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Having published several small articles in this venue, I have come face-to-face with no small degree of reader reaction. The City has prevented me from disposing of these communications, so I am recycling them here, as I do not know what else to do with them.
___________________________________________
(1) Dear Mr. Salinger:
This firm represents the interests of the owners of Sponge Bob Square Pants. While we generally busy ourselves with affairs of State and cartooning, and would not, under ordinary circumstances, waste time on your idiotic pontifications, a number of our younger consumers were confused and distraught by your bogus obituary for our copyrighted character. Thus, we were forced to act. A mere glance at your scribblings convinced us, not only that you lack sound judgment, but, also, that you are, likely, judgment-proof.
Based on your alleged background, we assume you know how these things work, so we will cut to the chase: One more utterance out of you about Sponge Bob or any of the other residents of Bikini Bottom and the party's over. Cease and desist forthwith or else we will.
Yours Truly,
Eugene Krabs, Esq.
______________________________________________
(2) Dear Mr. Poucette:
Congratulations on surviving the exhausting round of interviews. After careful consideration, we are pleased to offer you a contract of employment as CEO at our firm with a starting annual salary of $185,000, plus a full benefits package outlined in the attached Schedule 1.
To signify your acceptance of this offer, you must return a signed copy of this letter within ten (10) days of the date hereof.
We look forward to a mutually productive and prosperous future and hope to hear from you soon.
Regards,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
_______________________________________________
(3) Dear Mr. Salinger:
I read your thing about hyphenated names and was not amused. Nor was anybody in my family, which has passed down our cherished chicken recipe for 9 generations. Nine! We're not going to call that recipe anything else, your small-mindedness notwithstanding.
Next time, pick on somebody your own size (mentally, that is).
Yours,
Lucille Doodey-Crapperhouse
_______________________________________________
(4) Dear Mr. Salinger:
Somebody who used to be my friend showed me the article you "wrote" about ancient Chinese poets. I couldn't find a reference to a single one of those people on Wikipedia, or Google, or Bing, or Yahoo and would venture to say that you made the whole thing up (although the poem about water chestnuts sounded vaguely familiar). Plus it was moronic. People should charge you to read your asinine musings.
Pay up!
Best,
Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum XXXIV
_______________________________________________
(5) Dear Mr. Poucette:
Several days ago, we sent you a formal offer of employment and have yet to hear back from you. As time is of the essence, please return a signed copy of the offer letter immediately so that we may keep the position open for you.
We look forward to your response and trust that your interest has not abated.
Regards,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
______________________________________________
(6) Dear Mr. Salinger:
Like yourself, I'm a busy professional, so I'll be brief. Yesterday, one of my patients (I'll refer to him as Mr. X, as that is, in fact, his name) became hysterical in my treatment room and began ranting that someone had broken into his office and stolen his dream diary. I assured him that he was hallucinating, until he showed me your little story about a dream diary.
I don't know where you got this material, sir, but it does in fact represent the innermost subconscious repressions of my patient who has for years been dreaming about being stuck in the subway waiting for a train that never comes. Recently, he made a breakthrough by dreaming about being stuck on a grounded plane, only to have the plane return to the terminal due to a lack of fuel.
I am going to hazard a guess that you are familiar with a little doctrine known as the doctor-patient privilege. It is inviolate, and yet you violated it. Here's my proposal: No formal charges will be lodged, and my patient and I will look the other way if you return his book -- no questions asked. It goes without saying that you have crossed a line (several, inf fact) and caused incalculable harm to his psyche, but I shall say it, anyway while imploring and beseeching you never to do this again.
Ever.
Very truly yours,
Saul Feinberg, MBBS, M.D., PhD.
