Patent Pending

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In the United States Patent & Trademark Office

U.S. Classification
473041000; 4730400875-Z

Summary of Application

A freeze- and crash-free method of preserving thoughts, poems, songs, observations, ideas, notions, memories, calculations, formulae, drawings, graphics, & cetera, without need of rebooting, downloading, defragging, upgrading, or cables, battery power, add-ins, plug-ins, & cetera, & cetera, said method including:

Claims

What is claimed:

The application by human intervention to a surface made of a thin material (produced by pressing together moist fibers, typically cellulose pulp derived from wood, rags or grasses, dried into flexible sheets) (Device No. 1) of an implement constructed of a narrow, solid pigment core of lead or charcoal inside a protective casing (which case provides an external scaffold to protect the structural integrity of the core) (Device number 2), which, when acted upon by the user creates marks via physical abrasion, leaving behind a residual trail of solid core material that adheres to the aforementioned surface, and which marks are also easily deleted by means of an object fashioned of a rubbery consistency which may contain vinyl, plastic, gum-like materials or synthetic soy-based gum (Device number 3) .

In order to use the Device (number 2), the casing must be carved or peeled off to expose the working end of the core as a sharp point, which is achieved by shaving away the device's worn or blunt surface with a fixed or rotating blade (Device number 4).

Note: Device number 1 may be free-form or may be bound by metallic spirals, affixed to pads with perforation, and pre-punched with holes in groups of three, and may also be plain, ruled, or superimposed marginally with Hello Kitty.

Drawings

To be supplied after the patent is awarded.

HEY, LET'S ASK CARLA!

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Dear Carla:

My friend left his Blackberry hanging around the library by accident. I found it and started reading all the saved e-mails on it. I also shared them with some of the other people in the library to get their reaction. Also there were some pics of the let's just call it you-may-not-want-these-pics-out-and-about variety. I posted some of the better ones on Facebook because they were kinda scandalous. Also, I'm having one of them turned into a billboard and another one I got imprinted on a coffee mug at one of those pushcarts at the mall (I just can't seem to stop myself). I also randomly prank called some of the business contacts in my friend's directory and said some pretty rude and obscene things pretending to be my friend just as an experiment to see if it would get him fired. Plus I found a few spreadsheets that looked pretty confidential and downloaded them onto the library computer. What do you say -- unethical?

Berry Bad

Dear Berry Bad

I checked with a librarian friend of mine who assured me that tampering with library computers (and this includes unauthorized downloads) is, indeed unethical. She also didn't take too kindly to the information that you were deliberately distracting library patrons who were there to study until I reminded her that nobody studies in libraries anymore -only in Starbucks.

--Carla

_____________________________________

Dear Carla:

My friend's GPS broke in her Jeep and she freaked. I pull out my iPhone and start to Mapquest the route and she totally goes postal and starts banging my iPhone on the dashboard shouting "I don't want this F****** piece of sh**t! I want my F****** GPS!" And I say "It's the same F****** thing!" and I start ripping her GPS from the dashboard and pouring acid on it and she says, "Oh F***ing great! I'm going to pour acid on your iPhone, you F***ing B**ch!" Then she grabs my iPhone and disables Mapquest and Googlemaps. And then I say I'm going to pour acid on your GPS, you F***ing B**ch!" And she says, "You already did, you F***ing B**ch!" And I say, "Well, do you have a map, you F***ing B**ch!?" And she says "What the f***k is a map?" Then I saw that she had a map of Sweden in her glove compartment, and I said "Why do you have this worthless piece of sh**t map of Sweden in your F***ing car, you F***ing B**ch!? Is this supposed to help us get to f***ing HMS, you f***ing B**ch!?" And she says, "How the f*** should I know, you F***ing B**ch?" I don't know how to read a F***ing map, and neither do you." So we just sat there, because we couldn't figure out how to get to HMS, and she had already disabled Mapquest and Google maps. What do you make of this exchange?

Shoeless in Seattle

Dear Shoeless

I couldn't help laughing about this because you didn't even think to use the HMS Store Locator. There's an App for that!

