The Worst Introduction of All Time

The person who was to introduce today’s speaker is stuck on an elevator so I have to do it. According to these notes, Doctor Meckler is a doctor in the same sense that Duke Ellington was a duke, or Count Basie was a count, or Queen Latifa is a queen, or Elvis Presley was a king,  or Michael Jackson was a king, or B.B. King is a king. Well, not exactly like B.B. King, because he’s also a king the way Larry King is a king, or Alan King was a king, or Martin Luther King was a king, or Carole King is a king, or Billie Jean King is a king, or Stephen King is a king, or King Vidor was a king. After you say “king” enough times in a row, it starts to sound royally strange.

Doctor Meckler has read dozens of authored books, many of which are household names.  In fact, one of the books that Dr. Meckler nearly finished last year is entitled, appropriately enough, “Household Names.”

A while back, there was a rumor that Dr. Meckler was on a short list of candidates to receive an honorary doctor of something from a school indifferent to its accreditation status, but the dean who was pushing the nomination got stuck in the subway, and we see how history sometimes repeats itself and life comes full circle.

Dr. Meckler can count to eight in 12 languages, eleven of which are totally made up – by Dr. Meckler.  The Meckler Academy of Talking (there’s that "king" word hiding --see it?) works tirelessly to try to peddle these languages to unpopular countries and splinter groups whose own native tongues have become a little farshtuken, so far, without much success. 

But “perseverance” is the catchword at the Meckler Academy of Talking. Others liken this catchword to a leaky faucet that runs all day and night until the peculiar behaviors resulting from sleep deprivation set in. The Meckler Academy of Talking follows the economy-of-words approach, so it prefers “perseverance” to that other description.

Well-known to various faculty members and administrators at some of our more renowned institutions of higher learning, as well as to the campus police at these ivy-covered halls, Dr. Meckler has distinguished himself in academia by successfully deflecting a number of stalking allegations. He has also been the distinguished recipient of more lifetime bans than any other person in his field.

The subject of this afternoon’s talk is talking – the kind that, with high-pressure sales techniques, either gets people to give you money or apply for a court order.

There will be a brief question period following the Talk. Dr. Meckler generally does not provide answers, but he has agreed to sign books or other things you may have on your person.

Our speaker will be keeping his remarks to a minimum because the cafeteria closes at 5.