WikiLeaks Exposes Secret HIYLH State Department Dossier, And It Isn't Pretty. It Isn't Exactly Ugly, Either. Mostly, It's Fair-to-Middlin'. But, Hey, You Know What They Say: "Fair-to-Middlin' Is in the Eye of the Beholder." WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS THE WORD "NOTWITHSTANDING," AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

     Almost (but not quite) lost in the worldwide media frenzy stemming from the WikiLeaks disclosures is the maelstrom swirling around the publication of certain correspondence between Honk if You Like Honking (HIYLH) and the Department of State vis a vis affaires d'etat. Notwithstanding that the aforementioned déplaisant lettres were marked "Highly Confidential.  Get Your Damn Eyes Off, Yo!" and were never intended to be made a part of the public record, they have, nonetheless, now come to light, and gotten all intertwined with the flotsam and jetsam of secret governmental revelations washing ashore in newsrooms throughout the world of late.

     In August, HIYLH sent an email to Hilary007@sec.of.state.gov warning that the local Persian Ruggery and Eating Place seemed to be carrying an inordinate variety of pistachios -- the  other national nut of Iran. The missive cautions that "some snakes are a cut ahead of others, get it? Get it?  If you don't get it, just ask the King of Saudi Arabia."  The email concludes with the coded message: "We put the "IF" in Honk if you Like Honking." Weeks later, the State Department acknowledged the threat to national security via postcard which read: "The Department of State receives thousands of communications weekly from concerned citizens like you.  We Regret that we cannot acknowledge each letter personally.  Thank you for your interest in foreign policy."

       That relations between HIYLH and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia have been in the deep freeze ever since the pistachio cat has been de-bagged is putting it mildly. More importantly, ever since the Persian Ruggery learned that some of its patrons may have been engaging in culinary espionage and other skulduggery, it always seems to be out of everything on the menu, and even the coffee tastes suspiciously instant.  Good, tho.

      This bruhaha diplomatique pales in comparison, however, to the uproar over some of the Twitter chatter between IamWomanHearmeRoarBecauseIamSecretaryofState@Twitter.com and HIYLH@Twitter.com   laid bare for all the world to see by the Wiki fiends. If the reports unearthed therefrom seem brutally candid, it is only because they were never meant to see the light of day.  And yet, now that  "privacy" is just another word for "nothin' left to lose," they have been. Herewith, a sample:

HIYLH: Had dinner last night at an Afghani restaurant half-owned by Karzai.  Won't say that it sucked. Won't say that it didn't.

IamWoman: You don't say.

HIYLH: LOL!  Good one!

IamWoman: Probably you shouldn't have ordered the goat. It's hard to sleep afterwards.

HIYLH:  Hey!  Are you really secretary of state?

IamWoman:  Ha Ha! C U

     The result?  HIYLH is now on a watch list at the Kabul Bistro Hut, and its reservations are no longer honored. This has eviscerated any hope of ever planning an event with six or more guests on anything remotely approaching an orderly basis.

     As weighty as the previous anecdotes are (approx. 175 lbs disrobed), the cream of the cream (English for creme de la creme) of mixed metaphors and ambassadorial meltdowns came in the form of the discovery and uncoding of a secret cable ostensibly from the U.S. Consulate in Shanghai cleverly disguised as a fortune wrapped inside a cookie and delivered surreptitiously at the conclusion of a fine repast of Tofu Surprise and Snow Peas at the Happy Fun Time Kosher Hunan.  It read: "Dig tunnels deep, store grain everywhere, and never seek hegemony." This was recognized at once to be a warning about a possible cyber attack from the mainland.

     When the PRC realized that its emissary's cover had been blown and its plans likely found out following the WikiLeak of this and other fortune cookies, it was neither slow nor shy about retaliation. To wit: The last three takeout deliveries from the aforementioned establishment have all shortchanged on the duck sauce, and one completely left out the vegetarian dumplings.  Coincidence?  Not hardly.

     It will take a concerted effort of fence-mending, face-saving, and dish-washing to repair the damage that has been done by the revelation of that which was never meant to be revealed. Some relations may forever be plagued by mistrust an intrigue. But resilience and planning aforethought will, in the end, save the day, and things will, in time, return to normal.

     And speaking of a Plan B, the coupons at the Noodle Panda never expire and they cannot be rescinded nohow.