--Carla


____________________________________

Dear Carla:

I figured out how to get all this free stuff on my Kindle -- like I got all the Harry Potters and the old Twilights and Daniel Steel and "Rich Again" by Anna Maxted. I just ignore the copyright warnings. Should I feel guilty?

Kerlin up with a Good Kindle

Dear Kerlin:

People are still reading Danielle Steel? Who knew?

--Carla

_________________________________________

Dear Carla:

It was dark and snowing and I was driving home from New York and I was bored so I started texting my friends and they crack me up like they pretended that they all liked this dude and really had me going until I figured out that they made the dude up -- he's like not even real. I laughed so hard, I nearly drove into a ditch because when I laugh in the car while I'm texting like I push down on the gas really hard. When I got home, it was like 3 in the morning and I woke my roomie up and told her what had happened and she started lecturing me about my habits etc. I didn't think I did anything wrong. What do you think?

Txtng Tess

Dear Tess:

What kind of "friends" make up a dude? You need some new friends.

--Carla


___________________________________________


Dear Carla:

I organized a bunch of (like a hundred) people to fly to Copenhagen from about 80 different cities to do a protest on over-use of fossil fuels contributing to global warming. We rented a bus and drove it all over Copenhagen banging on garbage can lids (symbolic) to get our message out. Then we did a carbon dioxide demo by lighting a bunch of tires on fire to show what happens to smoke when you light tires on fire. The Copenhagen Police claimed we were not a legitimate NGO and arrested some of us. Don't they get it?

White and Black and Green All Over

Dear W&B&GAO:

This is the second time Sweden has come up this week. What a coincidence. Did you pick up any maps while you were over there?

--Carla

________________________________________________

Dear Carla:

When you de-friend somebody who pisses you off are they allowed to pretend to friend you under a pseudonym to spy on you?

De-friender of the Faith

Dear De-Friender:

All's fair in love and war.

--Carla

It's Beginning to Smell a Lot Like Latkes

Hanukkah (Hebrew: חֲנֻכָּה‎), also known as the Festival of Latkes, is an eight-day Jewish holiday commemorating the invention of potato latkes in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt of the 2nd century BCE. (The Jews invented latkes, too!? Is there nothing that they didn't invent!?)

Hanukkah is observed for eight nights (the days being pretty low-key), starting on the 25th day of Kislev according to the Hebrew calendar, and may occur from late November to late December on other types of calendars, such as ones that have pictures of kittens and flowers and swimsuit models on them.

The festival is observed by eating plenty of latkes (even when you are sick of them but you never get sick of them) with applesauce and sour cream and twirling dreidles and lighting candles and giving and getting chocalate gelt and eating more latkes.

Some people think that Hannukah is the Jewish Christmas. And they're right! It's exactly the same as Christmas (except for the latkes). Other than that -- no difference.

There was a disagreement between two rabbinical schools of thought—Hillel and the House of Shammai—on the proper number of latkes to stuff in your mouth at one time. Shammai said that eight latkes should be eaten one-by-one, whereas Hillel argued in favor of stuffing them all in at once. Jewish law adopted the position of Hillel.

This is why a common Hannukah greeting is: "Don't mess with Texas. And while you're at it, don't mess with Hillel. You gonna finish all those latkes, or what?"

Messages from My Readers

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Having published several small articles in this venue, I have come face-to-face with no small degree of reader reaction. The City has prevented me from disposing of these communications, so I am recycling them here, as I do not know what else to do with them.

___________________________________________

(1) Dear Mr. Salinger:

This firm represents the interests of the owners of Sponge Bob Square Pants. While we generally busy ourselves with affairs of State and cartooning, and would not, under ordinary circumstances, waste time on your idiotic pontifications, a number of our younger consumers were confused and distraught by your bogus obituary for our copyrighted character. Thus, we were forced to act. A mere glance at your scribblings convinced us, not only that you lack sound judgment, but, also, that you are, likely, judgment-proof.

Based on your alleged background, we assume you know how these things work, so we will cut to the chase: One more utterance out of you about Sponge Bob or any of the other residents of Bikini Bottom and the party's over. Cease and desist forthwith or else we will.

Yours Truly,
Eugene Krabs, Esq.

