Help Wanted

Philosopher King

We are a small benign protectorate nestled between the Carpathian Mountains and some very fine outlet stores. We have an immediate opening for an absolute ruler.

We have a stable mostly homogeneous population, which includes contented and subdued ethnic minorities populating many picturesque hamlets. Our protectorate was established in 1519 on the fringes of the Holy Roman Empire, when the Holy Romans were distracted by a resurgence of an ancient blood feud between the Visogoths and the Osopreps. Occupied throughout its history by every European power except Liechtenstein (for which it is not named), it became a sovereign state in 1806 during the Peripatetic Wars (so called because they moved around a lot). In 1815, it joined the Junior League.

Despite our small size (we are smaller than Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Hawaii combined), and lack of a single natural resource, or commerce, or industry, or calling plan that provides for free, unlimited minutes on nights and weekends, we have developed into a prosperous, barter economy with a vital customer service sector and the second highest per capita income in the world (after Liechtenstein). The maximum tax rate is 1% and the minimum tax rate is 0% (with the vast majority of the population opting for the minimum rate).

Requirements: The successful candidate will have a minimum of 5 years' experience having everything they touch turn to gold in spite of themselves (sort of like Chauncey Gardner in Jerzy Kosiński's "Being There"). Experience ruling a protectorate, while helpful, is not necessary; we will train. An associates degree or equivalent and impeccable references are required.

Job Description: The philosopher king serves as the Guardian of the Kallipolis (a made-up word with no meaning). Principal duties include: Cancelling elections, dismissing Parliament, demanding the resignation of the entire Cabinet, feuding with once friendly and loyal prelates, hypothesizing, equivocating, tergiversating, appeasing the masses with panem et circenses, and, of course, philosophising. Duties also include waving to adoring crowds from a balcony and some light typing. A pleasant telephone manner is a must.

Reports to: absolutely no one.

Benefits: We offer two weeks of paid vacation after the first year of service and three weeks after two years, and so forth. Vacation must be completed within two weeks, including transportation, and may not be combined with any other offer of employment. Blackout dates apply. Vacation must be taken in Liechtenstein. We contribute up to 40% of medical, 50% of dental, 60% of mental, and so forth. We also provide a generous 401K plan (which, perhaps is not as generous as it appears at first blush, as we are on the barter system, as you may recall).

Please send resume and salary* requirements to:

P.O. Box 1
King of Prussia, PA 19406

or call:

1-888-IAM-KING (Mr. Jeffries)

1-800-IAM-BOSS (Ms. Hannigan)

*Examples of acceptable salary requirements include, but are not limited to: animal skins, sticks, rocks, rollover minutes, dried peas.

Rap for my Zayde

:

(Intro)

Uhh, uh-huh, yeah, yeah
Had gad ya
It's all about the Zuzim, eh, boychick?
Had gad ya
It's all about the Zuzim, eh, boychick?
Mensches, uhh

Verse 1-

(Puff Zayde)

Now...yo, lantzmen, yo ho and feh!
Hangin' wit the shiksahs every nite and day?
Wanna be kvetchers? Paper fetchers?
Shtarkers -- who be dippin in the Benz wit the feinschmeckers -- yo!
On the low from Ike in the Taurus
Tryin to get my yedayim on the Grants like Maurice
Yeah, livin' large, all that treif chazzerai
BLT and lobster: Am Yisroel Chai!
But don't knock me for tellin' ye to stop
Pretendin' we can't see your goishe kop
Fingerin' the tchatzkies in the Christmas Tree Shops
Don't give it a second thought (what?), party til you plotz!
Drek the halls with ham spiced with ein biseleh cumin
e-vite Mr. Golf Pro mit Farbisseneh Punim
He'll show up at the same time as the ol' Makhatunim
It's all about the Zuzim, eh, what?
I get a fifty pound fresser plate for the village klutz
Five carats on my luppers mit die Antwerp cuts
Fugged about the shomer schtick, you'll be glad you did
Boychick, I am tellin' ya, s'iz shver tzu zein a yid

Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Had gad ya
It's all about the Zuzim, eh, boychick?
Had gad ya
It's all about the Zuzim, eh, boychick?
Mensches, uhh


Verse 2-

(Judah-kiss)

I want a low-ridin' Lexus, so hot, I'm gonna schvitz
Drinkin' my plum brandy --say, what? my slivovitz
I miss Larry, Curly, Mo, I am so ferklempt
Got these lousy DVDs where Curly's always Shemp (huh!)
I'm so farblonjet
jus' wanna say "jet" (say what?)
jus' wanna "jet" to some place warm like, (uh!) Scottsdale

(Puff Zayde)

Whoa, Khaver, yo, Khaver, that's beyond the pale!

(Judah-kiss and Puff Zayde together)

Hoo Ha!

(Judah-kiss)

Yeah, yeah, keepin' it real, so hot I'm gonna melt
You got me so fermisht now, I'll do anything for gelt (Yo!)

I went to New Delhi, it aint so farshtinkener
But it aint so "new" and it got no good deli (Ironic!)
I asked for kasha varnishkeh; they give me calve's foot jelly!

(Puff Zayde)

Gevalt!

(Judah-kiss)

You tellin' me, Puff, it wasn't Second Avenue, and it wasn't haymish (uh!)
Gots to keep my homey's close, yo, gots to now, farshtay (uh!) ?
I can't come out to play now with no suicidal mane-ee (uh!)
Gots to hang with my mishpokhe
No more slummin in the souk (huh!)
You feel me, Hezbollah? (Yo!) You gettin' this, Hamas?
I got your number, Taliban, kush mir in tuchas

(Puff Zayde)

I'm kvelling, Judah Kiss, you lamden, (what?) Now that's Yiddisher kop!
Such shtik naches (huh!) It's all over the top.
I know it aint so easy, Kiss, I quote my Uncle Syd
"Ya gots ta keep on keepin' on, s'iz shver tzu zein a yid."

(Judah-kiss and Puff Zayde together):

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Huh! (say what?) Huh! (say what?)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Meshuggeneh!

(Judah-kiss): Say what?

Had gad ya
It's all about the Zuzim, eh, boychick?
Had gad ya
It's all about the Zuzimin, eh, boychick?

That's Real Life, Baby!

:
:
:
:

THE BRAVO NETWORK

(Home of Top Chef and Real Housewives)

[Redacted] MEMO

FROM: Brittney Silverstein, Asst. Vice Director of Program Development

TO: Megan Greenberg: Deputy Director of Mega-Revenue Enhancement

RE: Pitch for New Show in the 12 to 73 yr.-old demographic

DATE: Black Friday

CC: The Board

PRIORITY: High

_______________________________________________

The team reviewed a pitch for a new show from a Mrs. XXXXXX tentatively titled "Cooking on the Moon." The report and team reaction follow.

Synopsis: Contestants will vie for prizes based on their ability to follow recipes and create new and imaginative dishes to the satisfaction of a panel of aging celebrities. Unlike the the slew of other competitive cooking programs currently on air, this one will be shot entirely on location on the Moon. Contestants will shuttle back and forth between the Moon and Whole Foods each week in search of unique and exotic spices, and will be graded on their ability to execute typical sous chef tasks in near weightlessness.

