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Air Traffic Control: Aaaaaaaarvark Airlines 358 [inaudible] please confirm distress call on this frequency.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Roger that, Control. That was us.
Air Traffic Control: What's the problem, Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358? Over.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: We're running dangerously low on snacks in Economy, over.
Air Traffic Control: Uh, Roger that. Roger that. How long can you hold out, Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: We have a half a Toblerone. If we slice it super-thin --10, 20 minutes tops. But we have 4 comedians on board. Jokes have started to form, on the starboard side. We're taking on a lot of lame-i-tude. Request a mid-air re-stocking of the food cart.
Air Traffic Control: That's a negative, Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358. We're going to have to divert you to...AAA.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Come back, Control. Did you say AAA?
Air Traffic Control: Affirmative. Affirmative. It's first in the list of airport codes, over.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: We Copy. Do they have [inaudible] Toblereone? Over.
Air Traffic Control: We don't have information on that. Will request an emergency Mr. Happy Snack Time vehicle to meet you on runway 2 and some big hooks to take the comics into custody. Please Confirm your position, Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358, over.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Waterboarding is fine for some people, but not for others. The taxpayers shouldn't have to finance sex change operations for convicted felons. Treating corporations like people is just silly, and a blow to campaign finance reform. Toblerone should be a right for all, and not just a privilege for the few, over.
Air Traffic Control: What? No! No! No! Not your political position! Confirm your location, over
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Marco.
Air Traffic Control: Polo.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Marco.
Air Traffic Control: Polo.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: MARCO!
Air Traffic Control: POLO! OK, we see you. Over.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Polo. I mean, Marco. I mean over, over.
Air Traffic Control: Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358, what are you talking about, now?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Just talking smack, over.
Air Traffic Control: LOL, over.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: RAOTFALMAO, over.
Air Traffic Control: RB@Ya, over.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Come back, Control. Did you say Over or Under? Over.
Air Traffic Control: Let's start over, over.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Inaudible.
Air Traffic Control: Why did you say, "inaudible," over?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Looks good on a transcript, over.
Air Traffic Control: . . .Roger that.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Control, hold on! We just saw a UFO! We just saw a UFO! We just saw a UFO! We just saw a UFO!
Air Traffic Control: Heard you the first time, Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358. Where's the [inaudible] UFO from?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: We don't [inaudible] know. It's a UFO. Hold on. Its bottom latch is opening up. It's lowering something down to us! It's lowering something down to us! It's lowering something down to us! It's lowering something down to us!
Air Traffic Control: Why do you say everything four times, already, Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358? OK. [inaudible] [inaudible][inaudible] [inaudible]. What's the UFO lowering down, over?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: Looks like a really big Mars Bar, over.
Air Traffic Control: Roger that, Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358. Descend to 3250 feet and Proceed on a vector of P.M.M. to the MB ASAP, over.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaak 358: We copy. Can we put this post out of its misery, now, Control?
Air Traffic Control: Affirmative. It's over, over.
Showing posts with label Air Travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Air Travel. Show all posts
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
TSA's New Security Guidelines Make Us All Safer
*
*
*
On Dec. 25, 2009 (a date that was of apparent significance to a few billion people around the world), a Nigerian national, evidently trained in London by Al Qaeda operatives and who had travelled from Yemen, boarded Northwest Airlines Flight 253 in Amsterdam, set off a device over U.S. airspace while the plane was en route to Detroit, and was subdued by passengers and crew, who clearly had paid attention to the well-worded Homeland Security warnings on buses and subways about being alert to suspicious behavior.
As a result of this incident, the Transportation Security Administration ("TSA"), has worked with airline and law enforcement authorities, as well as federal, state, local, and international partners to put additional security measures in place to ensure aviation security remains robust. Passengers traveling domestically and internationally to and from U.S. destinations may notice additional screening measures, as follows:
1. Passengers traveling on international flights should plan to arrive at the airport at least 2 days prior to their scheduled departure time. Passengers should bring cots on wheels so that they can make slow, but steady progress sleep-wheeling themselves through the security lines.
2. No cots (with or without wheels) will be allowed through the security checkpoint. Passengers will have to surrender these items to the screeners.
3. Passengers unable to arrive at the airport at least 2 days prior to their scheduled departure time should plan to arrive at least 3 days prior to their scheduled departure time.
4. Passengers will no longer be allowed to tape explosives to their legs or stuff them in their underwear because of the lack of equipment or competent screeners at the Amsterdam airport to detect such items.
