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During the Days of Awe, you, the Synagogue usher, are on the front line in the holiday crush, and the only thing standing between a well-executed service and a total meltdown. That is why we have produced this little manual -- to navigate you through the shoals of the season. In the course of your ushering duties, you may be confronted with challenges tempting you to choose between application of the Rules and common sense. When in doubt, remember the acronym: SATTRIENIITVKTTSOTSAOGOOHIOP (Strict Adherence To These Rules Is Essential, Nay, It Is The Very Key To The Survival Of The Shul And Of Getting Out Of Here In One Piece). Do not try to substitute your judgment for these Rules. Follow the Rules and you'll do just fine. Another thing is: We are not interested in your judgment.
1. No Seat Saving
Even if you cannot remember any of the other Rules under pain of torture, this is the one that must be seared onto your brain, like one of those blue USDA ovals that one sees stamped on choice cuts of meat in most supermarkets. Akin to the First Commandment, it is Rule Numero Uno: Nobody -- and we mean nobody -- is allowed to save seats. Without exception. The only exceptions are as follows: The Rebbetzin, the Cantor's wife, the Temple President, the Education Director, and the Leader of the Sisterhood. If you do not know who these people are, you will be able to recognize them by the way they say: "How dare you tell me I can't save seats, you schmendrick! I am the [Temple President/Leader of the Sisterhood, etc.] [Words in brackets are examples only].
When you suspect unauthorized seat saving, remain calm but stand your ground. Gently suggest to the congregant that the policy is in place for the benefit of all, and why do they think they're so special? Hmmmm? I mean, really! What is this? a movie theater? C'mon! If they respond that their spouse is parking the car and will be here any moment with the kids, remind them (with just a tinge of moral superiority) that you're not really supposed to drive on Rosh Hoshana/Yom Kippur, or whatever. Then look at your watch impatiently while muttering: "Gee. They must've had to park blocks and blocks away. Maybe even all the way across town. What could be taking them so long? Do you suppose they stopped off for a nosh on the way here? Maybe they got a flat tire. I sure hope your car doesn't get towed." If this tactic fails to impress, be sure to guide the next large contingent of worshippers directly to the seats that the recalcitrant supplicant has attempted to rope off -- even if the sanctuary is practically empty, because it's early yet, and hardly anybody has shown up. If she still refuses to budge, activate the whistle that has been issued to all ushers for use in case of emergencies. Give it 3 sharp blasts, and then, pointing at the refusenick, say, in a respectful tone of voice, "Shove over!"
If you see a particularly large group of belligerent congregants arguing with each other over seating arrangements, DO NOT attempt to step in by yourself to resolve the conflict in a civil manner. Instead, hold your hand over your usher name tag, look the other way, and quietly blend in with the crowd. Slip out of the sanctuary and make your way quickly to the administrative office. Use the red phone to dial extension 18. Ask to speak to Mr. Finkle or Miguel. Report the approximate location of the altercation and return to your post as unobtrusively as possible. If, while passing among the rows, you see the loud-mouthed seat hogger who gave you such a hard time earlier, be sure to check with her to see if her husband is still parking the car, or what.
2. No Admittance Without a Ticket
It goes without saying that no one is allowed entry without a ticket. If you are positioned as a ticket checker, be on the lookout for head-of-household scofflaws who flash their tickets momentarily, hoping to sneak in 7 people for the price of two. You can't miss these types, as they always try to rush through the entrance, scruffy brood in tow, eyes cast downward, hoping no one will notice their guilty countenance. If you spot them, yell "halt!" in a clear, loud voice, and restrain them until Mr. Finkle or Miguel can be summoned. A variation on this theme is the ticket forger, whose crude but effective handiwork has been known to fool more than one unsuspecting novice. We have drastically reduced the numbers of these "Slip-Thrus," as they are known in the biz, with vigilant enforcement and effective usher education. For example, it helps to know the name of the Temple you are ushering for. (It is not "Temple of Doom," as one careless probie once learned, but not until after he had allowed in a whole slew of gate crashers on the strength of some expired chits from the Universal Studios theme park). It's also important to know what service you are ushering for -- not to mention what year it is (Yes, some brazen members actually try to sneak in with last year's tickets. This is why we color code them). Finally, please don't be taken in by the kindly-looking old ladies who claim they left their tickets in the foyer while they were trying to get their cat to come in the house. Puleeeeeeeeeeze! These people are professional con artists and some of them may be fronts for eastern European syndicates. Remember the acronym!