At the end of each episode, the contestant with the lowest score will be told: "You've been 238,857thed." (a reference to the number of miles between Whole Foods and the Moon). This will be the tagline for the beautiful, but severe, hostess who, although she will know absolutely nothing about cooking, will take obvious delight in nixing the hapless amateurs who dare to expose their culinary shortcomings in front of an inter-stellar cable audience. (The tagline: "Houston, we have a problem," was considered briefly, but rejected, as it was surmised that the license fees would be exorbitant). The weekly loser will then be instructed to "Please put on your helmet, and return to the ship." The grand winner will win a year's supply of spices from Whole Foods.

Strategic Issues: BRAVO will need to partner with NASA to construct a permanent base on the Moon and to shuttle contestants, judges, crew, a studio audience, and thousands of pounds of material and fuel back and forth between Whole Foods and the Moon. Craft from the Space Shuttle program will have to be commandeered for programming purposes, and additional craft will have to be constructed to re-supply each shoot. Participants will need to be fitted out with gravity boots (which are still in the experimental stage at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory). The Network should be prepared to budget for these expenses, but will lobby NASA and Whole Foods to shoulder a portion of the costs.

Problems: Mrs. XXXXXXXX insists that all of the contestants and judges have "real lips and chins," and be "tattoo and piercing-free." She has also decreed that contestants speak in grammatically correct and complete English sentences. Moreover, she insists that contestants be articulate enough to express their disappointment and frustration without resorting to expletives, obviating the need for the high-pitched "censor" beeps that have become the hallmark of this Network. She also believes that the focus of the program should be about food and cooking, and not the "petty jealousies of shallow nitiwits whoring themselves out for their 15 minutes of fame."

Mrs. XXXXXXX demands that contestants not be expected to give fake "filler" interviews to nobody but the camera operators filming them (from a sideways angle), recounting with "stunningly banal detail" the "surprise challenge" that has just been revealed to the audience in the previous scene. Finally, Mrs. XXXXXXX insists that the ratio of heterosexual to homosexual judges be 2:1, and that there be no Canadians or judges with British accents.

Other Problems: While some degree of compromise is possible here, the team was unanimous in wondering aloud whether Mrs. XXXXXXX was from another planet for insisting that amateur chefs be tattoo and piercing-free. Further, she seems totally unaware of the Network rules mandating a minimum of 12 censor beeps per episode. Obviously, her insistence that heterosexual judges predominate on a reality cable show would cause costs to skyrocket (no pun intended!), as the pre-production people would need to triple or quadruple the numbers of applicants to find a qualified candidate. Finally, her insistence that contestants be able to construct complete and correct spoken sentences is not only unrealistic and absurd, it is laughable in the extreme, as is her notion that a cooking show should be forced to jettison the childlike personality conflicts between the semi-talented and the not-so-adept wannabees who deign to appear.

The team was stunned by the suggestion that there be no judges with British accents, and frankly, thought it exhibited the kind of jingoism that we assumed had been relegated to the dustbin of history. Aside from the obvious undertones of discrimination and unfairness in her putative condition precedent, implementing such a protocol, even if it were humanly possible (which, of course, it is not) would be a logistical nightmare.

Action Plan: Despite the obvious flaws in Mrs. XXXXXXX's vision (which, at times, contribute to a science fiction fantasy of what is and is not possible to pull off on television today), the team decided that her core idea was still sound, and agreed to ready production for a series pilot, after securing the rights from Mrs. XXXXXX upon payment of adequate consideration. The team thought that having a Gordon Ramsey-like instructor berating contestants by taking them outside the base and pushing their inedible concoctions into their faces would be a classy touch, and we are studying ways that this can be accomplished without having the food fly off the handle, so to speak, and up into a perpetual orbit around the Moon. That, of course, is the easy part; getting someone who pushes plates of food into people's faces with the same panache as Gordon Ramsey has (AND who DOESN'T have a British accent!!!), does seem a pretty tall order.

While the the gravity boots are being perfected and the Moon Base is under construction, it was agreed that Toronto would serve as a stand-in for the Moon, and filming would commence there immediately. However, the proposed title, "Cooking on the Moon," seemed to the team to be stilted and hackneyed.

The team has approved a working title we think better suited to programming of this genre: "Boo-Yah!"

CURRICULUM VITAE

Objective: To be restored to rightful place among high and mighty in the global community of potentates.

Education

ROYAL KING'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED AND RICH BOYS

Dean's List (nominated [by mother]) 1,2,3,4

National Humor Society: 1,3,4

Red Rover: 1, (co-vice captain), 3

Milk Carton Marshal: 3

Hall Monitor: 2,4

Eraser Cleaner-Assistant: 2,3,4



KING'S FAMILY MEMBERS SECONDARY SCHOOL

Chess [equipment manager] 2,4

Newspaper (hawker) 1,2,3,4

Student Government (interrupter of speeches while wearing beret at jaunty angle and screaming in reverent yet wistful tones of Che Guevara, Castro (Fidel, not Raoul!), Noam Chomsky, Hugo Chavez, Lenin, Lenny Bruce, and Abba): 4

International Friendship and Sleeping Late Society: 3,4

Poetry Slam: 4 (Honorable Mention: "Most Incomprehensible Rant")

Leadership Council (on standby) 1,2,3,4

Stand Up: 2

Cafeteria: 3

Soccer: 2

Voted: "Most likely to realize pitfalls of truancy and sloth"



ON-LINE UNIVERSITY OF THE EAST

Laude

King's Prize for Study of Coos, Coups, and Coops. Thesis: "How Some Chickens Suffocate the 'Boss' Chickens to Overthrow the Counter-Revolutionary Power Structure, Escape from Their Cages, and Live Among the Pigeons -- a Machiavellian Interpretation."

Cafeteria: 4




ON-LINE UNIVERSITY OF THE EAST -- POST GRADUATE

Coursework.

Master's (All but thesis and 397 course hours).

Thesis: TBD -- "To be Determined" (actual name of thesis).



PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE

Appointed deputy to the undersecretary for intergovernmental affairs. (re-appointed 5 consecutive terms [except year 3 -- recovering from shingles])

Appointed Assistant to Secretary General for External and Internal Government Affairs. (3 consecutive years)

Appointed Secretary General of the Particular Assembly

Appointed Clerk of the General Assembly

Assumed Control of the Government amidst the chaos of the "Pool Coup" (a/k/a the "Chicken Revolt" of Aught Four).

Ruled with an Iron Fist but a human face while taking the nation to Hell in a Hand Basket. Allowed dozens of political prisoners to write postcards to Amnesty International, provided they reimbursed the government for postage.

Elected as "Observer" to the United Nations Human Rights Council by the other despots on the Council.

Exalted as "Dear Leader" by the Great Pool Hall of the People for unilaterally canceling the diplomatic mission's NYC parking tickets.

Deposed in the Bourgeois Revolt of Aught Eight (a/k/a: the "Pigeon Revolt").

INTERNATIONAL COURT OF JUSTICE, THE HAGUE

Exonerated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (on all but 19 of the most serious charges of human rights violations). On appeal.



