Friday, December 23, 2011

HOW TO TIP YOUR LAWYER



            As another year draws to a close, and the holidays descend upon us like ants or aunts or ahhnts, our thoughts turn to the ever-expanding list of supplicants dependent upon our favors to round out their seasonal revenue. While it is customary to bestow year-end bonuses on our treasured fellow citizens who collect the trash, deliver the mail, or throw the newspaper in the bushes, etc., many are unfamiliar with the social conventions governing the tender of gratuities to legal counsel. When, for example, is the gesture expected, and when might it be considered an affront to the profession? The issue is a minefield for those uninitiated with the peculiar cultural norms of the practice.

            Many people are surprised to learn, for example, that it is customary to add between 18% to 20% to a retainer check, which, of course, is handed over grudgingly before the counsel in question has done a single thing on your case or even billed for uttering the first “hello.” It is generally understood that such additurs, as they are known, are extended to give the attorney-client relationship that extra oomph, and, of course, as an advance reward for the inchoate impeccable service. Simply increasing the amount of the initial draft for deposit is frowned upon. The preferred method is to slip the coin of the realm into the breast pocket of counsel’s suit jacket, which is traditionally draped over a chair in the office (to expose the hard-at-work look of the rolled-up sleeves and/or the loosened tie) – but not in any denomination with a value less than 20, as smaller bills at the level of expenditure to which we have reference can become unwieldy and difficult to smush into a wallet.  Envelopes, of course, are optional, but the gesture will not go unnoticed.
 
If your lawyer spells your name correctly on correspondence, be prepared to extend a tip of between ten to fifteen per cent as a way of saying “job well done!” The same principle applies when your legal advisor pronounces all or most of the important syllables in your title while addressing a judge or opposing counsel, and, it goes without saying, vous, yourself.

The returned phone call also invokes the ten to twenty per cent rule, depending on the length and importance of the conversation and the number of days it took for the happenstance to materialize. Show your appreciation by sliding a stock certificate under the firm’s door or by propping a 36 year-old bottle of expensive scotch adorned with a festive bow against a wall in the waiting area next to the glossy magazines. Don’t forget to sign the card!

Many barristers (perhaps fancying themselves baristas on the sly) now populate the outer reaches of their desks (hard by the bronze-ish statuette of Lady Justice) with tip jars, thereby eliminating much of the awkwardness that once obtained.  And taking a cue from their homonymic comrades in the coffee purveying trade, the lawyers wrap these receptacles (id est, the tip jars) with cutesy legends, such as “college fund.” This is rarely to be taken in the literal sense, as it is to be hoped that your attorney did, in fact, attend an accredited institution of higher learning as a condition precedent to matriculating at law school, taking and passing the bar, and charging heaping gobs o’ dough for “file organization and review,” and suchlike. Put a little something (say $125) in the tip jar after an in-person consultation – more if the administrative assistant or paralegal actually offers you a cup of coffee before you leave.

When should a tip not be offered? When might counsel be prohibited from accepting such a gift?  According to Canon 7.4.3.2(a) of the Uniform Rules of Professional Conduct and Tipping – “Never!” This Rule was promulgated for the protection of the client to eliminate doubt and embarrassment. Take advantage of it. Circumstances vary, naturally, and you should always use discretion, as long as you don’t confuse “discretion” with being stingy.
  
   Just as is the case with any other guild, take care of counsel and counsel with take care of you. As it is written, “pay to play; pay to win!” Happy Litigating!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Home for the Halach Days

Another HIYLH original(ly plagiarized) Short:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btnJBQJqoY0

Friday, December 16, 2011

I told a lightbulb joke, and then everything went dark.

