Letter From a Put-Out Burglar

I broke into your house 2-day.  I wuz shocked to find it so messy. Dishes everywhere.  Klothes in the sink.  How do U live like this (I wunder?).  I am a common house thief and yet not so messy as U are.  On the back of this note, I rote down the number of the Midey-Tidey Cleaners that most of yor neighbors use.  Heres a tip.  Call them quick.

While I wuz going thru your old CDs I found a "Frank Sinatra Greatest Hits" which I like a lot but when I opened up the cover there was no CD in there which is to be expected for a slob like you I suppose. I opened up an old Miles Davis CD and (surprise!) there wuz some kind of crazy Alvin & the Chipmunks tape from 100 years ago. Miles Davis wuz nowhere to be found. Prob. under the klothes in the sink! (Ha! Ha!  just joking!) I also found an old Sonny Rollins CD (loose -- no protective cover) under a magazine, but when I tried to play it, yor stupid player was making gurgling noises like sumbody throwing up underwater and anyways the CD was all scratched and sounded like a cat in heat.

Speaking of which yor big fat ornge cat was sprawled all over the counters and took up like haf of the room and he just wouldnt shut up. He was crying really loud like something being run over by a big truck. I tried to throw him outside but he wuz 2 fat and weighed 2 much and I couldnt pick him up. With all that raket it made it really hard to do my work.  How do U stand it? I guess he wanted to be fed as all his bowls were empty and he had no water etc. I looked in every cupboard in the joint and there wuznt even 1 scrap of cat food in there. There wuz sum krackers and about 29 cartons of chicken broth. R U planning to feed a fire house but not the cat? Thats animal krewlty.

Oh yeah. While I wuz there the doorbel rung and i seen that it was the mailman so I opened the door and he ast me to sign a certified letter 4 U and I signed it as a curtsey to U and left it on the counter in the kitchen next to whatever U had for dinner last week. Its a pretty thick letter and U cant miss it.  It looks like U R being sued by sumbody but I am not so crass as to pry into other peeples mail and I dint read it but I did hold it up to the lite and I think U R being sued but dont worry I dint steem it open becuz frankly I dont think yor stove works 2 good so i cudnt steem it open.


I ansered the phone 2 becuz it kept ringing and driving me batty. Yor medications are reddy 4 pickup and U owe sum collection agency for sum unpaid parking tix or sumthing. (i rote down the number on this note). Also I pretended to be U and took a breef phone servey 4 U. I sed how much U would like to reseeve dried meat in a box delivered to yor house evry month. Dont even thank me becuz you dont know who I am but yor welcome. U'll be billed later. 

You dint rilly have no "valubules" wurth riting home about. The onliest thing I rilly took was a can opener and some stamps. Prob. not worth anything, but I has to have sumthing to shew for my time.

Well I wont soon be back as U R not worth the trubble. But i hope U clean up yor act for the sake of the next guy who comes along.


If i wuz U, id think about getting the lock on the front door fixed.