PUBLICATIONS

"How Some Chickens Suffocate the 'Boss' Chickens to Overthrow the Counter-Revolutionary Power Structure, Escape from Their Cages, and Live Among the Pigeons," Roadside Stand Review, Spring, Vol. 4



AWARDS

Spider Solitaire -- Top 9 scorer under nom de guerre of "Guerre."



OTHER SKILLS

WebPro -- Intermediate level

Texting (very fast while driving)



REFERENCES

Upon request to the United Nations Human Rights Council


FAVORITE SONG

"Dancing Queen"

Please Register for Our Website

Create an Account. It's free! It only takes a few moments to read the first two questions.


STEP 1

Name ________________________________

(Why do we ask for this information? -- See below)*

We're Sorry, that name is already in use. Please change your name_____________________________

Nickname_____________________________**

Mother's Maiden Nickname__________________

Username________________________________

Name of the guy who played the character of "Ugarte" in Casablanca ___________________________

Name of your favorite movie ________________________

Why did you write "Casablanca?" That's so overdone, plus, it's copying _________________________________

Hey, did you see that French movie with Juliette Binoche? It's pretty good ___________________________________

D.O.B.________________________________________

B.O.D._________________________________________

B.D.O._________________________________________

O.B.D.__________________________________________

D.B.O.__________________________________________

Last 4 digits of social security number ________________

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First 3 digits of social security number_________________

What was your name again? ________________________

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* We ask you for your name because this is a normal social convention which has been around for quite a while, stretching as far back as speech itself. What do we do with your name? We roll it, and pat it, and mark it with a "B."


** If your name is already "Nick," please leave this form blank.


STEP 2

CREATE A PASSWORD

Now it's time to create your password. A password should be not too long and not too short. I want it to be a soft green. Not as blue-green as a robin's egg. -- No. But not as yellow-green as daffodil buds. Now, the only sample I could get is a little too yellow. But don't let whoever does it get it too blue. - No. - It should be a sort of grayish yellow-green. Not just yellow. A very gay yellow. Something bright and sunshiny. I tell you, if you'll send one of your workmen to the grocer for a pound of their best butter and match that exactly, you can't go wrong. But I don't want the password to match any colors of the flowers.

There are some little dots in the background.
And it's these dots I want you to match. Not the little greenish dot near the hollyhock leaf. But the little bluish dot between the rosebud and the delphinium blossom. Is that clear?

Your password should contain 1 upper case letter, and that letter should be "R." It should also contain 1 lowercase letter, and that letter should be "o." It should also contain 2 more lower case letters: "n" and "g." Your password should not contain any other letters or numbers or smudges. No, see, there's a smudge at the bottom. What did I tell you?

Type your new password here ______________________

Do not tell your password to anybody ________________

What is your password? ___________________________

Should you forget your password, we will ask you a security question. If you answer the question correctly, we will e-mail you your password at the email address you provided.

Security Question

I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 9. Can you guess it?


STEP 3

You're almost done!

Please read our "Disclaimer" and click here to indicate that you have done so: _______________

Now go back and actually read it. We saw you pretending to read while mumbling under your breath and counting to 30 silently, but you weren't really reading.

God, that's so childish.

STEP 4

ERROR: All fields marked with a * are mandatory

ERROR: Value of Name cannot be greater than 7 in the Gematria

ERROR: D.O.B. cannot be fake. Nobody believes you're still in your 30s, so give it up, already.

ERROR: Username, Name, and Password can't all be the same name.

ERROR: Password may not contain the letters a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,p,q,s,t,u,v,w,x,y, or z, or the numbers 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0 or the characters !,@,#,$,%,%,^,&,*,(,),_,+,=,{,},|,[,],\,:,",:,or '

ERROR: Password may not be stupid.


STEP 5

Please type the following scrambled letters: wasTEoftiMEthisIS.

STEP 6

Credit Card Information

Name on Credit Card ______________________

Color of Credit Card_______________________

Is the magnetic strip on the back of Credit Card shot? ___

Why don't you replace it? _________________________

Why do you keep walking around with a defective card? __



STEP 7

You're almost done!

Would you like to receive our newsletter? ______

Would you like to receive spam mail? _____

How much spam mail would you like to receive? ______

Where should we send your spam mail? ______

If no one is home, may we slip the spam mail under the door? _______________________________________

STEP 8

Please choose the characterization that best describes you:

Pleasantly dull _______________________________

Harmlessly dull ______________________________

Boring and dull_______________________________

An unmitigated dullard_________________________

STEP 9

You're practically done!

Please complete the following:

_____________________

_____________________

_____________________


STEP 10

By the way, no one understood that last blog post. It was lame, and no one got it.

A propósito, nadie entendió que esto dura el poste de blog. Era cojo, y nadie lo consiguió.

À propos, personne n'a compris que cela dure le poste de blog. C'était boiteux et personne ne l'a reçu.

Übrigens verstand keiner, dass das Blog-Posten dauert. Das war lahm, und keiner bekam es.

ביי די וועג, קיין איין אַנדערסטוד אַז לעצט בלאָג פּאָסטן. עס איז געווען לאָם, און
קיין איין גאַט עס.


ERROR

Your form has timed out. Please reset the form.

What Part of "No," Do You Not Get?

Oui, nous n'avons aucune banane. Nous n'avons aucune banane aujourd'hui.
Oh, oui! nous n'avons aucune banane. Nous n'avons aucune banane aujourd'hui.


Sí, no tenemos ningunos plátanos. No tenemos ningunos plátanos hoy.
¡Ah, sí! no tenemos ningunos plátanos. No tenemos ningunos plátanos hoy.



Ja, wir haben keine Bananen. Wir haben keine Bananen heute.
Oh, ja! wir haben keine Bananen. Wir haben keine Bananen heute.


Sì, non abbiamo le banane. Noi non abbiamo le banane oggi. Oh, sì! non abbiamo le banane. Noi non abbiamo le banane oggi.



Sim, não temos nenhuma banana. Não temos nenhuma banana hoje.
Oh, sim! não temos nenhuma banana. Não temos nenhuma banana hoje.


Да, мы не имеем никаких бананов. Мы не имеем никаких бананов сегодня.
О, да! мы не имеем никаких бананов. Мы не имеем никаких бананов сегодня.



No Coward Soul Is Mine

No coward soul is mine,
No trembler in the world's storm-troubled sphere:
I see Heaven's glories shine,
And faith shines equal, arming me from Fear.

O God within my breast,
Almighty, ever-present Deity!
Life - that in me hast rest,
As I - Undying Life- have power in Thee!

Vain are the thousand creeds
That move men's hearts, unutterably vain;
Worthless as withered weeds
Or idlest froth amid the boundless main,

To waken doubt in one
Holding so fast by Thine infinity;
So surely anchored on
The steadfast rock of immortality.

With wide-embracing love
Thy Spirit animates eternal years,
Pervades and broods above,
Changes, sustains, dissolves, creates and rears

Though Earth and moon were gone,
And suns and universes ceased to be,
And Thou wert left alone,
Every Existence would exist in Thee.

There is not room for Death,
Nor atom that his might could render void:
Thou - Thou art Being and Breath,
And what Thou art may never be destroyed.

The Film Review

SURPRISE

Rated R.

