Help Wanted

Philosopher King

We are a small benign protectorate nestled between the Carpathian Mountains and some very fine outlet stores. We have an immediate opening for an absolute ruler.

We have a stable mostly homogeneous population, which includes contented and subdued ethnic minorities populating many picturesque hamlets. Our protectorate was established in 1519 on the fringes of the Holy Roman Empire, when the Holy Romans were distracted by a resurgence of an ancient blood feud between the Visogoths and the Osopreps. Occupied throughout its history by every European power except Liechtenstein (for which it is not named), it became a sovereign state in 1806 during the Peripatetic Wars (so called because they moved around a lot). In 1815, it joined the Junior League.

Despite our small size (we are smaller than Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Hawaii combined), and lack of a single natural resource, or commerce, or industry, or calling plan that provides for free, unlimited minutes on nights and weekends, we have developed into a prosperous, barter economy with a vital customer service sector and the second highest per capita income in the world (after Liechtenstein). The maximum tax rate is 1% and the minimum tax rate is 0% (with the vast majority of the population opting for the minimum rate).

Requirements: The successful candidate will have a minimum of 5 years' experience having everything they touch turn to gold in spite of themselves (sort of like Chauncey Gardner in Jerzy Kosiński's "Being There"). Experience ruling a protectorate, while helpful, is not necessary; we will train. An associates degree or equivalent and impeccable references are required.

Job Description: The philosopher king serves as the Guardian of the Kallipolis (a made-up word with no meaning). Principal duties include: Cancelling elections, dismissing Parliament, demanding the resignation of the entire Cabinet, feuding with once friendly and loyal prelates, hypothesizing, equivocating, tergiversating, appeasing the masses with panem et circenses, and, of course, philosophising. Duties also include waving to adoring crowds from a balcony and some light typing. A pleasant telephone manner is a must.

Reports to: absolutely no one.

Benefits: We offer two weeks of paid vacation after the first year of service and three weeks after two years, and so forth. Vacation must be completed within two weeks, including transportation, and may not be combined with any other offer of employment. Blackout dates apply. Vacation must be taken in Liechtenstein. We contribute up to 40% of medical, 50% of dental, 60% of mental, and so forth. We also provide a generous 401K plan (which, perhaps is not as generous as it appears at first blush, as we are on the barter system, as you may recall).

Please send resume and salary* requirements to:

P.O. Box 1
King of Prussia, PA 19406

or call:

1-888-IAM-KING (Mr. Jeffries)

1-800-IAM-BOSS (Ms. Hannigan)

*Examples of acceptable salary requirements include, but are not limited to: animal skins, sticks, rocks, rollover minutes, dried peas.