Often White will try to return the pawn at an appropriate moment in order to gain a positional advantage. In the most common version, the cheerleaders have White begin the fight for the center by staking a claim to the d5 square from the wing, in approved hypermodern style. Thus, the appearance of the cheerleaders is a clear reference to the so-called "English Opening."

2.    Dreamer, Holding a Cocked Pistol,  Receives a Telegram from Mr. Leacock While Viewing a Private Performance of the Pussycat Dolls Singing "What's New Pussycat?" Dressed as "Pussy Galore" from the Bond Film "Goldfinger"
This is a subconscious illusion of literary grandeur. "Mr. Leacock" is clearly a reference to Stephen Leacock, a late 19th Century and early 20th Century Canadian humorist who is said to have been more famous than Canada itself in his day.  He influenced the likes of Ring Lardner and Groucho Marx. The appearances of "Pussy" and "Pussycat" represent the volume called "Nonsense Drolleries" by Edward Lear, whose short piece, "The Owl & The Pussy-Cat," must have been familiar to Leacock. 

3.    President Barack Obama Misses His Connecting Flight, and Air Force One Leaves Without Him, So He Walks Across Lake Michigan to Keep His Appointment with 12 Advisers, Including Paul Volker, for  an Important Meeting at the Peter Peterson Institute for International Economics.
Obama used to live in Chicago, so it's not surprising that Lake Michigan would show up. This is an anxiety dream about the abysmal state of service on most major American airlines. The dream's message is that for trips of 500 miles or fewer, it is probably better to drive, but a one-way rental should be considered.

4.    Deceased Relatives Come Over for Dinner and Complain About the Choice of Beverages

This is another anxiety dream.  It usually means that the household liquor cabinet is looking a tad threadbare.

5,    30,000 U.S. Troops Deploy to Afghanistan. Despite The Troops' Heroic Efforts, The Taliban Get Their Hands on a Nuclear Weapon Triggering a World-Wide Conflict.  In the Midst of the Chaos, the Library Delivers a Reminder of Overdue Books.
Again, an anxiety dream whose meaning is fairly obvious. In "night terror" versions, the notice is actually a threat of suspension of borrowing privileges.

6,    Dreamer Has a Conversation With a Talking Donkey and a Dead Fish Who Vow to "Avenge" the Results of the Massachusetts Special Senate Election.
Yet another anxiety dream. This time about the failure to pay attention to the "sell-by" dates of perishable supermarket items.

7.    Dreamer, Naked in the Subway, Waits for a "D" Train That Never Comes.
This dream is about the MBTA train schedule.

8.    Dreamer Goes back in Time and Meets the Chinese Classical Poet, Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum

This is a dream about the importance of peanuts to the economy of the ante-bellum South. It's usually harmless and can be staved off with a glass of warm milk.

9. Dreamer Travels to Outer Space With a Spirit Guide and Views All the Planets in the Solar System (Except Pluto) Aligned and is Then Shown All the Ages of Human Civilization, and Is Then Given All the Answers to the Great Cosmic Questions, and is Filled With a Sense of Indescribable Well-Being and Serenity.
This is a variation of the MBTA train schedule dream.

YOUR HOROSCOPE

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Aries

The lunar eclipse on the 15th falling at 10 degrees Cancer could bring about a desultory spell.  (Don't pretend you know what the word means -- look it up). You will definitely run out of toothpaste and paper towels around the 27th. Your attempts to slide by for a few days on baking soda and coffee filters will fool no one but yourself. These changes in the availability of hygiene items will be ones that you may feel you're being forced to accept. This comes as a result of the current position of Saturn and Pluto. Stay practical and focus on what you can change and don't worry about what you can't. Or, on the other hand, drop everything and invest in a short jaunt to Walgreens.



Taurus

Don't be sad that your sun sign shares it name with a station wagon. One day, you'll be able to move into 5th gear.  One day. For the moment, you're in neutral and the hazard lights are on. This can be frustrating for the Taurus who likes to dodge sluggish pedestrians in the crosswalk while flipping them the bird. Yes, it's humiliating.  But roadside assistance is on the way. (Your reference number is A-423678 and is yours to keep!).  In the meantime, you will have a number of documents to sign some time between the 1st and the 31st. In no event should you sign these papers in your sleep.  Wait until the 18th or 19th to be safe.


Gemini

Your sister, brother, or cousin may be the subject of enormous news this month. Or perhaps your aunt or uncle or drycleaner.  And quite possibly, the person who wears a government-issued uniform and delivers your neighbor's mail to you and yours to your neighbor on a nearly religious timetable. So keep your cell phone powered up, as you never know!  As a matter of fact, be sure not to lose your cell phone, and keep several spare chargers in your house, your car, your office and the gym (but not in the sauna, as this can be harmful to the charger). Write your name, address, and phone number on everything you own, and you will be  fortunate to get back all the items that you have forgotten in taxis, especially with Mars in retrograde.

Cancer

In the next days, weeks, months, years, and decades, you will almost definitely experience some changes and meet someone.  Don't know where.  Don't know when. But you'll meet someone one sunny day.  You may get engaged or married or separated on a trial basis or just pretend to be in a drunken moment at a cocktail party. You won't recall this event. With all the planets filling your seventh house, it will feel like you don't have a place to store your things. Don't worry. When you run out of wheat thins and gin and tonic, they'll move on.