_____________________________________________
(7) Dear Fellow Citizen:
The White House receives millions of letters and tweets every year from people all over the world. Obviously, the President cannot respond to each one individually, but has asked me to extend his appreciation for your [letter/postcard/e-mail/text/blog post] about [his Nobel Peace Prize/Speech in Cairo/Speech in Beijing/Speech in Copenhagen/Speech in Oslo/Speech in Ghana/Nobel Peace Prize].
Please be assured that your communication has been given the attention it deserves.
With Every Good Wish,
The White House Press Office.
(P.S.: Wow, 4 whole "Followers" for your Blog; that's impressive.)
(Still, a kid on YouTube picking his nose gets 31 million hits in a week. But don't be discouraged. Maybe if you add some animation like, oh, I don't know, a dog peeing on the rug, you might garner more [and, dare I say, a higher caliber of] readers. Just a thought.)
WHPO.
____________________________________________
(8) Dear A**ho*le:
I tried that Mother-f*****g product you endorsed -- Down-Boy Rx. Guess what? It worked. Now I can't f***, or h**p, or scht***, or even master**** anymore. My wife left me. My girlfriend left me. I lost my job. Even my dog treats me like I'm a wuss.
I'm sure you think I'm going to threaten to kill you, but that would be far too good for the likes of you. I'm sending you a case of Down-Boy Rx.
Start drinking it tonight, you creep. I hate you and I'll see you in Hell. You can't miss me. I'll be the one without the ****-on.
Name Withheld by Request.
_______________________________________________
(9) Dear Mr. Poucette:
The deadline for returning, signed, our offer of employment expires tomorrow. We hope that you have not overlooked this important date and will act immediately.
Please do not hesitate to call should you have any questions.
Yours, truly,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
_______________________________________________
(10) My Dear Sir:
I loved (absolutely) loved your piece about my address to the U.N. You captured me exactly!
LOL!
I am going to Friend you presently!
If you have some additional information about Jack Ruby (nee Rubenstein), please forward it to our consular office immediately. (If the office is closed, please forward the info to former Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura).
Inshallah, we will get to the bottom of this conspiracy.
Salaam,
His Excellency,
Moammar Kadaffi
______________________________________________
(11) Dear Mr. Poucette:
We regret that you have not returned the signed offer of employment from our company, and, therefore, have concluded that you have rejected the offer. We have extended the offer to the runner-up candidate.
With every good wish for your future endeavors, I remain,
Yours, truly,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
_______________________________________________
(12) Dear Mr. Salinger:
Your silly little blog post about a telephone bill, while amusing, was hardly a substitute for genuine payment. As you know, we are a real telephone company; we provide real service, and we send out real bills. Yours is overdue by 3 months.
Your past-due balance is $597.33. Ordinarily, we are loathe to make such threats when we know so many people are struggling in these dire economic times. In your case, however, it gives us distinct pleasure to announce that if your bill is not paid in full by December 18, your phone and Internet service (indeed, your lifeline to the entire outside world as we now know it) will be disconnected.
Restoration charges and late fees will apply.
Sincerely,
XXX Telephone Company
(What exactly IS the deal with all those calls to Bangkok?)
_______________________________________________
(13) Dear Mr. Poucette:
We were mortified to learn that our several recent letters offering you employment were mis-delivered to your next-door-neighbor, a Mr. Salinger, who, apparently, was too lazy and selfish to walk the 18 feet from his front door to yours to hand them to you. In the interim, the job has been offered to another candidate (who has now accepted), as the time within which you were required to respond has elapsed.
While our corporate counsel researches what, if any, charges may be filed against Mr. Salinger for, among other things, tampering with the U.S. Mail, we recommend that you retain your own attorney to determine what civil claims might be brought.
We shall keep your resume on file, and will not hesitate to contact you should another opportunity arise. Meanwhile, you might consider erecting a very tall fence on the line between your property and Mr. Salinger's, and also enlarging the number on your mailbox.