______________________________________________

(2) Dear Mr. Poucette:

Congratulations on surviving the exhausting round of interviews. After careful consideration, we are pleased to offer you a contract of employment as CEO at our firm with a starting annual salary of $185,000, plus a full benefits package outlined in the attached Schedule 1.

To signify your acceptance of this offer, you must return a signed copy of this letter within ten (10) days of the date hereof.

We look forward to a mutually productive and prosperous future and hope to hear from you soon.

Regards,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.

_______________________________________________

(3) Dear Mr. Salinger:

I read your thing about hyphenated names and was not amused. Nor was anybody in my family, which has passed down our cherished chicken recipe for 9 generations. Nine! We're not going to call that recipe anything else, your small-mindedness notwithstanding.

Next time, pick on somebody your own size (mentally, that is).

Yours,
Lucille Doodey-Crapperhouse

_______________________________________________

(4) Dear Mr. Salinger:

Somebody who used to be my friend showed me the article you "wrote" about ancient Chinese poets. I couldn't find a reference to a single one of those people on Wikipedia, or Google, or Bing, or Yahoo and would venture to say that you made the whole thing up (although the poem about water chestnuts sounded vaguely familiar). Plus it was moronic. People should charge you to read your asinine musings.

Pay up!


Best,
Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum XXXIV

_______________________________________________

(5) Dear Mr. Poucette:

Several days ago, we sent you a formal offer of employment and have yet to hear back from you. As time is of the essence, please return a signed copy of the offer letter immediately so that we may keep the position open for you.

We look forward to your response and trust that your interest has not abated.

Regards,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.

______________________________________________

(6) Dear Mr. Salinger:

Like yourself, I'm a busy professional, so I'll be brief. Yesterday, one of my patients (I'll refer to him as Mr. X, as that is, in fact, his name) became hysterical in my treatment room and began ranting that someone had broken into his office and stolen his dream diary. I assured him that he was hallucinating, until he showed me your little story about a dream diary.

I don't know where you got this material, sir, but it does in fact represent the innermost subconscious repressions of my patient who has for years been dreaming about being stuck in the subway waiting for a train that never comes. Recently, he made a breakthrough by dreaming about being stuck on a grounded plane, only to have the plane return to the terminal due to a lack of fuel.

I am going to hazard a guess that you are familiar with a little doctrine known as the doctor-patient privilege. It is inviolate, and yet you violated it. Here's my proposal: No formal charges will be lodged, and my patient and I will look the other way if you return his book -- no questions asked. It goes without saying that you have crossed a line (several, inf fact) and caused incalculable harm to his psyche, but I shall say it, anyway while imploring and beseeching you never to do this again.

Ever.

Very truly yours,
Saul Feinberg, MBBS, M.D., PhD.

_____________________________________________

(7) Dear Fellow Citizen:

The White House receives millions of letters and tweets every year from people all over the world. Obviously, the President cannot respond to each one individually, but has asked me to extend his appreciation for your [letter/postcard/e-mail/text/blog post] about [his Nobel Peace Prize/Speech in Cairo/Speech in Beijing/Speech in Copenhagen/Speech in Oslo/Speech in Ghana/Nobel Peace Prize].

Please be assured that your communication has been given the attention it deserves.

With Every Good Wish,
The White House Press Office.

(P.S.: Wow, 4 whole "Followers" for your Blog; that's impressive.)

(Still, a kid on YouTube picking his nose gets 31 million hits in a week. But don't be discouraged. Maybe if you add some animation like, oh, I don't know, a dog peeing on the rug, you might garner more [and, dare I say, a higher caliber of] readers. Just a thought.)

WHPO.

____________________________________________

(8) Dear A**ho*le:

I tried that Mother-f*****g product you endorsed -- Down-Boy Rx. Guess what? It worked. Now I can't f***, or h**p, or scht***, or even master**** anymore. My wife left me. My girlfriend left me. I lost my job. Even my dog treats me like I'm a wuss.

I'm sure you think I'm going to threaten to kill you, but that would be far too good for the likes of you. I'm sending you a case of Down-Boy Rx.

Start drinking it tonight, you creep. I hate you and I'll see you in Hell. You can't miss me. I'll be the one without the ****-on.

