There are 7 billion people on the planet, and not a single one of you can tell me where the other cufflink is?

Scientists claim that there are now 7 billion people on Earth. That’s more than the human population of all the other planets in the solar system – combined! Here’s another amazing fact: if all 7 billion people were citizens of one country, it would be the largest country in the world – hands down. Hard to fathom, but there are actually professionals who get paid big bucks to work these things out.

  Did you know, for example, that if each man, woman, and child all sat down at the same time, the people at the way back might be able to see the screen?  It’s true! But they could never actually test the theory in real-time conditions, because there will always be the clueless who come late – after the credits have rolled – and insist upon making everybody in the seventh row stand up to allow access to the  ninth seat from the aisle. Before you know it, people are popping up left and right, to re-familiarize themselves with the fire exits or buy a second bag of Twizzlers,® as if they are playing characters in an immense game of whack-a-mole.

 It never stops – like the drip, drip, drip of the raindrops, when the summer shower is through. Or, more precisely, like the drip, drip, drip of a certain kind of psychological torture. This is human nature, and is the reason why the ending never makes any sense.

Seven billion people all competing for a finite number of virtual balloons to pop on computer screens present challenges that our grandparents never had to confront.  Not only that, but their student  loans were cheaper.

With seven billion armed with global positioning devices and night vision goggles now roaming around all over the four corners of the world, it’s next to impossible to hide.  Even if you lie on the floor with the lights off not breathing, they will still pound on your door demanding candy or else. “We know you’re in there!” they will yell. “Trick or treat,  you cheap bastard, pretending not to be home! We can see you!”

This is the Fronkenshtein that Malthus warned us about.  This is our brave, new world that has such spoiled little brats in it that they expect everything to just be handed to them.  Get used to it.  And while you’re at it, shove over. And sit down. And stop whispering.   

What are you in for?

The right of proboscides peaceably to assemble shall not be infringed.

(Insurance) Policy of the Cave Bear

This Agreement of Indemnification is made between us (“THE COMPANY”) and you (“you”) in accordance with the terms hereof. 

Basic Coverage

This Policy (hereinafter “This Policy”) covers injuries sustained by you (hereinafter “You”) and Third Parties (hereinafter “Third Parties”) arising from (hereinafter “from”) your negligent acts and (hereinafter “&”) omissions in connection with the performance of your duties and responsibilities as a Paleolithic hunter (hereinafter “Cave Man.”) We will pay to the limit set forth in the coverage selections section for the following events:

Eaten by a bear

Eaten by a lion

Eaten by a wooly mammoth

Eaten by an enormous reptile

Unpleasant consequence arising from the eating of eggplant

Definitions

For purposes of This Policy, the following terms shall have the following meanings:

Nnnng: shall mean and refer to Nnnng and all instances thereof.

∞←↕↖↗⌂:  shall mean exactly what it says, but only when used as a sibilant fricative.

shall mean a contiguous course of profit-taking occurring more than once in a blue moon entitling preferred shareholders to distributions all out of proportion to actual contributions and possibly depleting the availability of cash on hand for actual claimants.

shall mean adverse market conditions beyond the control of the Company resulting in unanticipated losses, which, in turn, may diminish reserves available to pay out any single claim or combination of claims during the Policy period.

    
shall mean the contractual obligation of the Company to honor the terms of a "golden parachute" for an incompetent CEO whose exercise thereof may cause the Company to experience a shortfall, delaying or downsizing the payment of any claim. 

Gerund: We don’t pretend to know what a gerund is and you, likewise, should stop going around so pretending.

Wherever in this Policy the context so requires, the masculine gender shall incorporate the feminine, the singular shall incorporate the plural, and everything in between shall be incorporated and expurgated so as to give us maximum advantage in being exculpated from ("wriggling out of") responsibility to do or pay anything to anyone at any time.