Leo

Saturn will be in hard angle to Pluto making it nearly impossible to parallel park this month, but there will be spaces available in the lot across the street, especially on the 9th and 23rd. The 4th, 7th, and 13th will be the worst days for parking, because, even though there will be plenty of people sitting in their cars with the engine running, they're not pulling out any time soon.  They're just sitting there for no reason just to spite you, because there are 7 minutes left on the meter. Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will move into Pisces on the 17th, and if you take the subway today, you're sure to get a seat. The porch light on your eighth house is out, by the way.




Virgo

Big news! On the 12th, there will be a knock at the door.  Answer it. A group of people wearing yellow jackets and holding balloons will be there to greet you.  You have definitely won a prize!  Either a new car, a weekend getaway, or a month's supply of birdseed. Prizes may vary, but everyone who participates will win! (Employees and each of their respective affiliated companies, and advertising and promotional agencies, and the immediate family members of, and any persons domiciled with, any such employees are not eligible to enter or to win. Sponsor reserves the right to disqualify persons found tampering with or otherwise abusing the smoke alarm in the 7th house, as solely determined by Sponsor. In the event of a compromise by a virus, non-authorized human intervention, tampering or other causes beyond the reasonable control of Sponsor, Sponsor reserves the right in its sole discretion to suspend, modify or withdraw the prize).

Libra

Although you may find yourself in the throes of  frisbees this month, several planets - particularly Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Mercury, Earth, Mars, Uranus, Venus, Neptune, and Pluto - will be on your side and help you succeed in ways that may astound you.   Wait a minute!  Pluto isn't a planet any more, is it?  It was for about 70 years.  Then they kicked it out.  Then they said maybe it could come back. But first it had to reapply.  How insulting!  And another thing -- eggs. First they're good.  Then they're bad.  Then they're good again, or at least harmless.  Butter? Same. Try keeping up. You can't. 

Scorpio

As a Scorpio in the months to come, you will increasingly find yourself to be in the right place at the right time. As long as you are in the right place at the right time, you will have numerous opportunities for an upgrade from a mid-sized to a full-sized, provided you agree to pre-pay the gas. If you are offered an upgrade on the 15th, pass on it, as Pluto will be in retrograde, and an upgrade during a retrograde on-again/off again planet (see above) could spell disaster: D-I-Z-A-S-T-U-R, which is an odd way to spell it.

Sagittarius
You are not the least bit materialistic. If you could live off photosynthesis and love, you surely would. You care less about wealth than just about anything else. Now, however, you will have to think about money just a little bit. This is because of a manifestation of Saturn in the third house, and the aspect you had over the last 3 years. More to the point, it has to do with all the stuff you purchased over the last 3 years with the stuff that makes the world go round:
A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound
A buck or a pound
A buck or a pound
Is all that makes the world go around,
That clinking clanking sound
Can make the world go 'round..
You may get a raise, new job, or freelance assignment that allows you to earn more:
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money  money.
It Makes the world go round.
Also, Venus will send a lovely beam to the eclipse, with Ursa Major shinin' like a big spoon or spatula, or ladle, or something.

Capricorn

You are entering a period when there is nothing to watch on T.V. In years past, this might have been remedied with "Sweeps Week" or the new fall lineup, but with the explosion of cheaply-produced knock-offs of crap on cable, this world is no more. There is a show about Pluto on channel 2 that repeats on channel 44 that's pretty good. Here's the thing about it though. In grade school, we all learned mnemonic devices to remember the order of the planets like: "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas." Now that they've kicked Pluto out, it doesn't work. It's worthless:  My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine_______________.  Nine what?  It doesn't make any sense.  They definitely need to bring Pluto back because it's throwing everything off.
Plus there are some aspects in your Saturn that makes your Mars tilt to the left, and so on.

Aquarius

When the moon is in the 7th house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, love will steer the stars, and you will find your keys.  Did you check your shoes? Your shoes.  No not your shirt, your shoes! Crazy?  No, not really.  There's a big hole in your right coat pocket where you usually put your keys and when you hung up your coat, they probably slipped out and into your...what's that? They ARE there?  See?  I told you. You never listen to me. The next time, instead of arguing, why don't you just listen in the first place and you could probably avoid a whole lot of nonsense.  You want me to fix you a snack? 

Pisces

You are only moments away from the moment when Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will enter Pisces and crown you the celestial favorite.  As a result, you will plant many seeds, climb many mountains, ford many streams, follow many rainbows. You can't do this barefoot.  You will need a good pair of shoes with weatherproofing and insulation.   Ever think about Pluto-brand shoes?  They're really good.
Crafted in premium nubuck leather and constructed to be sturdy and waterproof, Pluto-brand shoes are rugged and dependable:
* Direct-attach, seam-sealed waterproof construction keep feet dry in any weather
    * Padded collar for a comfortable fit around the ankle and help keep out debris
    * Durable laces hardware for long-lasting wear
    * Moisture wicking textile lining
    Buy several pairs, as Pluto-brand shoes are being discontinued.

Born Today:  If you were born today and you already know how to read, you're definitely on the fast track to success.  Most people born today don't even know how to open their eyes yet. You're way ahead of the pack.  Nice going!

Relaxing Yoga Techniques For The Busy Professional

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Lying on your back, close your eyes and bring your knees to your chest.  Try not to think about your account being overdrawn all week, and feel the stress melt away.