Name Withheld by Request.

_______________________________________________

(9) Dear Mr. Poucette:

The deadline for returning, signed, our offer of employment expires tomorrow. We hope that you have not overlooked this important date and will act immediately.

Please do not hesitate to call should you have any questions.

Yours, truly,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.

_______________________________________________

(10) My Dear Sir:

I loved (absolutely) loved your piece about my address to the U.N. You captured me exactly!

LOL!

I am going to Friend you presently!

If you have some additional information about Jack Ruby (nee Rubenstein), please forward it to our consular office immediately. (If the office is closed, please forward the info to former Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura).

Inshallah, we will get to the bottom of this conspiracy.

Salaam,
His Excellency,
Moammar Kadaffi

______________________________________________

(11) Dear Mr. Poucette:

We regret that you have not returned the signed offer of employment from our company, and, therefore, have concluded that you have rejected the offer. We have extended the offer to the runner-up candidate.

With every good wish for your future endeavors, I remain,

Yours, truly,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.

_______________________________________________

(12) Dear Mr. Salinger:

Your silly little blog post about a telephone bill, while amusing, was hardly a substitute for genuine payment. As you know, we are a real telephone company; we provide real service, and we send out real bills. Yours is overdue by 3 months.

Your past-due balance is $597.33. Ordinarily, we are loathe to make such threats when we know so many people are struggling in these dire economic times. In your case, however, it gives us distinct pleasure to announce that if your bill is not paid in full by December 18, your phone and Internet service (indeed, your lifeline to the entire outside world as we now know it) will be disconnected.

Restoration charges and late fees will apply.

Sincerely,
XXX Telephone Company

(What exactly IS the deal with all those calls to Bangkok?)

_______________________________________________

(13) Dear Mr. Poucette:

We were mortified to learn that our several recent letters offering you employment were mis-delivered to your next-door-neighbor, a Mr. Salinger, who, apparently, was too lazy and selfish to walk the 18 feet from his front door to yours to hand them to you. In the interim, the job has been offered to another candidate (who has now accepted), as the time within which you were required to respond has elapsed.

While our corporate counsel researches what, if any, charges may be filed against Mr. Salinger for, among other things, tampering with the U.S. Mail, we recommend that you retain your own attorney to determine what civil claims might be brought.

We shall keep your resume on file, and will not hesitate to contact you should another opportunity arise. Meanwhile, you might consider erecting a very tall fence on the line between your property and Mr. Salinger's, and also enlarging the number on your mailbox.


Yours, truly,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.

____________________________________________________

(14) Dear Mr. Salinger:

I should like to remind you that we are a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt charitable organization. In fact, we are the only airline of which we are aware that is so designated, due largely to the fact that fully 75% of our planes' seats are filled, not with paying customers, but, rather, volunteers who dispense their benevolent services throughout the land to our nation's neediest.

Of course, we were flattered when you sent us your posting about an airline itinerary. We were elated when you told us that every click on the advertising accompanying your Blog would result in a revenue stream directly to our organization. So advised, we encouraged every member of our staff to get out the word to every one listed in their sizable directories.

Imagine our shock and disappointment when the good people at Google informed us that, in fact, every click on these ads generates revenue for you and not for us. We've heard of some lowdown dirty tricks before, but this is the lowest and dirtiest about which we've ever heard.

Though you ought to be ashamed, we have no doubt that such a word is not in your puny lexicon. Therefore, we can only console ourselves with the knowledge that your name and your memory have been erased from our mailing list. It is our fervent hope that you will reciprocate.

Sincerely,
Chastity Lindbergh
Air Head Airlines
"We Hope to Make it Off the Ground Today"

__________________________________________________

(15) Dear Whoever You Are:

We, the undersigned, have taken up a collection to pay for a DNA test. Please take it at your nearest clinic at your earliest convenience. We want to prove that we are not genetically related to you in any way, shape, or form.

And we want you to post the results immediately.

Our names are too numerous to mention, so just refer to us collectively as "the undersigned."

Regards,
The Undersigned.