Exclusions

We may decline or delay coverage under any combination of the following circumstances:

(a)    If, while chasing a herd of antelope off a cliff, you fall into a ravine, getting stuck in the permafrost causing you to be transformed into a perfectly preserved mummy, and you fail to notify us within 45,000 years of such event, we may decline coverage. Our denial of coverage under this sub-part (a) is subject to your right to purchase supplemental coverage under Rider Q offsetting such denial, provided further that the discovery of you in your mummified form is made by an archaeologist from Liechtenstein within 30,000 years of the extended notice period and reported to the Company within a reasonable period of time thereafter, but in no event later than 100 years from such discovery.

(b)   You assume all risk of loss if you drag behemoth stones 75 miles from where they are quarried to a different location to assemble them as monoliths for some mysterious religious rite prior to the invention of the wheel.

(c)    If, due to ill-conceived stalking and hunting techniques, you are dispossessed of every material thing that you used to own, except for two sticks, which you subsequently rub together until they ignite singeing the hair on your knuckles, we may decline coverage unless you can produce receipts proving that the sticks were obtained under a warranty of fitness for a particular purpose.

(d)   Cavorting or otherwise associating with Neanderthals will, at our option, void each of our obligations under this Policy. The Policy will be voided even if we pronounce it: NEE-AN-DER-TAHL and you pronounce it:  NEE-AN-DER-THAL.   NEE-AN-DER-TAHL; NEE-AN-DER-THAL; NEE-AN-DER-THAL; NEE-AN-DER-TAHL; let’s call the whole thing off.

(e)    We will not provide coverage for damage caused by falling from trees unless such occurrence is associated with a vestigial primordial dream about falling from trees.

(f)    If you are suspected of creating or contributing to the creation of crop circles or other gigantic representational forms visible to, and understood by, aliens from outer space and nobody else except for you and any member of your immediate household, your benefits under the Policy will be suspended pending an investigation by the Company. During the period of such suspension, the Company shall have no obligation to indemnify you against any loss or occurrence (even under a reservation of rights), regardless of whether such loss or occurrence would otherwise be a covered event under any other section of the Policy. Under no circumstance shall the Company ever have any obligation to go out on a limb (literally) to extend coverage.

(g)   If you are in a rock band (and given the time period of the Policy, what other type of band would you possibly be in?), and, as a consequence, somebody hits you with a rock, we may decline coverage, unless your head is insured separately as part of an umbrella policy.

(h)   Under no circumstance shall the Company have any liability for acts of gods.

(a)    If 

(a

Cancellation

We may cancel the Policy with or without notice to you in any era at any time for any reason, or for no reason, or for a made-up reason, or for reasons which, at first blush, seem pretty legit, but are really just specious arguments gussied up to seem more profound than they actually are, and which are intended, simultaneously, to obfuscate and impress.

Assignment

You may never assign any right under this Policy, including, but not limited to, yourself if you are reincarnated and come back in a more advanced form. We may assign this Policy to whomever we like, including, especially, anybody who bails us out.

Coverage Period

Provided there is no interruption in the payment by you of your premiums, and subject to our rights of cancellation as set forth above, the Policy shall be in effect from the moment the great yellow disc in the sky ceases to be visible between the two Ficus trees growing on the side of the grassy hill to the moment the vast snowy land bridge where the mastodons hang out begins to split apart.

Resolution of Disputes

In the event of any dispute between you and the Company arising from any provision of this Policy, you submit unconditionally to the jurisdiction of three guys sitting around in furs and throwing shells into the dirt. You waive all rights of appeal to have the pattern of the shells interpreted by three other guys, even if the first interpretation is utter nonsense, and nobody understands it.  

WHEREUPON, the parties to this Agreement have signified their acceptance thereof by making imprints in the rapidly-drying mud with their feet.

I KNOW MYSELF SO WELL BY NOW THAT I FIND MYSELF FINISHING MY OWN SENTENCES.

Your "Live Chat" with one of our Help Desk representatives will begin in a few moments. Please stand by.

PMM has signed in.

