The Banality of the Near Death Experience

Describe your near death experience.

My soul rose up out of my unconscious body so that I could see everything in the hospital room and hear everything that was being discussed. This would have been fine, except that instead of hovering at a safe distance like a normal soul, mine kept floating  upwards until it bumped its head on the ceiling.

What emotion were you experiencing at this time?

It’s hard to put into words.  It felt sort of like a klop in der kopf.

You could hear what people were saying even though you were unconscious?

Yes. My family members were gathered around, and I could hear the doctor say to them, “call me crazy, but I feel like we’re being watched from overhead.”  Then he started looking under all the plants for listening devices.

How did your family members react to this?

Exactly as I knew they would.  They made a bee-line for the cafeteria because it was meatloaf Tuesday.

Why had you come into the hospital in the first place?

To give a urine sample.  And the next thing you know, my soul is pulling a nutty.

After your soul hit the ceiling, what happened?

I started to cross over into another dimension, but it was taking a long time.

Why is that?

Who knows?  There was some kind of hold-up, as tends to happen in these experiences. One of the souls at the front was having trouble getting their shoes back on or something. My soul kept thinking to itself: ‘What!?  No loafers!?  Gimme a break!’

Did you meet any departed relatives or spirit guides when you crossed over?

There were beings there who were just glowing inside and out. I’m fairly certain they were guides.

How could you tell?

They were holding umbrellas aloft so that the souls in their group could see where they were at all times and not get lost.

Did you feel an unconditional love emanating from these spirit guides?

Kind of.  Actually, it was more like unconditional annoyance. But it was very loving.

Why were they annoyed?

Well, I have that effect on people.  Also on spirits, evidently. 

Did these guides have a particular sex?

Oh, not at all.  They were Canadians, I’m pretty sure, but beyond that, it was all very ambiguous.

What makes you think they were Canadian?

Nobody seemed to hate them.  And they kept saying “Je me souviens” and crazy stuff like that.

Were you shown a retrospective of your life?

I was shown a “highlights reel,” I guess you’d call it. A lot of it consisted of close-ups of restaurant tabs.

Restaurant tabs?

Yes. Apparently I have left sub-optimal tips in a number of establishments during my lifetime.  So in the highlights reel,  there would be a close-up of a restaurant tab, and then the scene would cut to the wait-staff weeping in the back room (I guess to demonstrate how my life has touched others).

Did the spirits communicate with you during these moments?

  There was a lot of tisking. It was telepathic, to be sure, but it was unmistakable as an admonishment all the same.

At some point, were you given a choice about staying on the other side or coming back to your body?

No.  Pretty much they said (telepathically, remember):  “Time to go.” All-in-all, they were pretty decent about things, and courteous, of course, but it was pretty clear they wanted me to leave.

Did they tell you that, even though all was perfection where you were, you would need to return to Earth, to a body in pain or in need of healing?

What healing?  I had given a urine sample and  passed out for a spell.  Frankly, I think my soul jumped the gun.

Didn’t you have questions for the spirits?

Yes, but after the first one, I could tell they were reaching their breaking point.

Did you confirm that suffering is good of the soul?

It turns out that’s a crock. Hedonism is good for the soul among other things.

Surely they instructed you that one gains merit in the afterlife through the performance of good deeds in the material world?

Nope. According to them, it’s every man for himself.

That’s what the spirits told you?

In a manner of speaking.  Or, actually, not.  They give you a look.  They don’t have to say anything.

Are you sure you really had this experience and that these were bona-fide afterlife spirits?

Look.  I trusted them. They had name tags that said things like:  “Hello my name is ________.  Welcome to the Afterlife.”

But none of this seems to fit the NDE model established through thousands of interviews.  Your story just doesn’t ring true.

Oh yeah?  Then my soul would like to get its money back.  And I’ll tell you another thing;  the commemorative Afterlife pen has started to leak already.