_____________________________________________________________

(16) Dear Seth:

You are likely to hear and see some loud construction activity on our shared property line over the next several weeks. On the advice of counsel, I am building a very tall fence so that I never have to look at you or your house again.

I'd tell you in person, but I'm no longer talking to you.

Please keep off my lawn,

R. Poucette

_____________________________________________

Well, that's it for now.

Keep those cards and letters coming.

And remember, every time you click on those ads, a portion of the revenue generated goes directly to Air Head Airlines!

The Cell Phone Chronicles

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Part 1

Protagonist: Hello? Who is this?

Deuteragonist: Who is this?

Protagonist: What? You called me. I don't answer "private caller" calls.

Deuteragonist: Then why did you answer?

Protagonist: Oh. Is that you, General Franks?

Deuteragonist: It's me, ..ener...l ...anks.

Protagonist: Ernie Banks?

Deuteragonist: It's ...ee, .......al ....nks

Protagonist: What did you say?

Deuteragonist: Can you hear me now? Hello? Hello?

Protagonist: Yes, I hear you! Is that you Tommy? General Tommy Franks?

Deuteragonist: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Protagonist: I said I hear you! Can't you hear me?

Deuteragonist: Hello?

Protagonist: God damn it! I'm trying to decide whether to take the country to war! Who the hell is this? Can't you call me from a land line?

Deuteragonist: Helloooooooooooooooooooo? Hellooooo? Hellooo? I guess he hung up, Mr. Ambassador.

Protagonist: I didn't hang up you fools! You can't hear me, that's all!

Chorus: Eternal Clouds, let us appear; let us arise from the ..oaring depths of ... ..... let us fly towards the ..ofty mountains, spread our damp ... over their forest-laden .... ..... .... which the ... with its ...ttering beams.

Protagonist: What the hell? Even the Greek Chorus is on a crappy cell phone?

Chorus: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Protagonist: Oh for God's sake! Your service provider sucks!

Chorus: Hello? Are you still there? Hello? We think he hung up.

Protagonist: I didn't hang up! I'm right here! Can't you hear me? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Chorus: Damn it! Our fingers were on the mute button!

Protagonist: I'm hanging up.

Chorus:: Hang up. We'll call you back. We'll call you back.

Protagonist: Hello? Ok. I'm hanging up.

Chorus: What?

Part Deux

Protagonist: Wait did you call me just now?

Chorus: No, you called us.

Protagonist: Hey, this is really good sound quality.

Chorus: We know, it's like you're in the next room.

Protagonist: No I'm not.

Chorus: No you're not in the next room. It's like you're in the next room.

Protagonist: Where are you?

Chorus: In the next room.

Part The Third

Protagonist: Did you just call me?

Deuteragonist: No. You called me.

Protagonist: But I just pressed "send" and I automatically reached you.

Deuteragonist: Well I called you before but you couldn't hear me.

Protagonist: No I could hear you; you couldn't hear me.

Deuteragonist: Well, now I hear you fine. What do you want?

Protagonist: I've got a huge decision to make. History hangs in the balance. I'm trying to decide whether to take the country to wa...

Deuteragonist: Hold on! Hold on! I've got another call coming in. I'm going to put you on hold. Don't go away.

Protagonist: No! No! Don't put me on hold! I have to decide now! I need to know whether there are weapons of mass...YOUR BALANCE IS LOW. PLEASE REFILL YOUR BALANCE NOW. Hello? Hello? I was in the middle of a godamned sentence and you just cut in like that!?

Chorus: History hangs in the balance. Should we go to war, or should we not? Is the crisis now cold, or is it still hot?

Protagonist: Wait! You were listening in on my conversation just now?

Chorus: You were shouting.

Part Kwatro

Chorus: Hello? Who is this?

Protagonist: You called me!

Chorus: Well what do you want?

Protagonist: What do you mean? You called me.

Chorus: We did?

Protagonist: Listen, I'm waiting for some intelligence from the front. It will be the deciding factor. It will mean either war or peace. Are you with me on this?

Chorus: Hold on. Our battery is about to die. We'll have to call you back.

Five-Oh

Protagonist: Are you there?

Deuteragonist: Who is this?