Now stretch out your left leg and point your toes towards the ceiling.  As you do so, remember that the car mechanic needs to eat, too, and if, as is likely, he overcharged you for the alternator, it will hopefully even out in the end.

Sit in a comfortable posture with an erect spine, preferably in a specific yoga posture such as the padmasana or the Lotus posture. Pay no attention to the scene playing over and over in your mind's eye of you screwing up royally at work today and your boss hauling you in on the carpet.

Energize the breath through pranayama. Resist the urge to obsess about the impending IRS audit. For everything there is a time and a place. Your time will surely come.

Hold a visualization for a few minutes to clear the sensory field and focus the mind internally. (The city affixing a "boot" to your car as a result of your scofflaw status while you are lying on the floor on a mat in a room full of strangers is a good example of one to avoid).

Repeat an affirmation or prayer to increase positive thought power. For example, you might chant: "Everybody else is having more fun than I will ever have in this and every other life I will ever live.  I accept and embrace my suffering. Suffering nurtures the soul and prevents me from wasting my time getting paid obscene amounts of money to party at the Playboy Mansion, hang out with beautiful naked chicks in the hot tub, and play Beatles (TM) Rock Band (TM) all the time."

Repeat a mantra such as "OM" or "Ohm" or "OMG!" or "LOL" or "One Hundred and Seven" to still the mind. Ideally one should repeat a mantra at least 108 times before the meditation. Some find that an effective mantra involves calculating the bottomless National Debt on a kind of mental clock, like the one they sometimes have on the Jumbotron in Times. Square.  The National Debt goes up by about a million dollars a second, so this exercise will keep your mind sharp and alert.

Silently observe the mind and let it empty itself out, not unlike the way that your 401k has been emptied out in the past year. As you do so, avert your gaze from the discolored blotch on your wrist that suddenly and mysteriously appeared for the first time last week.

Depending on one`s natural temperament, it would help to try and establish contact with a Higher Consciousness through the natural movement of one`s heart. Your attempted contact is very important to the Higher Consciousness who is busy comforting others at the moment. Your patience is appreciated. All entreaties to the Higher Consciousness will be responded to in the order in which they are received.

You may now go forth refreshed and at peace.

Poll: If the Election Were Held Today, Honk if You Like Honking Would Defeat a Dead Person

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PRINCETON, NJ -- After peaking at 59% last November,  Honk if You Like Honking's favorable rating continues to fluctuate and now stands at 42% with a margin of error of 58 points. That barely exceeds its 40% unfavorable rating (among the Kurds and the football fans billing themselves as "cheesheads [but, sadly, not "curds"]), and is easily its worst evaluation since the 2008 Democratic National Convention when it was shunned by the Democrats, the Republicans, the Socialists, and the Amish, alike.

Honk if You Like Honking's fluctuating popularity is not unique. President Obama's favorable rating (against which Honk if You Like Honking's rating is measured to make Honk if You Like Honking feel like a tiny grasshopper that even a Buddhist monk wouldn't lose any sleep over sitting on) has declined as well, though it has taken a slightly different trajectory than Honk if You Like Honking's. Polls demonstrate consistently, for example, that President Obama's name recognition quotient remains at historically high levels on every continent (plus the fake continent of Australia), whereas Honk if You Like Honking's name recognition quotient barely extends beyond the patio.

Below is a map of the Honk if You Like Honking name recognition quotient:





























                                                                          X    [you are here]









These data are based on the latest USA/TodayLichtenstein/Tomorrow/Gallup/Giddeyup poll, conducted by James Levine, music director of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, who evidently doesn't know how to conduct a poll, but probably is good at conducting something -- maybe electricity. Honk if You Like Honking's favorable rating has dropped by five or six points each of the last three times Gallup/Giddeyup has updated it, and seems to remain stable when people are left alone.

The source of the decline has varied over time. Honk if You Like Honking's favorable rating dropped significantly among people who read, but it has  remained popular among those who have never heard of it, a steady 73%, which, perhaps is a comment on the veracity of responses given to pollsters who call during broadacasts of "Mad Men."


Survey Methods

Results are based on cell phone interviews with 2.5 national adults (whose phones' batteries, predictably, were about to gasp their last breath at the inception of the interview) . The data from the sample are mushed together, weighted down with heavy stones demographically, and left to dry in the sun for 3 weeks before being released to the public. For results based on the total sample (i.e., 2.5 adults), one can say with 95% confidence that the maximum margin of sampling error is ±99 percentage points. Thus, the data are of virtually no statistical significance.  They do, as it turns out, though, make a very fine Cabernet.

In addition to sampling error, question wording and practical difficulties in conducting surveys can introduce error or bias into the findings of public opinion polls.  For the reported poll, respondents were asked the following question:  "As between getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick and reading Honk if You Like Honking, which would you prefer?"

Election Eve

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RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRinggggggggggg

Hello?

Mr. Suh-linger?

Excuse me?

Is this Steff Suh-linger?

Close enough.  Who's this?

I'm Calling from the Friends of Martha Coakley Committee to get out the vote for tomorrow's special election to fill the seat for the late Edward Kennedy. Can we count on your vote tomorrow?

You want me to vote for the Friends of Martha Coakley Committee?
Sir, we're hoping we can count on your vote for Martha Coakley.  It's critical that the Democrats retain a 60-seat majority in the senate.

