Here Comes the Jud(icial Nominee)

Executive Office of Judicial Appointments
The White House

Dear Jurist:

Congratulations on your nomination by the President to be the next Justice of the United States Supreme Court. This is the Big Leagues and there are a few things you’ll need to do to prepare before the confirmation process gets up a head of steam.

For starters, remember that little essay you wrote during your second year at Yale Law? -- The one where you argued that, whereas the federal courts of appeal have ruled consistently that expletives, when spewed at police officers, racial epithets, when shouted at politicians, and obscene gestures, when directed to meter maids, are all examples of protected speech, and that, therefore, the same protections should extend to litigants appearing before judges in both federal and state courts? The one entitled Goosing the Gander? We’re going to need you to burn that and sign the attached affidavit attesting that there are no additional copies of this opus minor on the planet Earth or on the immediately adjacent planets.

Secondly, we’re well aware that the donning of the robes can sometimes allow a beautiful and rational mind to be given over to giddiness and youthful exuberance. Therefore, we’re quite sure you didn’t really mean it when, in dissent in Borei v. P'ri Hagafen, you wrote:

The Constitution, like Pinot Noir, is over-rated.

We’ve developed a few “talking points” attached to this letter which we think will help you better express just what it was you actually meant when you penned those words. No doubt, the Judiciary Committee will be most interested in your explanation.

And while we’re on the subject of youth, a few photos have surfaced. They arrived today in a plain, brown wrapper. The attendant note identified the correspondent as “a friend.”

Familiar as we are with the temptations of undergraduate experimentation, we are, nonetheless, uncertain that the President’s political opponents, who have been less exposed to the cosmopolitan manners of the Academy, would be so willing to see these images that way. The White House counsel doesn't.

This office will handle the logistics of complying with the sender’s instructions to ensure the level of discreetness and decorum that this sordid collection and these challenging times demand. We will, of course, require a contribution from you, and the attached form will enable you to provide your credit card or checking account information for this purpose.

This brings us to the issue of your housekeeper, your gardener, your nanny, and your accountant. Our colleagues at Immigration and Homeland Security have executed some routine background checks, and it appears that all of the above-named are in the country illegally. You will, of course, have to fire them. We are not lacking in sentiment, though, and you will be allowed to say your goodbyes at their deportation hearings. While waiting for your opportunity to do so, we would like you to practice the following line in front of a mirror until it is second nature: “Obviously, Senator, had I known, I never would have hired them. They lied to me.”

Finally, and with a nod to the recognition that the high office to which you have been nominated is, in fact, located in the United States, we note with no small degree of patriotic superiority (we hope you appreciate the pun), that the “favorite musical artist" you have listed on the Nomination Consent Form is: Leonard Cohen. We’re sure that this was an oversight on your part. Leonard Cohen is a Canadian, his home in Los Angeles notwithstanding.

We like Suzanne and A Thousand Kisses Deep as much as the next person. But, as you have probably heard, Canadians still swear allegiance to the Queen of England, and how would it look to have a Justice of the highest court in the land constantly humming the tunes of one her loyal subjects? The answer is: Not very American and not very judicial.

Enclosed, you will find a suggested play-list that we think will wean you gently from your predilection (some might call it a mild addiction) to foreign tastes. We do hope that you will appreciate the variety, and the research that produced it. The Michael Bublé selections are particularly effervescent.

We’re eager to start working with you. We sincerely hope that you are looking forward to the hearings with as much excitement and anticipation as are we. The President is determined to see your nomination through to the end. It is in that spirit that all of us here wish you,

Res judicata.