5. While passengers will still be allowed to bring liquids on board, each passenger will be limited to a quarter of an ounce of liquid or approximately one eyedropper-full per liquid. Additionally, the following liquids are now prohibited on all flights: vinegar, boiled-down bullion cubes, anything pumpkin-flavored, and the gel that gefilte fish floats in in glass jars.
6. Passengers will no longer be able to board aircraft wearing pants or shoes.
7. While on board the aircraft, passengers may not look to the right nor to the left, but must stare straight ahead for the duration of the flight.
8. Passengers must not speak. (Passengers may hum quietly to themselves, but not the theme from "Riverdance" or anything by Neil Diamond).
9. Only one out of 5 passengers (those seated in the aft [poop deck] section of the plane, will be allowed to use the lavatories. [These restrictions will not apply to First Class passengers, where one out of two will be allowed to use the lavatories].
10. No passenger will be permitted to remain in the lavatory longer than 3 minutes. Lavatory monitors will be stationed throughout the aircraft to enforce these rules. They will be easily identified by their uniforms of wife-beater t-shirts and 3-day growths of beard. At the 2 minute, 30 mark, the lavatory monitors will pound on the doors and shout: "Are you writing a novel in there?"
11. Airlines will still serve beverages on flight, but each passenger will be limited to an eye-dropper-size beverage. Moxie will no longer be permitted on trans-Atlantic flights (except for those originating in Maine).
12. Passengers will be limited to one carry-on item -- no exceptions. The carry-on item must fit securely inside the earlobe of a six-day old child. Items exceeding this size requirement will be routed to other destinations as far away from the passenger's final destination as is possible.
13. Use of electronic items on board, such as blenders, paper shredders, and hedge clippers, will not be allowed.
14. Passengers will no longer be able to recline in their seats, as doing so may interfere with their ability to stare straight ahead, which FAA directive goes into effect immediately.
15. No sleeping will be allowed on any flight. Consequently, passengers will no longer be able to use pillows or blankets on board. While seated, passengers must keep their hands folded neatly in their lap.
There will be some inconvenience as these measures are implemented. The TSA expects that the flying public understands that these rules are necessary to protect them and to safeguard their civil rights and liberties. The TSA and the Department of Homeland Security are confident that these new safeguards will prevent the types of incidents such as that which occurred on December 25, 2009. While that episode revealed an obvious crack in the system, it can never recur now that no one can bring saline solution on board an airplane (even if, as Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano cleverly pointed out -- they are on a terrorism watch list, purchase a one-way ticket with cash and check no luggage). Moreover, the U.S. State Department has directed all embassy and consular staff around the world to transmit the news to Washington within 3 months of learning from a person's parents that their son is a Jihadist bent on wreaking as much havoc as possible.
*
*
On Dec. 25, 2009 (a date that was of apparent significance to a few billion people around the world), a Nigerian national, evidently trained in London by Al Qaeda operatives and who had travelled from Yemen, boarded Northwest Airlines Flight 253 in Amsterdam, set off a device over U.S. airspace while the plane was en route to Detroit, and was subdued by passengers and crew, who clearly had paid attention to the well-worded Homeland Security warnings on buses and subways about being alert to suspicious behavior.
As a result of this incident, the Transportation Security Administration ("TSA"), has worked with airline and law enforcement authorities, as well as federal, state, local, and international partners to put additional security measures in place to ensure aviation security remains robust. Passengers traveling domestically and internationally to and from U.S. destinations may notice additional screening measures, as follows:
1. Passengers traveling on international flights should plan to arrive at the airport at least 2 days prior to their scheduled departure time. Passengers should bring cots on wheels so that they can make slow, but steady progress sleep-wheeling themselves through the security lines.
2. No cots (with or without wheels) will be allowed through the security checkpoint. Passengers will have to surrender these items to the screeners.
3. Passengers unable to arrive at the airport at least 2 days prior to their scheduled departure time should plan to arrive at least 3 days prior to their scheduled departure time.
4. Passengers will no longer be allowed to tape explosives to their legs or stuff them in their underwear because of the lack of equipment or competent screeners at the Amsterdam airport to detect such items.
5. While passengers will still be allowed to bring liquids on board, each passenger will be limited to a quarter of an ounce of liquid or approximately one eyedropper-full per liquid. Additionally, the following liquids are now prohibited on all flights: vinegar, boiled-down bullion cubes, anything pumpkin-flavored, and the gel that gefilte fish floats in in glass jars.
