I THINK YOU SAID: "PLEASE OVERCHARGE ME AND MISSPELL MY NAME, IS THAT CORRECT?"

Hello.  And thank you for calling COMA, where it feels like we're in one all the time.  Are you calling about your account?

Say "yes" for "yes."
Say "no" for "no."
Or just press the number "1" for "1."

[1]

O.K. Before I pass your call on to an associate who can help, I'll need to ask you a few questions, is that alright?

Say "yes" for "yes."

Say "no" for "no."
Say "maybe" for "yes."
Say "no, no Nannette!" for "maybe."
Or just press the number "1" for the heck of it.

[1]

O.K. first tell me your account number. You can speak your answer at any time.  You can also sing your answer, but only in the key of G.  If you don't know it, just say:  "I don't know it."

[I don't know it.]

O.K. Let's try something else.  Tell me the password you registered when you opened your account. You can speak your answer at any time. You can also hum quietly to yourself while trying to remember your password. You can also tap out your password in Morse Code by banging the phone gently against your head. If you don't know it, just say: "Knock Knock."

[Knock Knock]

I think you said, you would like a password hint, is that right? 

Say "yes" for "yes"
Say "Assolutamente non!"  for "no"
Say "So aren't I" to demonstrate that people in Boston talk funny.

[Yes]

O.K.  You may have chosen a pet's name to be your password.  Or you may have chosen your birthday.  You may also have chosen somebody else's birthday. Perhaps you chose a password so secretive and hard to remember that nobody but the computer hacker who cried when he had a look-see at your bank account could remember it.  Does this help?

Say "yes."

[No]

I think you said you want to strangle me and flush me down the toilet.  Is that correct?

Say, "did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world?"

[1]

O.K. Before I can pass your call on to an associate who can help, I'll have to torture you some more.  What is your password?  If you can't remember it, just tell me your password.  If you don't know it, just say "that you love me."

[OPERATOR!]

I think you said "elevator."  Is that correct?

Say "any old thing that comes to mind."

[1]  

 I think you said you are having an aneurysm.  Is that correct?

[I HATE YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE!]

O.K.  Let's try something else.  What is your account number? If you don't know it, tell me your password.  If you don't know it, tell me a story.  If you don't know one, just say "operator."

[OPERATOR!]

I think you said "refrigerator."  Is that correct?

Press [1] for "yes"
Press 278356 for "no,"
Or simply hang up.

Hello?  Did you hang up?

Hello?  Hello?

O.K.  I'll call you later.

Hello?

Hey! You left the phone off the hoo...