So critical that you have to call during dinner?  We're having liver and onions.

I'm sorry, Mr. Suh-linger.  Should I call back?

Well, you could call back while I'm brushing my teeth, but it probably wouldn't do any good.  Just out of curiosity, why is the Friends of Martha Coakley Committee calling me from Utah?  I thought this was a Massachusetts election.
It's of national importance, sir.  In fact, there has never been so much at stake.

That's what they say every year.  The stakes just keep getting higher. Pretty soon, I won't be able to afford the ante.
Can we count on you to vote, sir?

Sure, sure.  How many times would you like me to vote?
Ha, ha. Just once, sir.

Well, I could vote once as Steff Suh-linger, and once as Seth Salinger, and for good measure, I could also vote as Seth Rogen, or something.
Thank you for your time, sir.

Not at all. Thank you for your time.  Now we're even.
Have a nice evening, sir.

Don't mind if I do.  Why, they're delicious! Have you tried one of these yourself?
Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye, old friend.

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 RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRinggggggggggg

Hello?

Good Evening, Sir.  I'm calling on behalf of Independents for Scott Brown, Republican for U.S. Senate.

Ahh, yes.  I just spoke to your cohort from Salt Lake City not more than a fortnight ago.  In fact, it was a lot less than a fortnight -- it wasn't even a sentry post night.
I see that you're a registered Democrat.

Where? where?  I don't see it.

But you can vote for any party you want in the general election.  And we hope you will consider voting for the true independent in this race -- Scott Brown.  Can we count on your vote?

Well if you can't count on my vote, what can you count on? Nothing gets out the stain like my vote and Oxy-Clean.  These are troubled times we live in and the stakes for this election have never been higher.
Sir, that's exactly what I was going to say.

By the way, ol chap, how's the weather there in sunny California where you appear to be calling me from, 3000 miles away from the polls?
It's fine, sir. This election is of national importance.

Well, here in Massachusetts where the election is actually happening, we got about 3 inches of wet, glazed snow. Heavy as concrete. Almost had a heart attack trying to shovel it.  Then the City plow comes along and pushes it all back in the foot of the driveway.  It's not right, I tell you.  I hope Scott Brown will go to the Congress to give the plow operaters what for.
I'm sure he will, sir.  You have a good night.

I'm full already, but you try one.  They're really good. Sort of like half moons.
Goodnight, sir.

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Hello?

Hello.  I'm calling from the Campaign to Elect Joe Kennedy to fill the seat of the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy.

What did you say your candidate's name was?

Kennedy.

Hmmm.  Catchy name.  And what party is he with?
The Tea Party.

Well, running on the Massachusetts ticket of the Tea Party is probably no picnic.  It's not going to be a cakewalk. The farthest thing from "easy as pie."  No piece of cake for the Tea Party.
No, sir.

That was a joke.  Lighten up.

Oh, yes sir.  Very funny.

And where are you calling me from this fine evening?
Texas, sir.

Of course.  Because, let me guess, this is an election of national importance, the stakes have never been higher, and every vote counts.
Actually, sir, yes.

If I promise to vote for your candidate, will you tell me how the remote works?
I...just wanted to remind you to vote.

Ok, I'll vote.  Kennedy. Odd name.  Imagine, running for political office in Massachusetts with a name like that.  I wonder if it's ever been done before.
Sir, I hope you have a good night.

Don't get me started.
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Hello?
This is president Bill Clinton urging you to vote on Tuesday, January 19 for Democrat Martha Coakley to fill the seat of the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy.  With President Obama's health care agenda on the line, this is a critical election of national importance.  The stakes have never been higher.

President Clinton, is that really you?
So please remember to vote for Democrat, Martha Coakley. The fate of the nation depends on it.

Are you there, Mr. President?
Thank you for your time.

Hello?  Hello?
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RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRinggggggggggg
Hello?
Hi, Sir.  It's Verizon Wireless calling to invite you to renew your contract and receive the first 30 days free plus an upgrade to a new phone.

Is it a matter of national importance?
Well, not really sir.

Ok, sign me up. 

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

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630 million years BCE -- The first significant "January thaw." Thankfully, no record of insufferable dinosaurs wearing a Bermuda shorts/black socks combo and doing stretches in public while wearing headphones, even though it wasn't that warm.

180,000 BCE - The first known conversation -- primarily, monosyllabic, uninspired, and inane, pretty much as it is today.

14,300  BCE - Beginning a 16,000-year run, the first joke:    "I migrated on foot all the way from sub-Saharan Africa to the Steppes and all I got were these lousy peanuts."  Then, as now, it brought down the house.

14,299 BCE - The first re-run. Predictably, a joke about peanuts -- or the lack thereof. 

13,745 BCE - The first dog is domesticated in a yurt in what is now Mongolia.  Almost as if on cue, he does his business on the rug the next day. As of this post, the evidence is almost undetectable.

5,100  BCE - The Maya, with their Long Count cycle calendar, predict that the world will end on December 21, 2012.  They also predict that "A Chorus Line" will be a big flop. So...

5,000 BCE - The Nubians invent astronomy,  but realizing that it's too damn cold to hang around outside at night, they soon lose interest, go inside, and sit around telling variations of peanut jokes.

