Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark Goes for Gold


If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is how many rows away from the emergency exit I was sitting, and what my lousy flight was like, and how my stewardesses acted before they had me confined to my seat for doing jumping jacks in the aisle, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

       The point is, the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team finally made it to the Olympics. Or within the general proximity thereof. At least on paper. Sort of.

       Here's how it all went down.

       Day 1:  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team formed. (tryouts not necessary because country has a population of only 2 (1 of whom refuses to recognize country) plus cat.

       Day 2:  Cat deemed not eligible for National Team and summarily kicked off.

       Day 3:  Cat appeals expulsion order.

       Day 3: (partius secundus):  Expulsion order upheld.

       Day 3: (partius tricundus): Cat defects across the border and seeks political asylum.

        Day 3: (partius quatrain): Cat's application for political asylum denied!

        Day 3: (partius quintius maximus): Cat summarily repatriated by enemy border patrol.

       Day 3: (partius sextuplet): Cat begins sit-in protest.

       Days 4-72:  Casting about for some Olympic event in which to compete.

       Day 73: Hitting upon notion of Olympic Solitaire.  Pros: Can be played with only one person.  Cons:  Can be played with only one person.

       Day 73 (partius secundus) : Olympic Solitaire scratched!!!

       Days 74-79:  In training for Olympic channel surfing. (not to be confused with other surfing events).

       Day 80:  Board plane for London.

       [skipping over various incidents on the plane]

       Day 80: (partius secundus) Arrive London.

       Day 80: (partius ticonderoga)  Ask directions for Olympic Village.

       Day 80: (partius quatrain) No one knows where Olympic Village is.

       Days 80-83: At Courtyard by Marriot®, stewing.

       Day: 83 (partius secundus) Bellhop happens to causally mention that Olympics are not in London, Ontario but, rather, that other London, and what is the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team doing in Canada when the Olympics are in England? Rubbing it in, etc.

       Day 84:  Board plane for London.

       [skipping over various incidents on the plane]
       [skipping over various incidents at customs]
       [skipping over various incidents on the “Tube”]

       Day 85: Conversation with bobby, summarized as follows:

       You can’t come in here, without credentials mate.

              “I’m with the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team.”

       Never ‘eard of you.

“What do you mean you never heard of us?  Here. Here’s our flag.”

       You’re not on the list. Put that greasy thing away, and kindly step aside.

              “But I’ve got to march in the Parade of Nations.”

        Mate, the Parade of Nations was 6 days ago.  You’re a mite late.

              “Ho, ho.  Very funny.  The Parade of Nations can’t get started without the first team alphabetically. That would be us by a long shot. Helllo? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark. Also first in the phone book.  Maybe you should look at your little list again.”

       [skipping over various incidents at the magistrate’s court]

[skipping over Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark medal count so far, but you can probably guess it.]

Day 86: Consoling self with high tea at the Savoy, watching on the “telly” as various badminton teams deliberately throw their matches.  Even the cat could play better than these buffoons.

Day: 86 (partius secundus) Happen to tell bellhop at the Savoy about the ins and outs of the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarvark National Team Olympic event. In response, bellhop happens to causally mention that there never was and never will be any such Olympic event.

Why do clueless people and fakers have so many opinions, do you suppose?
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Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

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