Karl Marx's Third Grade Report Card

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Report of Scholastic Record for Year Ending 1824

Grade 3

Trier Public Elementary School

Trier, Kingdom of Prussia

Student: Marx, Karl

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Social Studies: (Mr. Engels)

Teacher Comments:

Karl is a bright little boy who plunges into the subject with gusto and enthusiasm. He is extremely verbose, however, and when asked to give a book report about the Queen of Prussia, instead of making a diorama out of a shoebox like the rest of his classmates, launched into a didactic harangue about how asinine and stupid the bourgeoisie are and how much he wants to hang them by their thumbs and kick them. He is a little disturbed and hypersensitive about ownership. Once, when it came time to clean the slate board erasers, he organized a general strike of the other third graders until the school janitor agreed to open the windows to let a little oxygen into the room (his chief "demand"), and the students were allowed to each claim a pro rata stake in the chalk. For this, he was idolized by some of the more dim-witted boys, which Karl used to maximum advantage in regards seating arrangements and sharing of lunchbox items. Karl is particularly adept at sharing the lunchbox items of others.

Grade: B-


Citizenship: (Mr. Hegel)

Teacher Comments:

Karl is hopelessly lost and is easily distracted by his neighbors in class. He seems bored and listless. I saw no evidence that he grasped the material. I fear he is doomed to repeat it.


Grade: D-


Science: (Mr. Nietzsche)

Teacher Comments:

Karl is a curious young man with prodigious powers of observation. His occasional exuberance is grating, however, and he needs to concentrate on his limitations, discard the mythology of "goodness" that the other teachers sometimes stuff into his head, and accept the random cruelty of the natural order. Then he will make quite a talented young scientist, his deeply flawed demonstration about the sexual habits of chiggers notwithstanding.


Grade: C+


Mathematics: (Mr. Einstein)

Teacher Comments:

Karl has an almost robotic knack for adding two and two and arriving at a sum of five. Although he tackles certain problems with aplomb, including those involving sets and subsets by counting, comparing, ordering, and so on, he is something of a dunce at simple arithmetic. Whilst even at this formative age he has claimed an interest in one day working as a bank teller or as an economist, God help us all should that ever come to pass. I recommend that he consider the Prussian People's Vocational School. One day, I am certain, he will make a very fine bicycle mechanic.


Grade: D



German Language and Literature: (Mr. Goethe)

Master Marx has a passable command of German grammar and syntax. He tends to write in impossibly long run-on sentences, but, then again, so does everybody in Germany.

Grade: B+


Music: (Mr. Bach)

Master Marx is tone deaf, cannot carry a tune, has no sense of melody, harmony, rhythm, or syncopation, cannot read a note to save his life, and cannot name a single composer, German or otherwise. Other than that, he is a brilliant student.

Grade: F

Physical Fitness: (Mr. Wagner)

Master Marx is sickly and pale and somewhat girlish in his approach to boxing -- which does not bode well for his future as a German Übermensch, a graduation requirement of the State curriculum. The scent of pickled herring and chopped liver is often on his breath and herein lies the problem; he is obviously not getting a sufficient German diet of sauerbraten and bratwurst at home. He has little stamina and is almost always picked last for dodge ball. Next term, I plan to toughen him up by taking him to the gym, putting on boxing gloves, and punching him in the head until he is impervious to pain. This will make a man out of him and will also keep the boxing gloves finely honed.

Grade: C

Checklist

Works and plays well with others Yes/No/Needs Improvement
Prepared: Yes/No/Needs Improvement
Punctual: Yes/No/Needs Improvement
Respectful of Others: Yes/No/Needs Improvement
Respectful of School Property: Yes/No/Needs Improvement
Ability to Solve problems: Yes/No/Needs Improvement
Participates: Yes/No/Needs Improvement
Appropriately Groomed: Yes/No/Needs Improvement


Overall Grade: D+

Recommended for Advancement to Next Level: Y/N