Protagonist: What do you mean, "Who is this?" I was just talking to you.

Deuteragonist: Prove it. What was I wearing?

Protagonist: Hello! I called you. I didn't film you. How do I know what you were wearing?

Deuteragonist: Well, what do you want?

Protagonist: I need to know if there are weapons of mass destruction, and I need to know now.

Deuteragonist: Well, there's definitely some yellow cake, and the evidence is pretty conclusive for...shun. But the consensus here is that ....irm the ...al decisi... I repeat; it is cricitcal that we...irm the ...shun.

Chorus: Hey can we borrow your phone? Our battery died.

Protagonist: What!? No! You can't borrow my phone! I'm in the middle of something! I can't hear both of you and at the same time!

Chorus: Who are you talking to?

Protagonist: Will you SHUT UP!? This is critical!

Deuteragonist: What's that? Shut up?

Protagonist: No not you!

Chorus: Hold on. We're moving to a better reception area.

Sextet

Protagonist: I'm not going to plunge the nation into war without irrefutable proof.

Deuteragonist: I'd say we have .... of ...oof. What does everybody else think?

Chorus: We want to say something.

Deuteragonist: What? What did they say?

Protagonist: I can't... Hold on. He can't hear you.

Chorus: Put us on speaker.

Protagonist: Ok. We're all on speaker. Can you hear us?

Chorus: Yes, perfectly.

Protagonist: No! Not you! Can you hear us, general? Are you there, ambassador? We need to know!

Deuteragonist: Need to know what?

Protagonist: “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Do I dare. Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

Deuteragonist: What the hell are you talking about?

Protagonist: Stop shouting. You're getting hoarse.

Chorus: A horse! a horse! our kingdom for a horse!

Deuteragonist: I know this is a bore, but...

Protagonist: You want us to go to war?

Chorus: Let's go to war!

LEADER OF CHORUS OF WOMEN: And yet you dare to make war upon me, wretch, when you might have me for your most faithful friend and ally.

Chorus: What? You're breaking up.

Party of the Seventh Part

LYSISTRATA: All the long time the war has lasted, we have endured in modest silence all you men did; you never allowed us to open our lips. We were far from satisfied, for we knew how things were going; often in our homes we would hear you discussing, upside down and inside out, some important turn of affairs. Then with sad hearts, but smiling lips, we would ask you: Well, in today's Assembly did they vote peace?-But, "Mind your own business!" the husband would growl, "Hold your tongue, please!" And we would say no more.

Deuteragonist: What did she say? I didn't get that.

Protagonist: Chorus, what did she say?

Chorus: We don't know. We weren't really paying attention. We were multi-tasking.

Protagonist: War is Hades!

Chorus: You can say that again!

Deuteragonist: Say what again? I didn't get that. Hello? Hello? Did you hang up?

Epilogue

Chorus: The old leader is gone. He was a warmonger. All hail the new leader, a true Hero. Oh new leader, our Hero! You give us hope. You are a man of peace. Here is a prize to prove it.

Deuteragonist: Hero, aren't you going to claim your prize?

Chorus: The Hero is sending us a Text!

Deuteragonist: Thank the gods! What does the Text say?

Chorus: It says: "Will pick up prize of peace rite after starting new war."

Protagonist: Can you hear me now?

Screenplay for a Porno

LET'S DO IT!

by Jones "Smutty" Jbird

Based on the Off- Broadway Interactive "Experience" "Let's Do It!"

Book by Jones "Smutty" Jbird

Music and Lyrics by Jones "Smutty" Jbird

Adaption from the Italian: "Facciamolo!" by Pornografico Blu

Director: Jones "Smutty" Jbird

Final Script
December 5, 2009

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Shazelle is standing at the kitchen counter texting while wearing short shorts and a cut-off. In walks Rod, the mailman carrying a big bulging package.

ROD

I have a big bulging package here for...hey! Let's do it!

SHAZELLE

OK.

CUE UP MUSIC: Musae sioniae by Michael Praetorious (German 1571-1621) featuring the Sackbut.

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of them doing it.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

CLOSE-UP of the Sackbut.

FADE OUT.

