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Congratulations on purchasing your new GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM). You have taken three baby steps forward in the effort to conserve water and save money!
Here are a few things we inadvertently omitted from our Internet promotion. These are things you will need to know in order to make the product work.
First: You can't just put the GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM) out in the yard, and kiss your water bills "adios il mio ami." No bones about it. (Isaiah 26:19).
Second: You will need a few tools (NOT INCLUDED with your GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM). These are:
-- a hacksaw
-- a 30-foot length of iodized super-tensile copper wire. (WARNING: Do not try to skimp on a cheap imitation, as you could get electrocuted!)
-- 147 industrial-strength roofing nails
-- a ball-peen hammer
-- a pneumatic drill
-- a backhoe
-- 13 sticks of dynamite
-- a Number 2 pencil
Most of these items can be obtained from general stores.
Some cannot.
Third: Before attempting to use the above-referenced tools, please consult all applicable local ordinances to determine certification requirements. if certification is required, and you are not so certified, enroll in an appropriate vocational program. In many cases, financial aid is available.
Fourth: Follow the below instructions to the letter. DO NOT SKIP ANY STEP.
A. Disable ALL underground gas mains appurtenant to your property.
C. Using the backhoe, dig a test pit approximately 6 feet deep by 3 feet wide. (Save the dirt; you will need it for later).
D Lay the sticks of dynamite evenly spaced about 2 inches apart in a cross-hatch pattern.
E. Evacuate the neighborhood.
F. Light the dynamite to loosen any shale or large boulders remaining in the substrata.
G. With the Number 2 pencil, make 147 marks in the approximate locations of your home's foundation, siding, and roof where you will be hammering in the roofing nails.
H. Hammer in the roofing nails. IMPORTANT: Avoid driving the nails all the way through to the interior spaces of your home, as this will cause water-flow to be diverted away from your GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM).
I. If the walls of the test pit have not collapsed in on themselves, carefully lower the GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM) to the surface taking great care to ensure that it is level with the horizon at the time of the vernal equinox.
J. Using the hacksaw, carefully cut a 3-foot length from the downspout closest to the location of the test pit. If the downspout closest to the test pit is situated on the abutting property, obtain an easement from a court of competent jurisdiction before proceeding with this step. (You will know that you are sliding the hacksaw at the correct angle if it makes a loud noise somewhat akin to the sound of a screeching baby giraffe galloping away from would-be poachers).
K. Lash the copper wire back and forth between the GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM)'s flexi-hose and the hack-sawed downspout.
L. Because the price of copper has skyrocketed, construction site thefts are commonplace. This is where the ball-peen hammer comes in.
M. Using the backhoe, fill the test pit with the loose dirt up to the second yellow line.
Be sure to remove the protective laminate from the bottom of the GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM).
That's it. You're done. Simple.
Let it rain!
(Note: Instructions available in Spanish upon written request -- in English)
Here are a few things we inadvertently omitted from our Internet promotion. These are things you will need to know in order to make the product work.
First: You can't just put the GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM) out in the yard, and kiss your water bills "adios il mio ami." No bones about it. (Isaiah 26:19).
Second: You will need a few tools (NOT INCLUDED with your GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM). These are:
-- a hacksaw
-- a 30-foot length of iodized super-tensile copper wire. (WARNING: Do not try to skimp on a cheap imitation, as you could get electrocuted!)
-- 147 industrial-strength roofing nails
-- a ball-peen hammer
-- a pneumatic drill
-- a backhoe
-- 13 sticks of dynamite
-- a Number 2 pencil
Most of these items can be obtained from general stores.
Some cannot.
Third: Before attempting to use the above-referenced tools, please consult all applicable local ordinances to determine certification requirements. if certification is required, and you are not so certified, enroll in an appropriate vocational program. In many cases, financial aid is available.
Fourth: Follow the below instructions to the letter. DO NOT SKIP ANY STEP.
A. Disable ALL underground gas mains appurtenant to your property.
C. Using the backhoe, dig a test pit approximately 6 feet deep by 3 feet wide. (Save the dirt; you will need it for later).
D Lay the sticks of dynamite evenly spaced about 2 inches apart in a cross-hatch pattern.
E. Evacuate the neighborhood.
F. Light the dynamite to loosen any shale or large boulders remaining in the substrata.
G. With the Number 2 pencil, make 147 marks in the approximate locations of your home's foundation, siding, and roof where you will be hammering in the roofing nails.
H. Hammer in the roofing nails. IMPORTANT: Avoid driving the nails all the way through to the interior spaces of your home, as this will cause water-flow to be diverted away from your GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM).
I. If the walls of the test pit have not collapsed in on themselves, carefully lower the GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM) to the surface taking great care to ensure that it is level with the horizon at the time of the vernal equinox.
J. Using the hacksaw, carefully cut a 3-foot length from the downspout closest to the location of the test pit. If the downspout closest to the test pit is situated on the abutting property, obtain an easement from a court of competent jurisdiction before proceeding with this step. (You will know that you are sliding the hacksaw at the correct angle if it makes a loud noise somewhat akin to the sound of a screeching baby giraffe galloping away from would-be poachers).
K. Lash the copper wire back and forth between the GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM)'s flexi-hose and the hack-sawed downspout.
L. Because the price of copper has skyrocketed, construction site thefts are commonplace. This is where the ball-peen hammer comes in.
M. Using the backhoe, fill the test pit with the loose dirt up to the second yellow line.
Be sure to remove the protective laminate from the bottom of the GreeN RaiN BarreL (TM).
That's it. You're done. Simple.
Let it rain!
(Note: Instructions available in Spanish upon written request -- in English)
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