The Soundtrack of My Life (Aisle 3)

Like most normal people, I pay very close attention to the supermarket soundtrack. The decision to purchase Swiss chard, Belgian Endive, or Massachusetts sweet corn could hang in the balance and depend beyond all description on whether the store sound system streams the subliminal tones of Smokey Robinson, the Pointer Sisters, or Carole King, to name just three of the chanteuses widely exploited in an effort to increase market share among people who delude themselves into believing that their income is so disposable that they can actually afford unfrozen vegetables.

For the longest time, I patronized only Stop 'N Shop because they played my favorite song several times throughout the shopping day cycle: "That's the Way, Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh, I Like It!" Truth be told, I would manufacture any excuse to go to the supermarket just to hum along loudly to the soundtrack. If ever I found myself wallowing in self-pity or sliding into a troublesome torpor, I could always be pulled back from the brink of despair by the realization that, surely, I was out of something -- dental floss (fine, unwaxed), pears, the tiny silver balls that eight year olds like to see on birthday cakes -- to the effect that soon I found myself sauntering down the garbage bag aisle belting out the music of my life.

But one day while I was struggling mightily to choose between Swifter Wet and Swifter Dry and weighing the relative pros and cons of each, one of those life-changing moments changed my life. The afternoon had started with such promise. As I stood there memorizing the products' potential health hazards (particularly for women who are nursing or pregnant or who may become pregnant), sure enough, the strains of the transplendant melody wafted from the ceiling tiles and I was transported to a Wonderland where everyone dropped whatever they were doing to sing and stomp their left foot along in unison:

Oh, that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I grabbed a mop and started to dance a tango, and as I screamed at the top of my lungs "that's the way, that's the way!" some malfunction in the soundtrack caused the lyrics to repeat incessantly:

uh-huh, uh-huh
uh-huh, uh-huh
uh-huh, uh-huh
uh-huh, uh-huh
uh-huh, uh-huh
uh-huh, uh-huh

In my naivete, I thought that there was a store D.J. who sat in a back room next to where they sold the lottery tickets who would quickly be on top of the problem and restore order in a manner befitting the magnificence of the composition, but instead, the skipping continued:

uh-huh, uh-huh
uh-huh, uh-huh
uh-huh, uh-huh

until mercilessly interrupted by the intercom:

Price check on Belgian endive a register 4!
Price check, Register 4!

Had that been the catastrophe ended there, I could have completed my Swifter transaction content and retired for the day, but instead the madness would not relent:

uh-huh, uh-huh
uh-huh, uh-huh
uh-huh, uh-huh

I dropped the mop and ran screaming into the parking lot with the massacre of the masterpiece still burning a hole in my ears. Did I retreat to my bed? No. The only cure was to wipe that tune right out of my head. I headed straight to Star Market where the strains of "Midnight at the Oasis" soon put me in mind of buying toothpaste lickety-split. The thought of gel v. non-gel was soon edged out by the soothing message of the inexplicable:

Midnight at the oasis
Send your camel to bed
Shadows paintin' our faces
Traces of romance in our heads

"That really speaks to me," I thought. "Send your camel to bed." Then and there I decided on one mint gel and one paste for good measure. "I wonder what they're playin' down by Sudbury Farms way, thought I, and I hightailed it over to the store on the other side of town, virtually none of whose produce (despite its name) comes from an actual farm, just in time to click my heels to the magic of:

Time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin
Into the future

"Wow!" I thought to myself. I'm not getting any younger. Time keeps on slippin' into the future, indeed! That's so true! It doesn't slip into the past or even the present; it slips into the future! Who knows what the future will bring? I sure don't." Right then and there, I decided upon some blue cupcake holders which could come in handy someday -- you know -- "into the future."

"I guess I should try out the Purity Supreme," I thought. "You never know what musical pearls of wisdom will spur on my personal effort to yank us out of recession. "We shall see. We shall see," I murmured, as my car kept slippin, slippin', slippin' into the turn lane.

Why, no sooner had I set foot into the solidly middle-of-the- road market when I was transfixed by the musical sermon of:

(Under the boardwalk) out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) we'll be havin' some fun
(Under the boardwalk) people walking above
(Under the boardwalk) we'll be falling in love
Under the board-walk (board-walk!)

It was the emphasis on the last "board-walk!" that really struck a chord. I had an urge to buy a plug-in plastic thingy that discharged a chemical reminiscent of a scented candle (potpourri!!), so I did.

"The perfect way to round out this perfect day" I decided, was to end up at the oh-so politically correct Whole Foods where the musical tastes ran to the decidedly progressive. No doubt, the subliminal sirens would guide me to just the right gluten-free cracker, making this world and my disgestive system better simultaneously. Outside where the shopping carts were piled up thoughtfully in the handicap spaces by SUV drivers whose vehicles sported "War is Not the Answer" bumper stickers, all was chaos, but inside, the universe spoke to me:

That Bloody Red Baron was in a fix
He'd tried everything, but he'd run out of tricks
Snoopy fired once and he fired twice
And that Bloody Red Baron went spinning out of sight

Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more
The Bloody Red Baron was rollin' out the score
Eighty men died tryin' to end that spree
Of the Bloody Red Baron of Germany

Well, ten, twenty ....

I quickly bought a lufa sponge and a carob bar, and as I did so, I realized: "If music be the food of love, play on!"

Your Itinerary

THANKS FOR CHOOSING AIR HEAD

Thanks for choosing Air Head. Attached is the booking confirmation for your trip. Please review the confirmation carefully as it includes some important information about flying with us. Although you do not need this document to check in, failure to have it on your person may cause it to be on some other person.


Treat yourself to a seat!
Starting at just $180 more, you can actually get a seat on your flight instead of standing up the whole way and hanging on to a greasy strap! (Recommended for flights of 5 hours' duration or more)

Click here to get a seat ------> (:( OK, Not here. Here -------------> (:)

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(We're just foolin' witchuh)

Are you on an FAA Watch List?

Would you like to be?

To find out more, Call 1-800-ImOnaWatchList

REZ/Itinerary

Seth Salinger
Newton, MA 02461

Confirmation Code: BARFBAG
Date Booked: 31 Jul 09
Modified: 31 Jul 09
Booked By: Julio-down-by-the-schoolyard

Welcome Aboard Amigo!