How many villages does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     I don't know.  How many?
It takes a village.
    Go on.
 What do you mean, "Go on?"
     What's the rest of the joke?
 What do you mean, "What's the rest of the joke?"  That's the whole joke.
     I don't get it.
What don't you get?
     It's stupid.
No it's not.  
      Yes it is.  It's not even a joke.
 Yes it is. 
     It doesn't even have a punchline.
 The joke is the punchline.
  That's ridiculous.  It doesn't work.   
So you don't like my jokes?
    How could I know ?  So far, you haven't told any jokes.
Maybe you weren't paying attention.
     If only that were so. 
Should I try another one? 
     Yeah, sure, OK, try another one.
How many lawyers does it take to screw over a light bulb?
     What is that?
That's a joke.
     That's not a joke. That's just stupid.  How is that possibly a joke?
I told you: joke-as-punchline.
     Again with this?
It's economical.  Joke and punchline rolled into one.  Reduces the carbon footprint.
     This is how you combat climate change?
I'm doing what I can.
     What if you just thought about the jokes? 
Ok, I got one more.
      Eegads!  Well, lay it on me, man.
How many light bulbs does it take to screw up an inn?
      Even though it looks like I'm crying on the outside, I'm laughing on the inside.
I'm plumb out of jokes.
      Well I guess I better go home and lie down now.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Case Notes For Inconsequential Product Liability Actions

Paper Cut from Envelope; Physical Injuries; Emotional Distress
Cutty v. Sark (4th. Appellate Dist. Ct. 2009): Plaintiff sustained a significant paper cut to his left index finger (requiring a cold compress but no stitches) after attempting to open an envelope from his auto insurer without using a letter opener. The plaintiff also claimed to have suffered emotional distress after reviewing his insurer's announcement of a threefold increase in the premium notwithstanding that the vehicle was a "lemon" and was used mostly for short jaunts and for leaking oil onto the driveway. The trial court allowed defendant's motion to dismiss on all counts.
Held: No right of recovery for the finger injury because envelopes are inherently dangerous products, and plaintiff assumed the risk of injury by failing to use proper tools. No recovery for emotional distress; plaintiff failed to show but-for causation as his car was an embarrassment to the neighborhood.
Puncture “Grazing” from Pencil; Lost Wages
Schlemiel v. National Pencil Purveyors (2nd Dist. Ct., Appellate Div. 2011): Plaintiff, a clerk in the state benefits office, was “gesticulating” wildly with one of defendant’s products for emphasis, and stabbed himself in the right wrist (he was right-handed), grazing a minor artery. Consequently, plaintiff, who, in his professional capacity, required his right wrist to stamp “REJECTED” on various citizen application forms, missed 15 days of work (not including the annual departmental retreat).  Following a 3-day trial, the jury found for plaintiff and awarded $182,000 in compensatory damages plus $3,012.73 in lost wages. Defendant appealed claiming error in the jury instructions.
Held: No right of recovery; pencils are inherently dangerous products, and plaintiff was not in a protected class, because he was an experienced pencil user and serial gesticulator. Reversed on other grounds.
Bruised Knuckle from Punching and Screaming at Computer
Tsadik v. Frosty Computers, LLC (Supreme Judicial Court, 2011): Plaintiff suffered a bruised knuckle and some minor scarring as a result of repeatedly punching his computer and swearing at it until one of his vocal nodes gave out.  The case was tried jury-waived and the trial judge, crediting plaintiff’s testimony that the computer froze repeatedly, needed to be restarted constantly, and was incapable of following even simple commands, found for the plaintiff and awarded $1 million.  The SJC took the matter on direct appellate review.
Held: Computers are inherently dangerous products in that they are designed to elicit precisely the type of reaction exhibited by the plaintiff.  The court took judicial notice of the fact that, for a certain segment of the population (in which plaintiff was included), computers have never worked as advertised and never will. Under such a set of facts, there could be no recovery. Reversed.
Cracked Tooth from Removing Clothing Hang Tag
P. Mandelbaum v. Schmattes and Co., et al. (4th Appellate Div., 2005): Plaintiff cracked a tooth while trying to remove a hang tag from a newly-purchased undergarment when the plastic horizontal bar "refused" to come through the fabric. A jury awarded the cost of a dental visit plus reimbursement for the parking ticket suffered. Defendants appealed claiming plaintiff had failed to make out a prima facie case of dentis crackius.
Held: Clothing hang tags are inherently dangerous products, and there can be no recovery when they are removed with the teeth. Appellant's request for rehearing on the grounds that "everybody in the world removes hang tags with their teeth" was denied en banc.
 Stubbed Toe from Kicking Cheap Cabinet Door
Schlimazel v. Norman the Door Man, Inc. (Appeals Court, 2008): Plaintiff stubbed his toe attempting to close defendant’s “shoddily-hinged” product with his foot. The motion judge allowed defendant’s motion for summary judgment and plaintiff appealed.
Held: No right of recovery where it was undisputed that the cabinets were purchased from a store that has been having an “Everything Must Go!” sale for the past seven years, ensuring that the subject doors would never align properly. Moreover, plaintiff was contributorily negligent for stuffing the cabinet full of outdated menus and tchotchkes. Even absent such facts, there would have been no right of recovery because super-discounted cabinetry is an inherently dangerous product.  Summary judgment affirmed. 
Chipped Nail from De-Linking Paper Clips
Schmendrick v. No. 1 Paper Clip Emporium (2nd Appellate Div, 2001): Plaintiff chipped a nail while trying to separate a tortured and unruly clump of paper clips and suffered temporary disfigurement. Plaintiff's suit sought damages for pain and chipping. The motion judge granted defendant's motion for judgment on the pleadings.  Plaintiff appealed claiming error in that the court failed to apply the precedent established by cases where litigants recovered for injuries sustained attempting to remove staples from book reports.
Held: No right of recovery because paper clips (like wire hangers) are known to clump together in conspiratorial fashion. Accordingly, paper clips are an inherently dangerous product whose perils are obvious to the average consumer.  Judgment affirmed.
 Boredom and Repetitive Motion Injury from Hand-Held Vacuum
Nudnick v. Vacuous Boys, Inc. (1st Circuit Appellate Div., 2009): Plaintiff suffered a mild form of repetitive motion injury and also became slightly nauseous from running a hand-held mini-vacuum over the same three-inch area of a couch for several hours in a futile attempt to remove some cat hair. Plaintiff sought reimbursement for medical “consultations” as well as a refund. A jury awarded $22,000 for pain, $13,000 for suffering and $35,000 for pain & suffering. Defendant appealed claiming an abuse of judicial discretion.
Held: No right of recovery because defendant’s expert testified that no vacuum, no matter how fancy, can remove cat hair from a couch or anyplace else and the product manufacturer disclaimed all warranties in the manual even though no one ever reads the manual. Additionally, the appellate division ruled, sua sponte, that hand-held mini vacs are inherently dangerous products when used to try to remove cat hair from couches or kitty litter from automobile trunks because of the tendency to induce in the consumer an obsessive determination to achieve the unachievable, namely, spotlessness as pertaining to situations arising from co-habitation with cats. Reversed.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

