The Case of the [means the same as "very tired"] Dog

While his master has been looking the other way, some gargantuan dog has been doing his business at the same spot on the gravel path in front of the house for the past 2 weeks in the wee, wee hours before the dawn. The owner is a cretin who laughs in the face of his civic duty, a criminal who must be found, arrested, and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. The dog is innocent. 

All manner of retaliation stands at the ready, but it remains idle and, hence, useless until the culprit has been identified. The police have not dubbed the mystery dog walker the “Hillside Dump and Runner” but they might were they ever to read their mail or return a phone call or even spare a cruiser for an hour or so to engage in some forensics, which, apparently they will not do owing to budget considerations and the near-religious failure of this household, year-after-year during the annual fund drive, to tape an envelope to the front door containing a check made payable to the Policeman’s Benevolent Association, despite repeated promises that this would be done. Ergo, vigilantism is in the offing. If the cops don’t want to go after this thug, we will do it ourselves.

Devising commensurate penalties has used practically no brain cells whatsoever. Punishment, when it comes, will be cruel. It will be unusual. It will fit the crime like a glove (fitting a hand for which it has been professionally sized). But until the tortfeasor is revealed, it will be on ice. Thus, the only question is how to catch the perpetrator in flagantre excremento. All options must be considered. As of the date of this report, the following methods have been determined to be not optimal:

Method #1
The Puppy Cam

A small video camera, artfully camouflaged and suspended from a tree branch adjacent to the crime scene, seemed a promising notion when first conceived. Exquisite in execution, the plan’s undoing came in the body of a squirrel who, while knocking the device out of position, still managed to film himself dining. Though the film had no evidentiary value, it, nonetheless, proved a fitting supplement to the evening’s entertainment. And now we know what squirrels fancy for lunch.

Method #2
The Footprint Mold

A lump of thin soft clay was skillfully interwoven with the surrounding soil to give the impression of clay, not clay purchased at a home garden center and skillfully interwoven with the surrounding soil, but rather clay occurring naturally after, say, a cataclysmic flood or a volcanic eruption. In this way, it was hoped, suspicion would not be aroused. Because Dog Doe [not his real name] has been hitting precisely the same target, the clay was to be located on either side thereof such that, regardless of whether the hominid walked to the left or to the right of the canine, he would, inevitably, step somewhere on the trap, creating a print that could then be preserved and sent to the state crime lab for analysis.

A sample was, indeed, obtained in this manner. As planned, it was transmitted to the state crime lab, which, in a display of governmental efficiency, confirmed the make-up of the sample as follows: “clay.” A refund is being relentlessly pursued.

Method #3

The Tent

Stakes were driven into the soil at 45-degree angles about 8 feet from the impact site. Plastic sheathing was then overspread all about and lashed to poles with a quantity of sturdy nylon rope. The whole was then affixed to the stakes in a flailing kind of movement reminiscent of a powerful spasm or electric shock therapy. After the contraption collapsed in a heap, a trip to the store to purchase a tent and the hiring of an independent contractor to assemble it ensued. The idea was to be embedded with the [rhymes with “troops“] -- to stay up all night in a sleeping bag armed with a flashlight and a disposable camera. During the stakeout, the following diary entries were recorded:

Fell asleep sometime between 0-100 hours and 0-103 hours ZULU. Awoke with cat on head. Kicked him out and closed the flap more tightly. At 0-103.5 hours KALAHARI, rain in the form of a deluge made its presence known. At 0-103.55 hours MASSAI, the cat, being a neutered male and, therefore, not capable of being in heat, howled as though in heat, but actually just demanding to be admitted. Shortly thereafter, the cat was admitted on the condition that he not drag his wet tail all over everything, a condition promptly unmet in its entirety. At 0-143 hours NAPHTALI, a moose or a huge rabbit rustled the ground nearby starling the cat and causing him to claw the interior of the tent and scream in a desperate attempt to escape. At 0-144 hours ZEBULUN, rain was admitted to the interior of the tent (involuntarily). At 0-145 hours ISSACHAR, an attempt to re-enter the house failed because it was locked and the keys had been changed. Returned to the tent at 0-147 hours GAD. The Cat took up a position under the car. Fell asleep (duration unknown). Awoke to scratching and digging sounds. Went through the 5 stages of waking up and gradually recalled surroundings and purpose of lying in wet tent. After what seemed like 7 minutes (but was probably no more than 6), stumbled outside and saw two shadowy figures disappear around the corner into the fog: one was decidedly a dog. Returned to camp to discover that the target had been attacked sometime during the night. The cat had abandoned his post. Retrieved a shovel from the shed.

Method #4

The Sign

An Abandoned tent pole was commandeered and pressed into service at the site to stand in for a sign post. A crude message was penned on a piece of cardboard and taped to the post. It read: “WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU LIVE. PICK UP AFTER YOUR DOG OR ELS. THIS MEANS YOU!!!.”

The following morning, the sign, though still standing, had been copy-edited: The spelling of “else” had been corrected and two of the exclamation points had been stricken as clearly superfluous. An arrow drawn in red lipstick pointed to the ground leading the viewer’s gaze directly to the mystery hound’s latest handiwork.

“This guy wears lipstick!?” I thought to myself in lower case italics.

Method #5
The Yellow Police Tape

To put it succinctly, the kinds of sociopaths who allow their pets to go wherever they want whenever they want are impervious to police tape. It is a well-known fact that these beings actually enjoy returning to the scene of the crime and allowing their dogs to disrespect the police tape by pooping all over it, which occurred in this case.

Although this method did not accomplish the objective, it did, at least, get the attention of the police who swung by and issued a citation for unauthorized use of police tape. The following night, the experiment was repeated with “Priority Mail” tape stolen from the post office. The results were duplicated.


Method #6

Prayer

The exact wording of the request to the Deity has been lost, but it went something like this: “Please, please stop this [body part] and his dog from defiling my property and I promise to be good & cetera.”

In the morning, we discovered that some new dog had picked up where the old one had left off.

Which proves that G-d exists.