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Your "Live Chat" with one of our Help Desk representatives will begin in a few moments. Please stand by.
PMM has signed in.
PMM: Good evening, Sir. my name is Thomas. I am a Help Desk representative, Sir. What is your name, Sir?
HIYLH: Sir.
PMM: How are you this evening, Sir?
HIYLH: As well as can be expected. The neighbor says the rash is nothing and will probably go away after a spell.
PMM: Oh, that is good. Your neighbor is a medical professional. Very lucky for you.
HIYLH: My neighbor is a mechanic, but the only person I know who is willing to diagnose stuff without insurance or a license.
PMM: I see. How may I help you, Sir?
HIYLH: I'm depressed that my computer doesn't respect me. Every time I tell it do do something, it freez
PMM: Sir, are you still there?
HIYLH: I'm still typing. So I'm a little slow. Sue me.
PMM: My apologies, Sir.
HIYLK: That's like when I go out to eat at The Goulasherie and they start to take the bowl away without the courtesy of even saying "You still working on that?" when they can see I'm still working on it just because somebody willing to spend more then $7.50 (excluding tip) is waiting for the table. I hate that. Plus, I can see them counting the silverware after I paid my bill and I'm starting out the door. That's low. Why do I even go there six times a week?
PMM: I understand.
HIYLH: My fakakta computer doesn't respect me and the
PMM: What kind of computer did you say it was, Sir?
HIYLH: Fakakta. Fakakta.. You know, like --- fakakta. You feelin' me? Fa-kak-TUH.
PMM: If I could beg your indulgence, I am looking up the code for that.
HIYLH: And here's another thing. The local branch of the Godfather's Savings 'N Loanshark is now charging me to get MY OWN MONEY just for using its dumbass debit card with a so-called fraud protection picture of me on it that looks like it was snapped by a reject from the RMV -- somebody who couldn't meet even their ultra-low standards of photographic competence. What the hell kind of stupid fraud protection is an out-of-focus picture on your debit card when the gonifs are busy hacking into your pathetic account that is usually overdrawn from all the secret bank fees, not to mention your nerdy-looking electronic tablet -- which, incidentally, always claims that it has only like 4% of battery power left. Why is that thing constantly running out of juice? Just because I'm busy studying images of Mila Kunis on Ukrainian websites to see if she has any flaws, which, BTW, there are none? It can't handle this small indulgence? Is that what you're telling me?
PMM: I will try my level best to help you, Sir.
HIYLH: Yeah, sure. What does the PMM stand for?
PMM: Thomas.
HIYLH: That makes no sense.
PMM: The T-h-o-m-a-s is silent.
HIYLH: You're not a native English speaker, are you? Am I warm, or what?
PMM: I am not, sir, but I hope my English is satisfactory for your present needs.
HIYLH: What other languages to you speak, Thomas? Don't tell me; let me guess. Cornish or something?
PMM: I am permitted only to converse with you in your preferred language, Sir.
HIYLH: Oh, I get it. Don't feel bad, T-h-o-m-a-s. When I first came to this country, I couldn't speak a lick of the local tongue. Not one word. Now look at me. It just goes to show.
PMM: How long have you lived in the country, sir?
HIYLH: Born and raised here.
PMM: Oh. English is also not your first language, then?
HIYLH: Let's put it this way. In the beginning, when I sort of popped out, you might say, in the maternity ward, I mean, I didn't even know how to say: "Crikey! How 'bout doin' me a solid and turning those floodlights way down, el docktor? You expect me to open my eyes with you shinin' those kliegs in my face all the time?" But along the way, I picked up more and more vocab, which, you know, ultimately I was able to string together to make myself understood. And here I am chatting with you in Bangalore or wherever you are at 2:46 am.
PMM: Commendable. Sir, may I give you a number to call if we get disconnected? Have you a pen and paper handy?
HIYLH: Ha! That's a laugh! No. I do not have a pen and paper handy. I have like an old scratch ticket and a toothpick. That's it. I had a pen. It broke. Paper is like. OK, here's the story with the paper. It has to do with the cat. It's kind of unbelievable but never mind. I won't bore you with the details. They're somewhat disturbing. So, no, I guess I don't have a pen, if that's what you're asking me. Or paper.
PMM: Well I will give you the telephone number and perhaps you can print it or memorize it and if we get disconnected, you can call back and ask for me, Thomas. Would that be fine?
HIYLH: Fine? That'd be supercalifragilisticexpialidotious. And I don't even mind that your name isn't really "Thomas," because my name isn't really "Sir," so we're all square. Lay that number on me, my man.
PMM: The number to call is 1-018-018-1818. When you hear the recorded voice, just hit option [2]. Then when you hear the pause, hit option [6]. Then when the woman says (remember this is not a live woman, but a recording of a woman's voice with a somewhat Gallic accent) -- When she says, "Please listen carefully to the entire message because our options have changed," you can skip this step, as the options have not really changed, and it is unlikely that they will ever change. The options are rather fixed. Then after you have chosen option [6] and you hear her say: "please don't hang up," follow these instructions to the letter. This step do not skip. This is very important. Afterward, there will be a very high-pitched siren. You may not be able to hear it. A dog would certainly be be able to hear this. It is recommended that you position your telephone next to a dog and hold the receiver to the dog's ear at this point. Then, when you see the dog's ears shoot straight up, at this moment, choose option [3] and wait for the 4-letter code. It will be whispered almost imperceptibly and also rather quickly. It will not be repeated. Then, upon entering the 4-letter code on your keypad, just wait, and a person will come on the line, perhaps not right away, or even soon, but certainly and without fail.
