That's Not Just Fake Dog Doody, General, It's Our New Secret Weapon!

MEMORANDUM

From:  Office of Psych Ops Research, Central Intelligence Agency

To: Joint Chiefs of Staff (and their lovely wives)

Security Level: Beginner

Classified: Under "T"  (for "Top")

Also Classified Under "S" (for "Secret")

Also Classified Under "TS" (for "Top Secret")

Re:  Recommendation for Clandestine Destabilization of Post-Modernist Fascism Through Strategic Dissemination of Rubberized Artificial Canine Feces.

Digest

      The Agency has identified a significant concentration (n.1) of repressive thugs and unindicted war criminals susceptible to democratically-directed behavior in response to precision deployment of a small device fabricated with molds, soft rubber, and brown dye.  In recent months, the Psych-Ops Division has conducted extensive field testing with remarkable results. The data reveal that over 92% of dictators and their factotums and apologists harbor an irrational fear of artificial canine feces. Finding themselves unexpectedly in the proximity of the devices, the subjects have evinced a small range of reactions -- from non-plussed to inconsolable (n. 2).

     Agency Operatives reported a high degree of success influencing the words and deeds of the subjects while they were in a state of FD (n. 3) agitation. For example, Agent OOHGROSS-135 reported an instantaneous change in countenance of one subject who literally got on his knees, prayed to his deity, and promised that his government would stop shooting its own people in the street and throwing journalists and students in prison en masse if only the Agent would defuse the test object which had been planted in a pretzel bowl on a conference table. Another subject gave verifiable assurances that the inbred royals of which his government was comprised would return the billions pillaged from the people's treasury in exchange for the removal of the device from a favorite swivel chair. Yet another telephoned his government's Ministry of Foreign Relations on the spot and pleaded for the cessation of the show trials of opposition leaders, evidently a small price to pay for having one of the devices extricated from his hair.

     Tests were also conducted with a variety of other faux fauna excrement, including cat, mouse, and game. However, the artifice (and hence the outcome) was demonstrably most compelling when canine was the weapon of choice. 

Pros

      Manufacture of the weapon is inexpensive. With appropriate re-tooling, various sectors of the allied defense industry can be positioned to gear production on a scale suitable for warfare.

Cons

     China already has the world's largest stockpiles of this class of weapon. (n. 4)  Not only can its central planning authority mobilize an assembly-ready labor force for mass-production, its technicians have long been considered to be the most meticulous and experienced with  SUGDs (n. 5). 

RECOMMENDATION

     The DOD should lobby the White House for an exponential increase in R&D (n6). Although the U.S. will have to play catch-up, because so many impurities have been detected in the last several batches originating in East Asia, the Agency has a firm conviction that our military, with the assistance of a highly incentivized defense contracting community, can achieve parity in three years or fewer. 

     However, the window of opportunity is closing quickly.  Waiting is not a viable option.  In the words of the Director: "We simply cannot afford procrastination.  That dog won't hunt." 

       

Notes______________________________________

1. Their confidantes and aides de camp gather regularly at 760 United Nations Plaza, 13th floor, New York, a/k/a, the headquarters of the U.N. Human Rights Council.

2. In one test, alone, 7 of them "pulled a nutty."

3.  Fake Doody

4.  Moreover, the principal raw material, rubber, must be imported. Although, at some expense, synthetic variations can be produced domestically.

5.  Socially Unacceptable Gag Device

6.  Research and Doodevelopment