4,723 BCE -- First archeological find in Mesopotamia, but nobody will take the discipline seriously for another 6,000 years, because, back then, nothing found in the dirt was all that old, and, frankly, looked a lot like the stuff that was already in the kitchen.

3,023 BCE - Methuselah begins to collect social security.  900 years later, the system is nearly bankrupt.  Thanks a lot, Methuselah!

713 BCE -- January is discovered by the semi-mythical successor of Romulus, King Numa Pompilius (together with February), allowing the calendar to equal a standard lunar year (355 days). Prior to this time, no Washington Birthday sales.

143 CE -- Paper makes a big splash in China. But until the first crude paper clips are fashioned out of wattle and daub centuries later, it proves largely to be a big pain in the ass.

129 BCE - The first fortune cookie fortune: "No man is an island, but some men are a peninsula -- lucky numbers 3, 6, 14, 33, 47."

13 CE -- Jesus is bar mitzvahed. His haftarah is entitled: "Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child." 

500 CE -- Paper, now over 600 years old, is really piling up.  But with no clips, staples, shredders, or 3-ring binders, the problem just keeps getting worse. The ribbon-makers are happy, though.

501 CE -- First paper airplane tested at Kitty Hawk, Scotland, about 3,200 miles of the coast of North Carolina. Maiden flight distance: 9 feet -- a record for the time.

1490 CE -- The Japanese, attempting to curb the monstrous surfeit of paper, invent origami.  They fail to solve the problem.

1503 CE -- Leonardo da Vinci, in a spasm of inspiration, suddenly and simultaneously, thinks up the lightbulb, acid jazz, and the Internet, but distracted by his obsession with the "Mona Lisa,"  abandons and then forgets about these "inventions."

1698 CE -- The Danish composer, Dieterich Buxtehude pens the popular song "Caroline," which will go on to become the theme of the Boston Red Sox for reasons known only to the gods.  Some people, erroneously, credit Neil Diamond with the composition, but, no, it was Buxtehude.

1784 - A chief of the Semminole Nation instructs a Spanish soldier how to perfect 3-minute popcorn, but with no on-demand available, the significance of the instruction is lost on the Spaniard.

1871 - The Boston Blush & Rouge baseball club is formed, and quickly changes its name to the much more manly "Red Stockings."

1886 - At the dedication of the Statue of Liberty, New Yorkers, thinking they have figured out how to get rid of excess paper, hold the first ticker-tape parade.  Nice try.

1902 - The Great Paper Shortage of "Aught Two" is exposed as a hoax...in a newspaper.

1919 -- Charles Pyramid devises a fraudulent investment scheme.  It doesn't take. Carlo Ponzi thinks of the same thing a year later, and his becomes much more popular. (Charles Dickens wrote about it in "Little Dorrit," in 1857 -- years before Ponzi and Pyramid were born, but "Dorrit Scheme" just sounds ridiculous).

1930 --  Father Bertrand Gore wakes up from a months-long coma, picks up a New York Times that has been lying about the hospital room since November 24, the year before, and reads the following headline:

PARK SEEKS CAUSE OF COLDER WINTERS; Old Treatise Predicts That Ice Age Will Return to Northern Hemisphere in 10,000 Years.

1939 -  Edged out by "The Wizard of Oz" and "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," among others, the now- forgotten film, "A Day in the Life of Pincus Ming Mandelbaum" fails to garner a single Academy Award nomination.  

1945 - Little Harry Reid uses the term "Negro" in a first grade book report in the little town of Searchlight , Nevada. He receives plaudits for his progressiveness and forward thinking, as he would 65 years later when, as Speaker of the House, using the term to describe a presidential candidate

1991 -  Rosie's Bakery rolls out a new medley of confections called "Operation Dessert Storm."  By sheer coincidence, the White House rolls out a program of its own on the same day with a nearly identical name.

2006 - The 900 bezillionth piece of paper since time began is cut

2010 - "Return to Cranford" airs on WGBH TV.



Birthdays --


1976 --    Trisha Stillwell, Miss USA-Oklahoma, 1997,

1960 --    Sade, Helen Ady, Nigeria, Grammy winning singer

1933     Susan Sontag (Rosenblatt), author

1929  Allard Lowenstein, founder - Students for Democratic Action

1930     Norman Podhoretz, author/editor

1912     Nigel Dennis, British Writer

1911     Jay Hanna "Dizzy" Dean, pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals

1908     Ethel Merman,  actress

1885     Wladyslaw Raczkiewicz, Polish president, 1939-40 (the Not-too-Fun years)

1749     Vittorio Alfieri, Italian Dramatist

1697     Richard Savage, poet

3088 BCE  Methuselah

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Honk if You Like Honking Fans, Please Consider a Haitian Earthquake Relief Fund:

http://ajws.org/

http://mazon.org/

http://www.accion.org/

http://www.redcross.org/

http://www.jewishjustice.org/

Something to Read While Waiting for Your Order

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BROTHER DELI


THE COMPLETE STORY ON YOUR PLACEMAT

"I Wish I Had a Knish"

"Free Coffee Refills at No Extra Charge"

'Twas back in 1962
On a day in October when the sky was blue
That Barry settled in this part of the earth
In which good delis there was a dearth
Words were things that Barry did not mince
He said "Who (around here) do you have to scht*p to get a blintz?"
He looked high and he looked low
But for a good nosh he had no place to go

To his wife Rose he said "I know what do to!"
He said it back on that October day when the sky was blue
I'll start a deli of my own
And Rose said: "It will be OUR own"
And so Barry and Rose got down to work
And opened the joint without going beserk

At first it was called Barry and Rose's Deli -- as that was their name.
Soon their delicious meals brought them fame
Especially the kreplach but also the kugel
Rose said: "Barry, nothing rhymes with kugel."