Yours, truly,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
____________________________________________________
(14) Dear Mr. Salinger:
I should like to remind you that we are a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt charitable organization. In fact, we are the only airline of which we are aware that is so designated, due largely to the fact that fully 75% of our planes' seats are filled, not with paying customers, but, rather, volunteers who dispense their benevolent services throughout the land to our nation's neediest.
Of course, we were flattered when you sent us your posting about an airline itinerary. We were elated when you told us that every click on the advertising accompanying your Blog would result in a revenue stream directly to our organization. So advised, we encouraged every member of our staff to get out the word to every one listed in their sizable directories.
Imagine our shock and disappointment when the good people at Google informed us that, in fact, every click on these ads generates revenue for you and not for us. We've heard of some lowdown dirty tricks before, but this is the lowest and dirtiest about which we've ever heard.
Though you ought to be ashamed, we have no doubt that such a word is not in your puny lexicon. Therefore, we can only console ourselves with the knowledge that your name and your memory have been erased from our mailing list. It is our fervent hope that you will reciprocate.
Sincerely,
Chastity Lindbergh
Air Head Airlines
"We Hope to Make it Off the Ground Today"
__________________________________________________
(15) Dear Whoever You Are:
We, the undersigned, have taken up a collection to pay for a DNA test. Please take it at your nearest clinic at your earliest convenience. We want to prove that we are not genetically related to you in any way, shape, or form.
And we want you to post the results immediately.
Our names are too numerous to mention, so just refer to us collectively as "the undersigned."
Regards,
The Undersigned.
_____________________________________________________________
(16) Dear Seth:
You are likely to hear and see some loud construction activity on our shared property line over the next several weeks. On the advice of counsel, I am building a very tall fence so that I never have to look at you or your house again.
I'd tell you in person, but I'm no longer talking to you.
Please keep off my lawn,
R. Poucette
_____________________________________________
Well, that's it for now.
Keep those cards and letters coming.
And remember, every time you click on those ads, a portion of the revenue generated goes directly to Air Head Airlines!
[
[
Having published several small articles in this venue, I have come face-to-face with no small degree of reader reaction. The City has prevented me from disposing of these communications, so I am recycling them here, as I do not know what else to do with them.
___________________________________________
(1) Dear Mr. Salinger:
This firm represents the interests of the owners of Sponge Bob Square Pants. While we generally busy ourselves with affairs of State and cartooning, and would not, under ordinary circumstances, waste time on your idiotic pontifications, a number of our younger consumers were confused and distraught by your bogus obituary for our copyrighted character. Thus, we were forced to act. A mere glance at your scribblings convinced us, not only that you lack sound judgment, but, also, that you are, likely, judgment-proof.
Based on your alleged background, we assume you know how these things work, so we will cut to the chase: One more utterance out of you about Sponge Bob or any of the other residents of Bikini Bottom and the party's over. Cease and desist forthwith or else we will.
Yours Truly,
Eugene Krabs, Esq.
______________________________________________
(2) Dear Mr. Poucette:
Congratulations on surviving the exhausting round of interviews. After careful consideration, we are pleased to offer you a contract of employment as CEO at our firm with a starting annual salary of $185,000, plus a full benefits package outlined in the attached Schedule 1.
To signify your acceptance of this offer, you must return a signed copy of this letter within ten (10) days of the date hereof.
We look forward to a mutually productive and prosperous future and hope to hear from you soon.
Regards,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
_______________________________________________
(3) Dear Mr. Salinger:
I read your thing about hyphenated names and was not amused. Nor was anybody in my family, which has passed down our cherished chicken recipe for 9 generations. Nine! We're not going to call that recipe anything else, your small-mindedness notwithstanding.
Next time, pick on somebody your own size (mentally, that is).
Yours,
Lucille Doodey-Crapperhouse
_______________________________________________
(4) Dear Mr. Salinger:
Somebody who used to be my friend showed me the article you "wrote" about ancient Chinese poets. I couldn't find a reference to a single one of those people on Wikipedia, or Google, or Bing, or Yahoo and would venture to say that you made the whole thing up (although the poem about water chestnuts sounded vaguely familiar). Plus it was moronic. People should charge you to read your asinine musings.
