Screenplay for a Porno

LET'S DO IT!

by Jones "Smutty" Jbird

Based on the Off- Broadway Interactive "Experience" "Let's Do It!"

Book by Jones "Smutty" Jbird

Music and Lyrics by Jones "Smutty" Jbird

Adaption from the Italian: "Facciamolo!" by Pornografico Blu

Director: Jones "Smutty" Jbird

Final Script
December 5, 2009

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Shazelle is standing at the kitchen counter texting while wearing short shorts and a cut-off. In walks Rod, the mailman carrying a big bulging package.

ROD

I have a big bulging package here for...hey! Let's do it!

SHAZELLE

OK.

CUE UP MUSIC: Musae sioniae by Michael Praetorious (German 1571-1621) featuring the Sackbut.

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of them doing it.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

CLOSE-UP of the Sackbut.

FADE OUT.

EXT. THE POOL, - DAY
Kittyesque is sunbathing in a chaise lounge. Dick, the Pool Man, shows up.

DICK

Let's do it!

KITTYESQUE

Why not?

CUE UP MUSIC: Peacock Variations (by Zoltán Kodály (Hungarian: 1882 – 1967)

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of them doing it.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

UNDERWATER SHOT of them doing it.

FADE OUT.


INT. OFFICE - DAY
Babetta is bending over some files wearing a mini skirt (Babetta, not the files). Boss Man Billy walks in carrying a rod.

BOSS MAN BILLY

What are you doing there?

BABETTA

Nothing

BOSS MAN BILLY

Let's do it!

BABETTA

Yes, sir.

CUE UP MUSIC: études opus 10 by Frédéric Chopin (Polish: 1810 - 1849)

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of them doing it.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

CLOSE-UP of Chopin doing it with author and feminist, Amandine Aurore Lucille Dupin, the Baroness Dudevant, better known by her pseudonym, George Sand.

BOSS MAN BILLY

Hey! Who let Chopin and George Sand in here?

FADE OUT.

INT. CAR - NIGHT
Luciellana and Johnson, the mechanic are admiring his tool box.

LUCIELLANA

Let's do it!

JOHNSON

Say no more!

CUE UP MUSIC: Op. 62, Divertimentos; duet by Fernando Sor (Spanish: baptised 14 February 1778 as Josep Ferran Sorts i Muntades. Died 1839, aged 61).

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of the car rocking.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

FADE OUT.


INT. FRANCOFERNANDO'S BACHELOR PAD - NIGHT

FRANCOFERNANDO'S FANTASY

Francofernando is just standing there minding his own businsess. One by one, different women walk up to him saying "Let's do it!" Francofernando says nothing but stoically does it.

CUE UP MUSIC: Musick for the Royal Fireworks by George Frideric Handel (German-English: 1685-1789)

MONTAGE of them doing it.

FRANCOFERNANDO INT. MONOLOGUE - DAY

Let's Do it!
Let's Do it!

FADE OUT.


EXT. BALCONY OF THE HOTEL SPLENDIDO IN SORRENTO OVERLOOKING THE BAY OF NAPLES
- DAY

Bustiana is admiring the view. Giovanni-son steps out with a tray of Limoncello. The Spanish tourist, Juan-son, tries to stop him. Giovanni-son slaps him in the face. Juan-son applies some Johnson & Johnson powder to the affected area and retreats.

CUE UP MUSIC: Twelve sonatas for violin and basso continuo by Antonio Lucio Vivaldi (1678 – 1741)

WIDE SHOT of Alfred Hitchcock walking a dog across the balcony.

AERIAL SHOT of Ferderico Fellini standing in front of a graffiti-covered wall with Encolpio lamenting the loss of his lover, Gitone, to Ascilto.

BUSTIANA

Come artistico!

GIOVANNI-SON

Facciamolo!

BUSTIANA

Prego!

CLOSE-UP of them doing it.

WIDE SHOT of them doing.

AERIAL SHOT of them doing it.

BACKLIT SHOT of them doing it.

FADE OUT.

INT. STAGE - NIGHT

ENSEMBLE singing the theme song:

(scantily clad!)

NOTE: Alfred Hitchcock and Federico Fellini are NOT in this scene.

And that's why Birds do it, Bees do it,
Even educated fleas do it,
Let's do it, Let's do it.
In Spain, the best upper sets do it,
Lithuanians and Letts do it,
Let's do it, Let's do it.
The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it,
Not to mention the Finns,
Folks in Siam do it,
Think of Siamese twins.
Some Argentines, without means, do it,
People say, in Boston, even beans do it,
Let's do it, Let's do it.

CUT TO BLACK.

Let's Do It. (12/05/09)

(Melanged scene from Satrycon courtesy of United Artists).

(Copyright Infringement suit from Estate of Cole Porter sub judice).

Send "Let's Do It!" Ringtones to your cellphone!