Posts
Why do so many people stick to this diet? Because in 27 states and 4 Canadian provinces, it is now a Class B felony to cheat on it. Those who have done so refer to it as the "Big House Diet." Of course, it takes no small effort to get the Legislature to see things your way. Accordingly, we, ourselves, sometimes refer to our program as the "Greased Palms Diet." But never to its face.
These are the four phases of the diet: Seduction, Suction, Reduction, and Metuchen.
In Seduction, the body enters a state of suspended animation, the mind willingly suspends disbelief, and a man in a clown suit is always showing up and quoting from Parashat Emor. When dizziness sets in, you have either reached a oneness with the Source, or else you need an aspirin. In the likely event it is the latter, it is helpful to have some on hand.
During Suction, your body begins to rebel and clamor for a purge. Purging is a natural consequence of this phase, and generally follows fast on the heels of trumped up accusations and show trials. Shortly thereafter, nostalgia sets in, followed by amnesia. We admit that this phase makes no sense, and we have no idea why it is in the diet.
Tempting though it may be to suppose that Reduction is exactly what it sounds like, wrong on you! It is pronounced Re-due-see-ohn. This is to keep you on your toes. Where we can see you.
We have heard from many of our subscribers who thought we named the fourth phase as a kind of New Jersey joke. We told them "no, that is just a coincidence."
We lied.
The following foods are permitted on the diet: chicken, chicklets, chicory. Chicanery is never allowed on the diet. Cheekiness is permitted during the Re-due-see-ohn phase.
The diet only works if you purchase our companion book, cards, scale, and fun house mirror. We guarantee that you will see results immediately in the fun house mirror. This is the distinguishing feature of the regimen. No one else can say this without getting a cease and desist letter.
Do not be lulled into the false sense that everyone is sick of hearing about your diet. The opposite is true! They want you to chat about it incessantly. By name. Especially to yourself while waiting on a long line to get into the Modigliani exhibit.
The time to start this diet is now. There is no time like the present, except for the present. But even during other times it is never too late to embark on this adventure. In the past it may be too late, but we are not prepared to concede even this point in its entirety.
_____________________________________________
FDA rules require us to disclose that this diet is the subject of litigation in New Jersey.
These are the four phases of the diet: Seduction, Suction, Reduction, and Metuchen.
In Seduction, the body enters a state of suspended animation, the mind willingly suspends disbelief, and a man in a clown suit is always showing up and quoting from Parashat Emor. When dizziness sets in, you have either reached a oneness with the Source, or else you need an aspirin. In the likely event it is the latter, it is helpful to have some on hand.
During Suction, your body begins to rebel and clamor for a purge. Purging is a natural consequence of this phase, and generally follows fast on the heels of trumped up accusations and show trials. Shortly thereafter, nostalgia sets in, followed by amnesia. We admit that this phase makes no sense, and we have no idea why it is in the diet.
Tempting though it may be to suppose that Reduction is exactly what it sounds like, wrong on you! It is pronounced Re-due-see-ohn. This is to keep you on your toes. Where we can see you.
We have heard from many of our subscribers who thought we named the fourth phase as a kind of New Jersey joke. We told them "no, that is just a coincidence."
We lied.
The following foods are permitted on the diet: chicken, chicklets, chicory. Chicanery is never allowed on the diet. Cheekiness is permitted during the Re-due-see-ohn phase.
The diet only works if you purchase our companion book, cards, scale, and fun house mirror. We guarantee that you will see results immediately in the fun house mirror. This is the distinguishing feature of the regimen. No one else can say this without getting a cease and desist letter.
Do not be lulled into the false sense that everyone is sick of hearing about your diet. The opposite is true! They want you to chat about it incessantly. By name. Especially to yourself while waiting on a long line to get into the Modigliani exhibit.
The time to start this diet is now. There is no time like the present, except for the present. But even during other times it is never too late to embark on this adventure. In the past it may be too late, but we are not prepared to concede even this point in its entirety.
_____________________________________________
FDA rules require us to disclose that this diet is the subject of litigation in New Jersey.
I missed a Modigliani exhibit?
ReplyDelete