Voyeurism 101

I had to stop using the binoculars from the upstairs den to spy on the neighbors hanging out in swimwear on their freshly-built backyard deck, because I could see the wife close-up with a hand on her hip shaking her free fist in my direction menacingly and evidently screaming something at the top of her lungs. While I could not hear what she was saying, as the windows were sealed shut and the air conditioning was cranked up to warp speed, I got a pretty good handle on her meaning with some focused lip reading.  It was, approximately: "I-am-going-to-call-the-police-you-motherfucking-pervert-and-I-am-going-to-get-my-husband-to-come-over-and-break-every-bone-in-your-face."  But I could have been off by a word or two.

They say that necessity is the mother of invention, and this is how my periscope came into being. I won't disclose how it was constructed, because the patent is pending. Suffice it to say that, crude though it may be, it is, nonetheless, effective.

The issue of sound has yet to be worked out, especially after the neighbors discovered all the microphones in the hedges connected with wires leading over the fence to our property. Naturally, we played dumb and blamed all on the cat. According to the attorneys, this general denial will have to be buffed up a bit when the case finally comes to trial. In the meantime, the 500-foot stay-away court order has not dimmed the prospects for innovation to sustain this important hobby research.

Painstaking analysis over many months of careful observation has led to the conclusion that my imaginings about what my neighbors talk about in their "private" moments, and what they actually discuss bear absolutely no relation to one another. This is just one of the perils of having a hyperactive imagination tinged with an unquenchable inquisitiveness. A lesser explorer might have abandoned the project long ago, but I am disciplined, and governed by a deep and abiding need to know.

For example, just the other day, while lying flat on my back on the floor (having double-bolted all the doors), and wearing a bullet-proof vest and a helmet, eyes glued to the periscope viewfinder with the other end of the device pressed surreptitiously against the glass, I had an unobstructed view of my neighbors deep in conversation. As per usual, the audio portion of their dialogue was out of range, but I filled in the blanks.

She was reclining comfortably on a chaise lounge reading a glossy Botox magazine, and he was standing before her, tattooed and shirtless, holding what looked to be about a thousand pounds of tile in his arms, having just chopped down three trees  and skinned a deer, which now swung discreetly from a nearby branch.

Here's what they probably were saying to one another:

She:  Have you fixed the drain in the downstairs bathroom, yet?

He: I can't find the pliers.

She:  What are you saying? I didn't take the stupid pliers.

He: I wasn't accusing you.  I can't find them is all.

She: I asked you to fix the drain 2 weeks ago.

He:  Yeah, yeah.  O.K.  What's for lunch?

She: Meatballs.


Even though I have come to realize that the above conversation is a more likely re-creation of their actual speech, here's what I fantasized they were saying to each other:


She:  My friends are coming over for a lingerie party and pillow fight this afternoon, and we'll need you to join in. You'll be the only man there.  If it goes on too late, they'll probably have to spend the night.
 
He: I can't find the pliers.

She:  You're going to bring the pliers? Wow! That's kinky.

He: Oh, boy!  You said it!  We're gonna have us some fun!


She: I asked you to stock up on massage oil 2 weeks ago.  Did you do it?


He:  Yeah, yeah.  Don't worry.  What's for lunch?


She: Meatballs.





Clearly, my neighbors have too much time on their hands.  All the same, I am willing to make  sacrifices for the good of science.

Unfortunately, I can't call my periscope a "camera obscura," because the Patent Office claims somebody else already thought of that 1,450 years ago. This is somewhat disappointing, but I am undeterred, and so will press on with this work.

Another benefit of the periscope is that it is a pretty effective tool for bird-watching when the neighbors aren't around.  In these moments, I usually jettison the helmet.