PMM: Good evening, Sir. my name is Thomas. I am a Help Desk representative, Sir. What is your name, Sir?

HIYLH:  Sir.

PMM:  How are you this evening, Sir?

HIYLH: As well as can be expected.  The neighbor says the rash is nothing and will probably go away after a spell.

PMM:  Oh, that is good.  Your neighbor is a medical professional.  Very lucky for you.

HIYLH:  My neighbor is a mechanic, but the only person I know who is willing to diagnose stuff without insurance or a license.

PMM: I see. How may I help you, Sir?

HIYLH: I'm depressed that my computer doesn't respect me. Every time I tell it do do something, it freez

PMM: Sir, are you still there?

HIYLH: I'm still typing. So I'm a little slow.  Sue me.

PMM: My apologies, Sir.

HIYLK: That's like when I go out to eat at The Goulasherie and they start to take the bowl away without the courtesy of even saying "You still working on that?" when they can see I'm still working on it just because somebody willing to spend more then $7.50 (excluding tip) is waiting for the table. I hate that.  Plus, I can see them counting the silverware after I paid my bill and I'm starting out the door. That's low.  Why do I even go there six times a week?

PMM: I understand.

HIYLH: My fakakta computer doesn't respect me and the

PMM:  What kind of computer did you say it was, Sir?

HIYLH: Fakakta. Fakakta.. You know, like --- fakakta.  You feelin' me?  Fa-kak-TUH.

PMM: If I could beg your indulgence, I am looking up the code for that. 

HIYLH: And here's another thing. The local branch of the Godfather's Savings 'N Loanshark is now charging me to get MY OWN MONEY just for using its dumbass debit card with a so-called fraud protection picture of me on it that looks like it was snapped by a reject from the RMV -- somebody who couldn't meet even their ultra-low standards of photographic competence. What the hell kind of stupid fraud protection is an out-of-focus picture on your debit card when the gonifs are busy hacking into your pathetic account that is usually overdrawn from all the secret bank fees, not to mention your nerdy-looking electronic tablet -- which, incidentally, always claims that it has only like 4% of battery power left. Why is that thing constantly running out of juice?  Just because I'm busy studying images of Mila Kunis on Ukrainian websites to see if she has any flaws, which, BTW, there are none? It can't handle this small indulgence?  Is that what you're telling me?

PMM: I will try my level best to help you, Sir.

HIYLH: Yeah, sure. What does the PMM stand for?

PMM: Thomas.

HIYLH: That makes no sense.

PMM: The T-h-o-m-a-s is silent.

HIYLH: You're not a native English speaker, are you?  Am I warm, or what?

PMM: I am not, sir, but I hope my English is satisfactory for your present needs.

HIYLH:  What other languages to you speak, Thomas?  Don't tell me; let me guess.  Cornish or something?

PMM:  I am permitted only to converse with you in your preferred language, Sir.

HIYLH: Oh, I get it. Don't feel bad, T-h-o-m-a-s.  When I first came to this country, I couldn't speak a lick of the local tongue.  Not one word.  Now look at me.  It just goes to show.

PMM:  How long have you lived in the country, sir?

HIYLH:  Born and raised here.

PMM: Oh.  English is also not your first language, then?

HIYLH:  Let's put it this way. In the beginning, when I  sort of popped out, you might say,  in the maternity ward, I mean, I didn't even know how to say: "Crikey! How 'bout doin' me a solid and turning  those floodlights way down, el docktor?  You expect me to open my eyes with you shinin' those kliegs in my face all the time?"  But along the way, I picked up more and more vocab, which, you know, ultimately I was able to string together to make myself understood. And here I am chatting with you in Bangalore or wherever you are at 2:46 am. 

PMM: Commendable.  Sir, may I  give you a number to call if we get disconnected?  Have you a pen and paper handy?