Over the years, out (of Rose) popped 3 boys
They had usual boy things like measles and toys
There was Manny, Max, and Joe and no more
Soon the boys were working in the store.

In 1986 the deli expanded
To Joe the keys Barry handed
Saying "you are the oldest so you take over"
While Rose and I run for cover"
But Rose and Barry while in Boca found
That they could keep an eye on things from the background

Soon Manny brought in the other two, you see
And the deli was run by the Brothers three
In 1987 they changed the name to "Brothers Deli"
Because they were brothers and they ran a deli
For a while, things went along just fine
To get in here, you had to wait on line

Then one day in '96 on the stove some cholent was stewing
Max saw something fishy and said to Max "What are you doing?"
For Max was cooking more than food, don't you know
Books are not for cooking; Max said: "Manny, you will have to go."

Max and Joe were now in charge
For extra cups of coffee they did not charge
And they found this was a recipe for success
Said Max: "Coffee's free here, they can pay to fress."

One day in '04 Max came home and saw
His girlfriend and Joe together in the raw
And after that the writing was on the wall and the shelf
Max would run the place by himself.

It wasn't too hard to remove an S from the name
So "Brothers" Deli became "Brother Deli" --not too lame.
Then,after the TARP-rescued bank called the loan
It looked like there may be no more deli to own
But Brother Deli is still here while the bank has failed
Their greed was their coffin that got nailed
Over the years some things have changed in the store
Nobody orders kishke anymore
And the halvah doesn't move as fast as it used to
But you can still get something free -- fresh brew!

So that's the story of our little restaurant
Where you can get almost anything you want
Rose and Barry have moved to that big deli in the sky
where there is no shortage of cheesecake and apple pie
Manny served a little time and now manages a fund
Now he eats in places where you have to wear a cumerbund
While some relationships can use some tweaking
Max and Joe are no longer speaking

It all began in 1962
Back on that October day when the sky was blue
Brother Deli here to serve, have no fear
Please tip your server, but pay the cashier.

ARE PANTS REALLY NECESSARY?

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    At 9:42:02 a.m. on January 6, Baby X (we'll call him Max, although his name is Frederick.  Sometimes we'll call him Baby X.  Sometimes we just won't mention him), was born.  At that precise moment, Baby X became the youngest person never to have sailed around the world solo, or to have scaled Mount Everest, or to have worn pants.  Baby X held this record for 0.000000000.18 of a second. After that, he became just another has-been in the world of youngest record-holders. As Baby X soon learned, there's always somebody at hand to snatch away the prize.  Glory is short-lived.  What  does any of this have to do with the title of this piece? Virtually nothing.

    Some people, of course, have to wear pants.  Farmers should wear pants most of the time. So should windowashers. Traffic cops are better off with pants, as are firefighters, mail carriers, and tree surgeons. But for lots of people, pants are superfluous, like a pre-appendicitis appendix.

    Some on the list are obvious, and we've all heard it over and over.  News anchors don't need to wear pants. Even a child knows this. Telemarketers are as annoying with or without pants.  Obvious. Others, however, are not so readily identifiable.

    The chairman of the Federal Reserve has just as much power to alter the prime rate pantless as panted.  Ditto the secretary of the Treasury.  Speaking of power, the guy at NORAD under that mountain in Wyoming whose finger is on the button that could obliterate three fifths of the world and parts of New Jersey could start World War III wearing no pants --stark naked for God's sake!

    Queen Elizabeth surely doesn't need pants.  But, as everybody knows, she wears the pants in Buckingham Palace. Rumors about who wears the pants in the White House are just that -- rumors. The Pope doesn't need pants. The Dalai Lama doesn't need pants. The grand ayatollah don't need no pants.

     The Archbishop of Canterbury doesn't need pants. The Archbishop of Canterbury was under doctor's orders not to eat chocolate. He was almost caught sneaking a Cadbury bar, and tried to hide the evidence in Westminster Abbey by digging a hole and covering it up. He soon discovered that the Archbishop of Canterbury can't bury a Cadbury in Westminster Abbey because the floor is made out of stone. Chaucer is buried there, btw. And whe al knowen wat he I-þank abouten breech.

    Also Voltaire, while we're on the subject of whatever it is in this bizarre stream-of-consciousness rant. "I may not approve of your pants," begins an aphorism widely attributed to him, "but, well... that's it. I just don't approve of your pants."  (This is a lose translation because the French "..." doesn't have a precise meaning.  Sort of like a pause about to give birth.  We don't have a word for it in English.

    Dogs definitely do not need pants even though they do it all the time.

    In some quarters, there is no rule of thumb -- or pants. Evidently, Mickey Mouse needs pants.  Yogi Bear doesn't need pants. Strangely, though, Rupert the Bear does need pants.  And scarves!  He spends a fortune on scarves -- mostly Hermes. Puts even Suha Arafat to shame. 

