18 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Lists are pretentious. You know the kind I’m talking about: “The World’s Best Beaches” “The 10 Safest Cities.” “The Budweiser Book of Missouri Records.” There are a whole host of reasons why these lists are so annoying:

For one thing, they categorize things that shouldn’t or can’t be categorized. Secondly, they are nothing more than the imposition of some one else’s opinion. Number 3, they cause impressionable people who have yet to ascend Machu Picchu to lie awake worried that they may not be up to the standards of some trust fund baby author whom they’ll never meet because, unlike him, they have not yet climbed Machu Picchu (or is it Macho Pizza?). Number 4 is because they are arbitrary (see, also, number Secondly). Fifth, they are like an albatross, or, at the very least, a procellariids of the biological family Diomedeidae allied to the storm-petrels and diving-petrels in the order Procellariiformes (the tubenoses) which range widely in the Southern Ocean and the North Pacific and are absent from the North Atlantic, although fossil remains show they once occurred there too and occasional vagrants turn up despite the fact that they are amongst the largest of flying birds, and the great albatrosses (genus Diomedea) have the largest wingspans of any extant birds, usually regarded as falling into four genera, but there is disagreement over the number of species, which may or may not have any nexus to the fact that Albatrosses are highly efficient in the air, using dynamic soaring and slope soaring to cover great distances with little exertion, because, perhaps, they feed on squid, fish and krill by either scavenging, surface seizing or diving. Sixth, lists are kind of icky. Numero seven, lists are very maddening when there is no pen in the house and nothing to check them off with. Eight, lists are published by lazy uncreative people who can’t write. Nine, lists are not more lovely nor more temperate than a summer’s day and are indifferent to rough winds shaking the darling buds of May, etc. and so on, and so forth.

Thus, without further delay, herewith, a list of the 18 essential things (for normal people) that must be done before you die (No pressure, but try to complete everything on the list before you die so that you don't feel like a loser):

1. Make a list; check it twice.
2. Pay a library fine.
3. Climb Machu Picchu.
4. Eat a vegan.
5. Remember always that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
6. Storm San Juan Hill.
7. Storm a hill of beans.
8. Always look for the silver lining.
9. Sit right down and write yourself a letter.
10. Climb every mountain.
11. Drive a Ford through a stream.
12. Honk if you like honking.
13. Skip this one.
14. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.
15. Admit other people’s mistakes.
16. Never omit the possessive apostrophe while drawing to an inside straight.
17. Stop and smell the roses, but please pull a safe distance off the road first and don’t forget those hazard lights.
18. D.C. al fine.

(Individual results may vary. Lists are not a substitute for genuine advice. In some research studies, people who allowed lists to direct their lives were not discernibly different from people who ate a regular diet of placebos. Though usually mild, some people may experience certain side effects while reading lists, including, but not limited to: dizziness, upset stomach, sleeplessness, sleepiness, sleepfullness, sleepwalking, sleep running, sleep shot putting, sleep pole vaulting, sleep 100 meter dash, sleep triathlon, sleep synchronized swimming, sleep pummel horse, and sleep skywriting.)