Pay up!
Best,
Pincus "Ming" Mandelbaum XXXIV
_______________________________________________
(5) Dear Mr. Poucette:
Several days ago, we sent you a formal offer of employment and have yet to hear back from you. As time is of the essence, please return a signed copy of the offer letter immediately so that we may keep the position open for you.
We look forward to your response and trust that your interest has not abated.
Regards,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
______________________________________________
(6) Dear Mr. Salinger:
Like yourself, I'm a busy professional, so I'll be brief. Yesterday, one of my patients (I'll refer to him as Mr. X, as that is, in fact, his name) became hysterical in my treatment room and began ranting that someone had broken into his office and stolen his dream diary. I assured him that he was hallucinating, until he showed me your little story about a dream diary.
I don't know where you got this material, sir, but it does in fact represent the innermost subconscious repressions of my patient who has for years been dreaming about being stuck in the subway waiting for a train that never comes. Recently, he made a breakthrough by dreaming about being stuck on a grounded plane, only to have the plane return to the terminal due to a lack of fuel.
I am going to hazard a guess that you are familiar with a little doctrine known as the doctor-patient privilege. It is inviolate, and yet you violated it. Here's my proposal: No formal charges will be lodged, and my patient and I will look the other way if you return his book -- no questions asked. It goes without saying that you have crossed a line (several, inf fact) and caused incalculable harm to his psyche, but I shall say it, anyway while imploring and beseeching you never to do this again.
Ever.
Very truly yours,
Saul Feinberg, MBBS, M.D., PhD.
_____________________________________________
(7) Dear Fellow Citizen:
The White House receives millions of letters and tweets every year from people all over the world. Obviously, the President cannot respond to each one individually, but has asked me to extend his appreciation for your [letter/postcard/e-mail/text/blog post] about [his Nobel Peace Prize/Speech in Cairo/Speech in Beijing/Speech in Copenhagen/Speech in Oslo/Speech in Ghana/Nobel Peace Prize].
Please be assured that your communication has been given the attention it deserves.
With Every Good Wish,
The White House Press Office.
(P.S.: Wow, 4 whole "Followers" for your Blog; that's impressive.)
(Still, a kid on YouTube picking his nose gets 31 million hits in a week. But don't be discouraged. Maybe if you add some animation like, oh, I don't know, a dog peeing on the rug, you might garner more [and, dare I say, a higher caliber of] readers. Just a thought.)
WHPO.
____________________________________________
(8) Dear A**ho*le:
I tried that Mother-f*****g product you endorsed -- Down-Boy Rx. Guess what? It worked. Now I can't f***, or h**p, or scht***, or even master**** anymore. My wife left me. My girlfriend left me. I lost my job. Even my dog treats me like I'm a wuss.
I'm sure you think I'm going to threaten to kill you, but that would be far too good for the likes of you. I'm sending you a case of Down-Boy Rx.
Start drinking it tonight, you creep. I hate you and I'll see you in Hell. You can't miss me. I'll be the one without the ****-on.
Name Withheld by Request.
_______________________________________________
(9) Dear Mr. Poucette:
The deadline for returning, signed, our offer of employment expires tomorrow. We hope that you have not overlooked this important date and will act immediately.
Please do not hesitate to call should you have any questions.
Yours, truly,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
_______________________________________________
(10) My Dear Sir:
I loved (absolutely) loved your piece about my address to the U.N. You captured me exactly!
LOL!
I am going to Friend you presently!
If you have some additional information about Jack Ruby (nee Rubenstein), please forward it to our consular office immediately. (If the office is closed, please forward the info to former Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura).
Inshallah, we will get to the bottom of this conspiracy.