Now showing in wide release.

Starring Tammy Olsen, Ricky Olsen, Suzie Olsen, Hans Olsen, Ols "Olsen" Olsen, Monica Olsen, and one half of the Olsen Twins.

Directed by Harold Olsen.

Screenplay by Harold Olsen and Pincus Mandelbaum


by S.S.


At the end of this film, Chloe leaves Phil.
Judson doesn't end up getting picked for the team. Sydney doesn't die (although you are led to believe she will). We care about these people so much that it is gratifying to discover how they all turn out.

Here is a film about groups of people who lead parallel lives. The purpose is to fool the viewer into thinking that the various characters will cross paths. Ultimately, they don't. The characters are always on the verge of running into each other, and this enhances the suspense.

One of the film's big secrets is that Olga is not really Russian. It turns out she was born and raised in the Bronx. But the director wants us to believe she is a spy, and he really has us going with this for most of the movie. The joke's on him, though, because she's totally American, as we discover when she is stuck in a cafe in Brighton Beach unable to communicate with anybody around her because, ironically, she is the only one in the room who doesn't actually speak Russian. This is that "terrifying moment of awkwardness" that other reviewers allude to but refuse to discuss in detail for some reason.

There are several smaller characters, including a bakery owner, a candlestick maker, a tinker, and three men in a tub who, as it turns out, are not an allegory for anything. This part of the film is just a shaggy dog story -- cleverly planted there to confuse us.

And it works. We are absolutely shocked when kindly old Mrs. McGillicuddy next door is revealed to be the murderer, not Sampson, wrongly convicted and moments away from an execution in a capital punishment state that I won't name so as not to spoil the fun. Of course, Mrs. McGillicuddy is the last person you'd suspect, but that's what makes this such a great film.

This movie has everything. Suspense. Twists. Turns. Mud. Puddles. Mud puddles. And more! There's even a trick in the closing credits. The screenwriter's daughter's name -- Narnia -- is spelled out 5 times in 5 different places in the cartoon of the old man holding the scroll. They're in his beard. See if you can spot them.

Drive, don't take a taxi to see this movie.

SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen the film, don't read this review.

The SAT Practice Exam

Critical Reading

Sentence Completion

In this section, choose the words and phrases that best complete the sentences below.


1. When asked to "go ________ herself," Brett replies “Not tonight, I have a ________.”


A. and figure it our for . . cooking show to watch on TV
B. pay . . World War II documentary to watch on TV
B. correct . . a pot with water I’m trying to boil to watch
B. excuse . . .funny feeling I might miss something, like dessert or something
A. to the grocery store . . .cooking show – season finale – to watch on TV.


2. Because gathering truffles is such a______________ process, they are sold in supermarkets at ___________ prices.

A. European girlie man . . .ambiguous
A. he-man. . .firm
A. European girlie man . . .ambiguous
A. bitter . . .penniless
E. European girlie man . . .ambiguous


3. His_____________nature allowed him to see what others could not see.

A. pessimistic
B. optimistic
C. solipsistic
D. narcissistic
E. Supercalafragilistic


4. Before they ______________ their camping trip on Friday, they went to the mall to purchase some _____________ including insect repellent and a flint.

A. got a divorce as a result of . . things to kill each other with,
B. fled in terror from. . .running shoes and other stuff,
C. nearly burnt a forest to the ground during. . . accelerants,
D. abandoned all hope of ever having a good time on . . . things that they clearly did not know how to use,
E. went insane while on . . . things that insane people find amusing.


Passage Based Questions

As he approaches his first tree of the day, S. Mohan presses his calloused palms together and bows his head.
“Oh God, I am climbing the coconut tree,” he whispers. “Protect me from harm.”
With no safety gear beyond a strap of palm frond tied around his ankles, he launches himself onto the tree’s arcing trunk, which rises dozens of feet into the air. With a swift series of spider-like maneuvers, he is at the top of the tree within seconds, slicing the nuts from their stems with a heavy blade he carries tucked into his loincloth.
One misstep and he would surely fall, as much as 100 feet to the ground.

5. In the above passage, what is Mr. Darcy’s primary motivation?

A. Sex
B. Drugs
A. Rock ‘n Roll
C. There is nobody named Mr. Darcy in the above passage.
C. Had you bothered to read the above passage, you would have known that.


6. The passage describes coconut-picking as something that is:

A. not unlike gathering truffles
B. somewhat similar to gathering truffles
C. about as far removed from gathering truffles as you can get
D. something that Mr. Darcy would not think of doing.
E. What's the 411 about you and Mr. Darcy, anyway?

7. In the final sentence of paragraph 3 the author expresses:

A. breast milk
B. Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww
C. None of the below
D. Some of the above
E. All of the below

Math

Multiple Choice

8. Irving is on a north-bound commuter train moving at an average speed of 80 miles per hour (because miles per hour is one of the few things left that the Socialists haven't ruined yet in this country), trying to get into the snack bar which is jammed with illegal immigrants not speaking English, fingering their newly-issued driver's licenses while on their way to class at the state university courtesy of the subsidized in-state tuition that the fellow travelers in the legislature have just foisted on the taxpayers. Which of the following correctly expresses the relationship between the value of a Hostess cupcake in the train's snack bar and a Twinky at the newsstand in the station?

A. x > y > z
B. x + y = z
C. x - y = z
D. z + z + t + o + p
E. Secret lovers.

9. A piggy bank contains 300 pennies, 45 nickels, and 132 quarters. If the number of pennies is reduced by 50% and the number of quarters is increased by 25%, what is the probability that the newspaper delivery-person will miss the house again next Sunday?

A. Oh, pretty high, I'd say, based on past performance
B. 1 in 8
C. They won't miss the house; they'll deliver the wrong paper
D. 1 in 1
E. in 1 1

10. Which of the following represents the greatest value?

A. gold ("it's never been worth zero!")
B. silver (that's right, silver!)
C. stocks
D. credit default swaps
E. 3 * the product of the smallest two odd numbers

11. If 5x = 1 and y/2 = 3, then

A. I'm a monkey's uncle
B. I'm a monkey's cousin twice removed
C. I'm not related to a monkey, even though we have the same last name
D. This is a trick question because the equation isn't
E.IhatemathIhatemathIhatemathIhatemathIhatemathIhatemathIhatemathIhatemathIhatemath

12. A child is presented with 20 books. She can choose any 3. How many possible combinations of 3 books are there, and which books will she choose?

A. 60 -- Harold and the Purple Crayon, The Autobiography of Malcom X, The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
B. 40 -- The Autobiography of Harold, The Autobiography of Harold and Maude, The Autobiography of the Purple Crayon
C. 90 -- The Autobiography of Some Guy, Bartholomew and the Oobleck, The Autobiography of the Oobleck
D. 120 -- The Color Purple, Harold and the Color Purple, the Purple Goat
E. 3 -- Six Characters in Search of an Author, Nine Authors in Search of an Agent, A Book in search of a Reader.

Improving Sentences

Read the sentence below and then choose the most appropriate replacement from the choices presented.

