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On Dec. 25, 2009 (a date that was of apparent significance to a few billion people around the world), a Nigerian national, evidently trained in London by Al Qaeda operatives and who had travelled from Yemen, boarded Northwest Airlines Flight 253 in Amsterdam, set off a device over U.S. airspace while the plane was en route to Detroit, and was subdued by passengers and crew, who clearly had paid attention to the well-worded Homeland Security warnings on buses and subways about being alert to suspicious behavior.
As a result of this incident, the Transportation Security Administration ("TSA"), has worked with airline and law enforcement authorities, as well as federal, state, local, and international partners to put additional security measures in place to ensure aviation security remains robust. Passengers traveling domestically and internationally to and from U.S. destinations may notice additional screening measures, as follows:
1. Passengers traveling on international flights should plan to arrive at the airport at least 2 days prior to their scheduled departure time. Passengers should bring cots on wheels so that they can make slow, but steady progress sleep-wheeling themselves through the security lines.
2. No cots (with or without wheels) will be allowed through the security checkpoint. Passengers will have to surrender these items to the screeners.
3. Passengers unable to arrive at the airport at least 2 days prior to their scheduled departure time should plan to arrive at least 3 days prior to their scheduled departure time.
4. Passengers will no longer be allowed to tape explosives to their legs or stuff them in their underwear because of the lack of equipment or competent screeners at the Amsterdam airport to detect such items.
5. While passengers will still be allowed to bring liquids on board, each passenger will be limited to a quarter of an ounce of liquid or approximately one eyedropper-full per liquid. Additionally, the following liquids are now prohibited on all flights: vinegar, boiled-down bullion cubes, anything pumpkin-flavored, and the gel that gefilte fish floats in in glass jars.
6. Passengers will no longer be able to board aircraft wearing pants or shoes.
7. While on board the aircraft, passengers may not look to the right nor to the left, but must stare straight ahead for the duration of the flight.
8. Passengers must not speak. (Passengers may hum quietly to themselves, but not the theme from "Riverdance" or anything by Neil Diamond).
9. Only one out of 5 passengers (those seated in the aft [poop deck] section of the plane, will be allowed to use the lavatories. [These restrictions will not apply to First Class passengers, where one out of two will be allowed to use the lavatories].
10. No passenger will be permitted to remain in the lavatory longer than 3 minutes. Lavatory monitors will be stationed throughout the aircraft to enforce these rules. They will be easily identified by their uniforms of wife-beater t-shirts and 3-day growths of beard. At the 2 minute, 30 mark, the lavatory monitors will pound on the doors and shout: "Are you writing a novel in there?"
11. Airlines will still serve beverages on flight, but each passenger will be limited to an eye-dropper-size beverage. Moxie will no longer be permitted on trans-Atlantic flights (except for those originating in Maine).
12. Passengers will be limited to one carry-on item -- no exceptions. The carry-on item must fit securely inside the earlobe of a six-day old child. Items exceeding this size requirement will be routed to other destinations as far away from the passenger's final destination as is possible.
13. Use of electronic items on board, such as blenders, paper shredders, and hedge clippers, will not be allowed.
14. Passengers will no longer be able to recline in their seats, as doing so may interfere with their ability to stare straight ahead, which FAA directive goes into effect immediately.
15. No sleeping will be allowed on any flight. Consequently, passengers will no longer be able to use pillows or blankets on board. While seated, passengers must keep their hands folded neatly in their lap.
There will be some inconvenience as these measures are implemented. The TSA expects that the flying public understands that these rules are necessary to protect them and to safeguard their civil rights and liberties. The TSA and the Department of Homeland Security are confident that these new safeguards will prevent the types of incidents such as that which occurred on December 25, 2009. While that episode revealed an obvious crack in the system, it can never recur now that no one can bring saline solution on board an airplane (even if, as Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano cleverly pointed out -- they are on a terrorism watch list, purchase a one-way ticket with cash and check no luggage). Moreover, the U.S. State Department has directed all embassy and consular staff around the world to transmit the news to Washington within 3 months of learning from a person's parents that their son is a Jihadist bent on wreaking as much havoc as possible.
