You Can Outsource Anything! -- Even the Phrase: “You Can Outsource Anything!”

Dear Sirs:

Felicitations, Greetings, and Several Happy Returns of the Day.

Truly, we have the distinct and unspeakable pleasure of introducing to you our firm available now to be providing to you all blogging services complete -- direct from our secure offshore blogging centre and also at a fraction of the cost of production of the same in your country of legal residence without you ever once having to go out of the doors and accidentally stepping in something unexpected or your readers having even the slightest suspicions that our highly- cracked team of ghosters will be doing all of the writings whilst you are free to be floating on a rubberized raft with cup holders in your pool at your mansion without any cares and sipping drinks with tiny umbrellas through a straw while servants fan you with palm fronds and fetch you cigars from the humourisador. Look! Look! Here come the dancing girls! Imagine! You will never again be having to lift any fingers except for the ones you would need to initiate a wire transfer to process your order.

We have the utmost confidence that you will be in love with our services so much that you will want to make out with them, and then one thing will lead to another, and you will need to marry them and take them on a honeymoon at an all-inclusive resort where tipping is not allowed (we are talking about our services), but instead you can just try them risk-free for 7 hours without even having to fret about what should you do next because the charges will start automatically after 7 hours and you needn’t do a thing next. Relax! Our 7-hour money-back guarantee is aluminum-clad, the most comprehensive in the offshore blogging sphere.

But you won’t even want your money back after even 6.75 hours as you will be stunned with amazement at the results. To prove it, if you hold up a spoon in front of your eyes, you will see a blurry, distorted upside-down image of yourself smiling. (Only works with front of spoon after paying in full for our services).

Our ghosters -- each, to a fellow, certified by the On-Line Offshore Outsource Up the Down Staircase Blogging Institute -- know all of the latest jolly idioms (“wuhs sup?”) and cowboy slangs (“Madame, this is, indisputably, a rather fine cup of Joe.”) in which you are of habit in expression. Thus and therefore, Your readers will not even have any ideas about who has done all of the writings. (Our ghosters). Not only will your readers not be able to tell the difference between we and you, they will think to themselves: “Yosher Koach! Without any doubts to our thoughts, this is the thing we have ever read!”

But don’t even just take our word -- even though our word is as good as our aluminum-clad guarantee, which we have given our seal of approval. Why not try our 7-hour free trial? We will even include our mini-FDA-approved 8-hour sleeping pill which is to be taken at the commencement of the 7-hour trial. If at the conclusion of the 7-hour trial, you are up and about and not completely satisfied with the results, you may fill out the Refund Request Form, and the sleeping pill will be yours to keep with our compliments and solicitations.

Our services come in the following sizes: Tall, Grande, Venti, Piccante, Piccolo, Pocahontas, Picador, and Pepe’ Le Pew.

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What our customer says:

“I was truly enraptured by your services! When I held a spoon in front of my eyes, I could see a blurry and distorted, upside-down image of myself. I also saw the cat hanging from a chandelier in the background. I can’t thank you enough, as your contact information is unavailable.”

[name withheld by requestor]

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Hurry and don’t wait to order! Order today! Don’t just think about doing it or else the wire won’t go through properly.

DISCLAIMER: This email is not to be construed, understood, cited, referred to, or otherwise held out as legal, tax, or relationship advice. If you are not the intended recipient of this email, please do not read this Disclaimer. Services may be habit-forming. Eating raw or undercooked poultry can‘t end well. Gluten is best avoided. Never draw to an inside straight. To unsubscribe to future emails, travel through time to the future and send an email to the unsubscribe department. Don’t forget to bring a scarf.