The Keys to Success

People often ask me, "Seth, what is the secret of your happiness?"

And I always tell them: "If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, would it? Do I look like a schmuck? Why don't you leave me alone?"

Sometimes people ask me, "Seth, how can I discover my true purpose in life?"

And I say to them: "What am I? Christopher Columbus? See that door over there? Why don't you discover how much fun it would be to walk through it and close it behind you?"

It's not unusual for people to ask me, "Seth, how can I be more serene like you?"

And I always respond: "May you get a rash and have nightmares!"

I often get asked, "Seth, how can I get my spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. to open up to me?"

I just give them a blank stare until they go away.

When people say to me, "Seth, should I simplify and give away my possessions?"

I say, "Yes, to me."

When people say to me, "What's it all about, Seth?"

I say: "I don't know, what's it all about, Alfie?"