The Cell Phone Chronicles

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Part 1

Protagonist: Hello? Who is this?

Deuteragonist: Who is this?

Protagonist: What? You called me. I don't answer "private caller" calls.

Deuteragonist: Then why did you answer?

Protagonist: Oh. Is that you, General Franks?

Deuteragonist: It's me, ..ener...l ...anks.

Protagonist: Ernie Banks?

Deuteragonist: It's ...ee, .......al ....nks

Protagonist: What did you say?

Deuteragonist: Can you hear me now? Hello? Hello?

Protagonist: Yes, I hear you! Is that you Tommy? General Tommy Franks?

Deuteragonist: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Protagonist: I said I hear you! Can't you hear me?

Deuteragonist: Hello?

Protagonist: God damn it! I'm trying to decide whether to take the country to war! Who the hell is this? Can't you call me from a land line?

Deuteragonist: Helloooooooooooooooooooo? Hellooooo? Hellooo? I guess he hung up, Mr. Ambassador.

Protagonist: I didn't hang up you fools! You can't hear me, that's all!

Chorus: Eternal Clouds, let us appear; let us arise from the ..oaring depths of ... ..... let us fly towards the ..ofty mountains, spread our damp ... over their forest-laden .... ..... .... which the ... with its ...ttering beams.

Protagonist: What the hell? Even the Greek Chorus is on a crappy cell phone?

Chorus: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Protagonist: Oh for God's sake! Your service provider sucks!

Chorus: Hello? Are you still there? Hello? We think he hung up.

Protagonist: I didn't hang up! I'm right here! Can't you hear me? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Chorus: Damn it! Our fingers were on the mute button!

Protagonist: I'm hanging up.

Chorus:: Hang up. We'll call you back. We'll call you back.

Protagonist: Hello? Ok. I'm hanging up.

Chorus: What?

Part Deux

Protagonist: Wait did you call me just now?

Chorus: No, you called us.

Protagonist: Hey, this is really good sound quality.

Chorus: We know, it's like you're in the next room.

Protagonist: No I'm not.

Chorus: No you're not in the next room. It's like you're in the next room.

Protagonist: Where are you?

Chorus: In the next room.

Part The Third

Protagonist: Did you just call me?

Deuteragonist: No. You called me.

Protagonist: But I just pressed "send" and I automatically reached you.

Deuteragonist: Well I called you before but you couldn't hear me.

Protagonist: No I could hear you; you couldn't hear me.

Deuteragonist: Well, now I hear you fine. What do you want?

Protagonist: I've got a huge decision to make. History hangs in the balance. I'm trying to decide whether to take the country to wa...

Deuteragonist: Hold on! Hold on! I've got another call coming in. I'm going to put you on hold. Don't go away.

Protagonist: No! No! Don't put me on hold! I have to decide now! I need to know whether there are weapons of mass...YOUR BALANCE IS LOW. PLEASE REFILL YOUR BALANCE NOW. Hello? Hello? I was in the middle of a godamned sentence and you just cut in like that!?

Chorus: History hangs in the balance. Should we go to war, or should we not? Is the crisis now cold, or is it still hot?

Protagonist: Wait! You were listening in on my conversation just now?

Chorus: You were shouting.

Part Kwatro

Chorus: Hello? Who is this?

Protagonist: You called me!

Chorus: Well what do you want?

Protagonist: What do you mean? You called me.

Chorus: We did?

Protagonist: Listen, I'm waiting for some intelligence from the front. It will be the deciding factor. It will mean either war or peace. Are you with me on this?

Chorus: Hold on. Our battery is about to die. We'll have to call you back.

Five-Oh

Protagonist: Are you there?

Deuteragonist: Who is this?

Protagonist: What do you mean, "Who is this?" I was just talking to you.

Deuteragonist: Prove it. What was I wearing?

Protagonist: Hello! I called you. I didn't film you. How do I know what you were wearing?

Deuteragonist: Well, what do you want?

Protagonist: I need to know if there are weapons of mass destruction, and I need to know now.

Deuteragonist: Well, there's definitely some yellow cake, and the evidence is pretty conclusive for...shun. But the consensus here is that ....irm the ...al decisi... I repeat; it is cricitcal that we...irm the ...shun.

Chorus: Hey can we borrow your phone? Our battery died.

Protagonist: What!? No! You can't borrow my phone! I'm in the middle of something! I can't hear both of you and at the same time!

Chorus: Who are you talking to?

Protagonist: Will you SHUT UP!? This is critical!

Deuteragonist: What's that? Shut up?

Protagonist: No not you!

Chorus: Hold on. We're moving to a better reception area.

Sextet

Protagonist: I'm not going to plunge the nation into war without irrefutable proof.

Deuteragonist: I'd say we have .... of ...oof. What does everybody else think?

Chorus: We want to say something.

Deuteragonist: What? What did they say?

Protagonist: I can't... Hold on. He can't hear you.

Chorus: Put us on speaker.

Protagonist: Ok. We're all on speaker. Can you hear us?

Chorus: Yes, perfectly.

Protagonist: No! Not you! Can you hear us, general? Are you there, ambassador? We need to know!

Deuteragonist: Need to know what?

Protagonist: “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Do I dare. Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

Deuteragonist: What the hell are you talking about?

Protagonist: Stop shouting. You're getting hoarse.

Chorus: A horse! a horse! our kingdom for a horse!

Deuteragonist: I know this is a bore, but...

Protagonist: You want us to go to war?

Chorus: Let's go to war!

LEADER OF CHORUS OF WOMEN: And yet you dare to make war upon me, wretch, when you might have me for your most faithful friend and ally.

Chorus: What? You're breaking up.

Party of the Seventh Part

LYSISTRATA: All the long time the war has lasted, we have endured in modest silence all you men did; you never allowed us to open our lips. We were far from satisfied, for we knew how things were going; often in our homes we would hear you discussing, upside down and inside out, some important turn of affairs. Then with sad hearts, but smiling lips, we would ask you: Well, in today's Assembly did they vote peace?-But, "Mind your own business!" the husband would growl, "Hold your tongue, please!" And we would say no more.

Deuteragonist: What did she say? I didn't get that.

Protagonist: Chorus, what did she say?

Chorus: We don't know. We weren't really paying attention. We were multi-tasking.

Protagonist: War is Hades!

Chorus: You can say that again!

Deuteragonist: Say what again? I didn't get that. Hello? Hello? Did you hang up?

Epilogue

Chorus: The old leader is gone. He was a warmonger. All hail the new leader, a true Hero. Oh new leader, our Hero! You give us hope. You are a man of peace. Here is a prize to prove it.

Deuteragonist: Hero, aren't you going to claim your prize?

Chorus: The Hero is sending us a Text!

Deuteragonist: Thank the gods! What does the Text say?

Chorus: It says: "Will pick up prize of peace rite after starting new war."

Protagonist: Can you hear me now?