HIYLH: What do you mean a "person?" Won't it be you, Thomas?
PMM: It will be someone named "Thomas." This I can assure you.
HIYLH: What? You're all named Thomas? Is this some kind of cult?
PMM: Sir, what exactly is the problem that you are having?
HIYLH: Are you kidding me? The economy's in the tank. We're running low on seltzer and Little Debbie Cakes. They keep pushing back the broadcast date for Mad Men. (I'm not sure it's ever really going to air.) Every time you turn around, the cat informs you that there's yet another flavor he refuses to eat under any circumstance. And if that's not bad enough, the Red Sox...don't even get me started.
PMM: There are no doubts in my mind that your life is very interesting and troubled, Sir.
HIYLH: I forgot to mention that I'm suspicious that bleach doesn't really do anything. Does it do anything special for your whites, Thomas? Tell the truth.
PMM: Sir, my assignment is to assist you with your computer. What is the problem you are having with your Fakakta-brand computer, Sir?
HIYLH: It isn't Fakata-brand. It's just plain fakakta.
PMM: But what is the problem with it, Sir?
HIYLH: I hate it. I hate it. Moreover, I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (: @#$!!(*###
PMM: But what is the actual problem with it, Sir?
HIYLH: The tilde key is stuck.
PMM: The tilde key?
HIYLH: Yeah. You know ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: Sir, are you still there?
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: I suggest that we try a re-boot of the Fakakta computer. It may take up to 47 years, so you may wish to run a few errands in the interim.
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: Sir, have I answered all of your questions to your satisfaction?
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: You will have an opportunity to take a brief survey to rate the quality of your experience with Customer Service. It will be emailed to you. I would appreciate if you would take this survey, as this helps us improve our customer service.
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: You may signify your level of satisfaction with the customer service you have received today, by pressing the keys on your keypad with the zero key meaning "very dissatisfied" and the "tilde" key meaning "best customer service in the universe and this fellow should get a raise straight away."
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: Thank you sir. Very Fakakta of you. Wishing you a pleasant evening.
[PMM logged of at 3:02 a.m]
PMM has signed in.
PMM: Good evening, Sir. my name is Thomas. I am a Help Desk representative, Sir. What is your name, Sir?
HIYLH: Sir.
PMM: How are you this evening, Sir?
HIYLH: As well as can be expected. The neighbor says the rash is nothing and will probably go away after a spell.
PMM: Oh, that is good. Your neighbor is a medical professional. Very lucky for you.
HIYLH: My neighbor is a mechanic, but the only person I know who is willing to diagnose stuff without insurance or a license.
PMM: I see. How may I help you, Sir?
HIYLH: I'm depressed that my computer doesn't respect me. Every time I tell it do do something, it freez
PMM: Sir, are you still there?
HIYLH: I'm still typing. So I'm a little slow. Sue me.
PMM: My apologies, Sir.
HIYLK: That's like when I go out to eat at The Goulasherie and they start to take the bowl away without the courtesy of even saying "You still working on that?" when they can see I'm still working on it just because somebody willing to spend more then $7.50 (excluding tip) is waiting for the table. I hate that. Plus, I can see them counting the silverware after I paid my bill and I'm starting out the door. That's low. Why do I even go there six times a week?
PMM: I understand.
HIYLH: My fakakta computer doesn't respect me and the
PMM: What kind of computer did you say it was, Sir?
HIYLH: Fakakta. Fakakta.. You know, like --- fakakta. You feelin' me? Fa-kak-TUH.
PMM: If I could beg your indulgence, I am looking up the code for that.
HIYLH: And here's another thing. The local branch of the Godfather's Savings 'N Loanshark is now charging me to get MY OWN MONEY just for using its dumbass debit card with a so-called fraud protection picture of me on it that looks like it was snapped by a reject from the RMV -- somebody who couldn't meet even their ultra-low standards of photographic competence. What the hell kind of stupid fraud protection is an out-of-focus picture on your debit card when the gonifs are busy hacking into your pathetic account that is usually overdrawn from all the secret bank fees, not to mention your nerdy-looking electronic tablet -- which, incidentally, always claims that it has only like 4% of battery power left. Why is that thing constantly running out of juice? Just because I'm busy studying images of Mila Kunis on Ukrainian websites to see if she has any flaws, which, BTW, there are none? It can't handle this small indulgence? Is that what you're telling me?
PMM: I will try my level best to help you, Sir.
HIYLH: Yeah, sure. What does the PMM stand for?
PMM: Thomas.
HIYLH: That makes no sense.
PMM: The T-h-o-m-a-s is silent.