Salaam,
His Excellency,
Moammar Kadaffi
______________________________________________
(11) Dear Mr. Poucette:
We regret that you have not returned the signed offer of employment from our company, and, therefore, have concluded that you have rejected the offer. We have extended the offer to the runner-up candidate.
With every good wish for your future endeavors, I remain,
Yours, truly,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
_______________________________________________
(12) Dear Mr. Salinger:
Your silly little blog post about a telephone bill, while amusing, was hardly a substitute for genuine payment. As you know, we are a real telephone company; we provide real service, and we send out real bills. Yours is overdue by 3 months.
Your past-due balance is $597.33. Ordinarily, we are loathe to make such threats when we know so many people are struggling in these dire economic times. In your case, however, it gives us distinct pleasure to announce that if your bill is not paid in full by December 18, your phone and Internet service (indeed, your lifeline to the entire outside world as we now know it) will be disconnected.
Restoration charges and late fees will apply.
Sincerely,
XXX Telephone Company
(What exactly IS the deal with all those calls to Bangkok?)
_______________________________________________
(13) Dear Mr. Poucette:
We were mortified to learn that our several recent letters offering you employment were mis-delivered to your next-door-neighbor, a Mr. Salinger, who, apparently, was too lazy and selfish to walk the 18 feet from his front door to yours to hand them to you. In the interim, the job has been offered to another candidate (who has now accepted), as the time within which you were required to respond has elapsed.
While our corporate counsel researches what, if any, charges may be filed against Mr. Salinger for, among other things, tampering with the U.S. Mail, we recommend that you retain your own attorney to determine what civil claims might be brought.
We shall keep your resume on file, and will not hesitate to contact you should another opportunity arise. Meanwhile, you might consider erecting a very tall fence on the line between your property and Mr. Salinger's, and also enlarging the number on your mailbox.
Yours, truly,
Abe P. Banderlootey
Hummina Hummina, Inc.
____________________________________________________
(14) Dear Mr. Salinger:
I should like to remind you that we are a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt charitable organization. In fact, we are the only airline of which we are aware that is so designated, due largely to the fact that fully 75% of our planes' seats are filled, not with paying customers, but, rather, volunteers who dispense their benevolent services throughout the land to our nation's neediest.
Of course, we were flattered when you sent us your posting about an airline itinerary. We were elated when you told us that every click on the advertising accompanying your Blog would result in a revenue stream directly to our organization. So advised, we encouraged every member of our staff to get out the word to every one listed in their sizable directories.
Imagine our shock and disappointment when the good people at Google informed us that, in fact, every click on these ads generates revenue for you and not for us. We've heard of some lowdown dirty tricks before, but this is the lowest and dirtiest about which we've ever heard.
Though you ought to be ashamed, we have no doubt that such a word is not in your puny lexicon. Therefore, we can only console ourselves with the knowledge that your name and your memory have been erased from our mailing list. It is our fervent hope that you will reciprocate.
Sincerely,
Chastity Lindbergh
Air Head Airlines
"We Hope to Make it Off the Ground Today"
__________________________________________________
(15) Dear Whoever You Are:
We, the undersigned, have taken up a collection to pay for a DNA test. Please take it at your nearest clinic at your earliest convenience. We want to prove that we are not genetically related to you in any way, shape, or form.
And we want you to post the results immediately.
Our names are too numerous to mention, so just refer to us collectively as "the undersigned."
Regards,
The Undersigned.
_____________________________________________________________
(16) Dear Seth:
You are likely to hear and see some loud construction activity on our shared property line over the next several weeks. On the advice of counsel, I am building a very tall fence so that I never have to look at you or your house again.
I'd tell you in person, but I'm no longer talking to you.
Please keep off my lawn,
R. Poucette
_____________________________________________
Well, that's it for now.
Keep those cards and letters coming.
And remember, every time you click on those ads, a portion of the revenue generated goes directly to Air Head Airlines!
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