DATE -- 16 Sep 09
FLIGHT 474
DEPART BOS (Logan) 7:46:46 A.M.
STOP 1 WORCESTER 7: 58 A.M. (Do not get off the plane! a short film will be screened)
DEPART WORCESTER 7:59 A.M.
STOP 2 SPRINGFIELD 8:14 A.M.
DEPART SPRINGFIELD 8:33 A.M.
(A short breakfast will be served. It's about 2 inches tall).
STOP 3 HARTFORD 8:40 A.M.
(2 hour 30 min. layover. Watch CNN or something. It's turned up really loud all over the airport. You can't get away from it--even in the bathroom--it makes you want to shoot yourself. And how about how much the bookstore sucks? Who reads this chazerai? Well, at least there's the magazines. Wow! Are those boobs real!? Hmmm. A thumb exerciser. I've always wanted to get one of those. "Yes, I'll take thumb exerciser and some Sucrettes...$33.45!? Are you insane!? What? Yes, I want a bag! 33 bucks for this North Korean piece of shit? -- You think you could spare a bag? That's the only size bag you have? I could fit a Sherman tank in there! I'm supposed to carry my thumb exerciser inside this thing? It's the size of a parachute! Now they're going to make me check my thumb exerciser." Oh, Thank God! They're calling your flight --------------------------------- Hurry up. (keep panting) Hurry up. (keep panting) Hurry up! (keep panting) It's Gate 29 and you're only at Gate 6.------- What's that, God? No I would not like to have a heart attack right now, thank you very much. Not a good time. How 'bout a rain check? Pheww, Made it. Gate 29 -- What? False alarm? 25 more minutes? What am I supposed to do for 25 minutes? Yeah, yeah, I know, go back to Orange Julius and have some more sugar.
DEPART HARTFORD 10:70 A.M. (Maybe Orange Julius will mail you your Thumb Exerciser).
10: 89 A.M. (Emergency Landing: Merritt Parkway, Exit 40, Norwalk)
25 minute break for interview on WSLX 91.9 FM, New Canaan
DEPART MERRITT PARKWAY 11:30-ish
ARRIVE NYC LGA 11:40-ish

NYC Travel Tip
Grab a bagel

(Don't forget to pay for it)

DO YOU NEED A RENTAL CAR?
Do you need a leaky pen?
Do you need a massage?
Do you need some tacks?
How about some gum? Do you need some? Here. Have some gum.
Do you need a Q-Tip?
Do you have change for a dollar?

Money Off Hotel Stays!
Get $30* off your hotel stay by underpaying by $30. It's fun and illegal!
Use Code RIKERSISLAND and Book by August 30 for travel between August 30 and August 30, 2009. Not much of a window is it? Click here for the heck of it.

Promo Code is valid only for an illegal discount of $30 off a new hotel-only booking of at least three (3) consecutive nights, at unsuspecting hotels. Promo Code is only valid for bookings made through Air Head. Promo Code cannot be applied to existing travel, the cost of cancellation or change penalties, prepaid reservations, administrative fees or other miscellaneous charges. Promo Code cannot be applied to anything, actually. Promo Code is not redeemable for cash, and may not be combined or used in conjunction with other special offers. Promo Code must be referred to in the third person. Promo Code is very temperamental. Promo Code is a pain in the ass.

Carry-on Baggage Rules:
Customers may now carry through security checkpoints travel-size Thumb Exercisers that fit comfortably in a satchel of pure gold 1.8 cubits from its base to its highest point and 3 cubits from side to side to side, faced with wood shaved from the cedars of Lebanon, ivory from Ethiopia, and sprinkled all about with Jimmeys.

DOMESTIC TRAVEL:
Air Head offers two types of fares: Nonrefundable and Nonrefundable. For Air Head Nonrefundable Fares, changes or cancellations can be made prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $500 per person.


ADVICE TO INTERNATIONAL PASSENGERS:
Countries with McDonalds are rarely bombed.


NOTICE OF OVERBOOKING OF FLIGHTS
We do this intentionally. It's nothing personal. But you should see your face at the ticket counter! It's a scream, which is also what you'll do when we break the news to you. Oh take a Nitroglycerin and chill out. You have your Orange Julius don't you? If the flight is overbooked, no one will be denied a seat until airline personnel first ask for volunteers willing to give up their reservation in exchange for some trinket. If there are not enough volunteers, Air Head will deny boarding to all passengers and we can just sit here and think about our behavior.

EXPLANATION OF YOUR BILL

ACCOUNT SUMMARY

Amount of Last Bill......................................... $3,033.26
Payment(s) Thank You*..................................... $24.55
Balance.............................................. Do the math, genius!

* Yeah, big wow. You owe over $3,000 and you paid a whopping $24.55. Who racks up $3,000 worth of phone charges in one month, anyway? Are you some kind of a freak? Truth be told, we've been listening in on some of your conversations. Very kinky. You are a freakin' freak.


CURRENT CHARGES

Local Monthly Charges....................................... $36.45
Long Distance Service Charges......................... $999.88**

**What's with all the calls to Thailand? Are you running some kind of a porn ring?

Total Due by 09/15/2009: $4,066.38

Important Information - You are responsible for payment of all charges on your bill. Not your Mommy. Not your Daddy. Not your Doggy. Not your Kitty. Not your Fishy. Not your Birdy. Not your Hamstery. Not your Turtley. You and only you. That's right, and...Hey! stop crying and grow up, sissy boy. If you want to text, you have to pay the texting piper. Oh, and by the way, your "dial tone" may be disconnected if you do not pay your essential charges such as your telephone line, surcharges and fees. (Who are we kidding "may be?") Frankly, we'll come at 3:30 in the morning while you're sleeping off your latest walpurgisnacht. Not only will we disconnect your "dial tone," we'll also make mystery red marks all over your arms by jabbing at you with toothpicks, and we'll also de-pair your socks. But feel free to tell your friends you were abducted by aliens while you were sleeping. We're sure they'll vouch that you are compos mentis.

Call 1-888-XXX-XXXX for Customer Service.

Here's a tip: XXX-XXXX is not a real phone number. Anyone with half a brain already knows this, but of course, anyone with half a brain h as already switched to a different service. If you actually read this explanation, you will come to discover the secret of the "Customer Service" number. If not, we hope you enjoy the theme from Riverdance. It plays over and over again on the "Customer Service" line interrupted only every 3 minutes by a guy with the hiccups and a frog in his throat saying: "Please continue to hold, we beg of you!"


SUMMARY OF CATEGORIES THAT MAKE UP YOUR CHARGES FOR THIS BILLING PERIOD


Recurring Charges (These are charges that get recycled to help the environment)
Local Telephone Service:
Charge for Network Access
Voice Mail
Voice lessons
Voiceovers
Give Voice to Your Dreams
I am Woman; Hear me Roar!
Universal Connectivity Fee (Universal Service Fund (USF)*** , Federal Universal Service Fund
Local Number Portability
Emergency 911
What's the 411?
It Takes 1 to Know 1
TRS (Telecommunications Relay)
Graphics Card
Honor Bar (we know you took a bite out of the Toblerone, so you're getting clipped for that)
Federal Excise Tax
Utility User Tax
City Tax
Sin Tax
Inconvenience Fee
Random Inexplicable Charges

***This, of course, is bullshit. You know it. We know it. But you pay it, anyway, don't you? Nobody knows what the "Universal Connectivity Fee" is. We sure as hell don't.


Total Long Distance Monthly Charges............................................................... $999.98


DATE TIME PLACE NUMBER MINUTES

08/01 7:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 10
08/02 8:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 20
08/03 9:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 30
08/04 10:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 40
08/05 11:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 50
08/06 12:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 60
08/07 1:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 70
08/08 2:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 80
08/09 3:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 90
08/10 4:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 100
08/11 5:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 110
08/12 6:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 120
08/13 7:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 130
08/14 8:06 pm Fresno, CA (559) xxx-xxxx 1
08/15 9:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 140
08/16 10:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 150
08/17 11:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 160
08/18 12:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 170


It's like you have some kind of fetish.