HIYLH: You're not a native English speaker, are you? Am I warm, or what?
PMM: I am not, sir, but I hope my English is satisfactory for your present needs.
HIYLH: What other languages to you speak, Thomas? Don't tell me; let me guess. Cornish or something?
PMM: I am permitted only to converse with you in your preferred language, Sir.
HIYLH: Oh, I get it. Don't feel bad, T-h-o-m-a-s. When I first came to this country, I couldn't speak a lick of the local tongue. Not one word. Now look at me. It just goes to show.
PMM: How long have you lived in the country, sir?
HIYLH: Born and raised here.
PMM: Oh. English is also not your first language, then?
HIYLH: Let's put it this way. In the beginning, when I sort of popped out, you might say, in the maternity ward, I mean, I didn't even know how to say: "Crikey! How 'bout doin' me a solid and turning those floodlights way down, el docktor? You expect me to open my eyes with you shinin' those kliegs in my face all the time?" But along the way, I picked up more and more vocab, which, you know, ultimately I was able to string together to make myself understood. And here I am chatting with you in Bangalore or wherever you are at 2:46 am.
PMM: Commendable. Sir, may I give you a number to call if we get disconnected? Have you a pen and paper handy?
HIYLH: Ha! That's a laugh! No. I do not have a pen and paper handy. I have like an old scratch ticket and a toothpick. That's it. I had a pen. It broke. Paper is like. OK, here's the story with the paper. It has to do with the cat. It's kind of unbelievable but never mind. I won't bore you with the details. They're somewhat disturbing. So, no, I guess I don't have a pen, if that's what you're asking me. Or paper.
PMM: Well I will give you the telephone number and perhaps you can print it or memorize it and if we get disconnected, you can call back and ask for me, Thomas. Would that be fine?
HIYLH: Fine? That'd be supercalifragilisticexpialidotious. And I don't even mind that your name isn't really "Thomas," because my name isn't really "Sir," so we're all square. Lay that number on me, my man.
PMM: The number to call is 1-018-018-1818. When you hear the recorded voice, just hit option [2]. Then when you hear the pause, hit option [6]. Then when the woman says (remember this is not a live woman, but a recording of a woman's voice with a somewhat Gallic accent) -- When she says, "Please listen carefully to the entire message because our options have changed," you can skip this step, as the options have not really changed, and it is unlikely that they will ever change. The options are rather fixed. Then after you have chosen option [6] and you hear her say: "please don't hang up," follow these instructions to the letter. This step do not skip. This is very important. Afterward, there will be a very high-pitched siren. You may not be able to hear it. A dog would certainly be be able to hear this. It is recommended that you position your telephone next to a dog and hold the receiver to the dog's ear at this point. Then, when you see the dog's ears shoot straight up, at this moment, choose option [3] and wait for the 4-letter code. It will be whispered almost imperceptibly and also rather quickly. It will not be repeated. Then, upon entering the 4-letter code on your keypad, just wait, and a person will come on the line, perhaps not right away, or even soon, but certainly and without fail.
HIYLH: What do you mean a "person?" Won't it be you, Thomas?
PMM: It will be someone named "Thomas." This I can assure you.
HIYLH: What? You're all named Thomas? Is this some kind of cult?
PMM: Sir, what exactly is the problem that you are having?
HIYLH: Are you kidding me? The economy's in the tank. We're running low on seltzer and Little Debbie Cakes. They keep pushing back the broadcast date for Mad Men. (I'm not sure it's ever really going to air.) Every time you turn around, the cat informs you that there's yet another flavor he refuses to eat under any circumstance. And if that's not bad enough, the Red Sox...don't even get me started.
PMM: There are no doubts in my mind that your life is very interesting and troubled, Sir.
HIYLH: I forgot to mention that I'm suspicious that bleach doesn't really do anything. Does it do anything special for your whites, Thomas? Tell the truth.
PMM: Sir, my assignment is to assist you with your computer. What is the problem you are having with your Fakakta-brand computer, Sir?
HIYLH: It isn't Fakata-brand. It's just plain fakakta.
PMM: But what is the problem with it, Sir?
HIYLH: I hate it. I hate it. Moreover, I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (: @#$!!(*###
PMM: But what is the actual problem with it, Sir?
HIYLH: The tilde key is stuck.
PMM: The tilde key?
HIYLH: Yeah. You know ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: Sir, are you still there?
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: I suggest that we try a re-boot of the Fakakta computer. It may take up to 47 years, so you may wish to run a few errands in the interim.
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: Sir, have I answered all of your questions to your satisfaction?
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: You will have an opportunity to take a brief survey to rate the quality of your experience with Customer Service. It will be emailed to you. I would appreciate if you would take this survey, as this helps us improve our customer service.
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: You may signify your level of satisfaction with the customer service you have received today, by pressing the keys on your keypad with the zero key meaning "very dissatisfied" and the "tilde" key meaning "best customer service in the universe and this fellow should get a raise straight away."
HIYLH: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PMM: Thank you sir. Very Fakakta of you. Wishing you a pleasant evening.
[PMM logged of at 3:02 a.m]
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