USER REVIEWS -- THE AAAAAAAAAARVARK ARMS HOTEL

* Out of ******* Stars

Do Not Stay at This Hotel!!!!
From the moment we arrived, we knew we had entered the 7th Circle of Hell!! The "Lobby" looked like the corner of somebody's kitchen.  There was no one at reception to meet us -- just a large cat sitting dejectedly on the counter. There was an envelope with our name on it, so we found our room on on our own on the 2nd floor  (no elevator --surprise, surprise!). When we got there, there was already a family staying in our room! We called the management and finally got through to a clerk, who was very rude. When we told him there was already somebody occupying our room, he said, "That's because you have a double." We told him this was unacceptable. He showed up about 45 min. later with some blankets which he hung from the ceiling to divide the room for "privacy." We were then herded into our side of the room (no windows!). The other family wouldn't shut up (they seemed to be some kind of circus performers) and we could hear them complaining about us as they practiced their routines.  To make matters worse, to get to the bathroom, we had to crawl under the blankets and then through their side of the room. To use the facility, you had to take a number and wait your turn. The mattresses were nothing more than floor mats and neither of us got any sleep.  In the morning, we went downstairs and asked about the continental breakfast that was supposed to be included in the price of the room. The clerk threw a package of Little Debbie Cakes at us and pointed dismissively to a jar of instant coffee and some loose packets of sugar and non-dairy creamer that looked like they had been stolen from an International House of Pancakes. We couldn't leave fast enough. We demanded our money back, but the clerk pointed to a piece of cardboard taped to the refrigerator bearing some child-like scrawl in red magic marker that read: "NO REFUNDS UNLESS A COURT FORCES US TO." Leaving that place was like going on vacation.  Do not, under any circumstances, stay here! C.J., Boulder Colorado.

* Out of ******* Stars

WORST EXPERIENCE EVER!
I've stayed at some horrible places all over the world, but the AAAAAAArdvark Arms has to be the absolute worst. My "room" was in what was nothing more than a closet, which apparently doubled as storage space for someone named Pincus, judging by the name on the boxes. Cramped?  It was like sleeping in a coffin.  Plus, the door wouldn't close all the way and a large cat kept getting in and sleeping on my head. In the morning, I skipped the "continental breakfast," because I could see that the so-called breakfast room was crowded with some disgruntled couple arguing with the manager, and some circus performers hoarding what few crumbs were available. I sprinted for my car and peeled away as fast as I could.  I wish it were possible to rate the hotels on this site with negative stars.  This one would be through the basement.  If you value your sanity, DO NOT STAY HERE!!!!!! S.P.Q.R. -- Rome, N.Y.

* Out of ******* Stars

WHAT A DUMP!
 I had been promised a detached cottage in the "lovely garden section." Instead, I got some kind of a shed at the end of a driveway. The decorations, if you could call them that, were old gardening tools hanging from nails pushed into the walls, probably with an old boot. The roof was some kind of corrugated tin which flapped up and down -- even in the slightest breeze -- like a jackhammer. The bed was not much more than a lumpy cot. (I found out later that the lump was a huge bag of birdseed shoved underneath).  I guess they were going for the "rustic look," but it felt more like the gulag out of  Solzhenitsyn or what I imagine the quarters at the Guantanamo Bay prison must be like.  Earlier, I had seen some kind of a large cat prowling around outside, which made me nervous, because there was a hole in the rear wall of the room. The "lovely garden section"  consisted of a couple of plastic chairs, a gnome whose paint was chipped and peeling, and a birdbath which evidently doubled as an ashtray all placed helter-skelter on a narrow strip of asphalt. At night, in addition to the incessant howling wind gushing through the hole in the wall, all I could hear was some kind of gnawing and squeaking sound coming from underneath the cot.  I scrambled for a flashlight and saw an orgiastic party of chipmunks gorging themselves on the birdseed.  In the morning, on my way to breakfast,  I had to step over a dead chipmunk (I guess the cat had gotten to it). I lost my appetite, but it didn't mater; I couldn't even get in to breakfast, the room was so crowded and there seemed to be some kind of commotion and lots of finger pointing. I'm never, ever coming here again. A.J. -- Mobile, Alabama.