"The Peloponnesian Tattler" Dekémvrios – 1188 B.C.E.


The War Blog

This is the comment section to our ongoing blog about the Trojan War written by our senior columnist, Homer. According to sources, Supreme Allied Commander,  Odysseus, recently arrived in Ithaca in the dead of night.  The major messenger services have been reporting all day that Odysseus, relying on an underground (in the figurative sense – not the dead one), found his way to the hut of one of his own former slaves, the swineherd, Eumaeus, and that he was met there by Athena who reportedly disguised him as a wandering beggar in order to learn how things stand in his household.

Readers  react.
_______________________________________________

1.        1.   Peisistratus, Syracuse

Why are we still talking about this old fart? By the gods! That stupid war ended 10 years ago! And during the ten that it lasted, it seemed like it was never going to end! And how many drachmas did we squander on that pointless exercise!? We never should have gotten involved in the first place. Now this guy comes back to haunt us!? Tell him to swim back to Calypso Island since he obviously loves it there so much. What was he doing there all that time, anyway?  I’m sure his wife, Penelope would like to know.  The rest of us don’t care.

[recommended by 10 readers and by 27 people who had the comment read to them because they are swineheards and never learned how to read]

2.        2.    Telemachus, Ithaca

Just returned from an Assembly of Citizens where, naturally, everybody claims to have seen Odysseus disappearing behind a tree or in his beggar disguise.  Yeah, right!  I’ve been all over Ithaca today, and I swear by Zeus, he aint here.  Sorry folks. As per usual, the story is over-hyped by an overly-ambitious journalist piecing together sketchy field reports from the safety of his villa.  C’mon, Tattler!  We thought you were better than this!