This portion of your bill is provided as a service to your long distance telephone company. Nonpayment of these services will not result in disconnection of your local telephone service. However, the service provider associated with these charges may initiate collection activity on its own behalf. God, we hope they do. You need some kind of an intervention.

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) allows us to charge whatever we want (AUTCWWW).

Helpful Hint For Cutting Your Phone Bill

Use scissors.

Corrections

An article on page 1 of the main news section yesterday headlined "Editors Strive to Reduce Reporting Errors" referred incorrectly to the department tasked with vetting news stories; it is the Department of Oversight, not the Bureau of Under Blind.

A caption under a photograph on page 1 of the Style Section accompanying the story headlined "Beth Johanson's Award-Winning Roses" misidentified the person who is the subject of the photograph; it is Beth Johanson, not Mr. Wally Peepers.

The lead story in Section B-1, the Sports section, incorrectly referred to The Olde Towne Team's victory against their Big Apple arch-rival in last night's best of three series. In fact, the Olde Towne Team was pummeled 14-1 and the manager has been fired.

Due to a proofreading error, an article in the Metro Section about the annual Dog Show repeatedly omitted the last syllable of the name of the breed of the all-around champion: it is Shitsu.

Thousands of letters to the editor highly critical of this newspaper's political bias were accidentally incinerated in a loading dock accident. We regret the error and are printing big black splotches in the places where the letters were to have appeared.

Problems with a hearing aid and a courtroom microphone resulted in an inaccurate report about Myles Standish's plea in his trial for defrauding investors of approximately 5 billion dollars over the last ten years. The plea was "not guilty." The same article also reported incorrectly that, if convicted, Standish would be "drawn and quartered and his remnants scattered throughout the streets by stout men riding in donkey carts." The Legislature abolished that form of punishment in this jurisdiction in 1643.

The breakdown of a collective bargaining agreement between this newspaper and the copy editor's union caused most of the articles in yesterday's Late Edition to run on too long, to be plagued with dangling participles, split infinitives and awkward gerunds and non sequiturs and also generally overwrought metaphors.

A' malfunction in the type-setting software caused the name of this newspaper to appear on the front page as THE NEW YORK TIMES. The name of this newspaper is, of course, THE PODUNK PRESS.

The Contest Rules

HOW TO ENTER


In these Rules, the term "You" means you and the term "We" means us. The term "us" also means us. The term "Term" means term.

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.* To enter, complete the entry form appearing on the reverse (the other side) of this form. To be eligible, entries must be completed and received precisely on midnight on the closing date of the draw, not a second more or less. Incomplete entries will be disqualified and the applicants submitting them will be barred from ever entering this or any other contest again. All entries shall become our property, and we are not responsible for lost, misguided, or idiotic entries. Entries received by telephone, fax, courier or personal delivery will be shunned like a wayward Amish.

(* to enter, that is. To win, you have to make the most purchases).

CONTEST RULES:


1. The contest is open to people who know how to read as well as those who don't (except residents of Quebec, unless they know how to hum, then they can enter). Three forms of identification must be produced on request (but 2 of them can be fake I.D.s.) Employees of our company, its contest sponsor, advertising and promotional agencies and their respective affiliates and associates and such employees' immediate family members, and persons with whom such employees are shacking up, or whom they've ever met or went to the movies with or went swimming with or had a crush on, or in whose bathroom mirror they ever snooped -- even for a split second -- are excluded from this contest.

2. The prize is not redeemable in cash and must be accepted as awarded. In other words, if you don't like it -- tough!

3. Decisions of the contest judges are final - no substitutions will be available -- albeit, if the right palms are greased..you know what I'm sayin?

4. By claiming the prize, the winner authorizes the use, without additional compensation, of his or her name and/or likeness and/or voice and/or peculiar head movements and/or DNA for promotion and/or advertising and/or exploitation of any kind, including, but not limited to, blackmailing people we don't like and/or their immediate family members and/or people who use "and/or" multiple times in the same paragraph and/or phrase.

5. By accepting the prize, the winner, and (but not or) any guest(s) or trespasser(s) and/or guy(s), acknowledge(s) ( ) that we may not be held liable for any los(s), damage(s) or injury associated with accepting or using this prize(s). (h)(i) (e)(v)(e)(r)(y)(b)(o)(d)(y!)

6. The person(s) whose name(s) is drawn as being the winner(s) of the specific priz(e) will be required to answer a skill-testing question before the prize is awarded to ( ) "Them." But if "You" make a diorama out of a shoebox you won't have to talk very much and can probably get away with it -- even if you didn't read the book. The person(s) whose name(s) and/or are is drawn as being the loser(s) will get off scott free.

7. Detailed contest rules applicable to this contest, including contest entry dates, how to enter, and prize value, number and any restrictions applicable to these prizes are available to the winner, but only if the request is made prior to the date of the contest. No requests made after the contest start date will be honored, and neither will their parents. But how do "You" know if you are the winner before the contest starts? Yeah, it sounds like the fix is in. Yeah. Hey, what is that a Twinkie? Can I have half? (s).

8. Winners and any guests must sign a release form over and over again until "They" keel over.

9. "We" retain the rights, in "Our" absolute and sole discretion, to make substitutions of equivalent kind or approximate value in the event of the unavailability of any prize or component of the prize for any reason whatsoever, no reason at all, entirely made up reasons, or reasons that would make sense if "You" were from another planet where nothing is at all like it is here.

10. This contest is subject to applicable laws where people care about that sort of thing.

11. We reserve the right to withdraw or terminate this contest at any time without prior notice. In fact, we have just done so.


Just kidding. We didn't really withdraw it.

12. Approximate value of prizes vary. The crappy ones are worth a lot less.

13. If prize involves a destination and accommodation, concert destination is at our whim. Accommodation, unless otherwise stated, refers to 40 days and 40 night in a 3-star brothel. If prize involves travel, winner and travel companion must agree never to speak to each other for the duration -- not even once. Trip dates and travel accommodations cannot be changed by winner; however, travel is subject to availability, blackout dates, riots, floods, acts of war, acts of terrorism, pretentious one-act plays, and teenagers acting out. Prize cannot be used in conjunction with any other promotion or offer and/or promotion and offer and must be accepted as awarded no matter how sucky it is.

14. Accidentally deleted

15. One entry per person/ Two if by sea./ And/or I on the opposite shore will be/ready to ride and spread the alarm/through every Middlesex village and farm.

THE BEST-SELLER LIST

(Paperback Nonfiction)

1. Julie & Julia by Julie Powell (Little Brown, $14.99) A memoir of racing to cook every recipe in Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking."

2. My Life in France by Julia Child with Alex prud'homme (Anchor $15 and $7.99.) How Julia Child mastered the art of French cooking, a memoir.

3. Watching Julia by Tammy Masterson (Penguin, $13.99.) One woman's account of how she watched every program ever produced about Julia Child.

4. I'm Julia! by Alice Lands (Random House, $15.00.) A woman impersonates Julia Child for fun and profit.

5. Julia Doesn't Live Here Anymore (Wells Fargo Bank, $8.00) Facsimiles of mortgage deeds and leases to properties that used to be owned or lived in by Julia Child and her husband, Paul.

6. Julia, Wherefore Art Thou and Wherefore Not? by Esther Kranz (Big Brown, $9.00.) A collection of sonnets about Julia Child.

