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HIYLH PRESIDENTIAL PARTY PLATFORM
Mission Statement:
Our publicly-stated goal is to get elected, but the party faithful and those "in" the know understand that we shall constantly be scouting prospective venues for a glittering concession party. (Can we please forgo the matzoh ball quesadillas this time? Diversity does have its limits. Franks in a blanket, or at the very least, a macramé throw, should work quite nicely for the rank and file).
Party Slogan
"Together, We Can't Do Any Worse."
Fiscal Policy
Recognizing the importance of the consumer to our economy, we will encourage liberal spending. However, because, in many instances, the service is not up to snuff, we view a twenty per cent tip as unjustified. Among other things, it promotes an inflated self-image and sloth.
Foreign Policy
The friends of our friends are our friends. The friends of our enemies are our enemies. The enemies of our enemies are our frenemies.
Environmental Policy
If every citizen were to sleep late and stay under the covers an extra hour each morning, we would cut energy consumption by fifty per cent in twenty years. It is important that we stop importing sleep from unstable dictatorships that don't like us. Of course, nobody likes us, but we prefer to be disliked in a sustainable manner. We do this, not just for ourselves, but for our children, who will be disliked long after we are gone. We owe them this legacy.
Health Policy
Whenever journalists solicit the ingredients to longevity from a 129 year-old farmer in Azerbaijan, inevitably, they are regaled with a variation of the following response: "I smoked like a chimney since I was six. I consume plenty of raw garlic, sheep's milk, and lard. I down a pint of whiskey daily. And I don't skimp on the sex." Ever in the vanguard of forward thinking, we adopt this philosophy as our own, and implore the country to practice it post-haste.
Tax Policy
We believe that taxes should be optional. Of course, we also believe that death should be optional. Thus, we are prepared to modify this plank as a concession to the "realist" wing of the party, as well as to those members who enjoy paying taxes and losing elections.
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Remember, winning isn't everything, but it is a thing
Don't wear yourself out working for democracy; make it work for you!
It's the stupid economy.
(Our slogan runners-up).
-------------------------------------------------------------
The American Midwest (especially Joplin, MO) the West, (especially Oklahoma, OK and Montana) and the South (especially Alabama), are still reeling from an unprecedented string of tornadoes and floods that wiped out entire communities during the month of May. Can you help out?
http://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=1248
Thank you on this Memorial Day to all the members of Services and their families for your sacrifice to the Nation.
Mission Statement:
Our publicly-stated goal is to get elected, but the party faithful and those "in" the know understand that we shall constantly be scouting prospective venues for a glittering concession party. (Can we please forgo the matzoh ball quesadillas this time? Diversity does have its limits. Franks in a blanket, or at the very least, a macramé throw, should work quite nicely for the rank and file).
Party Slogan
"Together, We Can't Do Any Worse."
Fiscal Policy
Recognizing the importance of the consumer to our economy, we will encourage liberal spending. However, because, in many instances, the service is not up to snuff, we view a twenty per cent tip as unjustified. Among other things, it promotes an inflated self-image and sloth.
Foreign Policy
The friends of our friends are our friends. The friends of our enemies are our enemies. The enemies of our enemies are our frenemies.
Environmental Policy
If every citizen were to sleep late and stay under the covers an extra hour each morning, we would cut energy consumption by fifty per cent in twenty years. It is important that we stop importing sleep from unstable dictatorships that don't like us. Of course, nobody likes us, but we prefer to be disliked in a sustainable manner. We do this, not just for ourselves, but for our children, who will be disliked long after we are gone. We owe them this legacy.
Health Policy
Whenever journalists solicit the ingredients to longevity from a 129 year-old farmer in Azerbaijan, inevitably, they are regaled with a variation of the following response: "I smoked like a chimney since I was six. I consume plenty of raw garlic, sheep's milk, and lard. I down a pint of whiskey daily. And I don't skimp on the sex." Ever in the vanguard of forward thinking, we adopt this philosophy as our own, and implore the country to practice it post-haste.
Tax Policy
We believe that taxes should be optional. Of course, we also believe that death should be optional. Thus, we are prepared to modify this plank as a concession to the "realist" wing of the party, as well as to those members who enjoy paying taxes and losing elections.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Remember, winning isn't everything, but it is a thing
Don't wear yourself out working for democracy; make it work for you!
It's the stupid economy.
(Our slogan runners-up).
-------------------------------------------------------------
The American Midwest (especially Joplin, MO) the West, (especially Oklahoma, OK and Montana) and the South (especially Alabama), are still reeling from an unprecedented string of tornadoes and floods that wiped out entire communities during the month of May. Can you help out?
http://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=1248
Thank you on this Memorial Day to all the members of Services and their families for your sacrifice to the Nation.
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