[recommended by 47 readers and by 63 people who had the comment read to them because they are uneducated slaves]

3.        3.    Menelaus, Sparta

Odysseus is war criminal! He deserve to be brought to a stadium some place and kicked like dog and have to read Iliad or something until he keel over. He no better than dog! Typical warmongering Greek!  Ha! Only care about ethnic cleanse and stealing lands!

[recommended by 3 readers and by 1 person who had the comment read to him because he is a foreigner and it’s all Greek to him – even though it kind of isn’t]

4.        4.    Nestor, Athens

To Menelaus (no. 4) of Sparta:  Excuse me!? A Spartan accusing someone else of being a warmonger? Are you kidding me!? Have you looked at your reflection in a pool of still water, lately? BTW, where did you learn to write Greek?  In a phalanx? Go back to the Academy – if you can even find it on a parchment!
  
[recommended by 233 readers and by 73 people who had the comment read to them because they will never be in the ruling classes and so don’t need an education]

5.        5.    The “Oracle,” Delphi

I can’t believe I’m agreeing with a bleeding heart from Syracuse, but have to say Peisistratus (no. 1) has got the bull by the horns. Why were we rushed into the Trojan War? Because the “great” Odysseus needed a casus belli so he sold the Citizens some trumped up allegations that there was some funny business going on with Helen.  And meanwhile, after all that blood and treasure was spent, what did we find -- some sirens?  Big whoop. I hate to say “I told you so,” but, ahem…See above, next to “Delphi.”

[recommended by 412 readers and by 114 people who had the comment read to them because they were thrown over a cliff as punishment for insulting Poseidon]

6.        6.    Aegisthus, Mycenae
 
To the “Oracle” (no.  5) do you ever do anything other than post on this board? Whenever there’s a debate (which, in Greece, is like every 3 minutes), you’re there like sundial-work. And you always, allegedly have way more “likes” than anybody else.  I know the Tattler has a big lefty following, but this is a little too convenient.  Are you just sitting around sending in your own “likes” to make it look like you have a big following that actually exists only metaphysically? And one more thing, what is a casus belli? What kind of stupid language does that come from?

[recommended by 1 reader]
7.     
Ac       7.    Achilles, Ismaros

I’m distressed by some of these jingoistic comments.  You can make fun of people’s writing style, but the fact remains,  Odysseus is a pirate.  Always was.  Always will be. To no. 4 of Athens, you may be a well-heeled city slicker, but that doesn’t make you right. Who do you think pushed the people into that disastrous war, anyway? I’ll tell you who -- the same Lobby who have the Parthenon in their pocket – or would have -- if togas had pockets, but you know what I mean. Do you ever see them with a sword and shield on the frontlines? No!  Because they’re always skulking in between columns at the agora, glad-handing rhetoricians, whispering, and cultivating grapes for their “special” rituals. Odysseus is just their puppet, like everybody else. Do I have to spell it out on a wax tablet? 

[recommended by 196 readers and by 312 indentured servants who are too busy working in the salt mines to pay off debts which, in fact, will never be paid off in their lifetimes – even though the concept of compounded interest is still somewhat primitive]

8.         8.     Hermes, Olympia

Ever since I got word that Odysseus was rumored to be in Ithaca, my mind has been going non-stop like a winged creature. What does this even mean?  The reports are conflicting. One messenger showed up in the square and said it means war.  Another claimed it means peace.  Yet another bounded into town  out of breath after running 26.2 miles to get here, and dropped dead before he had a chance to say anything.  I guess his humors were out of whack. What I’ve learned from this is you can’t believe everything you hear – espec. if you don’t hear it because the guy who was going to say something for you to hear dropped dead.  Keep an open mind is all I’m saying.  This story is still being written – or sung, actually, but you take my point.

[recommended by 44 readers and by 12 people who actually know how to read but would rather listen to an old blind guy sitting on a rock and strumming a harp.  Strange.] 

        JOIN THE CONVERSATION!

        Dialogue-in to post a comment.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

TAKE a pill as needed, but don't BE one.

This is a PURPLE, OBLONG-shaped TABLET imprinted with RAOTFALMAO-72 on the front.