6. Passengers will no longer be able to board aircraft wearing pants or shoes.
7. While on board the aircraft, passengers may not look to the right nor to the left, but must stare straight ahead for the duration of the flight.
8. Passengers must not speak. (Passengers may hum quietly to themselves, but not the theme from "Riverdance" or anything by Neil Diamond).
9. Only one out of 5 passengers (those seated in the aft [poop deck] section of the plane, will be allowed to use the lavatories. [These restrictions will not apply to First Class passengers, where one out of two will be allowed to use the lavatories].
10. No passenger will be permitted to remain in the lavatory longer than 3 minutes. Lavatory monitors will be stationed throughout the aircraft to enforce these rules. They will be easily identified by their uniforms of wife-beater t-shirts and 3-day growths of beard. At the 2 minute, 30 mark, the lavatory monitors will pound on the doors and shout: "Are you writing a novel in there?"
11. Airlines will still serve beverages on flight, but each passenger will be limited to an eye-dropper-size beverage. Moxie will no longer be permitted on trans-Atlantic flights (except for those originating in Maine).
12. Passengers will be limited to one carry-on item -- no exceptions. The carry-on item must fit securely inside the earlobe of a six-day old child. Items exceeding this size requirement will be routed to other destinations as far away from the passenger's final destination as is possible.
13. Use of electronic items on board, such as blenders, paper shredders, and hedge clippers, will not be allowed.
14. Passengers will no longer be able to recline in their seats, as doing so may interfere with their ability to stare straight ahead, which FAA directive goes into effect immediately.
15. No sleeping will be allowed on any flight. Consequently, passengers will no longer be able to use pillows or blankets on board. While seated, passengers must keep their hands folded neatly in their lap.
There will be some inconvenience as these measures are implemented. The TSA expects that the flying public understands that these rules are necessary to protect them and to safeguard their civil rights and liberties. The TSA and the Department of Homeland Security are confident that these new safeguards will prevent the types of incidents such as that which occurred on December 25, 2009. While that episode revealed an obvious crack in the system, it can never recur now that no one can bring saline solution on board an airplane (even if, as Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano cleverly pointed out -- they are on a terrorism watch list, purchase a one-way ticket with cash and check no luggage). Moreover, the U.S. State Department has directed all embassy and consular staff around the world to transmit the news to Washington within 3 months of learning from a person's parents that their son is a Jihadist bent on wreaking as much havoc as possible.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Your Itinerary
THANKS FOR CHOOSING AIR HEAD
Thanks for choosing Air Head. Attached is the booking confirmation for your trip. Please review the confirmation carefully as it includes some important information about flying with us. Although you do not need this document to check in, failure to have it on your person may cause it to be on some other person.
Treat yourself to a seat!
Starting at just $180 more, you can actually get a seat on your flight instead of standing up the whole way and hanging on to a greasy strap! (Recommended for flights of 5 hours' duration or more)
Click here to get a seat ------> (:( OK, Not here. Here -------------> (:)
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(We're just foolin' witchuh)
Are you on an FAA Watch List?
Would you like to be?
To find out more, Call 1-800-ImOnaWatchList
REZ/Itinerary
Seth Salinger
Newton, MA 02461
Confirmation Code: BARFBAG
Date Booked: 31 Jul 09
Modified: 31 Jul 09
Booked By: Julio-down-by-the-schoolyard
Welcome Aboard Amigo!
DATE -- 16 Sep 09
FLIGHT 474
DEPART BOS (Logan) 7:46:46 A.M.
STOP 1 WORCESTER 7: 58 A.M. (Do not get off the plane! a short film will be screened)
DEPART WORCESTER 7:59 A.M.
STOP 2 SPRINGFIELD 8:14 A.M.
DEPART SPRINGFIELD 8:33 A.M.
(A short breakfast will be served. It's about 2 inches tall).
STOP 3 HARTFORD 8:40 A.M.