3. Climate
As is the custom with our People, there will be plenty of kvetching about the temperature. Inevitably, while most of the congregation will be too cold, one or two troublemakers of a certain persuasion can be counted on to be fanning themselves vigorously and disrupting the reverence of everyone in their immediate vicinity. Without fail, they will demand that you lower the thermostat at once. When this happens, reassure the complainant that you shall attend to their needs presently. Proceed directly to the south wall to the left of the bima. Two large switchboxes are located there. One is the fire alarm with a toggle arm. DO NOT TOUCH THIS SWITCH! (If you don't know what "toggle" means, please look it up before commencing your ushering duties.) The other switchbox is actually just a prop, and is not wired to anything. Reach for the fake controls and pretend to make a big show of adjusting them meticulously. It helps to get up close to the switch and squint at it for a long time while scratching your head and moving the bogus dial to and fro. Reading glasses complete the illusion. Don't forget to make eye contact with the overheated worshipper and stand in place pantomiming a grandiose "shivering" to demonstrate the effectiveness of the ventilation system. Wait for their look of gratitude or satisfaction before returning to your seat.
Obviously, the fake temperature control is a closely-guarded usher secret (the building's temperature is actually controlled by Miguel from a secure, undisclosed location in the basement, and in all matters climatological, he is the grand Pooh-Bah and has final say). Should you ever be separated for any reason from the Usher's Guild, you are sworn to silence for life, and must never reveal what goes on "behind the curtain."
4. Coughing
About a third of the way through the service, the Rabbi will ask the congregation to take some moments for silent meditation. Almost as if on cue, someone in the back will start having a coughing fit. When this happens, go and stand near the cougher (hover over them menacingly, in fact), and give them a dirty look until the disruption is contained. If you see that they are not easily shamed, use hand signals to give them a clearer message. You may "chop" the air with one of your hands while scowling, or run an index finger across your neck as if to say "kill it!" If these methods prove unsuccessful, whisper in the cougher's ear and ask them if they wouldn't be more comfortable at home or at somebody else's religious service, such as Zoroastrian. Alternatively, Miguel knows where the Temple water cooler is.
5. Cell Phones
The following ring tones are no longer allowed during the Torah Service: (1) Hava Nagilah,
(2) Fly Me to the Moon, (3) anything by Marvin Hamlisch. Texting should be discreet, especially for those who are actually chanting a blessing while standing before an open scroll.
6. Crying Babies
Children are an inevitable fact of life and we must learn to accept them. While many are kept in check by their parents or guardians, these days, some are not. The very young ones (children -- not parents) have been known to cry hair-raisingly loud and to poop in their pants with reckless abandon. For shaming techniques, see the section on coughing. If these do not succeed, there isn't much that can be done except to block their parents' re-entry to the main hall after a trip to the diaper-changing area. Never argue with an irate parent. Instead, tell them that you don't make the policy, and ask them to submit a complaint to Mr. Finkle. If they are not thus mollified, call for back-up. If the other ushers have their hands full with similarly-situated irate parents, find Miguel and let him take it from there.
7. Egress
When the service is concluded, stand by the exit and direct the crowd to the right. When some rebel against this directive (and some will), attempting to beat a hasty retreat to the left instead of the right, hold up your hand and redirect them. When they demand to know why they have to exit the long way around, tell them it is for safety reasons. This is an inside usher joke. Exiting to the right is no more or less safe than exiting to the left. In fact, it is a pain and will create a huge bottleneck. But the comments from the crowd will be priceless. Even ushers have to have a little simcha now and again, so enjoy!
