If You're Going to Drink Malbec From a Plastic Cup, Could You at Least Stand in the Closet?

Why not let our experienced sommelier suggest the perfect pairing for your idiosyncratic infotainments? Our (patent-pending) system eliminates the muss and fuss of making a decision:  "You do the drinking and we'll do the thinking."  (TM).

1.    Posting a smirky comment at a New York Times on-line forum under the pseudonym "Progressivedude890," citing statistics culled from razor-thin air ---- 2008 Plantagenet Riesling  (Australia).  $20 (Suggested retail) (Free if shoplifted).

2.    Pleading ignorance or amnesia or all three when reminded by the young woman from the CJP of the uncharacteristically generous pledge you allegedly made during last month's fund drive --- 1990 Fattoria di Felsina Chianti Classico Riserva Rancia (Italy, Chinati region ...Oh!  That's where the name comes from!) $88 (get 2 and pay just $88 more!)

3.  Missing work in observance of National Pencil Day --- 2005 Sausal Cabernet Savignon (California) $33/$9 (nota bene:  If you pay only $9, you will not get as much).

4.  Dropping the shovel conspicuously and pretending that you have thrown your back out just as you see your next-door neighbor with far too much time on his hands start to fire up the brand-spanking new snowblower somebody gave him for National Pencil Day -- 2006 Egri Bikaver (Hungary) (a steal at $14). [we stole ours, for example].

5.  Doing the standard "dump 'n run" with the egregiously overdue library book (like, try last century) --- 1996 Chateau La Mondotte Saint-Emilion - app. (France) (if you have to ask, you can't afford it, and anyway, you'll need to conserve capital for those spiraling library fines.  We tried to tell you to get a Kindle (TM), but did you listen?  No!  Who even goes to the library anymore?  Hint:  They aren't drinking $595/bottle wine).

6.   Ignoring the "please DO NOT eat my pumpkin pie" Post-It (TM) note selfishly pasted on someone's pumpkin pie in the office refrigerator --- 2001 Chile De Martino Syrah (Chile) $25 (worth it because of the savings on pumpkin pie).


7.    Assuring the cat that the left-over jar of herring of dubious provenance is just as good as his usual brand. 2007  Mt. Herman Yarden-Zinfandel (Israel, Galilee region) --- 2 Zuzim.
 
8.     Using camouflage of strategically-draped blankets and subterfuge to not bring your seatback to its full, upright position in preparation for landing. 1999 Buitenverwachting Meifort  Constantia 60% Merlot (South Africa) (What?  It's Ok to drink Merlot again; Sideways is practically a classic film at this point).

9.     Texting while emailing --- 2009  Dragon Seal (China) $ 18 or some municipal bonds, whichever mature first.

10.    Reading HIYLK --- 2011 Manischewitz-Concord grape classic(o) $9 (but nobody ever really drinks a whole glass...OK, some people do, but they're like, weird).