(2 hour 30 min. layover. Watch CNN or something. It's turned up really loud all over the airport. You can't get away from it--even in the bathroom--it makes you want to shoot yourself. And how about how much the bookstore sucks? Who reads this chazerai? Well, at least there's the magazines. Wow! Are those boobs real!? Hmmm. A thumb exerciser. I've always wanted to get one of those. "Yes, I'll take thumb exerciser and some Sucrettes...$33.45!? Are you insane!? What? Yes, I want a bag! 33 bucks for this North Korean piece of shit? -- You think you could spare a bag? That's the only size bag you have? I could fit a Sherman tank in there! I'm supposed to carry my thumb exerciser inside this thing? It's the size of a parachute! Now they're going to make me check my thumb exerciser." Oh, Thank God! They're calling your flight --------------------------------- Hurry up. (keep panting) Hurry up. (keep panting) Hurry up! (keep panting) It's Gate 29 and you're only at Gate 6.------- What's that, God? No I would not like to have a heart attack right now, thank you very much. Not a good time. How 'bout a rain check? Pheww, Made it. Gate 29 -- What? False alarm? 25 more minutes? What am I supposed to do for 25 minutes? Yeah, yeah, I know, go back to Orange Julius and have some more sugar.
DEPART HARTFORD 10:70 A.M. (Maybe Orange Julius will mail you your Thumb Exerciser).
10: 89 A.M. (Emergency Landing: Merritt Parkway, Exit 40, Norwalk)
25 minute break for interview on WSLX 91.9 FM, New Canaan
DEPART MERRITT PARKWAY 11:30-ish
ARRIVE NYC LGA 11:40-ish
NYC Travel Tip
Grab a bagel
(Don't forget to pay for it)
DO YOU NEED A RENTAL CAR?
Do you need a leaky pen?
Do you need a massage?
Do you need some tacks?
How about some gum? Do you need some? Here. Have some gum.
Do you need a Q-Tip?
Do you have change for a dollar?
Money Off Hotel Stays!
Get $30* off your hotel stay by underpaying by $30. It's fun and illegal!
Use Code RIKERSISLAND and Book by August 30 for travel between August 30 and August 30, 2009. Not much of a window is it? Click here for the heck of it.
Promo Code is valid only for an illegal discount of $30 off a new hotel-only booking of at least three (3) consecutive nights, at unsuspecting hotels. Promo Code is only valid for bookings made through Air Head. Promo Code cannot be applied to existing travel, the cost of cancellation or change penalties, prepaid reservations, administrative fees or other miscellaneous charges. Promo Code cannot be applied to anything, actually. Promo Code is not redeemable for cash, and may not be combined or used in conjunction with other special offers. Promo Code must be referred to in the third person. Promo Code is very temperamental. Promo Code is a pain in the ass.
Carry-on Baggage Rules:
Customers may now carry through security checkpoints travel-size Thumb Exercisers that fit comfortably in a satchel of pure gold 1.8 cubits from its base to its highest point and 3 cubits from side to side to side, faced with wood shaved from the cedars of Lebanon, ivory from Ethiopia, and sprinkled all about with Jimmeys.
DOMESTIC TRAVEL:
Air Head offers two types of fares: Nonrefundable and Nonrefundable. For Air Head Nonrefundable Fares, changes or cancellations can be made prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $500 per person.
ADVICE TO INTERNATIONAL PASSENGERS:
Countries with McDonalds are rarely bombed.
NOTICE OF OVERBOOKING OF FLIGHTS
We do this intentionally. It's nothing personal. But you should see your face at the ticket counter! It's a scream, which is also what you'll do when we break the news to you. Oh take a Nitroglycerin and chill out. You have your Orange Julius don't you? If the flight is overbooked, no one will be denied a seat until airline personnel first ask for volunteers willing to give up their reservation in exchange for some trinket. If there are not enough volunteers, Air Head will deny boarding to all passengers and we can just sit here and think about our behavior.
Thanks for choosing Air Head. Attached is the booking confirmation for your trip. Please review the confirmation carefully as it includes some important information about flying with us. Although you do not need this document to check in, failure to have it on your person may cause it to be on some other person.
Treat yourself to a seat!
Starting at just $180 more, you can actually get a seat on your flight instead of standing up the whole way and hanging on to a greasy strap! (Recommended for flights of 5 hours' duration or more)
Click here to get a seat ------> (:( OK, Not here. Here -------------> (:)
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(We're just foolin' witchuh)
Are you on an FAA Watch List?
Would you like to be?
To find out more, Call 1-800-ImOnaWatchList
REZ/Itinerary
Seth Salinger
Newton, MA 02461
Confirmation Code: BARFBAG
Date Booked: 31 Jul 09
Modified: 31 Jul 09
Booked By: Julio-down-by-the-schoolyard
Welcome Aboard Amigo!