    Speaking of which, Yassir was said to have been indifferent in regards pants, unlike his Uncle, the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem, Haj Amin el-Husseini, a favorite of the Führer and Adolf Eichman. The Mufti was just wild about pants.

     The people who monitor terrorist cell phone chatter and Internet web sites have concluded that Osama bin Laden (who, like most people who live in a cave)  probably pawned his pants a long time ago.  Nobody at Al Qaeda wears pants any more, and it will be important to adapt new strategies to cope so that we are not caught with our pants down, so to speak.

    And now the government's pants pyramid has been blown out of the water.  The old canard about needing to change pants five times daily turns out to have been nothing but an old duck foisted on an unsuspecting public by an industry hell-bent on market share and mind control. We should have known. Teddy Roosevelt would have called it a breech of trust. (TR knew a thing or two about pants -- and trusts).

    Where does all this leave Baby X at 9:42:02 a.m. on January 6? Out in the cold, I'm afraid. Also the youngest person never to have read this blog. But, as we have seen, that doesn't last long.

The (Fairly) Great Courses From Ye Olde Learning Shoppe

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Do you have 30-60 minutes a day to listen to a CD or download of an audio course? Perhaps while chipping paint from a windowsill, or waiting on line at the Registry of Motor Vehicles to clear up that little misunderstanding about switching license plates, or scouring the basement of the hardware store for non-standard sized washers? (This is some life you lead).

Now that you're an adult, wouldn't you like to give the ol' college try to some subject that you avoided assiduously in high school (or, better yet, college, as that would probably make more sense) because, quite frankly, you couldn't be bothered to get to the campus by the ungodly hour of 10:30 in the morning? With Ye Olde Learning Shoppe, you can become an "expert" on anything [in our curriculum] for an investment of just 30 to 60 minutes per day, and, of course, money.

Our "expert" instructors have been carefully cherry-picked from the remaining pool of professors not already hired away by our competitors. We've assembled a group from so many different schools that you'd have to be 119 places at once or rack up quite a few frequent flyer miles to hear them speak in person, unless you attended only one lecture, in which case, you'd miss the other lectures, but conceivably it would be possible, as you clearly couldn't be 119 places at once. Two, maybe, three if you were an identical twin or triplet and you exchanged notes, but two or three is probably the most you'd get away with because if you tried it with more than two or three, other people (i.e., your classmates or a person or persons unnamed who happen to know you) would almost certainly get suspicious, not to mention --how impractical!

Check out some of our new courses for the upcoming semester. If you order within 30 days, we'll discount each course by up to 60% (except for the courses that have already been discounted by 60%, because otherwise, we'd owe you -- and that would never do). Certificates of completion are also available for certain courses, and we're printing new certificates every week. Ye Olde Learning Shoppe has been in business for many months and is licensed  in over four counties. Below is a sampling of our latest offerings:


The Human Journey

In this course, we ask the most profound questions: Who are we? Where did we come from? Where are we going? And, most important of all: Are we there yet? When are we going to get there? You said we'd be there by now. When are we going to get there?
Instructor: Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum

The Western Cannon

No, this is not a typo. You can study the Western Canon anywhere, and that's a lot of reading, and who has time for that? Not you. that's why you're listening to audio tapes while driving and missing your exit. This is a course about a very large cannon out Texas way (hence -- "western"). At parties, your friends and other people's friends alike will be astounded and amazed when you say "I studied the entire western cannon in just 30-60 minutes." Hint: Don't pronounce the hyphen as it lessens the impact.
Instructor: Kirk Draw McGraw

Ancient Roman Drinks

Ever hear of Ketel I? What about Courvoisier S.P.Q.R.? Romulus et Rossi? No? We didn't think so. These brands no longer exist. But 2000 years ago when the Eternal City was still eternal, not as eternal as it is now, but still pretty eternal, this is how the smart set imbibed. Not only will you learn the names of all these drinks, but, also,  how to mix them and how to order them in a bar -- not that this will do you any good, because no one's heard of these drinks (unless they've taken our course!), but still, it's amusing to see the reaction when you announce: "A side-chariot, barkeep, with a fish sauce chaser!" Too much fun.
Instructor: Toby Inebreate

New Astrological Discoveries

Some of our past students misread the title, assumed this was a course about stars and outer space and planets, etc., and then asked for their money back when they actually heard the lecture. Now all of our courses come with a warning in big bold letters: NO REFUNDS! This is for our protection and yours. But mostly ours.
Instructor: Elvira Newsome, Ph.D.

Odd Numbers

If it weren't for the number 19.99, there would be no infomercials. Thirteen has been proven (mathematically) to be unlucky for analog clocks. And without "approximate 10," there'd likely be no express aisle. These and other oddities are some of the things you will learn in this course about odd numbers. Little or no previous math knowledge required. Regardless, course fee still required.
Instructor:  Sarah Bride

Backyard Archeology

What will we find when we dig up your back yard? Rocks? An old plunger? Lots of dead birds? What were you doing back there, anyway? Oh, well, it doesn't matter. There's a whole eco-system right at your fingertips waiting to be discovered, explored, and -- for persons in certain geographical regions -- exploited for enormous profit. Symbiosis, anyone? (Please note: 33.3 % of all revenues derived as a direct and proximate result of backyard excavation automatically become the property of Ye Olde Learning Shoppe and its partners).
Instructor: Carl "Bat" Masterson

Religions of the Suburbs

This course is part anthropology, part religion, and part suburb. It is taught as a companion to the course: "Malls of the Suburbs."
Instructor: The "Reverend" Michelle Johnston

What People Used to Do Before the Internet and Smart Phones


This is our shortest course. For obvious reasons.
Instructor: Tim Jones



Meet Your Instructors

* Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum teaches Driver's Ed. and Repetitive Questions at the Park Slope Adult Learning Annex. He is an expert driver and has driven in all sorts of conditions with little kids and his mother-in-law in the back seat.