13. Ethics, finding it confusing, is a subject avoided by many law students who go on to practice law.

A. Always get the money up front.
B. Round up when billing.
C. Paper the file with CYA letters.
D. Blame all mistakes on the secretary.
E. Because ethics is a confusing subject, many law students who go on to practice law find it is a subject best avoided.


Improving Paragraphs

(1) Most people realize that regular exercise is utterly pointless. (2) The "exercise" fad is a scam pushed by the treadmill lobby. (3) Intense exercise can harm the endorphins and pixies who reside in the brain. (4) All of these are compelling reasons to sue your personal trainer. (5) Of course, if, like the vast majority of people who have seen their wealth reduced and, in some cases, their lives devastated by the criminals who brought us the financial crisis, worrying about a personal trainer is hardly a top priority right now. (6) In addition, people who exercise regularly may well live in a part of town that the government utterly ignores so that, they are constantly running just to keep away from the thugs who hang out on the corners.

14. Sentence 4 would make the most sense if placed:

A. under a quilt
B. after Sentence 1
C. Hint: If you answered "B," try not to pin too many hopes on getting into college.
D. after Sentence 7
E. yeah, we noticed that, too.

15. In context, which of the following revisions should be made to sentence 2?

A. Add "kick" after "can."
B. Add "Be it now enacted" to the beginning of the sentence.
C. Combine sentences 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 to make one really huge sentence.
D. Change "can" to "can't"
E. Delete the word "mental."

Essay

16. War -- what's it good for?

Assignment: Prepare an essay explaining what war is good for. Your essay should contain at least 39 things that war is good for.

Answer Key:

1. Correct Answer: E
Explanation: E is the most logical choice, because it's the season finale.

2. Correct Answer: A
Explanation: Do we really have to spell this out?

3. Correct Answer: E
Explanation: The sentence describes someone who is able to see the supercalifragilistic side of a situation. It's obvious.

4. Correct Answer: A-E
Explanation: There really is no wrong answer here.

5. Correct Answer: A
Explanation: When in doubt, choose A.

6. Correct Answer: B
Explanation: Sometimes when in doubt, choose B.

7. Correct Answer: D
Explanation: The final sentence of the passage expresses dismay about the fact that more people are having plastic surgery. It's very subtle. You have to look for the hidden clues.

8. Correct Answer: A
To answer this question, you have to lie down in a dark room for several hours. It's just a headache.

9. Correct Answer: A
Explanation: Again, obvious.

10. Correct Answer: A
Explanation: So they say on daytime TV.

11. Correct Answer: E
Explanation: So obvious.

12. Correct Answer: 1/2

13. Correct Answer: A. This is the first thing you learn.

14. Correct Answer: E
Explanation: At other times, when in doubt, choose E.

15. Correct Answer: D
Explanation: We're out of explanations -- and excuses.

16. Correct Answer: D

Test time: 18 minutes.

Pardon Me, Can You Spare Any Pessac Léognan?

The New York Times reports that a new Web site set up by the promotional body for the Bordeaux wine region of France, Le Wine Buff, invites readers to post questions and have them answered by wine experts during live "video chats." The idea is to allow clueless restaurant patrons visiting France (read "Americans") to practice ordering wines with a live person on-line so that they won't be humiliated by the sommelier in front of their date when they try the real thing in the flesh.

As the Times has noted, Bordeaux labels, with their "decorous chateaus, often depicted on the label, and complex hierarchies of quality," can seem intimidating. Like virtually all Americans, I am easily intimidated by French speakers and sommeliers, so I decided to give the video chat a shot.

Here's pretty much how it went:

Enjoy Bordeaux Website ("EBW")

Seth ("Seth")

___________________________________

EBW: Bonjour, J'mappelé Michelle.

Seth: Bonjur.

EBW: Peux-je vous aider ?

Seth: I'm sorry?

EBW: Peux-je vous aider ?

Seth: Why are you speaking French?

EBW: This is a French Website.

Seth: Well, it's very intimidating. Can you speak English? I came here to rehearse my Bordeaux wine skills, not be humiliated by some cyber waitress with an attitude.

EBW: Of course, Sir. What would you like to know about Bordeaux wines?

Seth: Well, suppose I'm in a a French restaurant in France and I want to order a French wine and pay for it with French money, what should I order that would wipe the sneer off the sommelier's face, cause the other diners to swoon, impress my date, and not cost anything?

EBW: What are you eating at this imaginary restaurant?

Seth: Oh, I don't know frogs legs..and grits.

EBW: Frogs legs and frites?

Seth: Yes. No, and grits.

EBW: Quels sont des grits?

Seth: Wait. I changed my mind. A souffle.

EBW: Un souffle ?

Seth: With frites.

EBW: Vous souhaitez commander un souffle avec les granulations?

Seth: Huh?

EBW: Sir, this is not a typical French meal.

Seth: Ok. never mind I'm not hungry. I'll just have a glass of wine.

EBW: You are not hungry?

Seth: I just want to have a glass of wine.

EBW: What would you like to have?

Seth: That's what I'm asking you.

EBW: Je ne comprends pas.

Seth: Je neither. Look, why don't you just rattle off the names of some wines, and when I hear the one I like, I'll order it.

EBW: You wish me to simply list the wines?

Seth: Yes please. And when I hear the one I want, I'll order it.

EBW: Very well. This is highly irregular.

Seth: Yes. Like many French verbs. Go ahead.

EBW: Very well, sir. We have Médoc, Haut Médoc, Margaux, Pauillac, Saint Estèphe, Saint Julien, Listrac,
Moulis, Saint Emilion, Cotes de Castillon, Cotes de Francs,
Pomerol, Fronsac, Cotes de Bourg, Graves, Pessac Léognan, Barsac, Sauternes, Premieres Cotes de Bordeaux, Bordeaux aoc/supérieur, Entre deux mers.

Seth: Wow. That's a lot. What was the first one you said?

EBW: Médoc.

Seth: Is it cheap?

EBW: It's fairly inexpensive, Sir.

Seth: Is it easy to pronounce?

EBW: Yes, sir.

Seth: Will my date be impressed?

EBW: In a manner of speaking.

Seth: Will the sommelier laugh at me?

EBW: No, sir.

Seth: Does it taste good?

EBW: Without question, sir.

Seth: Can I get it in a glass?

EBW: Yes, sir. That is how it comes.

Seth: Is that what you would order if you were me?

EBW: At this point, yes.

Seth: Are you just saying that to get rid of me?

EBW: No, sir. Médoc is a very fine wine. I enjoy it often.

Seth: Ok, I'll have one of those.

EBW: You want frites with that?

The Meeting Minutes

Board Members:

Present: Mrs. Fields, Mr. Clean, Mr. Goodwrench, Mr. Coffee, Mrs. Butterworth, Mr. Baskin, Mr. Robbins, Mr. Ben

Absent: Mr. Peanut, Ms. Jemimah

Quorum present? Yes

Others Present: Mr. Boyardee

Others listening in secretly and watching everything through a one-way mirror: Miss Kitty.

Proceedings:

· Meeting called to order at 7:00 p.m. by Chair, Mrs. Fields.

· Last month's meeting minutes were amended and approved - by Mrs. Fields, that is. Nobody else really approved of them. Mr. Boyardee thought they were ok, but he doesn't really have a vote, and everybody else is afraid of Mrs. Fields.