7. Julia et Jim by Rudy Zinn (Pacifica Radio Press, $14.00) A re-imagining of the famous French film originally directed by Francois Truffaut. In the reworked version, the menage a trois is transformed into a passe double and the character of Jules is replaced by Julia Child.

8. Dreams From My Julia by Barack Obama (Dell, $18.00) In this lyrical, unsentimental, and compelling memoir (a sequel to the popular "Dreams from My Father"), the son of a black African father and a white American mother (and one who would later become President of the United States) talks about what it was like to grow up in places like Indonesia where Julia Child programming was not readily available on television.

9. Wt R U Kookn Dude? by Oswaldo (Apple Core Press, $4.00) A series of Julia Child-inspired text messages by one of the many one-name-only personalities famous simply for being famous.

10. Julia in the Wry by J.D. California (Harcourt Brace, $22.00). having lost round one of the copyright infringement lawsuit brought by the creator of Holden Caufield, the Swedish parodist tries to slip one past the nonagenarian author by thinly disguising the 50s prep school lost soul as Julia Child.

Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream

Dr. Feinberg says I should write down my dreams and keep kind of a diary and I said why? and he said because it will help figure out what's going on inside etc. or something and I said OK so here goes. last night I dreamed I was in the subway waiting for the D train but it never came. Then I woke up.

Day 2

I dreamed I was waiting for the D train again. First a C train came and, as it pulled into the station there was a woman on it who sort of sneered at me. Then an B train came. And the same woman was on that train! She was sort of scowling at me. The D train never came. Then I woke up.

Day 3

I was in the station waiting for the D train for a very long time. Finally it arrived. As I got on the train I noticed that the woman from the other dreams was driving the train. She looked at me and said sorry this isn't a D train any more it's going out of service you have to get off now. I got off the train and then I realized that I was the only one who got off. All the other passengers stayed on the train and the woman driver just laughed at me as she drove the train out of the station. Then I woke up.

Day 4

Dr. Feinberg says why am I always dreaming about being in the subway which is strange when most people want to dream about flying which is the opposite of being in the subway and I should try some exercises to help me dream about flying which he gave me so I said OK and I did the exercises. Then I had a dream. I dreamed I was on the D train and I saw the woman from the other dreams and I walked up to her and I said you are the woman of my dreams and she said leave me alone or I will call the police--wait a minute -- did I dream that or did that really happen? OK wait that really happened. That wasn't a dream.

Day 5

Dr. Feinberg says keep trying with the exercises I am making progress to which I said how can I be making progress when I can't even get out of the stupid subway in my dreams and he said be patient and I said I already am your patient and then I laughed and said get it? It's a joke. But he didn't think it was funny.

Day 6

I dreamed I was on the D train and it was crowded and I couldn't get a seat and even all the pull straps were occupied so I walked to the front of the car and I saw the woman from the other dreams driving the train and I said how about giving up your seat and she said OK why don't you drive the train then? So I was driving the train, and I kept jamming on the brakes because it was fun to watch all the people slip and fall when the car jerked but the woman never fell down. Then I woke up. Dr. Feinberg thinks I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.

Day 7

Breakthrough! Last night I dreamed I was at the airport and I was waiting to get on a plane to fly! fly! fly! someplace exciting! Then they made a boarding announcement and we all got on the plane and strapped into our seats. Then the plane started to move and we taxied out to the runway. Then we stopped in the middle of the runway. Suddenly the cockpit door flew open and the woman from the other dreams walked out of it and she was the pilot and she walked up to me and said we can't take off because they forgot to put enough gas in the plane and so we have to return to the terminal but first we will have to sit on the runway for 9 hours and no, there aren't any snacks. Then I woke up. Dr. Feinberg said well maybe you (meaning me) didn't fly but at least the cockpit door flew open. I am thinking about switching doctors.

Calling All Nigerian Princes

From: justaguy456hooboy@hotmail.com

Sent: August 20, 2009 @ 12:53 p.m. (12 hours ago)

Subject: EXTREMELY URGENT NOTIFICATION!

My Dear Very Good and Most Honorable Friend:


Having had no reply to my recent entreaty I am writing to you again with the hope that you will see your way clear to responding to this most urgent of requests. I beg you to forgive this intrusion, but I feel I had nowhere else to turn.

You see, I am a fairly regular naïve fellow with a bank account (one that has funds in it) and a social security number and several credit cards. It has been almost 13 months now since I have been approached in any way by a person posing as the son of a Nigerian Prince offering to share one half of his family’s $N 14,000,000 frozen fortune by asking me to provide all of my personal information (that I don’t even tell any one else) and to act as a domestic conduit for the deposit of a bogus cashier's check to my own bank for the ultimate purpose of siphoning away all of my assets and ruining my life.

I am reaching out to you because I feel I can trust you, even though we’ve never met, and this message is clearly spam generated randomly to you and hundreds of thousands of fake Nigerian Princes just like you by an untraceable computer (probably located in Belarus).

Please, I beseech you, contact me immediately and tell me where to send the account numbers and passwords. Can I count on you? Will you please be the fine fellow who scams me today?

Don’t delay, my dear friend, and G-d bless you.



shs

The Keys to Success

People often ask me, "Seth, what is the secret of your happiness?"

And I always tell them: "If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, would it? Do I look like a schmuck? Why don't you leave me alone?"

Sometimes people ask me, "Seth, how can I discover my true purpose in life?"

And I say to them: "What am I? Christopher Columbus? See that door over there? Why don't you discover how much fun it would be to walk through it and close it behind you?"

It's not unusual for people to ask me, "Seth, how can I be more serene like you?"

And I always respond: "May you get a rash and have nightmares!"

I often get asked, "Seth, how can I get my spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. to open up to me?"

I just give them a blank stare until they go away.

When people say to me, "Seth, should I simplify and give away my possessions?"

I say, "Yes, to me."

When people say to me, "What's it all about, Seth?"

I say: "I don't know, what's it all about, Alfie?"

Only on the Groovy Network

TONIGHT'S LINE-UP ON CHANNEL 127 (THE "GROOVY" NETWORK)

(All times Nova Scotian)

5:00 P.M.: "The News With Brucey Patterson"
The flamboyant social critic delivers his take on the day's events with sass and attitude.

5:30 P.M.: "Microwaving with Betty Sue"
Healthy Eats for people who don't know how to cook -- or to eat.

6:00 P.M.: "How to Dress Like a Queen"
Hubert, Tommy, and Frederico provide personalized tips for the sartorially-challenged.

7:00 P.M.: "Help, I'm Too Fat for My Couch!"
Overweight wives discuss their loves and peeves while sampling a wide assortment of chocolates.

8:00 P.M.: "Yo, the Bride is a B**ch"
Engaged women with chips on their shoulders and poles up their a**es throw tantrums and storm out of a variety of venues.

9:00 P.M.: "OH...MY...GOD!"
Young people engage in a series of shenanigans that provide fodder for the eponymous punchline.

10:00 P.M. "Petal Pugilists"
The country's most creative flower arrangers face off in the pressure-cooker atmosphere of elimination competition. Hosted by the "Sunflower King." Lots of crying and wimpering by the losers.