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On Dec. 25, 2009 (a date that was of apparent significance to a few billion people around the world), a Nigerian national, evidently trained in London by Al Qaeda operatives and who had travelled from Yemen, boarded Northwest Airlines Flight 253 in Amsterdam, set off a device over U.S. airspace while the plane was en route to Detroit, and was subdued by passengers and crew, who clearly had paid attention to the well-worded Homeland Security warnings on buses and subways about being alert to suspicious behavior.
As a result of this incident, the Transportation Security Administration ("TSA"), has worked with airline and law enforcement authorities, as well as federal, state, local, and international partners to put additional security measures in place to ensure aviation security remains robust. Passengers traveling domestically and internationally to and from U.S. destinations may notice additional screening measures, as follows:
1. Passengers traveling on international flights should plan to arrive at the airport at least 2 days prior to their scheduled departure time. Passengers should bring cots on wheels so that they can make slow, but steady progress sleep-wheeling themselves through the security lines.
2. No cots (with or without wheels) will be allowed through the security checkpoint. Passengers will have to surrender these items to the screeners.
3. Passengers unable to arrive at the airport at least 2 days prior to their scheduled departure time should plan to arrive at least 3 days prior to their scheduled departure time.
4. Passengers will no longer be allowed to tape explosives to their legs or stuff them in their underwear because of the lack of equipment or competent screeners at the Amsterdam airport to detect such items.
5. While passengers will still be allowed to bring liquids on board, each passenger will be limited to a quarter of an ounce of liquid or approximately one eyedropper-full per liquid. Additionally, the following liquids are now prohibited on all flights: vinegar, boiled-down bullion cubes, anything pumpkin-flavored, and the gel that gefilte fish floats in in glass jars.
6. Passengers will no longer be able to board aircraft wearing pants or shoes.
7. While on board the aircraft, passengers may not look to the right nor to the left, but must stare straight ahead for the duration of the flight.
8. Passengers must not speak. (Passengers may hum quietly to themselves, but not the theme from "Riverdance" or anything by Neil Diamond).
9. Only one out of 5 passengers (those seated in the aft [poop deck] section of the plane, will be allowed to use the lavatories. [These restrictions will not apply to First Class passengers, where one out of two will be allowed to use the lavatories].
10. No passenger will be permitted to remain in the lavatory longer than 3 minutes. Lavatory monitors will be stationed throughout the aircraft to enforce these rules. They will be easily identified by their uniforms of wife-beater t-shirts and 3-day growths of beard. At the 2 minute, 30 mark, the lavatory monitors will pound on the doors and shout: "Are you writing a novel in there?"
11. Airlines will still serve beverages on flight, but each passenger will be limited to an eye-dropper-size beverage. Moxie will no longer be permitted on trans-Atlantic flights (except for those originating in Maine).
12. Passengers will be limited to one carry-on item -- no exceptions. The carry-on item must fit securely inside the earlobe of a six-day old child. Items exceeding this size requirement will be routed to other destinations as far away from the passenger's final destination as is possible.
13. Use of electronic items on board, such as blenders, paper shredders, and hedge clippers, will not be allowed.
14. Passengers will no longer be able to recline in their seats, as doing so may interfere with their ability to stare straight ahead, which FAA directive goes into effect immediately.
15. No sleeping will be allowed on any flight. Consequently, passengers will no longer be able to use pillows or blankets on board. While seated, passengers must keep their hands folded neatly in their lap.
There will be some inconvenience as these measures are implemented. The TSA expects that the flying public understands that these rules are necessary to protect them and to safeguard their civil rights and liberties. The TSA and the Department of Homeland Security are confident that these new safeguards will prevent the types of incidents such as that which occurred on December 25, 2009. While that episode revealed an obvious crack in the system, it can never recur now that no one can bring saline solution on board an airplane (even if, as Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano cleverly pointed out -- they are on a terrorism watch list, purchase a one-way ticket with cash and check no luggage). Moreover, the U.S. State Department has directed all embassy and consular staff around the world to transmit the news to Washington within 3 months of learning from a person's parents that their son is a Jihadist bent on wreaking as much havoc as possible.
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