DATE -- 16 Sep 09
FLIGHT 474
DEPART BOS (Logan) 7:46:46 A.M.
STOP 1 WORCESTER 7: 58 A.M. (Do not get off the plane! a short film will be screened)
DEPART WORCESTER 7:59 A.M.
STOP 2 SPRINGFIELD 8:14 A.M.
DEPART SPRINGFIELD 8:33 A.M.
(A short breakfast will be served. It's about 2 inches tall).
STOP 3 HARTFORD 8:40 A.M.
(2 hour 30 min. layover. Watch CNN or something. It's turned up really loud all over the airport. You can't get away from it--even in the bathroom--it makes you want to shoot yourself. And how about how much the bookstore sucks? Who reads this chazerai? Well, at least there's the magazines. Wow! Are those boobs real!? Hmmm. A thumb exerciser. I've always wanted to get one of those. "Yes, I'll take thumb exerciser and some Sucrettes...$33.45!? Are you insane!? What? Yes, I want a bag! 33 bucks for this North Korean piece of shit? -- You think you could spare a bag? That's the only size bag you have? I could fit a Sherman tank in there! I'm supposed to carry my thumb exerciser inside this thing? It's the size of a parachute! Now they're going to make me check my thumb exerciser." Oh, Thank God! They're calling your flight --------------------------------- Hurry up. (keep panting) Hurry up. (keep panting) Hurry up! (keep panting) It's Gate 29 and you're only at Gate 6.------- What's that, God? No I would not like to have a heart attack right now, thank you very much. Not a good time. How 'bout a rain check? Pheww, Made it. Gate 29 -- What? False alarm? 25 more minutes? What am I supposed to do for 25 minutes? Yeah, yeah, I know, go back to Orange Julius and have some more sugar.
DEPART HARTFORD 10:70 A.M. (Maybe Orange Julius will mail you your Thumb Exerciser).
10: 89 A.M. (Emergency Landing: Merritt Parkway, Exit 40, Norwalk)
25 minute break for interview on WSLX 91.9 FM, New Canaan
DEPART MERRITT PARKWAY 11:30-ish
ARRIVE NYC LGA 11:40-ish
NYC Travel Tip
Grab a bagel
(Don't forget to pay for it)
DO YOU NEED A RENTAL CAR?
Do you need a leaky pen?
Do you need a massage?
Do you need some tacks?
How about some gum? Do you need some? Here. Have some gum.
Do you need a Q-Tip?
Do you have change for a dollar?
Money Off Hotel Stays!
Get $30* off your hotel stay by underpaying by $30. It's fun and illegal!
Use Code RIKERSISLAND and Book by August 30 for travel between August 30 and August 30, 2009. Not much of a window is it? Click here for the heck of it.
Promo Code is valid only for an illegal discount of $30 off a new hotel-only booking of at least three (3) consecutive nights, at unsuspecting hotels. Promo Code is only valid for bookings made through Air Head. Promo Code cannot be applied to existing travel, the cost of cancellation or change penalties, prepaid reservations, administrative fees or other miscellaneous charges. Promo Code cannot be applied to anything, actually. Promo Code is not redeemable for cash, and may not be combined or used in conjunction with other special offers. Promo Code must be referred to in the third person. Promo Code is very temperamental. Promo Code is a pain in the ass.
Carry-on Baggage Rules:
Customers may now carry through security checkpoints travel-size Thumb Exercisers that fit comfortably in a satchel of pure gold 1.8 cubits from its base to its highest point and 3 cubits from side to side to side, faced with wood shaved from the cedars of Lebanon, ivory from Ethiopia, and sprinkled all about with Jimmeys.
DOMESTIC TRAVEL:
Air Head offers two types of fares: Nonrefundable and Nonrefundable. For Air Head Nonrefundable Fares, changes or cancellations can be made prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $500 per person.
ADVICE TO INTERNATIONAL PASSENGERS:
Countries with McDonalds are rarely bombed.
NOTICE OF OVERBOOKING OF FLIGHTS
We do this intentionally. It's nothing personal. But you should see your face at the ticket counter! It's a scream, which is also what you'll do when we break the news to you. Oh take a Nitroglycerin and chill out. You have your Orange Julius don't you? If the flight is overbooked, no one will be denied a seat until airline personnel first ask for volunteers willing to give up their reservation in exchange for some trinket. If there are not enough volunteers, Air Head will deny boarding to all passengers and we can just sit here and think about our behavior.
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