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PUTZOPOLY® (The Game of Winners and Losers) (TM)
The Rules
OBJECT
The object of the game is to avoid being a putz.
EQUIPMENT
The equipment consists of a board, 2 dice, tokens, and some Insta-Tan (TM) lotion. The tokens are as follows: The Helen Thomas Top Hat, the Louis Farrakhan Shoe, The Julian Assange Thimble, the Galliano Iron, the Charlie Sheen Car, and the Mikis Theodorakis Wheelbarrow. (Any pure coincidence is real persons, living or dead).
PREPARATION
Place the board on a table and put some random cards face-down on their allotted spaces on the board. What cards? -- You may ask, and well you should, as there was no mention of "cards" in the above-section about "Equipment." Well, any old cards will do: business cards, greeting cards, or just some kind of cards. It doesn't really make that much of a difference. Why are you getting so hung up on the cards, anyway? Just put the damn cards on the board and move on, already. Each player chooses one token to represent him (or not him) on his (or not his) travels around the board.
Wait a minute. Can we just go back to the cards for a moment? How can the cards have allotted spaces if they're just random cards? How can you have an allotted space for something that's random? What if I can't even find any cards? Are they all supposed to be the same size? Do Jokers even count as cards? This is more confusing than the assembly directions from Ikea.
Are you done?
Each player is given $15,000 divided as follows: 2 each of $500's, $100's and $50's; 6-$20's; 5 each of $10's, $5's and $1's.
A. That doesn't add up to $15,000. It only adds up to $1,500.
B. Where is this money supposed to come from? When the game starts, somebody shows up and just starts doling out cash?
Or what?
All remaining money and other equipment go to the Bank. Make sure it's the one bank that hasn't yet been taken over by all the other banks.
And another thing, the Galliano Iron is ugly.
BANKER
Select as Banker a player who has good credit. Have him (or not him) apply for a home equity loan. $100,000 is a good starting point, but if new cabinets were installed recently, maybe you could get more. If the Banker plays in the game, he (or not he) must keep his (or not his) personal funds separate from those of the Bank. And good luck with that.
Also, the Banker is allowed to cheat.
It's Right here. In the Rules. Under "Banker."
THE BANK
The Bank stacks the deck, pays bonuses (to the Banker), and turns down loans to other players (even to those who have not even applied for a loan) when required or whenever it feels like it. Restrooms are not for public use. Even if you are playing in your own house, you have to ask the Bank for permission to go to the bathroom. Why?
It's right here. In the Rules. Under "Bank."
The Bank never goes "broke" Well, that's not really true. The Bank goes "broke" plenty. But if it does, it's taking everybody down with it.
THE PLAY
Starting with the Banker, each player in turn throws the dice. After the Banker throws the dice, the other players have to scurry around to find them, pick them up, and bring them back to the playing board. The player who finds the dice first may keep one for the afikomen. He (or not he) places his (or not his) token on the corner marked "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?" throws 2 dice and moves his (or not his) token in the direction of the arrow the number of spaces indicated by the dice. After he (or not he) has completed his (or not his) play, the turn to play passes to the left. If the players are arrayed in single file, instead of sitting around a table, like normal people, this will be impossible and the game will then be over. At this point, the players may write the words "GAME OVER" on poster board, and run out into the street in search of a camera crew. The tokens remain on the spaces occupied and proceed from that point on the player's next turn. How can they just do that by themselves with the players abandoning the board and running out into the street? Good question.
This is where the random cards come into the picture.
If a player throws doubles, he (or not he) moves his token as usual the sum of the two dice and is subject to any privileges or penalties pertaining to the space on which he (or not he) lands. Whatever the hell that means. If a player throws doubles three times in succession, he (or not he) moves his (or not his) token immediately to the space marked "In Jail," with the exception of the Helen Thomas Top Hat, which, let's face it, has suffered enough.
"WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?"
Each time a player's token lands on or passes over "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?" whether by throw of the dice or by drawing a (random) card, the Banker cuts him (or not him) $200 "salary." What do you think are the chances of drawing a card that says "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?" when you have gotten your cards by cannibalizing an old game of CLUE or some stupid, ripped thing that was stuck to the refrigerator? Mighty slim. The $200 is meant to buy your complacency so that you don't scribble "GAME OVER" and run out into the street.
How's that working out so far?
JAIL
There is a "get out of jail free" card, but it is reserved for the Banker. The other players may use the "ankle bracelet" cards if they can find them in the random pile.
From Jail, a player may buy or sell property, collect rents, tamper with witnesses, and run for office.
INCOME TAX
(See "Banker" and "Jail").
FREE PARKING
Yeah, sure.
BANKRUPTCY
A player is bankrupt when he (or not he) owes more than he (or not he) can pay to the Bank. So, for that matter, is a city, town, state, or country. In the end the Bank gets it all.
It's right here. In the Rules. Under "Bankruptcy."
The player whose token has managed not to utter an ethnic slur for the duration of play has avoided being a putz and is the winner.
If there's any Insta-Tan (TM) left, he (or not he) can slather it all the Julian Assange Thimble, which is looking a tad pale.
Must be a conspiracy.
_____________________
The PUTZOPOLY® trademark and its logo, the distinctive design of the game board, each of the distinctive elements of the board, and the ridiculous anti-Semitic playing pieces are trademarks of Havurah, Inc. © 1935, 1936, 1998 Havurah, Inc.
1959, 1977, 1985, 1991 (Other years).
