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(HIYLH Live from Paris -- Part II)
by Manny Moliere
Introduction by Auf Wiederzane
INTRODUCTION
I am Auf Wiederzane. How do you do?
The Players
Tartuffe -- a postal supervisor
Pedrolino -- a postal clerk
Madame Pernelle -- a customer waiting on line
Orgon -- another customer waiting on line
Mandelbaum -- a taxpayer from a foreign land
Mis en Scene - A post office, Paris
Mandelbaum is trying to buy stamps for some post cards. Pedrolino is the clerk on duty at the counter. Tartuffe stands next to Pedrolino to offer helpful tips about regulations enforced by the European Union having to do with the mailing of animal parts, dry ice, blood, and so forth. Madame Pernelle and Orgon wait impatiently on line behind Mandelbaum. Orgon is dressed in white from head to toe. It is very hot and the refusal to switch on any fans in the building has become a point of pride with the government employees who manage it. Mandelbaum, post cards in hand, steps up to the counter with fear and loathing.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Mandelbaum: Bon jour kind sir and by the way…
Pedrolino: What iz it zat you want today?
Mandelbaum: To mail these post cards straight away. They’re all from the Musee D’Orsay.
Tartuffe: You’ll have to put zem on ze scale.
Mandelbaum: But they’re just cards…
Pedrolino: Zat makes zem mail.
Mandelbaum: We pay one rate from where I hail.
Tartuffe: Ze law’s ze law, we shan’t risk jail!
Mandelbaum: This is insane! They have no weight!
Orgon: (whispering loudly to Madame Pernelle behind Mandelbaum) And how much longer must we wait?
Madame Pernelle: (so loudly that the persons sitting in the first 3 rows will develop otitis media temporarily) I second that; I’m running late!
Pedrolino: (to Tartuffe) Another county heard from, boss.
Tartuffe: (to the assembly) No service if you make us cross!
(Pedrolino points to a big bag of golf clubs leaning up against the counter. These are there gratuitously, and do not advance the plot one jot).
Pedrolino: Who left zose zere? Zey have to go.
Mandelbaum: Whose woods these are, I think I know. His house is in Poughkeepsie, though.
Orgon (addressing Pedrolino): Can you please hurry -- any chance?
Pedrolino: Monsieur, it’s not ze Tour de France.
Mandelbaum: (indicating the post cards) These can’t go on the Internet.
Pedrolino: Indeed, it’s not invented yet.
Mandelbaum: Vous etes meshugge a la tete! Why are these rules so difficile?
Pedrolino: Ze postmaster’s an imbecile.
Mandelbaum: If I complain, will that solve it?
Pedrolino: Just fill zese forms in triplicate.
Mandelbaum: And then you’ll send them right away?
Pedrolino: Au Ministere du Je ne Sais.
Madame Pernelle: The man just wants to buy some stamps.
Pedrolino: It’s not so simple…
Orgon: Oy! My cramps!
Madame Pernelle and Pedrolino: (in unison): You have cramps!!?
Orgon: In my feet from standing so.
Tartuffe: Asseyez vous. Enjoy the show.
Mandelbaum: Will you please mail my postcards, now? I’ll weigh them if you show me how.
Pedrolino: Ze machinn broke; you’re out of luck.
Mandelbaum: Well, then, who do I have to..
Madame Pernelle: I’m stuck! Mon Dieu! This wait’s too much to bear.
Pedrolino: Don’t get your kishkes in a tear.
Madame Pernelle: You cheeky man! I’m out the door!
Pedrolino: Au revoir, Madame. And tout alors!
(A huff appears mysteriously out of nowhere and she leaves in it, stage right. As she does so, her purse flies open and several shoplifted curios come tumbling out. Pedrolino calls after her.)
Pedrolino: Your tchocthkes all fell to the floor!
Tartuffe: Oh let her go; she was a bore.
Mandelbaum: What about my stamps, Monsieur?
Pedrolino: What about zem, foreigner?
Mandelbaum: I need to have them this minn-it.
Pedrolino: You must obtain ze mail permit.
Mandelbaum: A mail perm…Monsieur, I think you’re full of…
Orgon: That’s it! I’m leaving, too. I’ve heard the last!
(The wee-wah wee-wah sound of a French police siren blares from stage left. Enter Inspector Clouseau).
Clouseau: Attendez vous! And not so fast!
Pedrolino: Clouseau! You’re not listed in zis play!
Clouseau: I had to show up, anyway. I’m on a case of fashion fraud. I strike before ze trail goes froid! (to Orgon) Monsieur, you are under arrest. Your white suit’s one all France detests. Your shoes don’t go with your silk vest. Your rhymes are worse than all ze rest.
Orgon: How did you know that it was I?
Clouseau: Madame Pernelle’s a police spy. Do not underestimate ze cops. We cannot tolerate ze fops (like you).
Tartuffe: Zat does not scan, Dear Inspecteur.
Clouseau: Please do not interfere, Monsieur.
(Clouseau snaps his fingers and two gendarmes appear and take Orgon away in chains).
Tartuffe (addressing the audience): And so we now can close ze play. Ze moral’s clear, if I dare say. (addressing Pedrolino) Tell zem, sil vous connasais.
Pedrolino: Don’t wear white post- Labor Day.
Mandelbaum: My postage now, sir, sil vous plait.
Tartuffe: Impossible! We’re now ferme'!
(He posts a large sign that says:
“Passage interdit jour et nuit sauf Lun. et Ven. de 9:45h - 13:25 h. Resignment. Rappel. Securite au officales. Signe incomprehensible” and escorts Mandelbaum to the door.
Exeunt ensemble to Fanfares, drums and flourishes.
Pomp & Circumstance.
Swing your partner dosey-doe.