10:30 P.M. "From Dump(tious) to Scrump(tious)"
Kelley and Todd have only 45 minutes to turn a decorating disaster into a den of delectable delisciousness. All New!

11:30 P.M.: "Oh No, You Didn't Just Say That!"
Clueless Sissy and Winnie go on shopping sprees and confound everyone they meet with utterly outrageous and hilarious non-sequiturs.

12:00 A.M.: "The Roundtable"
Host Jarrod Bernstein, a world-renowned political scientist and anthropologist, engages a different Nobel prize winner each week in an erudite and stimulating discussion about topics covered in esoteric academic journals. (repeats at 1:00 A.M.).

Only on the Groovy Network!

The Reform Temple President's Announcement

Rabbi Eric: Before we have our closing prayer and song we will have a few words from the Temple President, Sol (the "Zim") Zimmowitz. Sol?

Zimmowitz: Thank you, Rabbi. Shabbat Shalom, everyone. I'd like to acknowledge the Haddasah auxilliary of the Temple Sisterhood for the lovely floral arrangement on the Bimah. Due to some previous episodes and questions that have arisen among a few of the members, I have been asked to remind the Congregation that the Sisterhood disclaims all warranties and liability for any allergic reactions or emotional stress arising from the choice of flowers.

This Tuesday evening at 8:00 p.m., we will have another guest speaker in our continuing series of "Adhering to Jewish Principles in a Post-Religious World." This week's speaker is Morty Weinberg, owner of "Pets are People, Too on Second Street," whose topic is entitled: "How to Kasher your Pet's Feeding Area and Provide Them with Healthy, Kosher Meals." Coffee and hamentashen will be served after the discussion. Please limit two hamentashen to a customer.

The Temple choir is now auditioning for a falsetto, two baritones and a base. Contrary to popular opinion, the ability to read Hebrew and musical notes is not required. However, according to our choir director, Rosie Rosenberg, the ability to carry a tune is highly desirable.

Tomorrow following our morning minyan service at 8:00 a.m. and Torah study at 9:00 a.m., we hope you will join us for the Bar Mitzvah of Christian Prescott Greenberg, III and the Bat Mizvah of An Yang Soo Chi Rosenblatt. Christian has written a commentary on his haftarah entiled: "Was God Just Too Mean to the Egyptians?," and An Yang has also written a commentary entitled "What if Ishmael Were the Chosen One? --Think About It." It's sure to be a fascinating and spiritual morning followed by a joint reception at the Crowne Plaza. The ushers will hand out printed directions as you leave tonight.

The Temple Brotherhood is still collecting used legal pads for the under-privileged in Haiti and collection baskets will be available all week long in the main foyer. Please give generously.

If you are interested in being one of our shofar blowers for the High Holy Days, please remember the shofar-blowing class this Wednesday night in the Sassoon Rec room in the basement. Shofars will be provided, but if you have one of your own, please feel bring it with you. No experience necessary!

As for the High Holy Days, please remember to return your ticket request form -- the teal one mailed to all members last week. If you need babysitting services, please return the double-sided chartreuse form by the 16th, and we're sorry, but red-lining the standard temple Release language and substituting it with your own will not be allowed. If you are bringing non-member children to services, you will need to return the gold form. If you are bringing non-member adults with you, you will need to return the magenta form. The director of our day school, Sandy Berlin, has asked me to remind you that, pursuant to the executive committee vote last week, 26-year olds will not count as children, and tickets will have to be purchased for them.

And while we're on the subject of the High Holy Days, let me remind everyone that our good neighbors at the St. Simon's Episcopal Rainbow Church are urging all of our members to consider that parking on their lawn is not in keeping with the inter-faith spirit of our shared parking lot. If you must drive on Yom Kippur, please be courteous.

A special "thank you" to all who participated in our "World's Largest Challah Bake-off" this past Sunday. A great time was had by all and we raised over $10,000 for the Sheldon W. Cohen Junior Alyiah Trip to Israel, Petra, and the Pyramids next March.

Finally, there is a white Lexus with New Jersey plates in the parking lot whose lights have been on throughout the entire evening, and ...I'm sorry, what's that Syd?... Oh, yes, there are several white Lexi with Jersey plates in the parking lot. That's true. This is the one with a yellow triangle in the rear window that says "Backseat Bubbe on Board."

Well, that about wraps it up. Please join us for the scrumptious Oneg in the Greene Function Room catered by Harriett on the Village Green immediately following our closing Kiddush and Ha'motzi. Thank you for your attention.

Shabbat Shalom.

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

BLUE CROSS AND BLUE SHIELD OF MASSACHUSETTS

"It's a Cover-up From Head to Toes"


August 12, 2009

Mr. Seth Salinger
Newton, Massachusetts


Re: Claim Number HHxx-0099-8123-09


Dear Mr. Salinger:

The appeal of the denial of your claim for reimbursement for "pastrami therapy" has been denied. While we have no doubt that ingestion of familiar and nostalgia-inducing meals -- so-called "comfort food," may, indeed cause you to experience significant stress reduction "commensurate with taking three beta blockers and a Dilaudid," as you have suggested, nevertheless, we find no medical or scientific support anywhere in the literature or even a reputable study indicating that a regular diet of a hot pastrami on rye (no cheese) with a kosher dill washed down with a Dr. Brown's Cherry soda is a legitimate treatment for anything, or that it is ever medically necessary.

Similarly, your appeal from the denial of coverage for "medical halvah" has been rejected, "the permutation throughout of medicinal sesame and natural opiates" notwithstanding. Please be advised that the decision is final.

In the future, please remember to discuss all such therapies with your primary care physician and to obtain a referral in advance to someone in our extensive network.

Should you have any questions about this decision, you may call our office between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. weekdays.



Very truly yours,

Barry Blanc Pain

A Few Interesting Cultural Facts Culled From Wikipedia

The famous American jazz trumpeter, Miles Davis, was actually born in Sweden, and for the first eight years of his life, he was known as "Kilometers," until his parents moved back to Harlem and changed his name because he was getting into fights at school. Were it not for this accident of geography, some of the most popular records issued by Columbia might have had such names as: "Kilometers Ahead," "Kilometerstones," "1958 Kilometers," and, of course "Kilometers Smiles."


As of August 12, 2009, the Earth's population is estimated by the United States Census Bureau to be 6.777 billion (none of whom follow this blog). Despite the astronomically large number of inhabitants on the Earth, if everyone stood very close to each other (after bathing thoroughly first), the entire population of the planet could fit inside the New York City subway system (except for the guy who says: "We apologize for the delay.").


Marketing studies demonstrate consistently that Americans feel intellectually inferior to the British. Accordingly, sales reports confirm that Americans will purchase anything advertised on television provided that the voiceover has a fake British accent. The same holds true for televised amateur hour: No matter how ridiculous and ignorant the judge’s opinion, it will be widely accepted by an American audience provided it is rendered in British-accented English.


Maimonides was the fist person to say "Oy vey," (in 1359 C.E.) after having a dream that Leonard Nemoy would one day play his “voice” in an animated program about his life. (“I was holding out for William Shatner,” he wrote in an obscure footnote in tractate Pesahim from the Mishnah Torah.)