HIYLH: Ha!  That's a laugh!  No. I do not have a pen and paper handy. I have like an old scratch ticket and a toothpick.  That's it. I had a pen.  It broke.  Paper is like.  OK, here's the story with the paper.  It has to do with the cat.  It's kind of unbelievable but never mind.  I won't bore you with the details. They're somewhat disturbing.  So, no, I guess I don't have a pen, if that's what you're asking me. Or paper.

 PMM: Well I will give you the telephone number and perhaps you can print it or memorize it and if we get disconnected, you can call back and ask for me, Thomas.  Would that be fine?

HIYLH:  Fine?  That'd be supercalifragilisticexpialidotious.  And I don't even mind that your name isn't really "Thomas," because my name isn't really "Sir,"  so we're all square.  Lay that number on me, my man.

PMM: The number to call is  1-018-018-1818.  When you hear the recorded voice, just hit option [2].  Then when you hear the pause, hit option [6]. Then when the woman says (remember this is not a live woman, but a recording of a woman's voice with a somewhat Gallic accent) -- When she says, "Please listen carefully to the entire message because our options have changed," you can skip this step, as the options have not really changed, and it is unlikely that they will ever change.  The options are rather fixed.  Then after you have chosen option [6] and you hear her say: "please don't hang up," follow these instructions to the letter. This step do not skip. This is very important. Afterward, there will be a very high-pitched siren.  You may not be able to hear it.  A dog would certainly be be able to hear this.  It is recommended that you position your telephone next to a dog and hold the receiver to the dog's ear at this point. Then, when you see the dog's ears shoot straight up, at this moment, choose option [3] and wait for the 4-letter code. It will be whispered almost imperceptibly and also rather quickly. It will not be repeated. Then, upon entering the 4-letter code on your keypad, just wait, and a person will come on the line, perhaps not right away, or even soon, but certainly and without fail.

HIYLH:  What do you mean a "person?"  Won't it be you, Thomas?

PMM:  It will be someone named "Thomas."  This I can assure you.

HIYLH: What?  You're all named Thomas?  Is this some kind of cult?

PMM: Sir, what exactly is the problem that you are having?

HIYLH:  Are you kidding me? The economy's in the tank. We're running low on seltzer and Little Debbie Cakes. They keep pushing back the broadcast date for Mad Men. (I'm not sure it's ever really going to air.) Every time you turn around, the cat informs you that there's yet another flavor he refuses to eat under any circumstance. And if that's not bad enough, the Red Sox...don't even get me started.

PMM:  There are no doubts in my mind that your life is very interesting and troubled, Sir.

HIYLH: I forgot to mention that I'm suspicious that bleach doesn't really do anything. Does it do anything special for your whites, Thomas? Tell the truth.  

PMM: Sir, my assignment is to assist you with your computer. What is the problem you are having with your Fakakta-brand computer, Sir?

HIYLH: It isn't Fakata-brand.  It's just plain fakakta. 

PMM:  But what is the problem with it, Sir?

HIYLH: I hate it.  I hate it.  Moreover, I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (:     @#$!!(*###

PMM: But what is the actual problem with it, Sir?

HIYLH: The tilde key is stuck.

PMM:  The tilde key?

HIYLH: Yeah.  You know ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PMM:  Sir, are you still there?

HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PMM: I suggest that we try a re-boot of the Fakakta computer.  It may take up to 47 years, so you may wish to run a few errands in the interim.

HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM:  Sir, have I answered all of your questions to your satisfaction?


HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 PMM:   You will have an opportunity to take a brief survey to rate the quality of your experience with Customer Service.  It will be emailed to you.  I would appreciate if you would take this survey, as this helps us improve our customer service.

HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PMM:  You may signify your level of satisfaction with the customer service you have received today, by pressing the keys on your keypad with the zero key meaning "very dissatisfied" and  the "tilde" key meaning "best customer service in the universe and this fellow should get a raise straight away."

HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PMM:  Thank you sir.   Very Fakakta of you.  Wishing you a pleasant evening.

[PMM logged of at 3:02 a.m]