What's Cookin,' Good-Lookin'? (Celebrity Edition). This Week's Guest Chef: Bashar al-Assad

Good evening, Studio Audience and to all of you on-line from locations where the Internet has not been disabled. I'm your host, Fillipay.  And this is "What's Cookin,' Good-Lookin'? (Celebrity Edition)."

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Thank you.  Let's meet tonight's celebrity guest chef. He's Bashar al-Assad, the President of the Syrian Arab Republic, Regional Secretary of the Ba'ath Party, and the son of former President Hafez al-Assad.
Welcome, Mr. President.

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 Thank you, Fillipay.  It's really great to be here.

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What are you making for the people tonight, Mr. President?

I'll be cooking goose. 

Carumba! That doesn't sound very Syrian, Mr. President.

Yeah, well, I haven't been able to get out of the house for a while.  The streets are always so jammed with people, and Damascus traffic is a bitch. Plus, I really hate crowds.  I guess it runs in the family.  My dad, Hafez, really hated crowds, too, especially in places like Hama. Boy, the crowds there pissed him off! But if anyone knew how to deal with a crowd, it was my dad. Anyway, so I'm stuck at home, right? And I had to scrounge around for whatever was in the freezer, and I pulled out this big, ol' goose.  It was too wild!

That's great, Mr. President. How will you be preparing the goose for us tonight?

Oh you'll have a hernia when you see how easy it is, Fillipay! First we pound it into a fine pulp with these batons.  Here, give it a good whack.  See?  Nothing to it.  Then we take these electric cattle prods and give it a few humongous jolts.

Wow!  I've heard of molecular gastronomy infusion, but electric cattle prods?  That is truly revolutionary!

Gawd awmighty, you have no idea, Fillpay! It's a riot!

What's next, sir?

The Pièce de résistance! We shoot it at close range with this special gun.

Holy cow!  Are those real bullets you're using?

You betcha, Fillipay!  My wife and I love to make this dish at home during our "family time."   We had so much fun teaching this recipe to our kids, but it took them a while to get the hang of it, and when they were little,  the bullets would just fly everywhere.  My wife would shout "duck!" And then I would say, "don't you mean 'goose,' darling?"     And this would just send her into gales of laughter.  Sometimes, she'd have to breathe into a paper bag, she'd laugh so hard.


You are quite a cut-up, Mr. President.
 
In my high school class, I was voted class clown and also most likely to succeed!  You didn't know that about me, did you Fillipay?


No, indeed. What's your sign?

Virgo.  My birthday's 9/11. 

Explosive, my man. Well what's next?


Now we just let the bird writhe around in agony for a few hours until it's done.

Right.  We'll come back to that.  Folks, while we're waiting, consider making a financial contribution to this station.  Volunteers from the Secret Police are here tonight staffing the phones, ready to take down the amount of your donation, your name, address, and all sorts of intimate details of your private life. We're counting you.  I mean, we're counting on you.

What's all that hootenanny and hollerin' at the door?

Mr. President, it appears the building is surrounded by a gigantic crowd calling for your head.


My head!?  Real original.  Now you see why I hate crowds, Fillipay?

I think I understand, Mr. President.  But anyway, here they come!  Hello, people. Welcome to our set.

Get me outta here, Fillipay!  Get me outta here!

Oh, alright, sir.  But before you go, let's have a look at your dish.  Well now, look at that.  Mr. Bashar al-Assad, your goose is cooked!  Thanks for being on the show!

Next week on "What's Cookin,' Good-Lookin? (Celebrity Edition):"  Laurent Gbagbo, President of Côte d'Ivoire.

Good night, everybody!



[WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]