Approximately 3,000 miles separate China's western region from its east coast, yet it has only one time zone, known as "Happy Fun Time."

Mary Cassat, the great American painter, was noted for painting portraits of intimate bonds between mothers and children. Yet, she is reported to have confided in her friend, the impressionist, Edgar Degas, “I hate my kids.”

Massachusetts is home to the oldest pothole in the United States, Ye Olde Newton Centre Car-Wrecker, first appearing in 1722, and lovingly ignored by 23 successive mayoral administrations.

18 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Lists are pretentious. You know the kind I’m talking about: “The World’s Best Beaches” “The 10 Safest Cities.” “The Budweiser Book of Missouri Records.” There are a whole host of reasons why these lists are so annoying:

For one thing, they categorize things that shouldn’t or can’t be categorized. Secondly, they are nothing more than the imposition of some one else’s opinion. Number 3, they cause impressionable people who have yet to ascend Machu Picchu to lie awake worried that they may not be up to the standards of some trust fund baby author whom they’ll never meet because, unlike him, they have not yet climbed Machu Picchu (or is it Macho Pizza?). Number 4 is because they are arbitrary (see, also, number Secondly). Fifth, they are like an albatross, or, at the very least, a procellariids of the biological family Diomedeidae allied to the storm-petrels and diving-petrels in the order Procellariiformes (the tubenoses) which range widely in the Southern Ocean and the North Pacific and are absent from the North Atlantic, although fossil remains show they once occurred there too and occasional vagrants turn up despite the fact that they are amongst the largest of flying birds, and the great albatrosses (genus Diomedea) have the largest wingspans of any extant birds, usually regarded as falling into four genera, but there is disagreement over the number of species, which may or may not have any nexus to the fact that Albatrosses are highly efficient in the air, using dynamic soaring and slope soaring to cover great distances with little exertion, because, perhaps, they feed on squid, fish and krill by either scavenging, surface seizing or diving. Sixth, lists are kind of icky. Numero seven, lists are very maddening when there is no pen in the house and nothing to check them off with. Eight, lists are published by lazy uncreative people who can’t write. Nine, lists are not more lovely nor more temperate than a summer’s day and are indifferent to rough winds shaking the darling buds of May, etc. and so on, and so forth.

Thus, without further delay, herewith, a list of the 18 essential things (for normal people) that must be done before you die (No pressure, but try to complete everything on the list before you die so that you don't feel like a loser):

1. Make a list; check it twice.
2. Pay a library fine.
3. Climb Machu Picchu.
4. Eat a vegan.
5. Remember always that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
6. Storm San Juan Hill.
7. Storm a hill of beans.
8. Always look for the silver lining.
9. Sit right down and write yourself a letter.
10. Climb every mountain.
11. Drive a Ford through a stream.
12. Honk if you like honking.
13. Skip this one.
14. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.
15. Admit other people’s mistakes.
16. Never omit the possessive apostrophe while drawing to an inside straight.
17. Stop and smell the roses, but please pull a safe distance off the road first and don’t forget those hazard lights.
18. D.C. al fine.

(Individual results may vary. Lists are not a substitute for genuine advice. In some research studies, people who allowed lists to direct their lives were not discernibly different from people who ate a regular diet of placebos. Though usually mild, some people may experience certain side effects while reading lists, including, but not limited to: dizziness, upset stomach, sleeplessness, sleepiness, sleepfullness, sleepwalking, sleep running, sleep shot putting, sleep pole vaulting, sleep 100 meter dash, sleep triathlon, sleep synchronized swimming, sleep pummel horse, and sleep skywriting.)

Automatically Translated from the French!

Latest Dispatches from Le Monde

(As interpreted by an on-line translator)


"GI Joe" immediately seized the head of l'office de le "box" in North America

(AFP)

Le action movie "GI Joe, the awakening of the Cobra" won in the first week in taking first place at l'office de le "box" in North America, according to final figures which shall have been released Monday by the company Exhibitor Relations, who also gave it 2 1/2 Michelin stars.

This science fiction movie, where the agents of an elite team with the latest military technology waging a fierce fight against a terrorist organization of swarthy-looking fellows, has generated revenues of $ 54.7 million (even more in Euros!) for the first weekend after its output.

In the second place, "Julie and Julia" avec Meryl Streep in the role of Julia Child, the great vulgarisatrice de la cuisine française in the United States, reaping $ 20 million. bon appétit, bien sûr!

Guinea pigs genetically modified by Walt Disney (le studio, non pas l'homme) "Mission G" in third place with $ 9.9 million, totaled 86.2 million in three weeks and billions more in five weeks pour certains.

A 4th place, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," -- the over-aged, pimple-faced British adolescent variety of whom we now see far too many in the streets and whorehouses of Paris -- sixth aspect of the saga, a total of $273.9 millions in revenue in four weeks on the screens (where the movie is exhibited, and much less in places where the film is not shown at all), after yet garnered 8.9 million dollars this weekend. Jolly bon!

"Funny People," where comedian Adam Sandler, ill, decides to support a young comic, sans-talent, plummet from first to 5th place (after stubbing his big toe on a truffle -- mon dieu!) and collects $ 8 million, bringing its total to $40.5 million, or well below expectations. Très pathétique. Whom does they think he is? Marcel Marceau? oh, s'il vous plaît! Donnez-moi un break!

In 6th place, "The Abominable truth," a romantic comedy of the Australian Robert Luketic ( "La revanche d'une blonde"), adds $ 6.7 million to its oversized war breasts, totaling $68.8 million after three weeks.

"A perfect Getwaway", a horror film about a hike in Hawaii, won 5.9 million in its first week in cinemas. Ze title, Cherie, c'est ironique - non?

At the 8th place, "The Zintrus," where children try to defend their house against an invasion by extraterrestrials (a/k/a Germans), has amassed $4 million. If only they could take cower behind the Maginot Line!
Parlez de la sécurité!

"500 Days Together," a romantic comedy, is 9th with $3.73 million, and "Orphan," a horror film where a couple adopts a child who is evil, the firm works with $3.67 million ($ 37.8 million in three weeks). And why would anyone wish to adopt a child who is evil? Because, they are stupide, imbécile, bouché, you might say.

-- Fin --

Colloquy

TRANSCRIPT OF MOTION HEARING

In Re Fresser, Suffolk Superior Court, Civil Action Number 09-cv-4789-F

August 9, 2009

S. Salinger for plaintiffs (ex parte)

(Nosh, J. presiding)


MR. SALINGER: Good morning, your Honor

THE COURT: Good morning, counselor. These are your motions for temporary restraining orders. You may be heard.

MR. SALINGER: Thank you, your Honor. My client has brought this suit on behalf of himself and all diners similarly situated to enjoin the use of the phrase "you guys" by waiters and waitresses in commercial eating establishments on the grounds that said phrase debases the language, tends to dumb down society, and is so damaging to the segment of the population, now, perhaps, a minority, still able to construct a grammatically complete and correct English sentence, that it violates public policy and/or constitutes actionable hate speech.

THE COURT: You brought this lawsuit because you don't want waiters to say "you guys?"

MR. SALINGER: Correct, your Honor, as in: "How you guys doin'? My name is Chad and I'll be taking care of you tonight. Can I start you guys off with some drinks?' "

THE COURT: Counselor. Are you telling this Court that uttering the words "you guys" constitutes hate speech?