* Out of ******* Stars

RIPOFF!
We were so looking forward to our "ocean view room with veranda." We couldn't believe it when we were shown to a crawl space in an attic compartment (we had to shimmy up a ladder to get there). "What about the ocean view?" we asked the girl who refused to help us with our bags.  She reached for an ancient television set and switched it on by pounding on it and screaming obscenities.  When it finally turned on, the screen (it was kind of purplish) displayed somebody's 40-year old home movies of their afternoon at the Jersey Shore. It played in a continuous loop.  Sound was extra.  What about the veranda? We asked. "That's me,"  she said.  I'm Verandah. When you ring this bell (pointing to an old hand bell), I holler upstairs to see what you want.  Don't ring it after 7:45 p.m. or before 11 a.m." To make matters worse, we couldn't turn the T.V. off. When we finally pryed open the Mini-Bar, we found a half-eaten Toblerone and some Fresca. I guess we should have known when the Toblerone showed up on our bill the next day, and no amount of arguing and cajoling could convince the clerk  that we weren't responsible.  The hotel refused to issue a credit for it. The icing on the cake was when we were loading the car with our suitcases (of course Verandah was nowhere to be seen) and a very large cat jumped through an open window and sprawled all over the steering wheel. We tossed him on to the adjoining property as we made our escape.  This place is a joke.  DO NOT STAY HERE!!! B.O. -- Portland Oregon.  


* Out of ******* Stars

HORRIBLE STAFF/HORRIBLE TOWELS.
The high crimes and misdemeanors of this alleged hotel are so voluminous that it would take a lifetime to chronicle them, and I do not have that much time. I shall select just one incident emblematic of the whole nihilistic experience.  There were no towels in the bathroom so we called housekeeping to ask for some. The staffer who finally got around to answering the phone was so rude and obnoxious that I wondered if we had checked the box for "masochistic abuse" on the "Special Requests" section of the Website.  We needed to explain to this person 3 times what the problem was in order for him to stop pretending he didn't know what we were talking about. About 45 min. later, there was a knock on the door, and then without us even opening it, this insolent I-don't-know-what just barged right in.  He was carrying a stack of blankets and a single towel emblazoned with the corporate logo for Avis Rent-a-Car. The blankets were for the room next door, he explained. (BTW, we don't know what exactly was going on in the room next door, but it sounded like they were breaking in a pommel horse and constantly bouncing off the wall with a loud thud. This would go on into the wee hours, as we later discovered). The housekeeping person nonchalantly tossed our towel on the bed and left in a huff, as though we had inconvenienced him beyond imagination. As for the towel he had so unceremoniously dumped, it was actually covered with some kind of grease and was a little ripped, as though it had been fluttering on a flagpole outside in the wind or something before being delivered to us.  It was no use complaining to anyone.  Nobody there could have cared less about us. The aforementioned outrage was about the most pleasant experience we had at the AAAAAAAAAARVARK Arms.  Needless to say, it will be a rather frigid day in Hades before we ever deign to return. P.D.Q. -- San Jose, California. 

******* Out of ******* Stars

LOVED IT!
What can I say?  I love this place. They were very acommodating.  I arrived with 14 boxes of junk mail and other personal effects and they said it would be no problem storing my stuff. When I had a minor food craving (after the breakfast room was closed), they showed me where I could get a Toblerone from an attic mini-bar. (I wasn't that hungry, so I only ate half). Also, because I like to have lots of towels after I soak in the tub, they showed me where I could get extras from the room next door at no extra charge! I found the "lovely garden section" a most enjoyable scene for enjoying my stogies, and very much appreciated the giant ashtray conveniently situated therein. When I found out that the continental breakfast included "Little Debbie Cakes," (my faves!) I stuffed as many into my pockets as the laws of gravity would allow. This was heaven on earth with a capital "H" "O" and "E!" When I have room for my boxes, I'm definitely coming back!  --Pincus M. Mandelbaum --