EXT. THE POOL, - DAY
Kittyesque is sunbathing in a chaise lounge. Dick, the Pool Man, shows up.

DICK

Let's do it!

KITTYESQUE

Why not?

CUE UP MUSIC: Peacock Variations (by Zoltán Kodály (Hungarian: 1882 – 1967)

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of them doing it.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

UNDERWATER SHOT of them doing it.

FADE OUT.


INT. OFFICE - DAY
Babetta is bending over some files wearing a mini skirt (Babetta, not the files). Boss Man Billy walks in carrying a rod.

BOSS MAN BILLY

What are you doing there?

BABETTA

Nothing

BOSS MAN BILLY

Let's do it!

BABETTA

Yes, sir.

CUE UP MUSIC: études opus 10 by Frédéric Chopin (Polish: 1810 - 1849)

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of them doing it.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

CLOSE-UP of Chopin doing it with author and feminist, Amandine Aurore Lucille Dupin, the Baroness Dudevant, better known by her pseudonym, George Sand.

BOSS MAN BILLY

Hey! Who let Chopin and George Sand in here?

FADE OUT.

INT. CAR - NIGHT
Luciellana and Johnson, the mechanic are admiring his tool box.

LUCIELLANA

Let's do it!

JOHNSON

Say no more!

CUE UP MUSIC: Op. 62, Divertimentos; duet by Fernando Sor (Spanish: baptised 14 February 1778 as Josep Ferran Sorts i Muntades. Died 1839, aged 61).

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of the car rocking.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

FADE OUT.


INT. FRANCOFERNANDO'S BACHELOR PAD - NIGHT

FRANCOFERNANDO'S FANTASY

Francofernando is just standing there minding his own businsess. One by one, different women walk up to him saying "Let's do it!" Francofernando says nothing but stoically does it.

CUE UP MUSIC: Musick for the Royal Fireworks by George Frideric Handel (German-English: 1685-1789)

MONTAGE of them doing it.

FRANCOFERNANDO INT. MONOLOGUE - DAY

Let's Do it!
Let's Do it!

FADE OUT.


EXT. BALCONY OF THE HOTEL SPLENDIDO IN SORRENTO OVERLOOKING THE BAY OF NAPLES
- DAY

Bustiana is admiring the view. Giovanni-son steps out with a tray of Limoncello. The Spanish tourist, Juan-son, tries to stop him. Giovanni-son slaps him in the face. Juan-son applies some Johnson & Johnson powder to the affected area and retreats.

CUE UP MUSIC: Twelve sonatas for violin and basso continuo by Antonio Lucio Vivaldi (1678 – 1741)

WIDE SHOT of Alfred Hitchcock walking a dog across the balcony.

AERIAL SHOT of Ferderico Fellini standing in front of a graffiti-covered wall with Encolpio lamenting the loss of his lover, Gitone, to Ascilto.

BUSTIANA

Come artistico!

GIOVANNI-SON

Facciamolo!

BUSTIANA

Prego!

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of them doing.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

FADE OUT.

INT. STAGE - NIGHT

ENSEMBLE singing the theme song:

(scantily clad!)

NOTE: Alfred Hitchcock and Federico Fellini are NOT in this scene.

And that's why Birds do it, Bees do it,
Even educated fleas do it,
Let's do it, Let's do it.
In Spain, the best upper sets do it,
Lithuanians and Letts do it,
Let's do it, Let's do it.
The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it,
Not to mention the Finns,
Folks in Siam do it,
Think of Siamese twins.
Some Argentines, without means, do it,
People say, in Boston, even beans do it,
Let's do it, Let's do it.

CUT TO BLACK.

Let's Do It. (12/05/09)

(Melanged scene from Satrycon courtesy of United Artists).

(Copyright Infringement suit from Estate of Cole Porter sub judice).

Send "Let's Do It!" Ringtones to your cellphone!

A National Conversation About Rays

[
[

Ray G.: Hello, I'm Ray.

Ray S.: And I'm Ray.

Ray G.: And we're having a national conversation about Rays.

Ray S.: Right you are.

Ray G.: Why is it a national conversation?

Ray S.: Well, we're having the conversation all over the nation.

Ray S.: And Canada?

