So Nu? York Times of the Future

"All the News That Fits Onto an Eyelid App."


Thursday, October 21, 2099 Last Update: 9:35 PM ET

Weather -- Mostly Wrong (Full Report) (CliffsNotes Version)

FORMER PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN 
REVIVED IN QUANTUM LEAP
EXTRAORDINARY RENDITION 
SAYS TIME TRAVEL"OVERRATED"
Original Gettysburg Address Written on Several Napkins.
All But One Flew Away in Sudden Breeze.
Speech Was to Have Been Much Longer

By Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum, VI,  6 minutes ago

     Washington, D.C. -- Stepping out of the 19th Century and into the end of the 21st courtesy of recent innovations in quantum leap technology, the 16th President of the United States told a cyber-conference of "news" bloggers at the U.S. Mint that certain things about the future were "mighty fine," but that he preferred his own time period because there, he didn't have to "suspend habeas corpus just to find a decent serving of hardtack, salt pork, and goober peas." He seemed unimpressed that his image had been preserved on the Penny coin, noting that nobody seemed to use Pennies much.  [more]

TIMES TO CHARGE MORE FOR EYELID APP. EDITION

By NYT Staff,  6 months from now 
     

      New York -- Faced with slumping revenues and a burgeoning ADD-multimedia marketplace, the New York Times Co. announces another hike in the subscription price of the Eyelid App. edition. An annual subscription will now cost $5,000.00 -- a 15% price hike. Off-planet subscribers will pay more. Times time travelers who have visited the future are already aware of the story and will have cancelled their subscriptions in disgust (in the future). Others will be expressing outrage in telepathic messages to the ombudsperson.  [more]

INVOKING THE EXEMPTION OF "CROSSIES," CANDIDATES FOR ELECTIVE OFFICE VOW TO END NEGATIVE CAMPAIGNING

By Son O' The Situation,  19 Minutes Ago 

     Chicago -- At a joint conference here that was part town hall meeting, part fighting city hall, and  part driving through Hartford at rush hour, Democrats, Republicans, Tea Partyers, Libertarians, and independent candidates for a wide array of state and national elective offices took a pledge to refrain from negative campaigning. Led by an astral projection of former President Jimmy Carter (who just doesn't seem to go away), attendees promised to avoid phrases like "robot ho" and "thought virgin" when referring to their opponents. In interviews following the spectacle, Congressional hopefuls wasted little time in breaking the pledge, calling each other "child murderer," "print media-reader," and worse.  [more]   

FRENCH STRIKERS DEMAND GOVERNMENT MASSAGES AND PIñA COLADAS FOR RETIRING 30-YEAR OLDS

From Wire Services, Paper Hangers, and Wire Hangers -- 27 minutes to go

      Paris -- De Gaulle once said: "The French People agree on absolutely nothing except for Mickey Mouse, Jerry Lewis, and strikes." Coco Chanel heard the last word as "stripes," and went off on a tangent, but leaders of the major trade unions took to the streets and never looked back. Now that virtually no one in the country works for more than a few minutes a week, there's plenty of time to lie around with tropical drinks in hand listening to Jimmy Buffet musique.  [more]

LICHTENSTEIN WINS LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES; TAIWAN SETTLES FOR 2ND. "AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE THE TALLEST BUILDING," SAYS COACH

By "Mookie"  Happenin' now 

     Williamsport, Pa.  -- Tiny, little Lichtenstein stunned the pre-pubescent baseball universe here today by defeating powerhouse, Taiwan, in the Little League World Series. The victory was all the more impressive given that no one in Lichtenstein knows how to play baseball or has even heard of it. Apparently, a government minister was able to field a team by tricking the players into thinking they were coming to America to participate in a television game show. The Taiwanese coach admitted that he underestimated the Lichtenstein threat by encouraging his team to "close their eyes and meditate intensely" to preserve physical strength whenever Lichtenstein was at bat, enabling an inordinate number of  base hits by the clueless Liechtensteiners. [more] 

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FASHION WEEK IN JERUSALEM   Blogging Live

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Opinionator
Kollins: Whatever
Comments (0)

Cristof: Legalize Everything

Editorial: Remember when journalists delivered the news?  Those were the days (my friend).

Douwd: We thought they'd never end.
Comments (423)

Freedman:  We'd sing and dance for ever and a day.
 
Crugman: We lived the life we choose.
 
Brooks Bros.: We'd fight and never lose. 
 
Poor:  Those were the days (oh yes) those were the days.
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FASHION WEEK IN RIYADH Blogging Live



                Unknown (left) Unknown (middle) Unknown (right)
                (Not pictured:  Unknown)
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FCC COMMISSIONER, FREUD, SAYS HONK IF YOU LIKE HONKING GUILTY OF SCHADENFREUDE FOR DISPLAYING SANGFROID AMID CHARGES OF CONTEST FRAUD

By Claude Frawd,  73,619 Minutes Ago

      Washington, D.C. -- One of the World's least-read blogs found itself in hot water with the government again for allegedly sponsoring a promotion guaranteeing "a hundred zillion dollars to the hundred zillionth reader." In a Complaint filed on Monday, the FCC has accused HIYLH of  "false advertising and shoddy workmanship." HIYLH was not immediately available for comment, but former President Abraham Lincoln said that he "could not stand a HIYLH divided against itself." He offered to provide legal representation in exchange for a "decent ration of goober peas." [more]   

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THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS URGES YOU
TO VOTE FOR THE BILLIONAIRE OF YOUR CHOICE.
BUT VOTE!
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