Good years, though.
1998 (another year).
The Rules
OBJECT
The object of the game is to avoid being a putz.
EQUIPMENT
The equipment consists of a board, 2 dice, tokens, and some Insta-Tan (TM) lotion. The tokens are as follows: The Helen Thomas Top Hat, the Louis Farrakhan Shoe, The Julian Assange Thimble, the Galliano Iron, the Charlie Sheen Car, and the Mikis Theodorakis Wheelbarrow. (Any pure coincidence is real persons, living or dead).
PREPARATION
Place the board on a table and put some random cards face-down on their allotted spaces on the board. What cards? -- You may ask, and well you should, as there was no mention of "cards" in the above-section about "Equipment." Well, any old cards will do: business cards, greeting cards, or just some kind of cards. It doesn't really make that much of a difference. Why are you getting so hung up on the cards, anyway? Just put the damn cards on the board and move on, already. Each player chooses one token to represent him (or not him) on his (or not his) travels around the board.
Wait a minute. Can we just go back to the cards for a moment? How can the cards have allotted spaces if they're just random cards? How can you have an allotted space for something that's random? What if I can't even find any cards? Are they all supposed to be the same size? Do Jokers even count as cards? This is more confusing than the assembly directions from Ikea.
Are you done?
Each player is given $15,000 divided as follows: 2 each of $500's, $100's and $50's; 6-$20's; 5 each of $10's, $5's and $1's.
A. That doesn't add up to $15,000. It only adds up to $1,500.
B. Where is this money supposed to come from? When the game starts, somebody shows up and just starts doling out cash?
Or what?
All remaining money and other equipment go to the Bank. Make sure it's the one bank that hasn't yet been taken over by all the other banks.
And another thing, the Galliano Iron is ugly.
BANKER
Select as Banker a player who has good credit. Have him (or not him) apply for a home equity loan. $100,000 is a good starting point, but if new cabinets were installed recently, maybe you could get more. If the Banker plays in the game, he (or not he) must keep his (or not his) personal funds separate from those of the Bank. And good luck with that.
Also, the Banker is allowed to cheat.
It's Right here. In the Rules. Under "Banker."
THE BANK
The Bank stacks the deck, pays bonuses (to the Banker), and turns down loans to other players (even to those who have not even applied for a loan) when required or whenever it feels like it. Restrooms are not for public use. Even if you are playing in your own house, you have to ask the Bank for permission to go to the bathroom. Why?
It's right here. In the Rules. Under "Bank."
The Bank never goes "broke" Well, that's not really true. The Bank goes "broke" plenty. But if it does, it's taking everybody down with it.
THE PLAY
Starting with the Banker, each player in turn throws the dice. After the Banker throws the dice, the other players have to scurry around to find them, pick them up, and bring them back to the playing board. The player who finds the dice first may keep one for the afikomen. He (or not he) places his (or not his) token on the corner marked "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?" throws 2 dice and moves his (or not his) token in the direction of the arrow the number of spaces indicated by the dice. After he (or not he) has completed his (or not his) play, the turn to play passes to the left. If the players are arrayed in single file, instead of sitting around a table, like normal people, this will be impossible and the game will then be over. At this point, the players may write the words "GAME OVER" on poster board, and run out into the street in search of a camera crew. The tokens remain on the spaces occupied and proceed from that point on the player's next turn. How can they just do that by themselves with the players abandoning the board and running out into the street? Good question.
This is where the random cards come into the picture.
If a player throws doubles, he (or not he) moves his token as usual the sum of the two dice and is subject to any privileges or penalties pertaining to the space on which he (or not he) lands. Whatever the hell that means. If a player throws doubles three times in succession, he (or not he) moves his (or not his) token immediately to the space marked "In Jail," with the exception of the Helen Thomas Top Hat, which, let's face it, has suffered enough.
"WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?"
Each time a player's token lands on or passes over "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?" whether by throw of the dice or by drawing a (random) card, the Banker cuts him (or not him) $200 "salary." What do you think are the chances of drawing a card that says "WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?" when you have gotten your cards by cannibalizing an old game of CLUE or some stupid, ripped thing that was stuck to the refrigerator? Mighty slim. The $200 is meant to buy your complacency so that you don't scribble "GAME OVER" and run out into the street.
How's that working out so far?
JAIL
There is a "get out of jail free" card, but it is reserved for the Banker. The other players may use the "ankle bracelet" cards if they can find them in the random pile.
From Jail, a player may buy or sell property, collect rents, tamper with witnesses, and run for office.
INCOME TAX
(See "Banker" and "Jail").
FREE PARKING
Yeah, sure.
BANKRUPTCY
A player is bankrupt when he (or not he) owes more than he (or not he) can pay to the Bank. So, for that matter, is a city, town, state, or country. In the end the Bank gets it all.
It's right here. In the Rules. Under "Bankruptcy."
The player whose token has managed not to utter an ethnic slur for the duration of play has avoided being a putz and is the winner.
If there's any Insta-Tan (TM) left, he (or not he) can slather it all the Julian Assange Thimble, which is looking a tad pale.
Must be a conspiracy.
_____________________
The PUTZOPOLY® trademark and its logo, the distinctive design of the game board, each of the distinctive elements of the board, and the ridiculous anti-Semitic playing pieces are trademarks of Havurah, Inc. © 1935, 1936, 1998 Havurah, Inc.
1959, 1977, 1985, 1991 (Other years).
Good years, though.
1998 (another year).
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