Curtain.
-Fin-
by Manny Moliere
Introduction by Auf Wiederzane
INTRODUCTION
I am Auf Wiederzane. How do you do?
The Players
Tartuffe -- a postal supervisor
Pedrolino -- a postal clerk
Madame Pernelle -- a customer waiting on line
Orgon -- another customer waiting on line
Mandelbaum -- a taxpayer from a foreign land
Mis en Scene - A post office, Paris
Mandelbaum is trying to buy stamps for some post cards. Pedrolino is the clerk on duty at the counter. Tartuffe stands next to Pedrolino to offer helpful tips about regulations enforced by the European Union having to do with the mailing of animal parts, dry ice, blood, and so forth. Madame Pernelle and Orgon wait impatiently on line behind Mandelbaum. Orgon is dressed in white from head to toe. It is very hot and the refusal to switch on any fans in the building has become a point of pride with the government employees who manage it. Mandelbaum, post cards in hand, steps up to the counter with fear and loathing.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Mandelbaum: Bon jour kind sir and by the way…
Pedrolino: What iz it zat you want today?
Mandelbaum: To mail these post cards straight away. They’re all from the Musee D’Orsay.
Tartuffe: You’ll have to put zem on ze scale.
Mandelbaum: But they’re just cards…
Pedrolino: Zat makes zem mail.
Mandelbaum: We pay one rate from where I hail.
Tartuffe: Ze law’s ze law, we shan’t risk jail!
Mandelbaum: This is insane! They have no weight!
Orgon: (whispering loudly to Madame Pernelle behind Mandelbaum) And how much longer must we wait?
Madame Pernelle: (so loudly that the persons sitting in the first 3 rows will develop otitis media temporarily) I second that; I’m running late!
Pedrolino: (to Tartuffe) Another county heard from, boss.
Tartuffe: (to the assembly) No service if you make us cross!
(Pedrolino points to a big bag of golf clubs leaning up against the counter. These are there gratuitously, and do not advance the plot one jot).
Pedrolino: Who left zose zere? Zey have to go.
Mandelbaum: Whose woods these are, I think I know. His house is in Poughkeepsie, though.
Orgon (addressing Pedrolino): Can you please hurry -- any chance?
Pedrolino: Monsieur, it’s not ze Tour de France.
Mandelbaum: (indicating the post cards) These can’t go on the Internet.
Pedrolino: Indeed, it’s not invented yet.
Mandelbaum: Vous etes meshugge a la tete! Why are these rules so difficile?
Pedrolino: Ze postmaster’s an imbecile.
Mandelbaum: If I complain, will that solve it?
Pedrolino: Just fill zese forms in triplicate.
Mandelbaum: And then you’ll send them right away?
Pedrolino: Au Ministere du Je ne Sais.
Madame Pernelle: The man just wants to buy some stamps.
Pedrolino: It’s not so simple…
Orgon: Oy! My cramps!
Madame Pernelle and Pedrolino: (in unison): You have cramps!!?
Orgon: In my feet from standing so.
Tartuffe: Asseyez vous. Enjoy the show.
Mandelbaum: Will you please mail my postcards, now? I’ll weigh them if you show me how.
Pedrolino: Ze machinn broke; you’re out of luck.
Mandelbaum: Well, then, who do I have to..
Madame Pernelle: I’m stuck! Mon Dieu! This wait’s too much to bear.
Pedrolino: Don’t get your kishkes in a tear.
Madame Pernelle: You cheeky man! I’m out the door!
Pedrolino: Au revoir, Madame. And tout alors!
(A huff appears mysteriously out of nowhere and she leaves in it, stage right. As she does so, her purse flies open and several shoplifted curios come tumbling out. Pedrolino calls after her.)
Pedrolino: Your tchocthkes all fell to the floor!
Tartuffe: Oh let her go; she was a bore.
Mandelbaum: What about my stamps, Monsieur?
Pedrolino: What about zem, foreigner?
Mandelbaum: I need to have them this minn-it.
Pedrolino: You must obtain ze mail permit.
Mandelbaum: A mail perm…Monsieur, I think you’re full of…
Orgon: That’s it! I’m leaving, too. I’ve heard the last!
(The wee-wah wee-wah sound of a French police siren blares from stage left. Enter Inspector Clouseau).
Clouseau: Attendez vous! And not so fast!
Pedrolino: Clouseau! You’re not listed in zis play!
Clouseau: I had to show up, anyway. I’m on a case of fashion fraud. I strike before ze trail goes froid! (to Orgon) Monsieur, you are under arrest. Your white suit’s one all France detests. Your shoes don’t go with your silk vest. Your rhymes are worse than all ze rest.
Orgon: How did you know that it was I?
Clouseau: Madame Pernelle’s a police spy. Do not underestimate ze cops. We cannot tolerate ze fops (like you).
Tartuffe: Zat does not scan, Dear Inspecteur.
Clouseau: Please do not interfere, Monsieur.
(Clouseau snaps his fingers and two gendarmes appear and take Orgon away in chains).
Tartuffe (addressing the audience): And so we now can close ze play. Ze moral’s clear, if I dare say. (addressing Pedrolino) Tell zem, sil vous connasais.
Pedrolino: Don’t wear white post- Labor Day.
Mandelbaum: My postage now, sir, sil vous plait.
Tartuffe: Impossible! We’re now ferme'!
(He posts a large sign that says:
“Passage interdit jour et nuit sauf Lun. et Ven. de 9:45h - 13:25 h. Resignment. Rappel. Securite au officales. Signe incomprehensible” and escorts Mandelbaum to the door.
Exeunt ensemble to Fanfares, drums and flourishes.
Pomp & Circumstance.
Swing your partner dosey-doe.
Curtain.
-Fin-
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