President’s Bookmark* of Secrets

[FOR PRESIDENT’S EYES ONLY]

This laminated 2-sided bookmark is the portable, condensed version of Critical State Secrets. (*Full version of Secrets contained in hardbound volume under guest bed in Lincoln Bedroom next to box of tchotchkes). When in residence at the White House, keep secured in tome about John Adams resting perennially on Presidential bedside table. When traveling aboard Air Force One, stuff into carry-on. IMPORTANT: Do not lose! (Do NOT lend to V.P.).

UFOs

They do exist, but refuse to loan us money and never buy anything. Official Govt. line: “No such thing as UFOs.” (Policy in place to prevent mass outrage if citizens were to find out how tight-fisted these aliens really are).

Underground Bunker

Fully-stocked command and control center available to First Family in case of major catastrophe. In-laws think they are on the list, but they are in for big surprise! LOL! (V.P. knows where the key is). Cell phone service in the bunker runs from mediocre to horrible, just as it does above-ground.

How Family Members Address The Commander-in-Chief in Private

“President” (if they want to get into the bunker)

What the V.P. Really Does  

 Nothing.

Secret Service Code Names

President – CAPTAIN

1^st Lady – MARY-ANN

V.P. – GILLIGAN

Secretary of State – THE PROFESSOR

Chair of the Joint Chiefs – THURSTON HOWELL, III

Speaker of the House – DOBIE GILLIS

Your Stripper Name

Name of Street where you live + “busty” + name of 1^st pet ever owned. (if petless as a child, substitute “Jones.”): 

Moon Landing

Totally faked. You can see guy from prop dept. walking around the set in the background and eating a sandwich in the original production. (Only 1 copy of this version, stored in vault in W.H. basement). “Sandwich snafu” edited out for premier “live” T.V. broadcast and later versions. Even Walter Cronkite was kept in the dark.

Fort Knox

No actual gold there. The bricks on top are decorated with faux gold leaf for verisimilitude. Everything underneath is a house of cards.

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MORE SECRETS ON OTHER SIDE. PLEASE TURN OVER.

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Crazy Secret Department of Defense Projects Under Development

                Exploding Crazy Glue

Exploding Crazy Rice

Exploding Rice Pilaf

Exploding Globgobblers

How to Use Hotline Phone

Even tho instructions say dial 00-1-[country code] and then the 2-digit city code, and then the number, omit the 1^st zero, [otherwise result will be incomprehensible Balkan-sounding voice]. Confusing, yes, but will get the hang of it after enough international crises.

Quick Hotline Answering Tips:

 

Russian:  Da?

Italian: Pronto!

Latin:  Salve?

Latin-American: Si?

French: Ooooeee?

French Canadian:  Oooooee, eh!

White House Kitchen

Can make anything. ENN-NUH-THING! Will deliver. Dial 6. (Please allow 24 hours for Peking Duck).

Decoys

       Secret Service is in charge of Presidential decoys.  Try not to be in the same room with them at same time, as this kind of defeats the purpose. Once, a former President ended up on the same red carpet with 3 decoys simultaneously at a major international summit. What a clusterfuck! To be avoided!!!

Conspiracy Theories

Virtually all bullshit, except for the one that holds that a certain group has a stranglehold on the world kichel market.  The theories, though bogus, are useful for deflecting criticism of the Executive Branch for its many ill-conceived policies.

Nuclear Codes

Pennsylvania 6-5000

Dr. Strangeglove

Let’s D-r-o-p-t-h-e-b-i-g-o-n-e-n-o-w

(Note: When in the Executive Washroom for an extended period of time, take bookmark with you, as aide with briefcase chained to wrist will not follow you in there).

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If you find this bookmark and you are not the President, please drop in any mailbox or call 1-800-IAM-PREZ.