· Chief Executive's Report was read into the record.

- Mrs. Fields moved that the scandalous nature of the now not-so-furtive relationship between Mr. Clean and Mrs. Butterworth be discussed, which was seconded by Mr. Coffee. Mr. Clean tried to table the discussion, but he was restrained by Mr. Goodwrench with the assistance of Mr. Baskin and Mr. Robbins. Mrs. Butterworth attempted to voice an objection, but she was told to "simmer down" by Mrs. Fields. Mr. Boyardee said: "Ladies, Ladies, please! Can't we all just get along?" Mrs. Fields reminded him that he did not have a vote. Mr. Coffee remarked on the strange sound coming from behind the wall. Discussion ensued. By a vote of 5-2, it was agreed to continue the discussion at the next meeting. Mr. Boyardee's vote was disqualified.

-Mr. Coffee, exercising Mr. Peanut's proxy, and also attempting appropriate some of the former's savor-faire by sporting a fake monocle, obviously purchased from the toy aisle of a cheap drug store,  moved for a vote on nominating Miss Sara Lee to the Board. Mrs. Fields seconded the motion. Mr. Goodwrench said, "Ok, Let's vote." Mr. Clean said, "how can I vote with Mr. Baskin and Mr. Robbins sitting on my hands?" whereupon by a vote of 4-2, Miss Lee was nominated with Mr. Clean abstaining. Mr. Boyardee said that he would also abstain. Mrs. Fields explained to Mr. Boyardee that he could not abstain because he did not have a vote, and that, therefore, his abstention was meaningless. Mr. Goodwrench asked if anybody else heard that "mysterious shuffling sound." A discussion ensued. Mrs. Butterworth said she didn't hear anything, whereupon Mr. Clean was allowed to resume his seat.

Mrs. Butterworth moved that Mr. Boyardee be allowed to vote if he agreed to remove his big hat. Mrs. Fields voiced an objection. Mr. Boyardee said "It's not a big hat; it's called a 'toque.' " Mr. Coffee seconded Mrs. Butterworth's motion, but Mrs. Fields glared at him, whereupon he withdrew his second. Mr. Robbins suggested that Mr. Boyardee be excused if a vote was to be had on his admission to the board. Mrs. Fields said that no vote could be had on Mr. Boyardee's admission without a second to Mrs. Butterworth's motion. Mr. Goodwrench began to second the motion, but then, upon a glance from Mrs. Fields, appeared to have a coughing fit, and the second was not recorded. Mr. Baskin said, "What the devil is that sound?" No vote was held on Mr. Boyardee's admission. Mr. Boyardee voted "aye."


· Finance Committee report provided by Mr. Coffee:

- Mr. Coffee explained that consultant, Mrs. Tollhouse, reviewed the organization's bookkeeping procedures and found them to be in complete disarray. Mr. Clean said: "did you say incomplete disarray?" and Mr. Coffee said, "No. I said she found them to be in : complete : disarray." Then Mr. Clean said," what are the : : : for?" and Mr. Coffee said, I was trying to separate the words "in" "Complete" and "Disarray." Mr. Clean said "oh." Mr. Boyardee abstained. Mrs. Fields asked Mr. Boyardee what he thought he was abstaining from, as there hadn't even been a vote. Mr. Boyardee turned beet red. There was a muffled banging that seemed to be coming from the other room. A discussion ensued.

· Board Development Committee's report provided by Chair, Mr. Goodwrench

- Mr. Goodwrench reminded the Board of the scheduled retreat coming up in three months, and provided a draft retreat schedule for board review. He then moved that the retreat be moved up to tomorrow and that the Board pay itself huge bonuses so that everyone could have a rollicking good time at the retreat. Mr. Clean seconded the motion and Mrs. Butterworth thirded it. A vote was taken and the motion carried unanimously. Mr. Peanut and Ms. Jemimah, although absent, voted "yes" by speaker phone. There was a tapping from behind the wall. Mr. Coffee said, "Call me crazy, but it sounds like Morse code for: 'I also vote yes!' " Mr. Boyardee abstained.

· Other business:

- Porter noted that he was working with staff member, Jacob Smith, to help develop an information management systems plan, and that two weeks ago he (Porter) had mailed members three resumes from consultants to help with the plan. Mrs. Fields said, "Who the hell are you and where did you come from, and who is Jacob Smith?" Mr. Boyardee seconded the motion. A discussion ensued. Mr. Baskin said it sounded as though someone was doing jumping jacks in the next room.

· Assessment of the Meeting:

- Mr. Robbins noted that the past three meetings have run over the intended two-hour time slot by half an hour, and asked members to be more respectful about other people's time. Mrs. Fields thanked him for his opinion. A 45-minute long discussion ensued. Mr. Baskin said "who's making that snoring noise?"


· Meeting adjourned at 10: 45 p.m.

· Minutes submitted by Secretary, Jacob Smith.


Mr. Boyardee abstained.

The Birth of an Ad

The enormous popularity of the television program "Mad Men," about a Madison Avenue advertising agency in the early 1960s, has spawned renewed interest in the etymologies and etiologies of famous slogans and commercial campaigns. As very little so-called information on the Internet is trustworthy, this blog offers (as a public service), a reliable digest of backstories about some of the most noteworthy tag-lines in the culture.

Be sure to visit our sponsors.

And tell them "Grouchy" sent you.

Sara Lee Dials it Down

When the makers of America's favorite frozen cheesecake were first coming to market with their signature product, a forward-thinking young exec., fresh from Princeton, hit upon an idea that was radical, even revolutionary, for its time: be edgy. (Today, of course, even advertising for adult undergarments is "edgy," so the pendulum has definitely swung). When the idea was first proposed, the board of directors was scandalized, but decided, nonetheless, to give the young lad's slogan a shot.

"Everybody has a pole up their ass about something, but nobody has a pole up their ass about Sara Lee," lasted as a national campaign for exactly 48 hours before it was yanked and replaced with the now familiar pablum. The company went on to international superstardom. The young executive, meanwhile, was fired and, in fact, blacklisted from the industry. He died bitter and penniless.


Camel Cigarettes -- A Line Up In Smoke
The R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company, makers of Camel Cigarettes, had a very similar conundrum to that of Sara Lee when it launched its brand in 1913: How to make it instantly recognizable and unforgettable. A wag in accounting, who fancied himself an apprentice copyrighter, hit upon what he thought was an irresistible play on words. But because the country was much more puritanical then than it is now, "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" won out over "I'd hump a Camel." The latter did enjoy some mild success in a few foreign markets, but, bucking the common wisdom in the industry that "sex sells," Reynolds' "mile" version has gone the distance and stood the test of time.


We're in a Hell of a Jam

Sometimes, slogans are transferred from one company to the next for a whole host of reasons. Ernie and Ernesta Smuckers were a husband and wife team from Cleveland who invented what they thought was a sure-fire formula for a new 20th century soft drink: vinegar, honey, and lemon juice mixed with carbonated water. Even their clever title: "With a name like Smuckers... it has to be good" could not save their awful concoction. The company soon folded, but not before it sold its only valuable asset, its tag-line, to John and Mary Smith who had just started a jam company that they wished to distinguish.