ANTI-TROMBENIK -oral  (ANTI-TROM'-BE-NƏK)

USES:
This medication is used to prevent or treat pomposity in blowhards who have deluded themselves into the belief that, but for them and the implementation of their half-baked schemes, the Earth's axial rotation would be askew, and the rest of us would be irreparably harmed as a result. Usually symptoms develop whenever the seductive sound of one's own voice supplants the attraction of rational thought, bona fide scholarship, and the kind of first-hand experience that enables one to actually know something about that which is being discussed. Sometimes referred to as Big Macher Syndrome, the condition is most prevalent in persons who, for the ostensible purpose of whipping up a froth of excitement, exhort underlings and devotees to dangerous, ill-conceived, or reckless acts that they themselves wouldn't be caught dead attempting in a million years because they are too self-important, and the movement can't risk the loss of its inspirational leader. Besides, that's what the little people are for.  ANTI-TROMBENIK is also used to treat decibel indifference disorder (the state being oblivious to the discomfiture resulting from incessantly inflicting one's opinions loudly on others, particularly those who have no readily-accessible means of escape, such as wheel-bound hamsters, subway riders, and the populations of elevators stuck between floors).

HOW TO USE:
Take this medication by mouth. Contrary to the literal impression that might, at first blush, be conveyed by the preceding imperative phrase, it is recommended that hands be enlisted to assist the mouth in the delivery of the medication to the bloodstream. Clinical trials have demonstrated that use of the mouth, alone, to attempt to unseal the safety cap, dispose of the gratuitous cotton stuffed in the bottle, and extract and dispense the appropriate dosage, has a failure rate of one hundred per cent. ANTI-TROMBENIK may be taken with or without food, provided that there is some universal agreement regarding the definition of that term, or, more precisely, those substances that are excluded from the definition. These include: Pez, chicklets, and snuff. Dosing recommendations vary widely, depending on whether you are susceptible to pretension by doing things like cultivating a fake highbrow accent when ordering sable and whitefish salad or using the binary system to count. Ask your doctor whether anybody considers such affectations to be cute. If your doctor answers in the affirmative, seek advice from a practitioner whose license is not under suspension -- or ought to be. Taking more than the recommended dosage is a little like reading ahead.  No one likes a show-off. Your doctor may need to adjust your dosage if you are given over to bouts of appropriating for yourself the moral authority to lecture everybody else (especially in letters to the editor -- even if you cannot spell), and to browbeat them into thinking that, unless their opinions align with your peculiar political theories, they are "trolls."  Avoid eating froth aforesaid while taking this medication.  In fact, avoid froth altogether.

SIDE EFFECTS:
Writing self-aggrandizing memoirs and gushing about the virtues of mercury-powered  "energy-saving" light bulbs are the most common side effects. Other side effects include nausea and vomiting.  We threw those in there because these seem to be the most popular side effects. We also debated whether to include diarrhea (another perennial favorite), but in the end, ruled it out, because there just wasn't enough room on the label, and the discussion about how to spell it became very ugly, indeed. Now some of us are not talking to others of us. If you experience any of these side effects, stop taking this medication immediately, organize a book reading, and, if anybody shows up, drop all sorts of names to give the impression that you hobnob with important people.  Also call your doctor or pharmacist.  If they happen to be free, invite them to the reading, but be prepared for them to act entitled, as though they don't have to buy a book. Do not panic, as they will cave before the evening is out provided all the exits are locked and the wine and cheese hold.

PRECAUTIONS:
Before taking this medication, pour a little on a test area of the carpet in an obscure corner of the room and wait five minutes. If the carpet becomes discolored or starts telling off-color jokes, or if you vomit on the test area, do not take this medication. Consult your doctor and local law enforcement before trading this medication openly on the black market. Do not take this medication while operating machinery (such as a frother). Running for elective office or practicing law under the influence of this medication is contraindicated.

DRUG INTERACTIONS:
Please give your doctor or pharmacist a complete list of other drugs you are taking, as most other medications are of the opinion that ANTI-TROMBENIK is rude and obnoxious, making seating arrangements a veritable nightmare. Your doctor can often prevent or manage interactions by changing the subject, but not always, because not everyone has a favorite color or likes ponies.

KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN WHO ARE ALWAYS ASKING YOU TO BUY THEM PRESENTS.

This prescription may be refilled 13 times before somebody starts to realize that it isn't doing anything.