Ray G.: Yeah, sure. Why not?

Ray S.: It's like they can't have their own conversation? They have to muscle in on ours?

Ray G.: They do that a lot. But it's OK if we let them join in.

Ray S.: OK. As long as they don't say: "We're having a national conversation a-boat Rays."

Ray G.: We'll cut them off if they try.

Ray S.: Good. "A-boat." I hate that.

Ray G.: Right like fingernails across a blackboard.

Ray S.: Great. Why don't you start us off, Ray?

Ray G.: Well, Ray, I couldn't help noticing that you are a Negro.

Ray S.: Yes, Ray, or as we like to say where I come from, "Ray of Color."

Ray G.: "Ray of Color," I like that.

Ray S.: Yes, it's very upbeat and positive. Not at all Gay.

Ray G.: Not that there's anything wrong with that, but that's a different conversation.

Ray S.: Indeed.

Ray G.: This is a very open and honest conversation. we're laying it all out on the table.

Ray: Yep. We're gettin' it all out there.

Ray G.: So if you're a "Ray of Color," what am I?

Ray S.: Well, Ray, there are many terms that fit. What does the "G" stand for?

Ray G.: I don't follow.

Ray S.: What does the "G" in your name stand for?

Ray G.: It doesn't stand for anything. It's just "G."

Ray S.: Your name is Ray G?

Ray G.: Yes. So? what does that make me?

Ray S.: R-A-Y-G-E?

Ray G.: How about Ray of Light?

Ray S.: How are you a Ray of Light?

Ray G.: Being so much lighter than you, I just naturally assumed...

Ray S: Well, Ray, that's kind of copying. Frankly, it sounds a little desperate. You know, "Ray of Color" is very down, very hip, very now. "Ray of Light" is just a pale imitation.

Ray G.: But that was kinda the point.

Ray S.: No good. No good. Think of something else.

Ray G.: Ray-the-Man?

Ray S.: Why don't we take a caller?

Ray G.: Good idea.

Ray S.: Hello, you're on the air. What's your name and where are you calling from?

Ray C.: Hi. I'm Ray C. I'm calling from Vancouver, B.C.

Ray G.: Ray, what's on your mind?

Ray C.: Well I wanted to talk a-boat Canadian Rays.

Ray S.: What did he say? What did he say?

Ray G.: He said he wanted to talk a-boat something.

Ray S.: Cut him off! Cut him off!

Ray G.: Scram, Ray!

Ray S.: How did he get past the screeners?

Ray G.: I guess they're sleeping on the job.

Ray S.: Yeah, like the White House social secretary and the Secret Service. Do they think that any ol' Ray can boogie on in here?

Ray G.: Why don't we try another caller?

Ray S.: OK. But no funny stuff.

Ray G.: Hello. You're on the air. what's you're name and where are you calling from?

Ray N.: Hi. I'm Ray N. calling from Seattle.

Ray S.: Ray N. in Seattle. That's about right.

Ray G.: I'll say. What's on your mind, Ray?

Ray N. Nothing. I just wanted to hear my name on the radio.

Ray S.: Thanks for the call, Ray. Stay dry, brother.

Ray G.: We have time for one more caller. why don't you field this one?

Ray S.: Hello. You're on the air. What's your name and where are you calling from?

Ray V.: Hi, Great show, guys. Ray V. Calling from Ray County, Missouri.

Ray S.: A big shout out to all the Rays of Ray County!

Ray G.: Ditto.

Ray S.: Anything more you want to say, Ray?

Ray C.: Nope. You guys pretty much said it all.

Ray G.: Thanks for the call, Ray.

Ray S.: Well that's all the time we have for today.

Ray G.: I feel much better about having this national conversation. I like all national conversations, of course. But so many national conversations are just blah, blah, blah and nothing ever really gets said. This was a pretty good national conversation.

Ray S.: I guess. It was more like a national chit-chat.

Ray G.: We squeezed a lot in. The nation's much better off, now, and it's time to go, Ray.

Ray S.: OK. But before we go -- We still didn't come up with a moniker for you. If I'm a Ray of Color, what should we call you?

Ray G.: You can call me "Ray."