Nuts to You

Another example of what advertisers call the "Transference Principle" occurred when American psychiatry was still in its infancy and unsure of its future. The American Psychiatric Association, stung by criticism that its members were pushing wildly divergent theories about the nature of sanity and mental illnesses, and confusing an already confused and skeptical public, was casting about for a feel-good saying that would allow the association to poke gentle fun at its own foibles and demonstrate to lay people that doctors were only human after all. But very few people were amused when the APA went with: "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." The slogan fell into disuse until the 1970s when it was sold to the Peter Paul Company, maker of the Almond Joy candy bar, where it lives to this very day.

The Old Meaning Was Dropped

Sometimes, slogans stay with the product, but the meaning evolves. When hot coffee was first invented, it was sold regularly in glass bowls with no handles. An eagle-eyed employee of the Folger's corporation noticed that most customers could not hold on to the product for long periods of time, and, in fact, frequently dropped the bowls. This was back in the lawless age of scant regulation, long before coffee companies began printing warning labels on plastic lids to dissuade otherwise unsuspecting souls from pouring scalding hot liquid into their laps. Thus, "Good to the last drop" was merely a reference to the annoying habit of dropping the coffee bowl onto the ground after it became too hot to handle. It was not until the ever-enterprising Folgers began promoting the use of mugs that the slogan became associated with the meaning we recognize today.

Break Fast of Champions

Similarly, Wheaties used to be sold as a specialty product only. It was marketed as a complete meal for the breaking of the Yom Kippur fast. "Break Fast of Champions" referred originally to persons who made it through the 25-hour fast without cheating. But because this particular specialty market is so small (and Yom Kippur comes but once a year), General Mills determined, early in the game, to switch to appeal to a broader audience. The company pitched the product as a breakfast cereal, and now champions referred, not to super fasters, but to super athletes and sports stars, like Mo Berg, Sandy Koufax, Red Auerbach, Sasha Cohen, and Mark Spitz.

That's All Folks

Warner Bros. uses this famous valediction at the close of its Looney Tunes cartoon and so do I here without permission. See ya, Doc.

Some Lesser-Known Poets of Classical China

The renown of the poets represented in this sampler has grown in recent years as scholars have re-evaluated the works contained therein and, in some cases, redefined such notions as "good," "bad," "mediocre," and "poetry."

Boi Tsu (497 B.C.E. - 423 B.C.E.)

Boi Tsu (whose nom de plume was "A Boi Named Tsu") was born and raised in the eastern province of Hejiang. For several years, he was court poet to the provincial minister until he was caught pilfering some joss sticks. As a result, he lost his court position and spent the rest of his days at the local joss stickery as a joss stick quality control engineer. He died bitter and penniless.

Good Dog

I have a canine*
His name is Tsu.
I will wager five yuan
He is a good canine, as well.

*Some translators render this as: "I have a dog."

___________________________________________

Fei Reh (437 B.C.E. - 323 B.C.E.)

Fei Was born to bitter and penniless parents in Kangding, the capital of the province of Xikang in what is now Sichuan. Due to her considerable beauty as a young woman, she was able to attract many suitors. Her parents consented to her marriage to a scion of a joss stick fortune. She was stingy, however, and her parents died bitter and penniless.


Kangding

Sweet and sour Pork slaughterer to the World (and parts of Tibet),
Joss stick Maker, Stacker of Rice,
Player with bullock carts and the Nation's joss stick Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
Kangding, City of the Big Shoulders.

They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I
Have seen your painted concubines under the moon lanterns
Luring the farm boys.

Pigtailed boys,
Shoveling the raw materials for joss sticks,
Wrecking the finished joss sticks,
Planning new joss stick formations,
Building, breaking, rebuilding (yes, joss sticks),
Laughing!
Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of
Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be sweet and sour pork slaughterer to the World
Joss stick Maker, Stacker of Rice,
Player with bullock carts and the Nation's joss stick Handler.

___________________________________________

Bai Wei (163 C.E. - 15 C.E.)

Wei Was born to wealthy industrialist parents. He aspired to be bitter and penniless because he thought this would sharpen his artistic skills. In an effort to shed his wealth, he Founded the Way of Wei School of Thought, sometimes referred to as the Bai the Wei School of Philosophy. Though he did achieve a state of penilessness and bittertude for a period, his poems (popularized by a famous singer of the day -- Fihn Seh No Truh) kept him in silk to the end of his days.

I Have Accomplished All Mai Wei

And now the end is close at hand
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I will articulate this clearly
I'll argue my case, I am certain to win it
I have lived a full life
I have travell'd each and ev'ry path, such as stone paths, dirt paths, and paths made of crushed joss sticks
And I have done ever so much more than this
I have accomplished all mai wei.

Regrets, I have had a small portion
So small, indeed, that I shall not speak of them.
I have done that which was required and completed my task without exception.
I have planned each course, each carfeful step along the bai weh.
And I have done ever so much more than this
I have accomplished all mai wei.


___________________________________

Hoi San (60 C.E. - 65 C.E.)

San (or "Uncle San," as he was known to his nephews and nieces) was most active during the War Between the Provinces, referred to by historians as the Civil War. When hostilities broke out between northern and southern provinces, the armies of the north (the "Blues" after their blue-tinted armour) tried to quell the rebellion of the southern armies (or the "Greys," for the color of their horses and shields). "Uncle San" (a figure on stilts with a long white beard) popularized by brush paintings of the period, came to symbolize the nation itself. The historic San, made wealthy by the sauces that he preserved in clay jars, travelled the countryside, rallying the bitter and penniless peasants to national unity. His song "Water Chestnuts," is regarded as the unofficial anthem of the War.

Water Chestnuts

Sitting by the roadside on a summer's day
Chatting with my comrades, passing time away
Lying in the shadows underneath the trees
Goodness, how delicious, eating water chestnuts.

Water chestnuts, water chestnuts, water chestnuts, water chestnuts
Eating water chestnuts
Goodness, how delicious,
Eating water chestnuts.

___________________________________________

Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum (dates unknown)

Scholars are not in agreement as to whether Mandelbaum belongs in this category. Some have suggested that he wasn't even Chinese. Others have pointed to tell-tale signs to the contrary, such as his overwhelming affinity for egg rolls, beef with broccoli, and Moo Goo Gai Pan; his business acumen (he owned a string of joss stick factories), and his family-centric ethos (his mother-in-law lived with him, his wife and children for years, and was said to rule the household with an iron fist).


Mother in Law

Greetings, citizens of Bejing.
It is gratifying to be among you again.
This is one of the dearest places to me.
Thank you, my friends, Thank you.

I have come here on this night to sing some words about my Mother in Law.
Ahh, the sound of one hand clapping.
I Thank you, rickshaw driver in the front row.
I sense the rest of you are not amused.
I shall now accelerate the pace.

Mothers in Law.
This subject has, perhaps troubled us all deeply.
Pinyin (nu?)
Am I not right?
May I see a collection of upstretched hands?

Who among us has not heard this this song?
May I see a collection of upstretched hands?
We all have a song to sing about our mothers-in-law.
Am I not right?
Am I not right?
That is all that I am saying.