MR. SALINGER: Yes, your Honor. I hate it, as do many other people, especially married women who don't like being referred to as "guys." Additionally, your Honor, the suit seeks to enjoin all variations of the redundant plural, as in: "Your guys-es order will be out in a few moments."

THE COURT: Guys-es? Who says that?

MR. SALINGER: A waiter said it to my wife and me last night. Moreover, I clocked him and we waited 17 minutes after his representation about the order being out in a few moments. I would have billed over a quarter of an hour for that. It was a false and fraudulent misrepresentation.

THE COURT: Stick to the facts of the case, Mr. Salinger. If you don't want the wait staff at restaurants to refer to diners as "you guys," you can just tell them that. You don't need an Order from this Court.

MR. SALINGER: Well, your Honor, that may be so, but an Order from the court carries a certain cachet.

THE COURT: This Court doesn't issue orders for cachet.

MR. SALINGER: But, your Honor, these people are a menace. Now this hateful speech is spreading beyond our borders. I was at a restaurant in London, England a few months ago, and the waiter referred to us as "guys;" Not "chaps" or "fellows" or "mates," but "guys," as though he were raised in Detroit instead of the Cotswolds.

THE COURT: Mr. Salinger, this Court's jurisdiction does not extend to England. It doesn't even reach to Rhode Island.

MR. SALINGER: Exactly so, which is why we need an order of the Court. Without judicial intervention, the problem will get out of control and become a global contagion.

THE COURT: Counselor, what relief are you seeking in connection with this suit?

MR. SALINGER: A mandatory injunction, your Honor. Not only must wait staff be enjoined from uttering the phrase "you guys" or any derivation thereof, they must be instructed to address their customers as "Madam" or "Sir" or "Ladies and Gentlemen."

THE COURT: If you want a language police, you should go to France.

MR. SALINGER: Your Honor, a diminution in speech and elocution presages a dilution of independent thought, which is a harbinger of the end of civilization as we know it.

THE COURT: Oh, really? The attorney who was just in here claimed that trans-fats are a threat to civilization.

MR. SALINGER: Respectfully, your Honor. We're not seeking to outlaw fois grois; we're trying to eradicate sloth.

THE COURT: Counselor, according to your papers, you are proposing that repeat offenders be transported to the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay for re-education?

MR. SALINGER: Yes, because a monetary fine is insufficient to dissuade the worst offenders.

THE COURT: Guantanamo Bay, counselor?

MR. SALINGER: Indeed, your Honor. There are some vacancies there now.

THE COURT: Motion denied. What's your next Motion?

MR SALINGER: Thank you judge. This has to do with persons over the age of 23 wearing turned-around baseball caps in public.

Locked Overnight in an Office Supply Store.

I accidentally got locked in an office supply store overnight, because they didn't realize there was a customer in the Men's room, and it took so long for the automatic dryer to kick in that the lights had gone out and the doors had locked while my hands were still damp. A normal person might have called 911 on a cell phone, but mine, of course was in the back seat of my brother's car which I had borrowed for a week and parked in a distant corner of the store lot. Plus, this was one of those stand-alone big box stores set way back from the road and not near anything else.

"How about a store phone?" I asked myself impatiently. "Oh sure. No problem," I replied to myself with apparent disgust, "except that they're all locked in the manager's office and you can't get to them."

"That's not true, Sherlock," I retorted with such a sneer that I was stung by my own intellectual snobbery. "There is a phone at every cash register."

"A phone at every cash register!?" I repeated to myself, my voice now rising to a fever pitch. "O.K., genius!" "Let's try to use one so that the whole world can see why my brain is always in neutral!" This last retort was as much a barb about the idiocy of running into the Men's room just as the store was closing as it was a challenge to get an outside line from a cash register phone. As I uttered it, I remembered the announcement over the store intercom from five minutes earlier just as the Men's room door had shut behind me: "Attention shoppers. The store is now closed."

By now, the thought of recovering my pride overtook all my other thoughts (of which, admittedly, there weren't any) and I was determined to prove to myself that I could use a cash register phone to get an outside line and call for help. I set out immediately for the front of the store to find a cash register, a phone, and also some mints. Almost immediately, my left knee was introduced to one of the many fine poles they have at the office supply store doing yeoman's work holding up the ceiling.

"Hello," said my knee cheerfully to the pole.

"Go fuck yourself," replied the pole.

At this opportune moment, the rest of me was introduced to the polished cement floor as I fell to the ground in indescribable pain. It was so indescribable, that it could only be described as

"Hello," the rest of me volunteered to the floor.

"Go fuck yourself," said the floor.

From somewhere in the recesses of my brain (I think it was the incredibly annoying part that I'd like to kill) a little voice whined: "Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into."

"Who are you? Laurel & Hardy?" I said to my brain.

"I'm Hardy," said my brain. "Laurel, the douche bag, is lying on the floor in an office supply store in the dark with a wounded knee."

"Look. This is getting me nowhere," I blurted out suddenly. "Let's face facts. I'm hurt. It's dark. I can't see anything. I'm alone. I'll have to try to crawl to the front of the store."

"O.K.," said the pompous blowhard of a voice in my brain. "But I hope there aren't any thumbtacks on the floor and I jam my hand into it."

"Thumbtacks!?" said I with such incredulity that I couldn't believe it. "This is a Staples!"

A silence fell over the room. I tried to prop it up, but it was too heavy. Instead, I made my way in a slow, meticulously, painful crawl to what may have been aisle 14 (hanging folders, portable files), but could just as easily have been aisle 7 (markers, tape, glue). Considering my condition and the hostile environment, I actually made admirable progress for a stretch. After several minutes, my left hand landed on something round and metallic. I grasped it in both hands and brought it close to my face while examining its perimeter with my fingers.

"It's a flashlight!" I gasped. "I'm saved!"

"Not quite," said the annoying voice. "It takes D batteries; sold separately. Guess where they are."

"At the cash registers?" I asked meekly.

"Bingo!" exclaimed the voice triumphantly.

"Oh crap," I said. "I have to finish the crawl to the front to get the batteries." I put the flashlight down and continued the odyssey.

"Wait a minute!" yelled the voice.

"Now what?" I hollered.

"What are you going to do when you get to the front of the store? Find some batteries and put them in your mouth? You have to bring the flashlight or else the whole thing is useless."

"I knew that," I said, reaching out with my good leg and trying to corral the flashlight. After a few flex moves I actually made contact and was able to slide the flashlight up to my hand.

"Great!" said my brain to my hand. "Now you reach out and grab the flashlight!"

"Will you shut up!?" I said to my brain. "You really think you have to give instructions to the hand? Why don't you take a break?"

"That's how I got into this mess in the first place," said the voice.

After this, there was nothing to say. Somehow, I continued the crawl all the way to the front. It probably took another ten minutes but if felt like eleven minutes. As my eyes were now growing somewhat accustomed to the dark, I actually could make out the faint outline of a checkout counter in the near distance. In a spastic burst of excitement, I knocked over a cardboard display of Easy buttons in the last gasp to the counter. They tumbled to the ground in their neat, little semi-exposed square boxes. In the still-dark room, I pressed down on two of them.

