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We're making a few changes to your account. These changes are explained here. Well, "explained" may be too strong a word. But they will be listed, and you are free to read them as many times as you would like:
(1) Your interest rate will now be traded openly on the Hang Seng Index. It may fluctuate wildly, particularly if people in the Third World get all riled up and start burning tires.
(2) We reserve the unilateral right to sell your personal data to the highest bidder. You give us permission to do so simply by being you. You need not do anything else and you need not contact us!
(3) We may, without notice to you, disseminate intimate details about your personal life on the Worldwide Web. This includes photos and the "insights" you scribble on the inside front covers of books after tossing back one too many shots of bourbon to numb the pain of being jilted by somebody you could have sworn was beginning to show some interest.
(4) We may change your account number (and feign ignorance that we have done so) while you are in the middle of a heated phone conversation with a customer service representative complaining about a fraudulent charge.
(5) We may not resolve fraudulent charges in your favor if you seem guilty. You have kind of a guilty countenance. Don't you think so?
(6) If we decide that your self-image is too high, we may lower it by declining a transaction you intended to use to make a big show of your magnanimous superiority to a particularly-loathed in-law in front of everybody who matters.
(7) We may imitate your voice, call up one of your old flames, and say something that would make you want to crawl under the bed for several days if you ever found out.
These changes will appear on your next statement and take effect immediately. You can't opt out.
You may have questions. Everybody does.
(1) Your interest rate will now be traded openly on the Hang Seng Index. It may fluctuate wildly, particularly if people in the Third World get all riled up and start burning tires.
(2) We reserve the unilateral right to sell your personal data to the highest bidder. You give us permission to do so simply by being you. You need not do anything else and you need not contact us!
(3) We may, without notice to you, disseminate intimate details about your personal life on the Worldwide Web. This includes photos and the "insights" you scribble on the inside front covers of books after tossing back one too many shots of bourbon to numb the pain of being jilted by somebody you could have sworn was beginning to show some interest.
(4) We may change your account number (and feign ignorance that we have done so) while you are in the middle of a heated phone conversation with a customer service representative complaining about a fraudulent charge.
(5) We may not resolve fraudulent charges in your favor if you seem guilty. You have kind of a guilty countenance. Don't you think so?
(6) If we decide that your self-image is too high, we may lower it by declining a transaction you intended to use to make a big show of your magnanimous superiority to a particularly-loathed in-law in front of everybody who matters.
(7) We may imitate your voice, call up one of your old flames, and say something that would make you want to crawl under the bed for several days if you ever found out.
These changes will appear on your next statement and take effect immediately. You can't opt out.
You may have questions. Everybody does.
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