* Kirk Draw McGraw is Director of Cannon Studies at Cannon Military Academy in the Texas Hill Country. He speaks softly, but is usually hanging around a big cannon.

* Toby Inebreate is an instructor at numerous bartender schools on the eastern seaboard and on-line. He has published many pamphlets about drinks and snacks.

* Elvira Newsome is a quantum physicist. She discovered three stars and a planet, and has a galaxy named after her. She has been on the faculty at top universities in the United States and Canada and was nominated for a Nobel prize in a very competitive year.

* Sarah Bride has sold over 13 million underarm firmers on television. Numbers are a passion of hers, especially the ones that have dollar signs in front of them.

* Carl "Bat" Masterson is the owner of "Back Yard Derreks" of Oklahoma City and Riyad. He is on probation from the University of East Waziristan.

* The "Reverend" Michelle Johnston officiates as a lay pastor at various unofficial events. She once worked for Bloomingdales.

* Tim Jones teaches hammer dulcimer at the West suburban YMCA. He can sing "Michael Row Your Boat Ashore" in three languages and is also an accomplished shadow puppeteer.

Recipe: Potatoes Oh My God!

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For this recipe, you will need:

* A peck of thinly sliced potatoes,
* A bushel of thickly sliced potatoes,
* A hundredweight of chastened potatoes,
* A slug of gunpowder
* A tisket of cumin
* A tasket of smelling salts
* A green and yellow basket
* A skosh of something borrowed
* A pinch of something blue
* A half measure of the finest stone-ground meal
* three ephaphs of the finest oil
* a skin of wine
* a quantity of manna (from Heaven --not from Streits or Goodman's or Manischewitz)
* a she-goat
* A ram caught in the thicket
* A village
* A rabbi, a priest, and an imam walking into a bar
* Four archers straight and true
* 16 ounces of Kraft-brand processed American cheese (shredded).


My mother used to make this recipe when told at the last minute that guests were coming to dinner. She learned it from her mother, who learned it from her mother, who probably stole it from a cooking demonstration at the Magyar Shtetl Konyhafőnök-Express, a famous chain of her day, and purveyor of mortars, little gift bags of paprika, and over-priced pepper mills. At the Konyhafőnök-Express, the help all wore aprons, even though the only thing they were doing was wrapping stuff in boxes with tissue paper.

The dish is said to have originated with the Khazars in the 7th century C.E., but oblique references to it in the "Antiquities Recipes of Josephus" (circa the First Century C.E.) suggest that it is in fact, much older. Schlemmer notes that substitutions almost certainly were made in key ingredients from era to era and region to region. "For one thing, there were no potatoes in Josephus' time, as these are indiginous to the Western Hemisphere, and were not introduced to the Middle East and the Mediterranean regions of Europe until centuries after Josephus' death."

Finkle, on the other hand, has remarked: "Who is Schlemmer? I've never heard of him, and vice versa."

"Be that as it may," says Schlemmer, there were no potatoes."

"But the recipes of Josephus Miller are chock-full of potatoes," says Finkle, particularly his "Best Potato Recipes of Grosse Point, Ever."

"I'm talking about Yosef Ben Matityahu (Joseph, son of Matthias) and, after he became a Roman citizen, -- Titus Flavius Josephus -- apologist of priestly and royal ancestry who survived and recorded the destruction of Jerusalem in CE 70," notes Schlemmer.

"Ohhhhhhhhhh. That Josephus," concludes Finkle.

Charlegmane favored POMG at court. So did Pepin the Short and all the other Pepins. Not that this should matter to anybody, because who cares what Pepin thinks, anyway?

Somebody once told me that they knew of a variation on this theme in a cookbook put out by the Sisterhood of Temple Shalom, Y'all in Charleston, South Carolina. But when I leafed through the yellowed and stained pages of the aging tome, I found only the usual suspects, things like: "Jello Hoo Ha!" and "Crumbled Matzah with Collards;" nothing even remotely resembling the subject of this discussion. When I confronted the friend who gave me that Southern cookbook, she said: "just kidding."

The famous dough-boys of World War I were never introduced to this meal, which is not why they were called dough boys. Ditto, the dough boys of World War II, who, incidentally, were never called "dough boys," although their war was called "World."

We can see from the foregoing that, due to variations in local weather conditions and the vagaries of Trader Joe, ingenuity is the hallmark of this dish, as, indeed it is with all cooking a la casa. But for some things, there is no compromise: if you're going to use manna in a can, instead of from Heaven -- just forget it.


Preparation:

Over the Millennia, the actual instructions have been lost, but they involve digging a large pit, and talking to the potatoes sternly to let them know what's what. The role of the priest, the rabbi, and the imam, is somewhat unclear, but it has something to do with skull caps and garlic.