"That was easy!" they exclaimed in unison.

I ignored their mocking and grasped the brass ring. It was actually a super jumbo Twix bar.

'I'll save this for later,' I thought. It occurred to me for the first time since my ordeal had begun that I was starving. I put the super jumbo Twix bar in my pants pocket and fumbled around momentarily. Then I felt them. Batteries. Multi packs of them dangling from their hooks like ripe cherries. I reached up frantically and grabbed several packs at once. I found one that contained the D size, ripped it open, extracted them and inserted them in the flashlight. Its powerful spotlight illuminated the ceiling. I was stunned. I lay on the floor switching it on and off several times. Then I waved it around frantically yelling: "Look what I have created! I have made artificial light!" Then I beat my chest like a caveman.

I stood up and shone the light on the counter. I saw the little phone that the cashiers use. I walked around to the cashier's side of the counter and picked up the phone. There was a keypad on it, so I dialed 911.

"Hello? Hello?" I heard my voice echo throughout the store. It was nothing but an intercom. I pushed more buttons, but all I could hear was myself pushing buttons.

"See? I told you so," said the little asshole voice in my head.

"That's it! I've had it with you!" I screamed hitting myself in the head with the flashlight to quiet the voice. Rubbing my head to soothe it, I thought to myself that at least I could look around and see if there were any other phones that I could use. The voice started to say something then thought better of it.

I wandered over to the computers and the printers and the scanners and the...cell phones. Dozens of them, red ones, blue ones, white ones. There were probably other colors but red, white, and blue pretty much exhausts my knowledge of the color spectrum. All of the phones were attached to security wires so they couldn't be removed from the display. None of them worked, of course.

I decided I should try the front doors in the off chance they didn't lock from the inside. No luck. I was locked in.

"Well, I'm famished," I said. "Let's see what they have to eat around here." Actually, there was quite a lot to choose from. A giant plastic bottle of pretzels, cheese curls, Twizzlers and all the Arizona Iced Tea a boy could want. I gathered up a comely selection of comestibles and wandered over to the furniture section where I found a nice chair and desk set.

'I need something to read,' I thought. So I made my way back to the front of the store and selected a "Maxim" magazine (half concealed!) and a book entitled "Work One Day a Week and Make Millions," a philosophy to which I have always subscribed. I returned with my reading material to where I had spread out my meal, and sat down to an enjoyable supper.

I sat there for a very long time reading and munching. I don't know quite how long, but when I looked up I noticed that the pretzel bottle was only about one third full. If it had been an hourglass, it probably would have represented the passage of a lots of time.

The chapters in "Work One Day a Week" were pretty short. I was able to make it to Chapter 5: "Who Cares What Your Neighbors Think?" when the voice, which I thought had been knocked unconscious by the flashlight, suddenly piped up.

"I'm bored," it said.

For the first time, I agreed with the voice. I was bored.

'I'll play with the computers,' I thought.

"Why not play with computers?" asked the voice.

"That's what I just said," I said.

"No, that's what I just thought," said the voice.

I played with all the computers. I got bored again. Then I experimented with fonts and type size. It occur ed to me that I could make a very bold message by spelling out a phrase -- one word per screen -- that could be read in its entirety on all the computers lined up in a row on the back wall. In very large letters, I spelled out: HELP! - I - CAN'T - FIND - ANY - PORN - IN - HERE -.

By now, I was getting pretty tired, so I wandered back to the furniture section and chose the most luxe chair I could find. It was comfortable, but it didn't allow for me to stretch out, so I went looking for materials to make a suitable bed. I walked up and down three or four aisles with my flashlight, scanning the shelves with not much luck, until I came to the packing supply section. A few very large roles of bubble wrap laid out on top of each other made a very comfy and poppin' fresh mattress. Another role served nicely as a blanket. A bag of packing peanuts served as a pillow.

Before long (but immediately following short) I was off to Dreamland. Dreamland was, in fact, an anxiety-prone place. I dreamed I was stuck in a bowl of Rise Krispies, and every time I tossed and turned, they went "snap, crackle, pop!' Then I dreamed I was walking around a big store wearing nothing but see-thru bubble wrap and everybody was staring and pointing at me. Then I dreamed that my car was being towed. I was jolted awake.

Dawn was breaking. Out of the corner of my eye, I had the sensation of activity in the parking lot. I grabbed my flashlight and ran to the windows at the front of the store. I pressed my nose to the glass and saw a tow truck pull up to my brother's car. A man got out of the truck -- the driver I assumed. I started banging on the glass. He couldn't hear me; I was too far away. Then I tried Morse Code by turning the flashlight on and off several times rapidly in succession. Of course, I don't really know Morse Code, and for all I know, I was spelling out: "I want to make wild love to your mother." The chances were slim that I had actually spelled out anything, or that even had I done so, that a tow truck driver cheerfully hooking chains to my brother's car in a Staples parking lot at 5 in the morning had any better knowledge of Morse Code than did I. Nevertheless, the scintilla of a chance that this very large man would take offense at the faint dots and dashes emanating from inside the store enraging him to the point that he would smash his way inside and suffocate me to death under the bubble wrap became something of an obsessive fear with me and I stopped with the Morse Code. It wouldn't have made much of a difference, in any event, because he couldn't see me anyway. His task completed, he whistled a happy tune, jumped in his truck, and drove away with my brother's car in dragging behind.

"I'm tired," said the voice in my head. "I think I'll go back to bed."

"That's the smartest thing you've said all night," I said.

I shuffled back to my bubble wrap (after grabbing another book so that I could read in bed). The book I grabbed was entitled "Manage other People Effectively -- Even if Your Own Life is a Mess." For some strange reason, as I started to read, I felt at peace. I returned to Dreamland, where I dreamed about a train going into a tunnel, followed by a dream about a cigar, followed by a dream about being unprepared for a test and yadia yadda yadda, the usual.

The next time I awoke, all of the lights were on in the store and I heard laughing and talking; the morning crew had arrived to open up. It suddenly occurred to me that I could be arrested for trespassing or something, so I made a mad dash for the Men's room (the place where it all began) so that I could hide in there and then causally emerge when other shoppers had arrived, thus blending in with the crowd. Of course, I was careful to take the bubble wrap with me, and I also remembered to clean up my dining area in the furniture section so as not to leave any telltale traces. It wasn't easy stuffing everything into the Men's room trash can, but somehow I managed.

I waited in there for quite a while making mental notes about the tips I was learning from "Manage Other People Effectively." Not until I thought it was safe to come out did I do so, as I did not wish to do so until it was safe to do so. So I did so.

I strode confidently back to the front of the store sidestepping the unusually large group of customers gathered around the computer screens along the back wall. I made my way to the exit, and just as I was about to step into the bright sunshine, the electronic alarm sounded followed by a loud recorded voice that announced: "We're sorry. Apparently we have failed to remove the tags from your item. Please return to the cashier to complete your purchase."

I froze. The electronic alarm kept sounding. A lovely young lady security guard walked up to me.

"Sir, would you step over here, please?" she asked professionally.

"I didn't do anything," I said combatively.

"What's that in your pocket?" she asked.

I remembered the super jumbo Twix bar.

"Nothing. I'm just happy to see you," I said.