Final Word
Thank you for performing this invaluable mitzvah for your community. Remember the ACRONYM, and you'll never walk alone.
Let's keep our wits about us, people. It's a jungle out there.
Good Yontif!
1. No Seat Saving
Even if you cannot remember any of the other Rules under pain of torture, this is the one that must be seared onto your brain, like one of those blue USDA ovals that one sees stamped on choice cuts of meat in most supermarkets. Akin to the First Commandment, it is Rule Numero Uno: Nobody -- and we mean nobody -- is allowed to save seats. Without exception. The only exceptions are as follows: The Rebbetzin, the Cantor's wife, the Temple President, the Education Director, and the Leader of the Sisterhood. If you do not know who these people are, you will be able to recognize them by the way they say: "How dare you tell me I can't save seats, you schmendrick! I am the [Temple President/Leader of the Sisterhood, etc.] [Words in brackets are examples only].
When you suspect unauthorized seat saving, remain calm but stand your ground. Gently suggest to the congregant that the policy is in place for the benefit of all, and why do they think they're so special? Hmmmm? I mean, really! What is this? a movie theater? C'mon! If they respond that their spouse is parking the car and will be here any moment with the kids, remind them (with just a tinge of moral superiority) that you're not really supposed to drive on Rosh Hoshana/Yom Kippur, or whatever. Then look at your watch impatiently while muttering: "Gee. They must've had to park blocks and blocks away. Maybe even all the way across town. What could be taking them so long? Do you suppose they stopped off for a nosh on the way here? Maybe they got a flat tire. I sure hope your car doesn't get towed." If this tactic fails to impress, be sure to guide the next large contingent of worshippers directly to the seats that the recalcitrant supplicant has attempted to rope off -- even if the sanctuary is practically empty, because it's early yet, and hardly anybody has shown up. If she still refuses to budge, activate the whistle that has been issued to all ushers for use in case of emergencies. Give it 3 sharp blasts, and then, pointing at the refusenick, say, in a respectful tone of voice, "Shove over!"
If you see a particularly large group of belligerent congregants arguing with each other over seating arrangements, DO NOT attempt to step in by yourself to resolve the conflict in a civil manner. Instead, hold your hand over your usher name tag, look the other way, and quietly blend in with the crowd. Slip out of the sanctuary and make your way quickly to the administrative office. Use the red phone to dial extension 18. Ask to speak to Mr. Finkle or Miguel. Report the approximate location of the altercation and return to your post as unobtrusively as possible. If, while passing among the rows, you see the loud-mouthed seat hogger who gave you such a hard time earlier, be sure to check with her to see if her husband is still parking the car, or what.
2. No Admittance Without a Ticket
It goes without saying that no one is allowed entry without a ticket. If you are positioned as a ticket checker, be on the lookout for head-of-household scofflaws who flash their tickets momentarily, hoping to sneak in 7 people for the price of two. You can't miss these types, as they always try to rush through the entrance, scruffy brood in tow, eyes cast downward, hoping no one will notice their guilty countenance. If you spot them, yell "halt!" in a clear, loud voice, and restrain them until Mr. Finkle or Miguel can be summoned. A variation on this theme is the ticket forger, whose crude but effective handiwork has been known to fool more than one unsuspecting novice. We have drastically reduced the numbers of these "Slip-Thrus," as they are known in the biz, with vigilant enforcement and effective usher education. For example, it helps to know the name of the Temple you are ushering for. (It is not "Temple of Doom," as one careless probie once learned, but not until after he had allowed in a whole slew of gate crashers on the strength of some expired chits from the Universal Studios theme park). It's also important to know what service you are ushering for -- not to mention what year it is (Yes, some brazen members actually try to sneak in with last year's tickets. This is why we color code them). Finally, please don't be taken in by the kindly-looking old ladies who claim they left their tickets in the foyer while they were trying to get their cat to come in the house. Puleeeeeeeeeeze! These people are professional con artists and some of them may be fronts for eastern European syndicates. Remember the acronym!
