Colloquy

TRANSCRIPT OF MOTION HEARING

In Re Fresser, Suffolk Superior Court, Civil Action Number 09-cv-4789-F

August 9, 2009

S. Salinger for plaintiffs (ex parte)

(Nosh, J. presiding)


MR. SALINGER: Good morning, your Honor

THE COURT: Good morning, counselor. These are your motions for temporary restraining orders. You may be heard.

MR. SALINGER: Thank you, your Honor. My client has brought this suit on behalf of himself and all diners similarly situated to enjoin the use of the phrase "you guys" by waiters and waitresses in commercial eating establishments on the grounds that said phrase debases the language, tends to dumb down society, and is so damaging to the segment of the population, now, perhaps, a minority, still able to construct a grammatically complete and correct English sentence, that it violates public policy and/or constitutes actionable hate speech.

THE COURT: You brought this lawsuit because you don't want waiters to say "you guys?"

MR. SALINGER: Correct, your Honor, as in: "How you guys doin'? My name is Chad and I'll be taking care of you tonight. Can I start you guys off with some drinks?' "

THE COURT: Counselor. Are you telling this Court that uttering the words "you guys" constitutes hate speech?

MR. SALINGER: Yes, your Honor. I hate it, as do many other people, especially married women who don't like being referred to as "guys." Additionally, your Honor, the suit seeks to enjoin all variations of the redundant plural, as in: "Your guys-es order will be out in a few moments."

THE COURT: Guys-es? Who says that?

MR. SALINGER: A waiter said it to my wife and me last night. Moreover, I clocked him and we waited 17 minutes after his representation about the order being out in a few moments. I would have billed over a quarter of an hour for that. It was a false and fraudulent misrepresentation.

THE COURT: Stick to the facts of the case, Mr. Salinger. If you don't want the wait staff at restaurants to refer to diners as "you guys," you can just tell them that. You don't need an Order from this Court.

MR. SALINGER: Well, your Honor, that may be so, but an Order from the court carries a certain cachet.

THE COURT: This Court doesn't issue orders for cachet.

MR. SALINGER: But, your Honor, these people are a menace. Now this hateful speech is spreading beyond our borders. I was at a restaurant in London, England a few months ago, and the waiter referred to us as "guys;" Not "chaps" or "fellows" or "mates," but "guys," as though he were raised in Detroit instead of the Cotswolds.

THE COURT: Mr. Salinger, this Court's jurisdiction does not extend to England. It doesn't even reach to Rhode Island.

MR. SALINGER: Exactly so, which is why we need an order of the Court. Without judicial intervention, the problem will get out of control and become a global contagion.

THE COURT: Counselor, what relief are you seeking in connection with this suit?

MR. SALINGER: A mandatory injunction, your Honor. Not only must wait staff be enjoined from uttering the phrase "you guys" or any derivation thereof, they must be instructed to address their customers as "Madam" or "Sir" or "Ladies and Gentlemen."

THE COURT: If you want a language police, you should go to France.

MR. SALINGER: Your Honor, a diminution in speech and elocution presages a dilution of independent thought, which is a harbinger of the end of civilization as we know it.

THE COURT: Oh, really? The attorney who was just in here claimed that trans-fats are a threat to civilization.

MR. SALINGER: Respectfully, your Honor. We're not seeking to outlaw fois grois; we're trying to eradicate sloth.

THE COURT: Counselor, according to your papers, you are proposing that repeat offenders be transported to the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay for re-education?

MR. SALINGER: Yes, because a monetary fine is insufficient to dissuade the worst offenders.

THE COURT: Guantanamo Bay, counselor?

MR. SALINGER: Indeed, your Honor. There are some vacancies there now.

THE COURT: Motion denied. What's your next Motion?

MR SALINGER: Thank you judge. This has to do with persons over the age of 23 wearing turned-around baseball caps in public.