THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE HIYLH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN HAS NOT CRASHED AND BURNED; THE BAD NEWS IS THAT WE CAN SAY THIS ONLY BECAUSE IT NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND.

MEMO

From:  the HIYLH junior staff (or what's left of it)

To: The person who calls himself the "campaign manager" and makes sure all the pencils are sharpened and at the ready. 

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We have market-tested this draft speech and nobody died.  We are confident that, among all the drafts we have prepared, the following draft speech stands the best chance of resonating with someone. In the spirit of full disclosure, we should add that the following draft is the only one we have prepared. (Note: we recommend with the strongest sense of urgency that this speech NOT be delivered in a falsetto sing-song).

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My fellow citizens and people with fake I.D.s.,  I am going to tell you the bare-naked truth. I am eminently unqualified to be president or to hold any elective office whatsoever. In this, I am no different than any of the other candidates.  But I am the only one who will come out and say it. You can always count on me to tell you the unvarnished truth.  I don't know what the capital of Khazakhstan is,  for example.  My familiarity with the Stans is a little light.  I admit it.

You may ask where I stand on the big issues of our time.  And that is fair. I will never shy from any question. Especially that one. Where do I stand on the big issues of our time, you ask?  I stand athwart them. That's where. I'm not afraid to say it.

I don't have any skeletons in the closet. I do, however, have some shirts shoved up into a corner that I haven't been able to reach for about 14 years. In matters of sartorial splendor, don't get me started.
 
Sometimes I hear voices in my head.  Not the lofty voice of the Creator urging me to do great things for the Nation.  It's more of a nasally, high-pitched kind of whine telling me to feed the cat.  For all I know, it may very well be the cat. I don't think this is an impediment to serving.  Millard Filmore was said to have heard voices in his head.  Voices telling him to feed the cat.  He did just fine as president -- even though his name was Millard. Sounds kind of like a duck. Go ahead and fact-check that.  I dare you.

This country is in a pickle.  It's also in a mess, a spot, a jam, a funk, a downward spiral, and a heap 'o trouble. But we are an extraordinary people. We still believe in Fahrenheit. That is why illegal aliens from all over the world risk their lives to come here.  Because they live in countries where nobody has any idea what the temperature is. 

On my very first day as president, I vow to have a really big party and appoint all my friends to be secretary of the treasury and ambassador to Monaco and Sergeant-at-arms, and yeoman of the bowman. On my very second day as president, I am going to take a golf lesson.

Jobs.  Jobs.  Jobs. I have no idea why I just said that.  The other candidates say it a lot. But how many of them say this?  Personal Day.  Personal Day.  Personal Day.  I'm the only one. Go ahead and fact-check it.  I dare you.

Friends, it's time to roll up our sleeves and get to work.  But before we do, we will have to roll up our sleeves again.  because no matter how much we roll up our sleeves, they keep falling down. It's annoying as hell. We are prepared to work with long sleeves if need be. Even if they dip into a sink full of soapy water now and again.

 Our best days are still ahead of us.  Our worst days are still behind us. Casual Fridays are to our right. Hump day has to sit at the kids' table. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. 
  
When I look around this great country of ours, I mostly see the backs of other people's heads, because, by the time I get there, all the good viewing spaces are already taken.  And that is, fundamentally, why I want to be President.  Sure, to help people and what not.  But mostly, so that I don't have to wait on line. No other candidate will tell you that.  I just did.

Go ahead and fact-check it.  I dare you.

Together, we can't do any worse.