3. Climate
As is the custom with our People, there will be plenty of kvetching about the temperature. Inevitably, while most of the congregation will be too cold, one or two troublemakers of a certain persuasion can be counted on to be fanning themselves vigorously and disrupting the reverence of everyone in their immediate vicinity. Without fail, they will demand that you lower the thermostat at once. When this happens, reassure the complainant that you shall attend to their needs presently. Proceed directly to the south wall to the left of the bima. Two large switchboxes are located there. One is the fire alarm with a toggle arm. DO NOT TOUCH THIS SWITCH! (If you don't know what "toggle" means, please look it up before commencing your ushering duties.) The other switchbox is actually just a prop, and is not wired to anything. Reach for the fake controls and pretend to make a big show of adjusting them meticulously. It helps to get up close to the switch and squint at it for a long time while scratching your head and moving the bogus dial to and fro. Reading glasses complete the illusion. Don't forget to make eye contact with the overheated worshipper and stand in place pantomiming a grandiose "shivering" to demonstrate the effectiveness of the ventilation system. Wait for their look of gratitude or satisfaction before returning to your seat.
Obviously, the fake temperature control is a closely-guarded usher secret (the building's temperature is actually controlled by Miguel from a secure, undisclosed location in the basement, and in all matters climatological, he is the grand Pooh-Bah and has final say). Should you ever be separated for any reason from the Usher's Guild, you are sworn to silence for life, and must never reveal what goes on "behind the curtain."
4. Coughing
About a third of the way through the service, the Rabbi will ask the congregation to take some moments for silent meditation. Almost as if on cue, someone in the back will start having a coughing fit. When this happens, go and stand near the cougher (hover over them menacingly, in fact), and give them a dirty look until the disruption is contained. If you see that they are not easily shamed, use hand signals to give them a clearer message. You may "chop" the air with one of your hands while scowling, or run an index finger across your neck as if to say "kill it!" If these methods prove unsuccessful, whisper in the cougher's ear and ask them if they wouldn't be more comfortable at home or at somebody else's religious service, such as Zoroastrian. Alternatively, Miguel knows where the Temple water cooler is.
5. Cell Phones
The following ring tones are no longer allowed during the Torah Service: (1) Hava Nagilah,
(2) Fly Me to the Moon, (3) anything by Marvin Hamlisch. Texting should be discreet, especially for those who are actually chanting a blessing while standing before an open scroll.
6. Crying Babies
Children are an inevitable fact of life and we must learn to accept them. While many are kept in check by their parents or guardians, these days, some are not. The very young ones (children -- not parents) have been known to cry hair-raisingly loud and to poop in their pants with reckless abandon. For shaming techniques, see the section on coughing. If these do not succeed, there isn't much that can be done except to block their parents' re-entry to the main hall after a trip to the diaper-changing area. Never argue with an irate parent. Instead, tell them that you don't make the policy, and ask them to submit a complaint to Mr. Finkle. If they are not thus mollified, call for back-up. If the other ushers have their hands full with similarly-situated irate parents, find Miguel and let him take it from there.
7. Egress
When the service is concluded, stand by the exit and direct the crowd to the right. When some rebel against this directive (and some will), attempting to beat a hasty retreat to the left instead of the right, hold up your hand and redirect them. When they demand to know why they have to exit the long way around, tell them it is for safety reasons. This is an inside usher joke. Exiting to the right is no more or less safe than exiting to the left. In fact, it is a pain and will create a huge bottleneck. But the comments from the crowd will be priceless. Even ushers have to have a little simcha now and again, so enjoy!
Final Word
Thank you for performing this invaluable mitzvah for your community. Remember the ACRONYM, and you'll never walk alone.
Let's keep our wits about us, people. It's a jungle out there.
Good Yontif!
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