Is there one among us from Hunan?
Ah, I see there are many among us from Hunan.
A beautiful place, Hunan
I sojourned a year there with my mother in law one day.
Thank you, my friends, thank you.
You are too kind.
I shall be among you each day this week.

I arrived at this place on
a bullock cart from Kangding, City of the Big Shoulders
They gave me a small sack of water chestnuts to eat and nothing more.
But I could not open the sack. Does it matter? Is a sack of water chestnuts a fit meal? I ask you.
When, in our glorious history, did it become acceptable to serve water chestnuts on a bullock cart?
I long for the time when dim sum could be obtained on the Kanding-to-Bejing cart.
Those were indeed days. One might say, they were THE days.
Am I not right?
Thank you, my friends.


But they showed me how to secure a strap so that I would not tumble from the cart. This, at the least, they did well (as though I did not know already how to use the bullock cart strap). Who amongst us does not know how to use the bullock cart strap? A Mongol, perhaps.
Am I not right?

And speaking of my mother in law,
If she were to move away from here
One would think I would shed more than one tear
But one would be incorrect.

Allow me to say about my mother in law.
When I say "no," she must say "yes."
All this I know, I need not guess.
I would go east if she went west.

And yet the Gods would say:
She brought forth your wife, she is your guest
You must not leave her in distress.
Thus, like a nice Chinese boy, I must do my best.

I shall have made for her the finest dress,
God forbid she should die bitter and penniless

Thank you, my friends
You are too kind.
I shall be among you each day this week.
You are beautiful.
And we shall have lunch together.

Your Conference Call-In Instructions

Your conference call is scheduled for Wednesday at 2:00 P.M. eastern time. To participate in this conference call, please follow these instructions:

1. Dial 1-888-KONFRNS

2. Enter your special code: I 8 A B: Use this mnemonic device to remember your special code: "I ate a bee" (ouch!).

3. Press the pound key 3 times.

4. Press the Star Key 2 times.

5. Press the 1 Key 1 times.

6. Wait for the recorded welcome.

7. Press the pound key 3 times.

8. At the prompt, announce your name.

9. Please do not pretend to be someone else by announcing a fake name.

10. Press the pound key 3 times.

11. If you hear the sound of a whippoorwill, you will know that you were routed to the correct conference call. If you hear the sound of a thrush, you have not been routed correctly. Should this occur, repeat step 6.

12. Press the pound key 3 times.

13. As each new participant joins the conference call, you will hear the computer host announce: "So and so has joined the conference call." It is highly unlikely that any of the participants will actually be called "So and so." This name is used as an example only.

14. After a few minutes of chit-chat and giggling with the other slackers, the computer host will announce that the group leaders have joined the conference call. This is your cue to be quiet. The group leaders are much smarter than you are, hence, their status as "leaders." Chances are, you will not have a clue what the group leaders are talking about. Lay low during their discussion and volunteer nothing. If you are asked to opine on anything, say: "I defer to so and so."

15. Do not doodle during the conference call. The other participants will sense that you are doodling.

16. If you must doodle during the conference call, do not draw a picture of yourself as a stick figure cutting off the head of the group leader with a large sword while saying "Ha!" and having blood spurt from the headless neck like a ridiculously over-charged fountain.

17. When the urge to refer to a group leader as a "schmuck," comes, as it will, deploy the "Mute" button.

18. Should you forget to deploy the Mute button while referring to a group leader as a "schmuck," pretend to be someone else by announcing a fake name.

19. When the group leaders announce that the conference call is over and begin to use phrases such as "goodbye everyone; thank you for your participation. The conference call is now concluded," hang up.

20. Press the pound key 3 times.

An Evening of Distinction

Some years ago, Claude Levi Strauss, Albert Einstein, and Groucho Marx gathered at a country house for dinner to discuss the issues of the day. Herewith, some recently unearthed excerpts of the Salon des Refusés to be Quiet:

Groucho: What time is it?

Einstein: Assuming that the equivalence principle holds, gravity influences the passage of time. Light sent down into a gravity well is blueshifted, whereas light sent in the opposite direction (i.e., climbing out of the gravity well) is redshifted; collectively, these two effects are known as the gravitational frequency shift. More generally, processes close to a massive body run more slowly when compared with processes taking place farther away; this effect is known as gravitational time dilation.

Groucho: Is that your final answer?

Levi Strauss: The wise man doesn't give the right answers, he poses the right questions.

Groucho: Let's try a new subject. If you're so smart, can you figure out how to get the salt out of this shaker?

Einstein: It's not that I'm so smart , it's just that I stay with problems longer.

Groucho: Well, how long have you been working on the salt problem? My steak is getting cold. Can you do something about it, already?

Einstein: Nothing that I can do will change the structure of the universe. But maybe, by raising my voice, I can help in the greatest of all causes -- goodwill among men and peace on earth.

Groucho: At the moment, goodwill among men doesn't seem so pressing a problem. After all, it's just the three of us here; we're all alone, and...

Levi Strauss: Just as the individual is not alone in the group, nor any one in society alone among the others, so man is not alone in the universe. Being human signifies, for each one of us, belonging to a class, a society, a country, a continent and a civilization; and for us European earth-dwellers, the adventure played out in the heart of the New World signifies in the first place that it was not our world and that we bear responsibility for the crime of its destruction.

Groucho: Huh? A child of five would understand this. Einstein, would you run out and fetch a five-year old child? I can't make heads or tails of Levi-Strauss.

Einstein: Your lack of understanding is a matter of perception. When a blind beetle crawls over the surface of the globe, he doesn't realize that the track he has covered is curved. I was lucky enough to have spotted it.

Groucho: Yes. But not lucky enough to notice that the roast is burning. Gentlemen, have we no respect for supper?

Levi-Strauss: The anthropologist respects history, but he does not accord it a special value. He conceives it as a study complementary to his own: one of them unfurls the range of human societies in time, the other in space.

Einstein: Did you say "space?"

Groucho: Oh no! I beg of you!

Einstein: A human being is a part of a whole, called by us 'universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

Groucho: Say, there's a knock at the door. I'll just see who it is...

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Why, look, everyone! It's Marcel Marceau! Say "hello," Marcel.


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Einstein: He doesn't use language?

Levi-Strauss: Language is a form of human reason, which has its internal logic of which man knows nothing.

Einstein: It seems Marcel Marceau is trapped in some kind of invisible box where time has slowed down. This brings to mind a paradox - for how can both the passenger on a moving train and another, his twin on the platform, both see each other's watches slow down? By using my general theory of relativity, which applies to non uniform motions like that of the train, one can demonstrate that the twin on the train has actually aged less. I discuss this in my book.

Groucho: From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Einstein: I have no particular talent. I am merely inquisitive.

Groucho: Speaking of which, shall we have a little music?

Levi-Strauss: Since music is a language with some meaning at least for the immense majority of mankind, although only a tiny minority of people are capable of formulating a meaning in it, and since it is the only language with the contradictory attributes of being at once intelligible and untranslatable, the musical creator is a being comparable to the gods, and music itself the supreme mystery of the science of man, a mystery that all the various disciplines come up against and which holds the key to their progress.

Groucho: Naturally. Well, gentlemen, I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Marceau, you can have this plate.